What's the etiquette here??

21-06-2022 9:13pm

What were the facilities like in general over Pakistan direction, Brendan?

StevenToast · 21-06-2022 9:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232569#Comment_119232569

🍿 im getting ready for this one.....

Brendan Bendar · 22-06-2022 7:09am

Now lads, sort to disappoint, but I’m not going to use this forum to throw shade on the great folk of Pakistan.

The toilet set up varies, from basic squatters to to top of the range pewter thrones.

Usually an urn of water standing by to assist burnishing the badge.

The nation does its best and I couldn’t fault them for effort.

Found the squatters quite good for a good release with minimum effort which is a help with the spicy food.

Sgt Hartman · 22-06-2022 7:46am

I cooked up an easy and delicious chicken and bacon stew yesterday eve with carrots, parsnip, mixed veggies, pearl barley and lentils. This morning I passed what was a rather straightforward yet viscous nugget which I noticed required a bit more wiping than usual. On the way to the bus stop I felt a rumble in my belly. I thought nothing of it until I got to my stop. Suddenly I released a silent insidious miasma from my anus which surrounded me with the stench of burning tyres and rancid seaweed. Luckily i usually lean against a pole a few feet away from the rabble at my bus stop so nobody was unlucky enough to be overwhelmed by the noxious fumes. I've a feeling I'll be releasing similar putrid miasmas in the near future as my low carb, high veggie diet takes effect.

StevenToast · 22-06-2022 2:18pm

Be careful of excess wiping....it can lead to 'chronic wiping fatigue' which in turn leads to an incomplete and insufficient job of cleaning ones own ringpiece.......

This can bring on a serious bout of anal itch later on in the day....Many a set of briefs have been destroyed by myself as a consequence of excessive & enthusiastic digging at my overly brown badge to get relief......

Grouptherapy · 22-06-2022 4:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232199#Comment_119232199

Don't think anyone here who has spent much time in airport could really blame you.

We've all encountered them. Puffed up and often very well 'nourished'. Arse on them like a bag of cement.

I'd wager the state of the staff facilities in the airport rivals anything ever described in this thread.

Brendan Bendar · 22-06-2022 5:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119235627#Comment_119235627

Indeed……pan well stained with crusty midden ,well speckled with greasy peppers and a strong bang of battered onions.

22-06-2022 5:16pm

Do taxi drivers have a dedicated shïtter out at the airport to use? One can only imagine the horrors you’d encounter there. Crumpled up betting slips, sweat and back hair on toilet seats, “dead otters” floating in the pan, and an overwhelming pong of digested coddle, batter burgers, and strong European lager.

Nevin Parsnipp · 22-06-2022 8:28pm

In my musings often wondered if flies have working brains ?

Was having a bit o trouble with the "finesse clubs" in my golf bag ..so hoyed mysell down to the well appointed practice ground of my club...which is some distance from the clubhouse.

Had the place to mysell and was smoking 7 irons down the range when I felt an urgent rumble in the bomb bays ...nothin for it but to squat behind a convenient bush and hose out a generous ar$efull of rancid sh1te.

Had to sacrifice a nice linen monogrammed hankey in the wipe up...but no matter...got the clagg well cleared.

Continued with the practice session and as I was heading back was alerted to a strange humming sound ...had kinda forgotten about the sh1te but as i was passing the bush there was a huge cloud of bluebottles hovering...seemed to come out of nowhere ...fuckin clever kernts wha ?

Was glad I had cleaned the hoop properly unlike a visiting golfer who was plagued by flies circulating his hoop during an important Jimmy Bruen match.

Clean up properly boys you dont wand a bunch of those bad boys buzzing round your hoop while you attempt a tricky 4foot downhiller ....

Count Dracula · 22-06-2022 8:52pm

I don't know about Pakistan but I was in the jungle in Kerala a few decades ago. I was staying in an old village whilst backpacking. The facilities consisted of an outhouse and I was smoking the local Charas out of a bamboo pipe, pure magic. Eating fresh fish curries and enjoying a nice recuperation after a few days hike.

The outhouse was inside a draped curtain and you basically sat on parallel bamboo with a liberal gap for you to launch your liquid runs from. I unleashed a couple of gallons of Indian sludge down to a pit around 15 feet below. Afterwards I was pouring water over my arse cheeks and burning ringpiece when I suddenly heard loud grunting and a commotion down below the bamboo. Dry retching away I peered down beyond the bamboo seat and witnessed about 5-6 pigs scoffing and fighting over my fresh shight. You basically shat down directly into their pig pen.

True Story. I still admire the technique, proper disposal right there.

It reminds me of Lisbon, well kind of. The gas lamps of the Baria Alto are powered by natural methane from the cities' sewage system. I fooooking love that, pure genius.

CGI_Livia_Soprano · 22-06-2022 10:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119236639#Comment_119236639

Oh dear. Very poor stuff.

Nevin Parsnipp · 22-06-2022 11:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119236889#Comment_119236889

You seem a very critical Dude ..if I might allow ?

Chappies here post about their real shiteing experiences to be both educational and to give a heads up to like minded punters as to how avoid difficult situations ...advice which I have found interesting and very useful on occasions.

It does not help when some self appointed kernt takes it upon himself to say what posts are good bad or indifferent ?

ALL post have a value and posters should be respected and supported in sharing detail which most peeps would find difficult.

So my good friend could i ask that unless you have something constructive to post ...like the rest of us you read it and move on...?

Your own post was very sour ...maybe you need a good sh1te ?

lapua20grain · 23-06-2022 8:58am

Well said

EmmetSpiceland · 23-06-2022 6:47pm

Have been suffering badly all week. Really tore the arse out of it over the weekend but now it’s tearing the arse out of me. I’ve got a serious bout of “The Itch”.

Had a ridiculous amount of toilet trips on Sunday. Real squitsy ones. Only had one pint of stout, that new ‘Ireland’s Edge’, can’t say I was impressed. Moved onto lager after that. Was an all day “affair”. Starting early afternoon and continuing into the wee small hours of sixpence.

The Sunday was rough as hell. Couldn’t get off the couch, the day was spent sweating and blowing out hot blasts of fetid “mulch”. I figured that it would all be confined to Sunday but I was very wrong. It followed me throughout the week.

Things only started to harden up today, I think it was when I remembered this thread. I reckon had I shared my “experiences” early on the Monday, or even Tuesday, things would have gone differently. Internalising one’s own distress is never a good thing. A problem shared is a problem halved, and all that.

Anyway, I’ve come back looking for help on how to manage this. I’m worried it’s a case of, both, ring sting and ire. A double dose. So far I’ve tried alternating between slathering on Sudocrem and talcing the badge. At one point I thought I could form some kind of healing “poultice” by putting a layer of Sudo over an initial, generous, foundation of talc and, then, topping it off with another dusting of talc.

This required staying in a, sort of, “downward dog” position for a long time, letting the air at it, but instead of congealing into a cohesive mass it all simply smushed between the cheeks when I stood up. Wasn’t the worst “sensation” but the soothing was, very, short lived and my boxers were smeared.

Aside from dragging my hole across the floor, like a “wormy” dog, I’m all out of ideas. Anyone got any suggestions? Regular changes of a cold compress? TCP antiseptic? Tea tree oil? I’ll do whatever it takes. Within reason, of course.

23-06-2022 7:10pm

Works absolutely every time, and even on the most distressing cases of irritable hole syndrome. Works within a minute and has a slightly warming effect that is extremely pleasant tbh. Every Pintman should have at least one tube of it in the house.

EmmetSpiceland · 23-06-2022 7:15pm

Eurax!! Of course! I’m an idiot. This was the recommendation the last time I was “afflicted” in such a way.

I’ll hit the chemist first thing. Get things “righted” for the weekend. Cheers, Doc.

23-06-2022 7:20pm

It’s been battle tested on the toughest of conditions - I’m talking about 40 pints of Carling and three visits to an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet during a stag in Newcastle outcomes. Where you are left with a hole like the brake light of a Massy Ferguson.

mfceiling · 24-06-2022 4:34pm

Over in Brussels with herself and the kids for the weekend.

Went to a food market today for lunch and a few drinks. Said I'd nip downstairs and have a "hit and a miss" before I left.

Strolled downstairs and followed the sign for restrooms. One entrance and a large sign saying "self identifying bathroom". Lads it wasn't right. Urinals against one wall and a bank of sit down traps opposite it. I was washing my hands beside a delicate looking young European girl and I genuinely felt sorry for her coming out of a trap. Imagine that poor young one taking care of business and some slob reversing into the adjoining trap and leaving his guts behind him. The noise and not to mention the smell shouldn't be anywhere in the vicinity of our female friends.

24-06-2022 11:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119244376#Comment_119244376

I'm very much a live and let live sort of chap, but I'd have to agree with you when it comes to this topic.

Was at a wedding a few weeks back involving a rather delicate English lady and her quite posh family. Her husband was from a family of legendary pintmen from the depths of West Cork. Pouring the Beamish down the gullet since about 11. You could see them loosen the belt after the dinner and making their ways to the shítters to make room for the "all night dessert". Skip the band and straight to the sing-song sorts.

Can you imagine sending women into the same facilities as those fúckers? I even felt sorry for the older English lads (Clive, Ben, Toby, and James) discussing test cricket while supping on a few glasses of Smithwicks - knowing they'd have to head into the dunnies at some stage and encounter the overwhelming whiff that can only come from serious porter drinkers.

It's not right.

Gant21 · 25-06-2022 12:51am

Why haven’t people done training for a wedding? It would solve the bathroom and bedroom issues.

Sgt Hartman · 26-06-2022 9:29am

I downed a good healthy dose of Beamish Stout yesterday eve followed by a really good lamb doner kebab. This morning in bed I was repeatedly venting the resulting toxic fumes. Each release of gas had different scent infusions, ranging from tomato ketchup & stagnant pondwater to boiled turnips & natural gas. Unfortunately I'm still feeling the effects on the Limerick to Dublin train this morning. I'm suffering a rather dangerous buildup of gas in my guts and I can't vent the gas for fear of invoking the ire and disgust of my fellow passengers :(

You the man · 26-06-2022 10:11am

Release it Sgt.. Have some fun.

EmmetSpiceland · 26-06-2022 10:15am

Venting prevents explosion.

26-06-2022 11:24am

Better out than the gable end of a house.

Sgt Hartman · 26-06-2022 11:44am

I vented immediately upon leaving the train. 3 big explosions which thankfully were drowned out by the noise in Heuston Station. I'm on the train to Balbriggan now and will need to similarly vent again once I disembark.

EmmetSpiceland · 26-06-2022 1:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251555#Comment_119251555

Excellently done. Joyce, himself, had Bloom make use of a passing tram to mask a rasper.

You the man · 26-06-2022 8:46pm

Ah, ladies & gentleman- where do I start with this...

Kids activities all morning and 'de GAA games ' were on my mind. Had an early bite with wife n sprogs to have a clear run of the day.

Chowder don't agree with me normally but held the line this time til I started consuming porter..

5 pints into the game and sh1t got real. Into an unfamiliar chamber and let go into a pond half full. Skitter everywhere - shorts, socks, floor and T-shirt.

The flush was horrendous.. The Jax regurgitated the previous occupants delivery..

I'm gone home in an awful state physically and mentally..

Nevin Parsnipp · 28-06-2022 8:30am

Tremendous sh1te posts just read ....feel a bit derpived my ar$e has been nehaving well all week ....just boring tubes of ochre coloured spoil bobbing about in the pewter.

I did have a visit to the local superette and while browsing the middle aisle blew out bhladdery gust of foul smelling wind.

Could feel it almost singe the giblets on exit and for sure would have melted any "arse winnits" it encountered.

Got a dirty look from an auld beour in a beige outfit who was at the meat cabinets behind me ...glared at me as she pulled a mask out of her bag and put it on.

"Some people have no manners" she muttered.

"Bit windy today Missus" was your posters cheery response..."Great dryin though ".....

Shopping proceeded to plan with no further incidents .....

cj maxx · 28-06-2022 8:55am

Woke up with that feeling of an imminent visitor. Grabbed a quick coffee to help push it out the door. .

Came out was pure red ( been eating chicken wings in sauce alot) liquid. This has been an on going issue for months, and when you need to go , you better go quickly. Visit to the doctor is on 😡

28-06-2022 9:46am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119260269#Comment_119260269

This you, pal? Surely could have held it considering it was the 17th, or conceded the game? Filthy cünt.

What's the etiquette here??

Comments