Help a lady out please

83hamilton · 18-05-2022 7:39pm #1

Recently met a lovely guy on a trip abroad. Got along very well and sensed he was interested in me but I was only a month out of a three year relationship at the time. I also ended up quite sick on this trip so my head was not in the game, through lack of practice and not feeling great. So while I was definitely friendly, I wouldn't have flirted back. My friends picked up on his interest too but I felt it was too soon to say or do anything myself.

Home almost two months now and still thinking about him - would it be weird to text and see if he would like to meet for a coffee?

I haven't dated since the break up. I'm over the person, had mentally checked out a long time before relationship ended. Still adjusting to single life but otherwise think head is in the right place.

18-05-2022 7:51pm

Do you know if he is single? If so, text him. If you do go out avoid your past relationship on the first or subsequent early dates. It'll lead to a discussion that won't be a good start.

83hamilton · 18-05-2022 8:01pm

Thanks Chinese whospers.

Single or not never came up in conversation with me, though one of my friends on the trip said he's living with a friend of his. That doesn't give much info, I know. We are all older though - late 30's/40's. Kinda guessing he is single more so.

83hamilton · 18-05-2022 8:02pm

I also never referred to my relationship status on the trip.

18-05-2022 8:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119082555#Comment_119082555

That's still young. Does he know you well enough to remember meeting you on holiday from a text?

18-05-2022 8:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119082559#Comment_119082559

Cool. Your potential relationship doesn't need to be burdened by that. It's good you've put it past you. 😊

Goodigal · 18-05-2022 8:09pm

Go for it. Life's too short to wonder about what ifs. It can't hurt to send a text and suggest a coffee. Worst thing he can say is no.

83hamilton · 18-05-2022 8:11pm

Yes, spent a lot of the holiday together

83hamilton · 18-05-2022 8:13pm

Thanks guys. Opinion amongst friends has been not to bother - but I think that's out of fear of rejection and old school thinking that the guy should do the asking, or that he would have asked by now if interested. It's been putting me off but I don't want to resign myself to that way of thinking anymore. We all need to be a little bit vulnerable sometimes!

jimwallace197 · 18-05-2022 8:20pm

Go for it, you sound like a nice person, the worst that can happen is he says hes not interested, the alternative of never finding out is much worse.

18-05-2022 8:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119082613#Comment_119082613

That's very positive thinking. So, now that it's decided you ARE going to text him, what are you going to say? 😀

83hamilton · 18-05-2022 8:32pm

I have Covid at the moment so I'll hold off till next week when feeling better and I'm closer to where he's living - drop a text saying I'm in the area, I know this is out of the blue, but would you be interested in meeting for a coffee?

Then sit and chew my nails in hope! 🤣

thefallingman · 18-05-2022 8:32pm

Life is short go for it

BorneTobyWilde · 18-05-2022 8:34pm

Text him to go for a coffee, what are you going to do, book a flight to Greece, Italy, Cyprus.. to go for a coffee

😅😅

83hamilton · 18-05-2022 8:41pm

He's thankfully living in the same country which makes things easier! 🤣

18-05-2022 8:42pm

Go for it. What about it, if he’s with someone else or anything, nothing lost. Just ask would he like to meet for coffee to chat about the holiday.

83hamilton · 18-05-2022 9:31pm

Thanks everyone!

cuttingtimber22 · 18-05-2022 9:36pm

Agree with others. Go for it. Hopefully works out.

standardg60 · 18-05-2022 9:41pm

Does he have your number OP?

83hamilton · 18-05-2022 10:22pm

In a group chat, we didn't swap numbers ourselves

ThreeGreens · 19-05-2022 12:30pm

I'd also suggest you go for it. Looking back, I've had more rejections than I'd care to count. But most are flattered you asked and are very nice about it. But I don't regret asking anyone out even if the rejection was uncomfortable at the time. I do regret being too shy to ask some out.

Anyway, you probably won't meet him again unless he's interested. So if he's not interested, there doesn't have to be any awkwardness!

CrookedJack · 19-05-2022 12:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119082706#Comment_119082706

That's brilliant, well done for going for it. It might just be me but I can't see any man reacting negatively to you reaching out. At the worst I'd be uninterested but flattered and would politely decline.

Hope it works out OP, fortune favours the bold.

83hamilton · 30-05-2022 6:36pm

So, I'm back again. In a bizarre twist of fate, we ended up matching on Bumble the weekend after I posted here, and ended up texting all last week. Found out we were both headed to same event weekend just gone and next weekend.

He texted in the two days prior to event Sat just gone - but didn't suggest meeting up, but did speak about the event itself. He had already said he'd see me at the event next weekend. So I took that to mean meeting last weekend was out. And didn't suggest meeting myself. He did however text after said event to see was I out. I said that I had seen him in the crowd at the event but when I looked back again, he was gone. I asked where they had ended up after and I've had no response. That was late Sat night - I've been left on read.

I know it's only been two days. I'm not panicking - yet I'm a bit miffed at the lack of response. Texting as a form of communication in early stages of dating has never been my forte - I tend to read into what is being said/not being said. I do prefer to meet/chat on the phone, but I guess I was wondering if he'd ask to meet Sat. He didn't, so I didn't seek him out, thinking he'll ask if he's interested in meeting.

No question as such - just wondering what do you guys make of this?

Augme · 30-05-2022 6:43pm

Just ask him to meet for a coffee or pint and go from there. You're both at an age where having to analyse texts to figure out where you stand shouldn't need to happen.

TherapyBoy · 30-05-2022 6:57pm

Text him & tell him you want to meet for the event next weekend, no maybe’s - just tell him. He’s probably doing as much guessing & wondering & reading what’s being said/not being said as you are & being direct leaves no doubt.

standardg60 · 30-05-2022 7:16pm

If your last text was a question and he didn't reply i'd leave it at that.

Everyone knows a question means you want to continue the conversation, not replying to said question means you don't. If he replies well and good but i wouldn't send another in the meantime.

83hamilton · 30-05-2022 8:22pm

This is my gut feeling - not a fan of double texting being honest, I don't want to look desperate if he's showing he might not be interested.

83hamilton · 30-05-2022 8:26pm

Thanks Therapy Boy - the texts in the days prior to Saturday left me thinking he would ask to meet but when it wasn't explicitly said, I made an assumption he wasn't interested. I find texting an appalling way to communicate and an easy way to put someone on the long finger. OK when I know someone well and I've gotten past figuring them out but bottom line is there was nothing direct and without him responding to my last message, I don't feel like being that direct - it feels too vulnerable when not getting the same vibes back!

CrookedJack · 30-05-2022 8:45pm

Well this is disappointing - What happened to you asking him directly? I was so impressed with you cutting through the game playing and just asking him out, now here you are trying to second guess silence.

If you like him ask him out, then you'll know for sure if he want's to go out with you. At the very least you'll get to not have to figure out what he's thinking, at the best, a date!

83hamilton · 30-05-2022 9:20pm

Hi Crookedjack,

Yeah I know. I guess old habits die hard - I think I let him take the lead on the conversation front quite a bit. Which was really nice but I think being in isolation with covid and living alone got to me quite a bit last week - I was weary of coming across too eager. Which is something I have done in the past!

I'm kinda sorry we matched on Bumble now, if we hadn't, I would have texted to ask him out directly and I wouldn't be here!

I'm still weary of messaging when he hasn't replied - do I reference confusion over the weekend just gone or head straight in? Like, we are going to the same event next weekend but both with friends which is where he said he'd see me.

Also - I've just come from a relationship where I repeatedly had to ask my partner to work on the same problem for over a year only to get nowhere - I'm working through this myself with a counsellor now but as a result of the lack of response from my ex, I'm just assuming that if someone isn't making the moves, they are not interested anyway. Actions speak louder than words in my dating experience?

sprucemoose · 30-05-2022 9:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119136729#Comment_119136729

era people can open messages by accident, get distracted by something else etc,. id give it one another message and if theres no response or its not read then jack it in. ideally it would be to just straight out as to meet up too, if theyre not interested its found out sooner rather than later

Ash.J.Williams · 30-05-2022 9:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058246411/help-a-lady-out-please

Go for it

standardg60 · 30-05-2022 9:50pm

I wouldn't be texting when you're going to meet up this weekend, the proof will be in the pudding then in person, good luck!

83hamilton · 30-05-2022 9:53pm

There is no concrete plan only that we are both going with our friends, I got a 'see you there!'

Purple Mountain · 30-05-2022 10:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119137405#Comment_119137405

Yea, just sit on your hands and wait until you see what happens at the gig.

I'd imagine he'll be in touch before then anyway.

When he does text, take the bull by horns and ask if he wants to meet for a coffee Thursday or Friday this week seen as ye matched on bumble?!

CrookedJack · 31-05-2022 12:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119137258#Comment_119137258

Listen, stop worrying about coming over as too eager. Those kind of games are for teenagers. Put it this way, would you want a relationship with someone who condemned you for being eager to spend time with them? Of course not, you want someone you can be yourself with, right? So be yourself and use that as a test for whether he's a good fit.

You WANT him to be someone who doesn't judge you for asking for what you want, so ask away and see if he's that guy. Either he's into it and it's good for you. Or he thinks you're too eager and is playing games, and that's good for you to know too

TherapyBoy · 31-05-2022 12:15pm

You want the answer you gotta ask the question. Be direct.

83hamilton · 31-05-2022 1:10pm

But I already feel as though I've been ghosted since he hasn't responded to my last message which was a direct question? I didn't ask him out but I did ask him where he ended up going out.

Asking him out now feels like I'm going against myself and being desperate - honestly an in person conversation would solve all this but he's not someone I'll run into. We are not in the same circles - event Saturday is one where I could just as easily end up not running into him.

Maybe it's too soon for me to be putting myself back into the dating arena. I'm a pretty anxious person as it is. Maybe I need to work on the anxiety so I'm not in a heap next time I'm texting someone. Although that seems to have been the way it was before my last relationship too - I'm not good with online communication. Better by phone and in person.

01-06-2022 11:37am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119139706#Comment_119139706

I think you are right not to text him NOW. That moment has gone.

IF the event that ye both know ye are attending doesn't at least illicit a text from him then I'd leave it/not actively pursue. Hopefully ye'll manage to 'I was in the neighbourhood' type meet up.

83hamilton · 01-06-2022 11:48am

Thanks Chinese Whospers, that's how I feel now. Like if he contacts me to meet up at the weekend, in the area, all good but at this stage I feel wary - situation has lost its momentum. I'd nearly rather a clear the air conversation than a 'I'm into you' one now. I did consider texting to see why has he gone cold and hope all is OK. A clear the air in case we run into each other type message.

CrookedJack · 01-06-2022 1:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119143991#Comment_119143991

I'm not sure why you'd consider a "Clear the air" message and not a "Hey, fancy a coffee this weekend" weekend? At least with the latter you're clear about your intentions and will get a good understanding of his level of interest. Maybe its a male thing but plenty of times I've seen a chit-chat type message and not replied as it was the wrong time of I wasn't in the mood for a text back-and-forth conversation. I don't particularly enjoy those. But I would not have been adverse to meeting for a coffee.

Purple Mountain · 01-06-2022 1:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119143991#Comment_119143991

You're really over thinking and over reacting.

There's nothing to clear the air for.

He isn't a friend/colleague etc.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but you sound intense.

Jafin · 01-06-2022 3:10pm

You are way, WAY overthinking this, and that's coming from an overthinker. If you're both going to the same event at the weekend why can't you just casually bump into him? You said it's unlikely you'll see each other there. I don't know what the event is, whether it's at a house, a pub, a park or whatever, but I'm sure you could just "do the rounds" and see if you spot him? If you do, make conversation with him.

standardg60 · 01-06-2022 6:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119145266#Comment_119145266

Completely agree, he said 'see ya there' so while there and don't see him be fine to text then 'hey where are you can't see you' casually.

If he's interested he'll make the effort to track each other down

Username here · 01-06-2022 9:52pm

Actions speak louder than words in my dating experience?

But I already feel as though I've been ghosted since he hasn't responded to my last message which was a direct question?

@83hamilton maybe, part of the issue here is related to how you're phrasing what, are in your mind, questions. The 2 quotes above are taken from your posts - do you think they are questions? Because they are not; they are statements, punctuated by question marks. Merely adding a question mark to the end of a statement does not in and of itself make it a question. So perhaps you think you've asked him a question, and perhaps he has read a statement, and this is why you have not received an answer to your "question".

Anyway, by your own admission, you've let him take the lead on the conversation front quite a bit, AND you've matched on Bumble - maybe at this stage he's thinking that he's done a lot of the legwork here, you've matched on Bumble, but you're dancing around / skirting the issue of actually meeting up, so perhaps you're not that interested.... or you're playing games.... or you're not actually single, etc etc.

I'm not good with online communication. Better by phone and in person.

So ring him! Say hello. Play to your strengths, if online communication is not your thing. Ask him if he wants to meet for a coffee. Either he does - great, or he doesn't - and that's fine, too; by the sound of things, there's every chance your paths won't cross anyway at this upcoming event. If you ask, then you'll have your answer, instead of tying yourself up in knots of anxiety overthinking this.

As an aside...

IF the event that ye both know ye are attending doesn't at least illicit a text from him then I'd leave it/not actively pursue.

what if someone is giving him the same advice? If they both leave it to the other, then they both miss out on something potentially great. What nonsense.

01-06-2022 10:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119147068#Comment_119147068

unless you are somehow a relationship counsellor, leave the invectives out of it - your advice, as you see it, will come across better also.

---------------------------------------------

Warned: Breach of Charter and Backseat moderation. Please remind yourself of The Forum Charter.

Purple Mountain · 01-06-2022 10:54pm

^ this comment above is very good about second guessing what the other person is thinking and then missing an opportunity.

My friend met a guy 10 years ago on a night out and they got on famously all night.

He offered her a lift home, and getting out of the car he asked for her number. They exchanged numbers.

He didn't contact her and she was miffed.

People told her don't bother contacting him, he wanted your number and never bothered to follow up so let him go.

She said eff this, we are both way too old for games and mind reading, she'd take the initiative and text him and say she would be interested in meeting again and if he didn't reciprocate the text then there was nothing lost.

Anyway, he was delighted to hear from her. He explained he thought she had no interest in him and didn't bother texting her, because she put her number into his phone in a hurried manner and tossed it back to him like she wasn't keen, when in fact her actions was her just being shy and out of practice being asked for her number!

They are now together 10+ years with 2 lovely children.

So I'd always say if you don't ask, you don't get. And if the answer is no, well, move onwards and upwards.

83hamilton · 01-06-2022 11:21pm

Guys, a big thanks to all who have replied here. I really appreciate all your input - I've realised this week that I'm burnt out too. I'm on a break now and today is the first day I've felt normal in a long time - burn out never helps these situations, not for me anyway!

@Purple Mountain - I love your friends story! Might never happen for me but I have decided to contact him tomorrow. To suggest a call/coffee.

@Username here thanks - I get what you are saying about the question marks, but I'm also not stupid - I very definitely asked a question. But I get what you are saying, that someone else might be giving him similar advice. I am taking that on board.

Thanks again for all the help everyone. If this has wrecked your head, imagine what it's like being in my head all the time! 😀 🤔

lawred2 · 01-06-2022 11:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119143991#Comment_119143991

A clear the air conversation? Yikes you've manufactured a whole lot out of nothing now.

Purple Mountain · 01-06-2022 11:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119147367#Comment_119147367

Great! Best of luck.

...Ghost... · 02-06-2022 12:26am

He is most likely not interested having not replied to your last question. No harm in suggesting to meet at the event where you can better gauge the situation without being pushy or vulnerable. Are you ready though if you are seeing a therapist and quite likely discussing your ex?

Help a lady out please

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