Control, Sex and Intimacy

s1ippy · 29-09-2020 7:26am #1

Is there ever a legitimate reason to withhold sex in a relationship? For a woman or man to refrain from sex with their partner (presuming they're attracted to them) for some reason of control or punishment?

Fair enough if there's some fair enough reason that you can't have sex for a while, but is it fair in a relationship to say "I'm not going to be in the mood for x amount of time" and ignore your partner sexually for that time? What about their sexual needs, self confidence, need for intimacy?

Times are tough and a lot of people around the place are going through some fairly bad stuff. Be nice to your person and don't drive them away.

s1ippy · 29-09-2020 7:52am

Actually topic may be better suited to AH, so mods feel free to relocate or. I just woke up fuming because people I love are not being treated fairly so I felt like I was going on a rant.

G_R · 29-09-2020 5:53pm

Mod:

Moved to AH, not an R&R thread

AH rules apply

Church on Tuesday · 29-09-2020 6:10pm

s1ippy wrote: »

Is there ever a legitimate reason to withhold sex in a relationship? For a woman or man to refrain from sex with their partner (presuming they're attracted to them) for some reason of control or punishment?

Fair enough if there's some fair enough reason that you can't have sex for a while, but is it fair in a relationship to say "I'm not going to be in the mood for x amount of time" and ignore your partner sexually for that time? What about their sexual needs, self confidence, need for intimacy?

Times are tough and a lot of people around the place are going through some fairly bad stuff. Be nice to your person and don't drive them away.

Nope, no it's not.

AllForIt · 29-09-2020 6:35pm

If a partner is withholding something from you for 'punishment' you've got bigger problems than no nooky.

riclad · 29-09-2020 6:47pm

Just because you are married or in a relationship with someone does not mean you get to a have sex anytime you like .
if a partner is not having sex as a punishment for you doing something else ,maybe wait a week and talk it over.sex is not essential,you can go without it for a few days .
if you have a serious long term problem you may need to go to a relationship
guidance counsellor.Its tough for alot of people who work from home,
they may end up spending up 90 per cent of their time with their partner.
And its not easy to go to a pub at the moment.
Theres not many places to go to meet friends under the current rules .

Sardonicat · 29-09-2020 7:14pm

Witholding as punishment suggests the witholder doesn't really enjoy sex to begin with and views sex as something they do for their partner as opposed to a shared pleasure. Would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't enjoy having sex with you?

Wanderer2010 · 29-09-2020 7:15pm

Can a man withhold sex??

McGinniesta · 29-09-2020 7:20pm

You cant beat a good ride.

Wibbs · 29-09-2020 7:22pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

Would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't enjoy having sex with you?

Any hole's a goal[Joke]

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Can a man withhold sex??

Of the people I've known who were on starvation rations sex wise about half were women whose men weren't interested. I dunno if they withheld it directly but there was little or no bedroom action from them. These weren't oul lads either.

Larbre34 · 29-09-2020 7:39pm

You've got that backwards. You are entitled to **** all.

And by '**** all' I mean nothing rather than have sex with everything.

The verb 'withhold' does not enter the equation. If someone does not want to either initiate sex or agree to sex, for whatever reason in the wide earthly world they choose, or for no reason at all, then they aren't withholding anything.

Immortal Starlight · 29-09-2020 7:40pm

It’s more than a bit weird. I’ve heard of the silent treatment but this really takes it to the next level.

McGinniesta · 29-09-2020 7:44pm

Have a ****.

Errashareesh · 29-09-2020 7:46pm

"In my opinion, most women are not sexually attracted to their husbands/partners and they view sex as a chore.

They therefore are in an ideal position to use sex as a means of control."

sameoldname · 29-09-2020 7:54pm

Larbre34 wrote: »

You've got that backwards. You are entitled to **** all.

And by '**** all' I mean nothing rather than have sex with everything.

The verb 'withhold' does not enter the equation. If someone does not want to either initiate sex or agree to sex, for whatever reason in the wide earthly world they choose, or for no reason at all, then they aren't withholding anything.

You can apply that sentiment to almost anything including speaking but most people would consider talking to each other a fairly fundamental part of a romantic relationship, as most do with sexual intimacy so I'm not actually sure as to your point here?
If I said to my girlfriend I'm not going to speak to you for 3 months and you're not entitled to **** all, I'm pretty certain she'd leave.

Feisar · 29-09-2020 7:55pm

Larbre34 wrote: »

You've got that backwards. You are entitled to **** all.

And by '**** all' I mean nothing rather than have sex with everything.

The verb 'withhold' does not enter the equation. If someone does not want to either initiate sex or agree to sex, for whatever reason in the wide earthly world they choose, or for no reason at all, then they aren't withholding anything.

While technically you are correct there are subtleties involved in a relationship. A friend of mine’s ex used sex like some sort of obedience training tool, for decks sake.

Wibbs · 29-09-2020 7:57pm

Larbre34 wrote: »

You've got that backwards. You are entitled to **** all.

And by '**** all' I mean nothing rather than have sex with everything.

The verb 'withhold' does not enter the equation. If someone does not want to either initiate sex or agree to sex, for whatever reason in the wide earthly world they choose, or for no reason at all, then they aren't withholding anything.

If - and some do this - they're holding it over you as power trip then A) they're most certainly "withholding" for some weird advantage and

you picked badly.

If one is in a sexual relationship, male, female, Gay or Straight one has a natural expectation that sexual intimacy is in play. If a partner isn't into that and is rejecting your and you're fine with that grand. If you're not then talk with them to try and figure out what's what, what's wrong with them and what's wrong with you that may be affecting their desire.

If they're not interested in dialogue, IMHO end the relationship(if you can. ie no kids marriage, but even then). Too many stay and become horribly frustrated at the lack of intimacy(it's not just about shagging) hoping it'll get better. From what I've heard down the years it rarely does, or does for a short while after an ultimatum type point is reached, but goes back to where it was soon enough after. Life is too short to be without intimacy in a relationship. You'd be better off on your own.

If it's a physical or mental illness that's intractable that's a hard road indeed. Some agree to the open relationship route and if that works then...

ChikiChiki · 29-09-2020 8:01pm

Have a tug and get rid of the crazy. Obviously easier said than done difficult if assets etc involved.

I would wager there are quite a lot relationships like this where the only bond tied up in tangible shared possessions and the romantic spark is gone.

McGinniesta · 29-09-2020 8:07pm

Humans are sexual beings.

If your partner uses sex as a bargaining chip then it's time to get a divorce and move on. This carry on does not go on in a loving marriage.

Mongfinder General · 29-09-2020 8:17pm

McGinniesta wrote: »

Humans are sexual beings.

If your partner uses sex as a bargaining chip then it's time to get a divorce and move on. This carry on does not go on in a loving marriage.

It ain't that easy when kids are involved. And your life can be made even worse if your reactions make your other half completely turn on you.

MoonUnit75 · 29-09-2020 8:17pm

Larbre34 wrote: »

You've got that backwards. You are entitled to **** all.

And by '**** all' I mean nothing rather than have sex with everything.

The verb 'withhold' does not enter the equation. If someone does not want to either initiate sex or agree to sex, for whatever reason in the wide earthly world they choose, or for no reason at all, then they aren't withholding anything.

That's far too simplistic. A normal human relationship is an agreement to sexual exclusivity. Intimacy is a basic human need so one person cannot unilaterally remove sexual intimacy from the relationship and expect it to be an acceptable way to continue. No one is saying one person has the right to have sex with another, but the person withholding sex, where health is not an issue, is indirectly ending the relationship for both parties. The other partner is entitled to continue the relationship if they can live without intimacy, or biological children, but if the relationship ends they deserve no blame for that.

Church on Tuesday · 29-09-2020 8:25pm

ChikiChiki wrote: »

Have a tug and get rid of the crazy. Obviously easier said than done difficult if assets etc involved.

I would wager there are quite a lot relationships like this where the only bond tied up in tangible shared possessions and the romantic spark is gone.

I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would stay in a sexless marriage.

Apart from the not at all small matter of kids, house etc which I understand makes things a lot more difficult, we do have divorce for this for a reason.

I've seen people who could part remain in such marriages and it's a total waste.

Also, this is why you take your time getting married in the first place.

tjhook · 29-09-2020 8:27pm

Larbre34 wrote: »

You've got that backwards. You are entitled to **** all.

And by '**** all' I mean nothing rather than have sex with everything.

The verb 'withhold' does not enter the equation. If someone does not want to either initiate sex or agree to sex, for whatever reason in the wide earthly world they choose, or for no reason at all, then they aren't withholding anything.

I think it is withholding. But I agree that a person's body is their own and nobody else can be allowed to exert control over it. We all have the right to withhold intimacy of any kind.

On the flip side, nobody has a right to impose celibacy on another person. And if somebody tries to, they need to be aware of the choices they're leaving the other person with.

Porklife · 29-09-2020 8:37pm

People can have varying sex drives and can go through stages of high or low libido for a miriad of reasons.
Some days all I can think about is sex and other days it's the last thing on my mind. I'd like to think my partner would understand and respect this. Withholding it or using it as a weapon is a different ballgame altogether and most likely an indication of a controlling individual or a couple who are not right for each other.
It's amazing how badly someone can treat one partner with zero respect but then meet the right person and shower them with adoration.
We humans are a complex breed!

JasonStatham · 29-09-2020 8:38pm

s1ippy wrote: »

Is there ever a legitimate reason to withhold sex in a relationship? For a woman or man to refrain from sex with their partner (presuming they're attracted to them) for some reason of control or punishment?

Fair enough if there's some fair enough reason that you can't have sex for a while, but is it fair in a relationship to say "I'm not going to be in the mood for x amount of time" and ignore your partner sexually for that time? What about their sexual needs, self confidence, need for intimacy?

Times are tough and a lot of people around the place are going through some fairly bad stuff. Be nice to your person and don't drive them away.

Buy one of those realistic sex dolls and just shag that. Preferably loudly and in front of the partner.

Failing that just follow AH standard advice and blast them with piss. Haha

Buford T. Justice XIX · 29-09-2020 8:38pm

Errashareesh wrote: »

"In my opinion, most women are not sexually attracted to their husbands/partners and they view sex as a chore.

They therefore are in an ideal position to use sex as a means of control."

Just don't fecking say that three times into the mirror:eek:

AMKC · 29-09-2020 8:40pm

McGinniesta wrote: »

Humans are sexual beings.

If your partner uses sex as a bargaining chip then it's time to get a divorce and move on. This carry on does not go on in a loving marriage.

Lol. Ye people disgust me lol

Errashareesh · 29-09-2020 8:46pm

Buford T. Justice XIX wrote: »

Just don't fecking say that three times into the mirror:eek:

Thread is over 13 hours old and no sign. This is weird... do I miss him? Is that why I wrote a post standing in for him...?

Kylta · 29-09-2020 10:16pm

I'm glad i'm single

Gretas Gonna Get Ya! · 30-09-2020 6:31am

People who obsess about sex, tend to be on the lower end of the IQ scale from my experience.

Don't get me wrong, great sex is great... but there is more to life (and indeed relationships) than sex!

There is also this strange correlation I have witnessed between people obsessing about sex or relationships, and many of those same people struggling to achieve satisfaction in both areas.

I guess it's true what they say in life sometimes, about trying too hard and all that jazz...

s1ippy · 30-09-2020 6:42am

Actually in the instance mentioned the husband is withholding sex. Wife has a high sex drive and from the sounds of it he's just preoccupied and uninterested right now, although she mentioned these dry spells have gone on for ages in the past too.

I thought they were a fantastic couple but it shocked me to hear that he tends to do this to her. She's savage as well, I suppose you don't know what you've got. I just can't imagine getting tired of riding her.

30-09-2020 8:11am

How are there so many people in crazy relationships?

Forget about romance for a minute, what about liking and respecting the person they are with, maybe thinking they are a bit of a legend and most of all haveing a bit of a laugh with them.

Sardonicat · 30-09-2020 8:48am

s1ippy wrote: »

Actually in the instance mentioned the husband is withholding sex. Wife has a high sex drive and from the sounds of it he's just preoccupied and uninterested right now, although she mentioned these dry spells have gone on for ages in the past too.

I thought they were a fantastic couple but it shocked me to hear that he tends to do this to her. She's savage as well, I suppose you don't know what you've got. I just can't imagine getting tired of riding her.

Well, which is it? Is he withholding or is he preoccupied and uninterested? Withholding and not wanting it are not the same thing. What's he preoccupied with, does she know?

Horn_of_Africa · 20-05-2022 4:59pm

It's interesting that the sex education curriculum doesn't educate children on the risks of marriage and children. There is a significant risk that marriage and children will ruin your sex life and lead to mental health issues, or potentially even suicide. Yet the risk of sexless marriages is never mentioned, as far as I'm aware.

EmmetSpiceland · 20-05-2022 5:06pm

Sexless Marriage, not even once.

Ubbquittious · 20-05-2022 5:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/114773071#Comment_114773071

Yea we should all just sit around being miserable, it's the intelligent thing to do. Use said misery to assert your superiority over those taken in by pleasures of the flesh

Horn_of_Africa · 20-05-2022 10:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119091012#Comment_119091012

Chin up buddy, you'll find someone one day!

EmmetSpiceland · 20-05-2022 11:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119092241#Comment_119092241

Haha, don’t worry about me H. Happily married, with an active and healthy sex life, here. Few kids, and all.

Not everyone’s cup of tea, I know. A few angry lads, out there, prefer to play on computers and “give out” about women all day but there’s not a lot we can do about that.

They’re in a sort of “Catch-22” where they desperately want a girlfriend but their abhorrent personalities keep all women away from them.

Sad, really.

Horn_of_Africa · 21-05-2022 6:42am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119092505#Comment_119092505

Ah ok, I took you up wrong, good stuff.

Donald Trump · 21-05-2022 6:57am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119092707#Comment_119092707

I knew a lady who took the "Horn of Africa" up wrong once

She couldn't walk for a week afterwards.

Perhaps it was the OP's missus and that was why she was withholding

CPTM · 21-05-2022 7:04am

Withholding.. Uninterested.. preoccupied.. Who even wants sex with anyone in these categories..? If the partner doesn't want to do it how on earth can you want it? Sounds like going on a date with a foe from work. Nightmare..

Jequ0n · 21-05-2022 8:28am

Own fault if you accept such form of punishment and play along with the power play..

hayse · 21-05-2022 8:31am

Up the bottom every second Sunday morning and if it’s a bank holiday the Saturday morning.

Dial Hard · 21-05-2022 8:52am

In pretty much every sexless marriage I've heard or read about (including countless ones in PI/RI over the years), the issue was there pretty much from the get-go.

The lesson here is not to marry someone you're sexually incompatible with. It never ceases to amaze me how many people do this, for some reason thinking a ring will magically make everything better.

Horn_of_Africa · 21-05-2022 9:00am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119092938#Comment_119092938

Yep, this is why it should be part of the sex education curriculum.

Dial Hard · 21-05-2022 9:02am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119092960#Comment_119092960

That's not sex education, it's common sense, imo.

Donald Trump · 21-05-2022 9:04am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119092938#Comment_119092938

It never ceases to amaze me how many people do this, for some reason thinking a ring will magically make everything better.

The other poster appears to disagree.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119092897#Comment_119092897

Although they didn't give any indication of whether the other party has the manners to lube them up first.

Horn_of_Africa · 21-05-2022 9:05am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119092968#Comment_119092968

It's obviously not common.

You could say similar about using condoms to avoid STDs, do you think that shouldn't be taught because it's common sense?

In my opinion some men get married out of desperation, they can't get sex otherwise. I think tye education system the teach people about the risks of getting married if you're only sex.

Firstly, it's unfair on your partner to deceive them that you are marrying them out of love, when in reality it's desperation and sexual frustration.

Secondly, it's stupid because if sex is your priority, why rule out sex with 3 billion women and rely on one woman for the rest of your life.

Sex education should teach students that getting married is not the wisest choice if sex is your priority

Loafing Oaf · 21-05-2022 9:35am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119090972#Comment_119090972

Surely everybody knows that

https://villainquoteoftheday.tumblr.com/post/91467606294/life-after-death-is-as-improbable-as-sex-after

Or at least that things are bound to dry up eventually. Would t be generally assumed that Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter are still at it like rabbits after 76 years of matrimony?

Horn_of_Africa · 21-05-2022 9:59am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119093022#Comment_119093022

Surely everyone knows STD transmission is more likely with unprotected sex. Do you object to sex education teaching students about this?

Clearly not everyone knows marriage brings with it the risk of a ruined sex life. This is why it should be taught. If we want to improve people's mental health we need to educate people at a young age about decisions which may result in poor mental health.

hayse · 21-05-2022 10:02am

Soaps are brain washing the youth of today.

Control, Sex and Intimacy

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