What's the etiquette here??

🍿 im getting ready for this one.....

I cooked up an easy and delicious chicken and bacon stew yesterday eve with carrots, parsnip, mixed veggies, pearl barley and lentils. This morning I passed what was a rather straightforward yet viscous nugget which I noticed required a bit more wiping than usual. On the way to the bus stop I felt a rumble in my belly. I thought nothing of it until I got to my stop. Suddenly I released a silent insidious miasma from my anus which surrounded me with the stench of burning tyres and rancid seaweed. Luckily i usually lean against a pole a few feet away from the rabble at my bus stop so nobody was unlucky enough to be overwhelmed by the noxious fumes. I've a feeling I'll be releasing similar putrid miasmas in the near future as my low carb, high veggie diet takes effect.

Have been suffering badly all week. Really tore the arse out of it over the weekend but now it’s tearing the arse out of me. I’ve got a serious bout of “The Itch”. 

Had a ridiculous amount of toilet trips on Sunday. Real squitsy ones. Only had one pint of stout, that new ‘Ireland’s Edge’, can’t say I was impressed. Moved onto lager after that. Was an all day “affair”. Starting early afternoon and continuing into the wee small hours of sixpence.

The Sunday was rough as hell. Couldn’t get off the couch, the day was spent sweating and blowing out hot blasts of fetid “mulch”. I figured that it would all be confined to Sunday but I was very wrong. It followed me throughout the week. 

Things only started to harden up today, I think it was when I remembered this thread. I reckon had I shared my “experiences” early on the Monday, or even Tuesday, things would have gone differently. Internalising one’s own distress is never a good thing. A problem shared is a problem halved, and all that.

Anyway, I’ve come back looking for help on how to manage this. I’m worried it’s a case of, both, ring sting and ire. A double dose. So far I’ve tried alternating between slathering on Sudocrem and talcing the badge. At one point I thought I could form some kind of healing “poultice” by putting a layer of Sudo over an initial, generous, foundation of talc and, then, topping it off with another dusting of talc.

This required staying in a, sort of, “downward dog” position for a long time, letting the air at it, but instead of congealing into a cohesive mass it all simply smushed between the cheeks when I stood up. Wasn’t the worst “sensation” but the soothing was, very, short lived and my boxers were smeared.

Aside from dragging my hole across the floor, like a “wormy” dog, I’m all out of ideas. Anyone got any suggestions? Regular changes of a cold compress? TCP antiseptic? Tea tree oil? I’ll do whatever it takes. Within reason, of course.

Eurax!! Of course! I’m an idiot. This was the recommendation the last time I was “afflicted” in such a way.

I’ll hit the chemist first thing. Get things “righted” for the weekend. Cheers, Doc.

Over in Brussels with herself and the kids for the weekend.

Went to a food market today for lunch and a few drinks. Said I'd nip downstairs and have a "hit and a miss" before I left.

Strolled downstairs and followed the sign for restrooms. One entrance and a large sign saying "self identifying bathroom". Lads it wasn't right. Urinals against one wall and a bank of sit down traps opposite it. I was washing my hands beside a delicate looking young European girl and I genuinely felt sorry for her coming out of a trap. Imagine that poor young one taking care of business and some slob reversing into the adjoining trap and leaving his guts behind him. The noise and not to mention the smell shouldn't be anywhere in the vicinity of our female friends.

Excellently done. Joyce, himself, had Bloom make use of a passing tram to mask a rasper.

Just had a normal run of the mill bowel movement a half an hour ago...nothing interesting of note there....just a standard emptying of the guts.....

But I have passed some very hearty and healthy gas ever since then.....very loud, proud, dry wind with absolutely zero stink.....Immensely satisfying.......

Used up a load of old carrots and parsnips and made a hape of mash with that for the last couple of days...

Unsure if that explains anything.....

Whatever happened to Flash and Paddy Pintman? Gone to poo poo heaven or wha?

Had a bad experience recently Nevin, was over in Egypt on important company business.

Was waiting in Cairo airport and noticed a group of about 5 Irish men, mid sixties, 45/29 merchants

tanking up with ‘gallons’ of what looked like Guinness and being quite loud.

This continued on the plane and from the business part of the cabin I could hear the orders coming thick and fast.

Fcukers almost emptied the galleys of dhrink.

Anyway fast forward we’re in the baggage claim area, and there they were still like a mens shed group.

I decided to hit the pisser for some relief and as if by fcuking automation all five of them headed with purpose to the

same facility, three of them into the traps,slamming them shut.

The three started to drop their guts like belt-fed mortars, sounds of “Jaaaysus” and “Me fcuking guts is rotten”

One lad opened the door as I left and the pot looked like a Christmas cake was walked into the back of it.

And they blame DAA for the foul stench off the DAP shïtters.

Fcukking gutsers the lot of them

Coulld be correct padd, personally left a large backout of foul smelling sludge in my locals shïtters after todays gayam!

The douche who owns is a fcuuhker Dub fan and I couldn’t stomach his crowing for the next two weeks.

So after todays defeat for de Doobs, blew out two full arse cheeks of ripe scutthery midden which coated the furniture with a thin skein of military green cloying deposit.

Fcuker will have to shift that sharpish before she crusts up.

Fcukking scrote