Am I being irrational??

Duwek · 28-05-2022 7:32pm #1

So, before I begin, I want to really make clear that this is not about money. I know some might read this and think I have my priorities in life all wrong but I promise you its not about the money....

My daughter made her First Holy Communion last week. We invited family from both sides for a meal in a restaurant after the church. My daughter got some Communion cards on the day from grandparents, aunts and uncles and she couldn't get over it. She wasn't aware that Communion cards and money was even a thing so she was over the moon altogether.

One of my brothers came with his 2 kids but his wife didn't come as she was sick. We are particularly close to my brother, his wife and kids as our girls are the same age as his and all get on great together. I am quite close to my sister in law and we have done everything together with our girls since they were born. She sent me a text thst morning apologising for not being there.

Here is the bit that I'm upset about and I've said this to noone else as it sounds so bloody petty. My brother never gave my daughter a card. I didn't think much of it as I said it was probably forgotten about with sister in law being sick. We arranged to met up with them all today for a play and sis in law just told my daughter her Communion photos were lovely but no card or even a 5 euro into her hand as a gesture.

I have attended 11 nieces and nephews Communions and Confirmations over the years and I always put decent money into a card or give a gift of some sort with a card. I am upset that they didn't think my daughter was worthy of a little bit of effort, even if it was just a card with a nice message inside. We are so close, their daughter stays over with us a lot and my girl stays with them. Their girl will gave her Communion next year. I'm feeling so petty now I'm already saying I shouldn't make any effort with her either and let them see how it feels.

I know this sounds petty but we all know the reality is that aunts and uncles make their nieces and nephews feel special on their big occasions and spoil them on the day. I do it all the time.

What do you all think?

sam t smith · 28-05-2022 7:43pm

Forgive but don’t forget.

corner of hells · 28-05-2022 8:01pm

No , you're not being irrational, maybe contact the local parish priest and get him to make an announcement from the pulpit about the lack of card and money.

Icsics · 28-05-2022 8:02pm

I’d be disappointed too, but now you know what to do when it’s their Communions

SuperBowserWorld · 28-05-2022 8:04pm

First world first communion problem.

893bet · 28-05-2022 8:06pm

I am guessing the mother normally sorts this and as she was sick it fell through the cracks.

Whats stands out is........"We are particularly close to my brother, his wife and kids as our girls are the same age as his and all get on great together. I am quite close to my sister in law and we have done everything together with our girls since they were born. She sent me a text thst morning apologising for not being there"

Ye are close to these people but You are assuming its intentional, when its more than likely an mix up/oversight.

Forget it entirely! Life is too short to create an argument over a card with 10euro in it! You cannot comeout winning here if you raise it as an issue.

Galwayguy35 · 28-05-2022 8:06pm

So how much did your kid get altogether, the sum total of mine was 20 quid I'm just wondering have things improved.

dublin49 · 28-05-2022 8:06pm

i wouldnt be surprised if this was an oversight ,the sick wife thought the hubbie wud do it and he completely forget,I wud say it to him in private ,without making a big deal about it.

irelandrover · 28-05-2022 8:08pm

I assume it just fell through the cracks. Are they normally good to your kids? If they are then forget about it and assume it was because the wife was sick. If they aren't then just adjust your expectations. Think about if they are worth keeping in your life or if their lack of cards is something worth falling out over.

kowloon · 28-05-2022 8:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127390#Comment_119127390

Euros or Pounds?

Jequ0n · 28-05-2022 8:08pm

Sorry, this will sound ignorant but what’s the significance of a card here? Is this about the card or the money?

I am not familiar with communions.

sam t smith · 28-05-2022 8:08pm

Has there been a bit of a ‘reset’ on the gift amounts?

I thought the communion making kids were minting it these days?

Or is that confirmation only?

893bet · 28-05-2022 8:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127393#Comment_119127393

No! dont say it. You will taint the relationship forever over nothing.

You then get a card with 10er in it and forever in their minds be remembered as "hungry"

CPTM · 28-05-2022 8:09pm

What's their story when it comes to money? Any chance there was a misunderstanding between them, each thinking the other person would sort it out? Or any chance she told him to give a card and money and he decided against it?

Victor · 28-05-2022 8:10pm

There is no entitlement to a gift. Your daughter had no expectation of a gift. Is there a card sitting somewhere? Do you absolutely know all their personal circumstances?

Danzy · 28-05-2022 8:16pm

You are not petty, If you won't throw a close relationship with your brother and his family away over a tenner and a hall mark card then nothing has meaning.

No, you are not petty, at all.

Is there a lot of people in your life who you have distanced from because they have "wronged" you?

Duwek · 28-05-2022 8:19pm

Thanks for your thoughts!! I'm not going to say anything as it would ruin the relationship we have.

Shockingly, the norm now for Communions and Confirmations is 50 euro in a card for nieces and nephews. My daughter does not need this money, she didn't expect any money at all. I've done it for all of my nieces and nephews. I'm particularly close to this brother and his wife and it has just upset me that they didn't make any effort for my daughter who is also very close to them. I'd almost say its just bad manners.

Still stihl waters 3 · 28-05-2022 8:21pm

Christ what a miserable way to think

sam t smith · 28-05-2022 8:22pm

I jokingly said ‘forgive but don’t forget’ but I think it is most likely an oversight / misunderstanding due to the wife being absent on the day.

SuperBowserWorld · 28-05-2022 8:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127495#Comment_119127495

Leave Jesus out of this. I don't think swapping money with your relatives was something he mentioned.

Maybe, OP, your brother was being Christian and gave the money to the poor ?

CPTM · 28-05-2022 8:27pm

If they're not stuck for money, I'm betting on misunderstanding because of her being sick.

SuperBowserWorld · 28-05-2022 8:28pm

I think this is a very good wind up post 🤠

Duwek · 28-05-2022 8:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127458#Comment_119127458

I don't fall out with anyone if I can help it.

chooseusername · 28-05-2022 8:39pm

Caught a few there @Duwek !!

Prominent_Dawg · 28-05-2022 8:46pm

How nice of him to show up even though his wife was sick!.. Would it have been an issue if he didn't show up but sent a card & money?

Galwayguy35 · 28-05-2022 8:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127404#Comment_119127404

pounds

Duwek · 28-05-2022 8:50pm

No, I was delighted they were there. My daughter would have been upset if they weren't able to be there!

Its good to get perspective from others! As I said, its not something I'd say to anyone🙈

28-05-2022 8:58pm

You think that's bad? I spend about 500 euro a year on gifts for my nephews. They both get gifts whenever either of their birthday falls. The little pr*cks have never once sent me a birthday card or a bottle of whiskey to me for for mine.

standardg60 · 28-05-2022 8:59pm

Don't think you're being petty at all Op

Couple of questions though, have any of the previous nieces and nephews been other sibling's children? If so i'd ask them if they've received anything.

Have any of your brother's children had their communions or confirmations yet?

If yes then i'd question your brother as the wife wasn't there, if not then i'd still give their child something as it's not their fault, if they don't say anything then about not giving anything to your child i'd have their card marked

Comer1 · 28-05-2022 9:10pm

Definitely accept that it was surely an oversight and forget about it. I guarantee that if you bring it up with them, you will regret it the moment you see their reaction, no matter what the reason for not sending a card was.

Duwek · 28-05-2022 9:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127739#Comment_119127739

I don't actually know if they have given to other nieces and nephews. We would never ever discuss who gives what.

None of their kids have had Communion yet so possibly unaware that its nice and the done thing (whether we like it or not) to give a card to niece or nephew for a sacrament.

sam t smith · 28-05-2022 9:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127731#Comment_119127731

Backstards. Hope you have written them out of your will. 😂

Xidu · 28-05-2022 9:13pm

Honestly I don’t think it was on purpose.

his wife was sick must be a lot of things at home for your brother to mind small kids by himself.

i do think you are being petty in this case.

if I were you, I would not put it in my head. And next year I will still give his daughter a card and €50.

standardg60 · 28-05-2022 9:15pm

What are they like for birthdays?

Duwek · 28-05-2022 9:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127811#Comment_119127811

They are very good to my other girl as she is sister in laws God daughter but they would never give my Communion girl even a card for her Birthday. I found that odd initially but presumed its because she's not God child. I know every year now not to expect a Birthday card for this daughter even if their girls are coming to her party. Because of that, I'm guessing this is not an oversight but a decision they've made for some reason.

XsApollo · 28-05-2022 9:32pm

Well that is not on doing one for the other and nothing for the other child.

i would refuse for the next gift gotten for the god child and say your other one is noticing she doesn’t get anything and its not nice.

that’s an easy way to broach the subject without causing offence.

standardg60 · 28-05-2022 9:38pm

Wow, well then you have your answer

Imagine your sibling's children have been treated similarly so, but as i said hardly worth taking it out on their children.

Be the better person, mean people are never happy

El_Duderino 09 · 28-05-2022 9:47pm

50 jaysus quid for communion? I'm so out of touch.

I'd resent giving that much to a child who doesnt need it, for absolutely nothing.

I'd value my in-laws spending time with the child through the year. Caring for her, giving her a different perspective on life and teaching her things. Giving cash is fine if they're relatives who don't give anything important like care or don't spend time with the child.

OP, you mentioned the word "petty" several times in your post. You did that because you know you're being petty. So stop being petty and appreciate your in-laws for giving your child care through the year - something far more valuable than money she doesn't need.

mrslancaster · 28-05-2022 10:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127896#Comment_119127896

Bad form of your brother to treat his two young nieces so differently, even if one is his godchild. Young children can be easily hurt, I can see why you'd be upset for your daughter OP. It's hard to bite your tongue when something like this happens but you have to. Remember what goes around and all that...

YellowLead · 28-05-2022 10:50pm

You say it’s not about the money then complain about the lack of effort - which you equate to giving money. Your brother still showed up despite the fact his wife was sick. As most posters have said it was likely an oversight rather than a deliberate diss.

High expectations and over sensitivity can cause needless life long issues within extended families...

28-05-2022 10:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127896#Comment_119127896

Some couples have a rule for stuff like this - you look after your nieces and nephews from your side of the family, and I'll look after mine on my side. She remembers her godchild's birthday because its her godchild - my godmother used to send me a card on my birthday, but not my brothers' on theirs.

Given what you've said about the birthday card, this might explain what happened here. Your child's aunt probably expected her uncle (your brother) to sort out the card for the communion girl. And he probably forgot.

She will probably be mortified if she finds out. I very much doubt it was deliberate. I wouldn't mention it, or act any differently then you would when their child's communion comes around. Take the high road.

Ficheall · 28-05-2022 11:24pm

Did you send the wife a get-well-soon card, OP?

kowloon · 28-05-2022 11:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127678#Comment_119127678

I probably fared similarly.

cj maxx · 29-05-2022 2:40am

I'd tend to think that being such good friends, and the wife who looks after those things being sick that it was an oversight and the card is in his house waiting to be delivered.

29-05-2022 3:16am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119128918#Comment_119128918

Probably tucked away in a bag somewhere, and when it's found there will be a big "oh, fcuk!" moment.

cj maxx · 29-05-2022 3:36am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119128929#Comment_119128929

Exactly. In his wife's handbag

Comer1 · 29-05-2022 8:35am

I got seven punts, I can take a picture of them if you'd like to see.

Jim_Hodge · 29-05-2022 10:13am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119127479#Comment_119127479

€50 may be your norn but it's certainly not THE norm.

Jim2007 · 29-05-2022 10:55am

Don’t let others dictate your behavior - it’s immature to say the least.
You have no idea of the events that led to this situation, give people the benefit of the doubt
Doing the same thing to their kid is sad and immature: punishing a kid for their parents behavior is petty in the extreme
Part of being a kid is learning to deal with life: people don’t live up to your expectations, they let you down… kids need to learn to deal with it. You do them no favors by shielding them from these situations nor exaggerating the situation.

Duwek · 29-05-2022 11:27am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119129325#Comment_119129325

Well, I am talking about my situation, how it is among my family and friends. I'm not talking about anyone else

Liberty_Bear · 29-05-2022 2:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119129468#Comment_119129468

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119128418#Comment_119128418

This is it ...common sense prevailing

I note the emphasis is all on the OP with the money being given but there is very little mention of how sick the sister in law was or as to how she might be doing. Its better to let things like the lack of card slide. My dad can be petty like that (hes a great bloke but that pettiness drives me mad). The two posts above are great advice.

Am I being irrational??

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