Husband's Mood Swings

26-06-2022 04:18PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119252831#Comment_119252831

Hi Sono........reading through the whole thread that's exactly what I was thinking........" covered up previous debt" is a bit of a red flag

Sono · 26-06-2022 04:20PM

Yes Ken I agree totally, not saying it’s definitely what’s going on but it would worry me as a real possibility that’s the case.

NiceFella · 26-06-2022 04:21PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119252678#Comment_119252678

Ah I'd say that was tougue in cheek on fairness. Well I hope😅

hello2020 · 26-06-2022 04:28PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119247430#Comment_119247430

Agree with this..it's depression sign..he has no friends... low self esteem n gets angry quickly...he needs professional advice n help from u...

lafemmequirit · 26-06-2022 04:55PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119252678#Comment_119252678

No, I don't raise my voice because I don't raise my voice. I just don't- it's not in my nature. Believe it or not, despite my PTSD background, I have a stressful job where I'm required to remain calm under pressure. I wouldn't hurt anyone. No need to be disturbed!

lafemmequirit · 26-06-2022 05:23PM

I'm sure @Big Bag of Chips isn't disturbed in the slightest 😂. However, you do sound a little tiny bit, em, would it be fair to say, not on my side here? I mean, I certainly appreciate every single opinion, including yours @bigbagofchips, but I do love my husband and I'm certain he loves me in his own way. I have mentioned my failings: that I'm in therapy, admitted that I suffer from PTSD, lost a parent young, my husband yells at me, I yelled back once and never did it again, not *because* I'm small, but just that I am, mentioned that I'm younger than my husband, also mentioned that I look after myself, work hard, don't hurt people etc. You've kinda gone after me, saying I 'clearly think I'm superior', that you find my posts 'disturbing 'as well' (as who?, who are you agreeing with?)😉 I'm just wondering, what did I say that rattled your cage in particular? I only posted twice before but this really has been an interesting dialogue for so many reasons. Again, I really do appreciate everyone's input- thank you.

Purple Mountain · 26-06-2022 05:42PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119252946#Comment_119252946

He has said to his wife he won't seek professional help. It's not her place to force him.

He's an autonomous adult and not in danger so she can't just tie him up and drop him to a therapist's door.

dontmindme · 26-06-2022 09:26PM

OP - how would you feel about inviting your partner along to your therapy session?

Cheerful S · 27-06-2022 01:14AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058251592/husbands-mood-swings

It's hard to tell what the story really is from your version though. The problem is that maybe nagging him too much and getting on his nerves? End of the day your partner got to treat him as less of a burden. Secret: Men don't like constant nagging (how would you feel if you were on the receiving end?)

Maybe you need hobbies too, or maybe you need to get closer. Get out in about and go for walks with him maybe. Stuck indoors all the time going to get on each other nerves. Find something both like.

Man would be affected by troubles he's having downstairs (get what I mean here) and you'd have to be careful if you're out socializing without him alot. Might in weird way think you looking to leave him? You gotta find a way to build a bond that makes him feel like his only man for you. See a big change in him. Give the impression you don't really care what he does he gone out the door? Another warning flag needs sorting, because you should care.

Why's he putting on weight and feeling down? Does he feel like you don't care about him? You have to find a way to build up that respect and make even make an effort more in bedroom, dress up, surprise him go nuts. Considering how visual men are, he might get a shock that you want him again. Why not be naughty with your man ( there lot of ways to stimulate a man) send him a sexy text go nuts)

You're gonna go above and beyond to get that man back you had before you got married not seeing any response just let him go.

backwards_man · 27-06-2022 04:03AM

Op you can't change people. He was like this before you got married and now he isnt making any attempt to hide it. You mentioned mood swings in the title of this post. Does it swing back the other way? It sounds like it doesnt. You have no kids. You are not tied by marraige. You can leave. I dont see why you are staying to be honest as you both dont seem to like each other.

Girl Geraldine · 27-06-2022 10:28AM

He is not going to change. He seems unwilling and ununderstanding.

It is over. Finish it and leave.

bitofabind · 27-06-2022 01:34PM

Feeling "not good enough" is massively triggering OP. When you're in a supposedly intimate relationship with someone who doesn't love you for who you are and only offers love in exchange for the POTENTIAL of who you could / should be - that's not a safe place to be. It's deeply triggering and people will act out, get depressed, get addicted, disengage, shut down emotionally.

All any of us need is love and belonging. From your posts so far, it sounds like you are toxic to your husband - you think you're "better" than him, you belittle him and speak down to him, you're resentful over things like the fact that you had to force his hand on marriage, you missed out on babies. Being around you, for him, whether he's conscious of it or not, is probably quite painful.

I also think you ignored a lot of pre-existing problems that have ramped up recently because you wanted that marriage, you didn't want to be alone. This was inevitable - you married this exact man and he's acting out even more now because he's so triggered. You think you have the 'power' because you're the 'better' half - more sociable, better looking etc. But the fact is you won't leave this man until you know that you won't be alone if the marriage breaks down.

I say all of this without judgement; you are just human and you're coping in your own ways. Maybe you got into this relationship because being with someone incompatible, unavailable is familiar given your own history. We tend to stay in what's familiar, even when it's bad for us. If emotional neglect or absence was a part of your past - it's obvious why you've landed where you are.

All I'll say is: the only way through this healthily is with compassion for yourself and for your husband. You are making each other miserable. You are trying to survive but triggering the hell out of each other in the process. The kindest way around this may be separation, or counselling again so you can confront these issues, or a temporary break so you can individually get healthy again and get back to safety in your lives. But it's not by staying in the situation as is, burying your heads in the sand whilst you lash out at each other, with you getting validation from friends that you're the "better" half and him increasingly isolating himself from the world. Something has to change.

YellowLead · 27-06-2022 03:40PM

OP I think it is the way you phrase things or what you add to your posts that make some of us feel you have a feeling of superiority. It seems that in all your posts you throw in compliments about yourself people generally afford to others. And then there is things like you mentioning your promotion in a recent post, which didn’t seem to add anything or be necessary for the conversation. I wonder do you do this with your husband?

At the end of the day you went ahead with the marriage knowing he wasn’t fully into it and he probably still isn’t - why he went along with it is another story. Co dependency presumably or he is a little bit weak natured.

Have you discussed any of how you are feeling with him, seems the only way forward is a conversation.

magic_murph · 27-06-2022 04:02PM

My advice is don't take advice from strangers as more than likely the advice they gives is not advice they would listen to themselves if in a similar situation.

Deep down you know what you want / need to do. Trust that inner voice

Coming here you are just looking for somebody to tell you what you already know to help justify the decision you will eventually make.

Listen to yourself - you know you and the situation best. You don't need anybody else.

NiceFella · 27-06-2022 04:13PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119253258#Comment_119253258

OP,

Bear with me a second,

In your first post you focused solely on your husbands implied irrationality and childishness and completely glossed over many of the aspects in your own behavior that may have contributed to the issues. What stood out to some posters is the fact that you were willing to show your husband this post to show how irrational and abusive he is and how right you are about the situation. That's gas lighting and totally dysfunctional behaviour. If I had a rough patch with my GF and she went on boards looking for validation as a stick to beat me with, I'd be gone in the morning. Plain and simple.

The reason why some posters have examined your behavior is because its all you have control over. Why? Because its always easier to point the finger. If it were your husband writing this post I would similarly tell him that shouting at you is indeed abusive behavior and he should apologise.

In your second post after others stated you need to work on your way of communicating with your husband, you admit having your own issues. So there ye go. Both of you have your own issues (we all do).

You said you want the relationship to work. So you are hopeful at least? Well then you should try and be the positive signal that could go a ways to helping matters.

I would suggest that you pay attention to the way you communicate with your husband. Be considerate of how he might feel etc. Do something nice for him randomly. It's evident that you need to try and decompress the situation. Then try go to couples therapy

Now it might be the case that your husband is experiencing poor mental health. Try bring up going to the GP when you are on good talking terms. There is no guarantee any if this will work, but if you really want to try this might not be the worst way about it.

Neyite · 27-06-2022 04:52PM

I'm always wary of people who post a PI online with the intent that the replies will be their backup when confronting their partner...

It's clear that you have marriage problems. To me I don't see anything of value to salvage here. You are barely intimate, he miserable, angry, uncommunicative, moody. You seem to have a set of criteria he is expected to meet, or it's as if he's a project for you to mould into a husband.

You say you love him but why? It doesn't sound like you like each other that much.

What are the things you love about him?

And if he refuses to change into who you want him to be, or just can't do it, what then?

tvjunki · 27-06-2022 04:59PM

From a couple s point of view. You have listed off all the things you think is wrong with him instead of asking him what is wrong.

He could be in debt, and gambling. Spending too much and then regretting it. Might not be happy with his appearance. His hormones could be all over the place Pressure at work. Might not be reaching deadlines. He is angry. Could be something from his passed that has come back to haunt him.

He needs to talk and say it out to you.

No distractions sit down with him and let him know you are worried and that you feel he is not happy. Is there something he wants to get off his chest he can say it. You two will deal with it together.

If he is leaving the house angry and coming back angry then he needs to say it out.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-06-2022 05:30PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119253258#Comment_119253258

I'm not sure why you're name checking me here. I don't believe I mentioned anything about being "disturbed" and you've attributed quite a bit else to me that I didn't mention. Perhaps you're confusing my posts with another poster.

You are right when you say I am "not on your side". I'm not particularly on your husband's side either. But you are the one who posted asking for advice so you are the only one I can advise.

You said you were very careful to write your OP accurately so that you could show it to your husband. But you were only accurate about his faults, not your own. Have you shown him the thread yet?

You have been doing the same thing for a long time, getting the same results and are now losing patience at him for not producing the results you expect. You need to change. If you change, he will most likely have no choice but change too. If he does, fantastic. If he doesn't, you have a choice to make.

I know I have mentioned the word "superior" a few times but it is how you come across. From trying to change him to *be better*, to mentioning your promotion that is irrelevant, to saying you are not "the typical 'little woman'". (What's "the typical 'little woman'"?) Yet, here you are in a marriage that is not making you happy, needing the backing of internet posters to go to your husband to convince him he needs to listen, and be more like you.

If you both just continue on as you are with no change then you may as well separate. Because neither of you is making the other person happy right now. It is clear from your perspective that he is not making you happy. But can you acknowledge that equally, you are not making him happy. His friends (if he confided in someone) might equally teIl him he only has one life he deserves to be in a relationship with someone who makes him happy.

If you want a chance at saving your marriage and fixing these issues that have evolved over the years then you need to start with you first. You are the only one you have actual control over. If you think he can never meet the standards you expect for yourself then walk away. I assume you can afford to. No children, same salary, 50/50 split. Should be an "easy" separation by most people's standards.

Nothing wrong with having standards for yourself. The fault comes when you pick someone who doesn't meet them and then continually try to mould them. Resulting in annoyance and upset on both sides. And a relationship that is ultimately doomed to fail, or be dragged on long past it's death.

JoChervil · 27-06-2022 09:09PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119253120#Comment_119253120

OP I probably used not the most fortunate word here. I am a foreigner, so I might have used too strong word.

The One Doctor · 22-07-2022 08:26PM

If there's no kids it makes it easier to break up. If I were you I'd have a plan to break up... sounds like he'd go ballistic if you broke up, so best to have a place to go ahead of time that he doesn't know about. Likewise new phone number etc. Clean break and all that.

Your description of him sounds like he has really bad depression. It can be very hard to climb out of that pit.

Get your finances in order, house etc sorted, talk to a solicitor if needed.

Do it soon, it's not easy but it's worth it.

22-07-2022 09:02PM

"Opposites attract" and all that but you two sound totally incompatible.

I think you're at the stage of being afraid of what the future holds (which is perfectly normal after such a long time with someone).

Wombatman · 16-08-2022 02:45PM

A trial separation might work here. Sounds like both parties need to build themselves back up. Considering what the OP is saying it might be easier to achieve this while ye are apart from each other. Right now ye both appear to be damaging each other, intentionally or otherwise. In a healthy rewarding relationship ye would be enabling and supporting each other

After a set period (six months) ye could sit down and answer the question; is being in this relationship delivering for both of us?

Easier said than done I know.

Irish_rat · 17-08-2022 04:57PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058251592/husbands-mood-swings

Wow! Do your husband a favour and end the marriage to save his life!

Although it seems like a troll

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dorothylives · 19-08-2022 02:13PM

Depression is a serious issue that many people struggle with and find difficult to discuss, even with the people closest to them. Also, some antidepressants can affect libido. So anyone struggling with depression, low self esteem and low libido is not going to be feeling like making the first move. When you are with someone for a very long time you learn to read each other very well. Like all long term relationships, you get out what you put in. If he's depressed then he needs your support, if you don't want to be supportive then end the relationship and move on, for his sake as well as your own.

Husband's Mood Swings

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