Wife and her male colleague

fatherted1969 · 14-07-2022 12:16am

Why couldn't you check the cost of the hotel room with the hotel themselves? Can't be that difficult to do

Cheerful S · 14-07-2022 1:05am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058253697/wife-and-her-male-colleague

This is just the truth. This is the end of the road if you're having trouble getting sex with your wife!

In your first lines, you claimed your wife couldn't stop talking about him and how awesome he was!

. No matter how much you know about an individual, you can never be 100 percent sure. The sex part is a sure sign someone's into you.

After this Xmas party, your wife changed her sexual advance behavior pattern. Why would she suddenly act differently though? I don't know if she was guilty of lying to you while spending time with this other man or if something else happened at this party?

It's serious since she liked his qualities!!!. There's a possibility that this rebel could be the start of a sexual affair. if left unchecked All you need is mutual attraction.

Six missed calls from him means late at night he really wanted to talk to her. The only time you'll be that obsessed is if you're really close to someone. Maybe they had a fight or argument? I would bet money on her doing something with him she regrets, but she may also be trying to save her marriage too? There's no way you can live with yourself if you don't find out what she did with him. Going on trips or going out a lot and giving excuses is a pattern for an affair.

You saw the call on her phone. She never told you this happened.If this was just nothing, she'd say that colleague you hate called me for this reason and be honest. She covering up something here sort it out !

Rebel81 · 14-07-2022 7:59am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119334422#Comment_119334422

I can honestly say she is not protective of her phone.

Rebel81 · 14-07-2022 8:06am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119334735#Comment_119334735

Thanks for your opinion.

The more this thread goes on, the more I think nothing happened recently.

She didn't delete these calls. Surely she would do that if something ontoward happened.

Not sure what happened at the party. Some posters have said she could have just been horny, after drink etc.

I need to find a way to bring it up. We've had a heart to heart the last few days about our sex life, how she never compliments me or doesn't do much to make me feel attractive, wanted. She said she withholds compliments etc but will be more forthcoming in future.

She doesn't find herself attractive and says this contributes to it. I also don't look at her when talking or entering a room, and she feels ignored. That's not necessarily true but I've not been giving her the attention she wants either, due to resentment building over our sex life.

I'm not ignoring everything I've mentioned in this thread by the way, I need closure on the calls. If they're innocent, great and I can once and for all remove the thoughts.

canonball5 · 14-07-2022 9:32am

OP, I wouldn't even be too concerned if anything happened recently. If she cheated once and got away with it, I promise you she'll do it again. Another point is the sex issue. How any man or woman can be in a relationship and not want to have regular sex is a major issue. I understand you have kids but you as the man need to take the lead and never stop dating her. You need to arrange nights out and put the fun back into your relationship. Never forget that women are emotional and men are logical so use this to your advantage.

YellowLead · 14-07-2022 9:33am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119335001#Comment_119335001

I think you are right to focus on these fundamental issues rather than the other guy which regardless off what’s going on is just a symptom of deeper issues.

Good that you’ve had a bit of discussion so hopefully things will improve but you both have to work at it - it seems like she is hurting too.

nihicib2 · 14-07-2022 10:02am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119335001#Comment_119335001

From a woman's point of view. Well this woman anyway😁

If she's telling you she feels ignored then she feels ignored, she is TELLING YOU this, that she actually feels ignored by you. So pick up on that and try to make her feel less ignored.

If she says she doesn't find herself attractive then maybe she is looking for validation from you to show her you still find her attractive, sexy, that you want her, it doesn't have to be jumping on top her, but a kiss, a hug, a "I love you and thank you for everything you do for us". Do you compliment her and make her feel attractive and wanted ? I know personally if I feel unattractive I don't feel confident enough sexually, this mindset that if I don't find myself attractive then obviously my partner will feel the same, we all have hang ups about our body.

Everyone has been under severe pressure over the past few years, especially those on the front line, then add a family and life on top of it and we as women feel we have to be able to 'do it all' and there's no such thing, something always gives. Do you make time for each other, away from the kids, even just a spin out get some lunch, have a bit of craic, laugh. Be like you were before kids, life, pressure etc if even for a few hours. I know that for me this is so important for myself and my partner to do every now and again. Yes we come back home to it all but for that few hours you aren't mammy and daddy with all the delights and pressures that brings.

I think you need to have a very honest and vulnerable talk with your wife, tell her your fears and worries about everything, make sure she knows you are not accusing her of anything but that you are scared about it all, I remember my partner being suspicious of me once way back, nothing was happening, he saw a text message coming through from a fella who I knew and it was late at night asking me if I was in Galway, he thought he had seen me, I wasn't, it was just an innocent text

My partner called me on it and I burst into tears, not because I was guilty of anything, but because I was doing my best in the relationship, busy life, work etc and I cried, big snottery tears because I couldn't believe he didn't trust me, I was worried after that how text messages could be taken the wrong way.

Basically talk to your wife, a proper talk with no kids about if possible, if you don't get to the bottom of this then it will eat you up and only cause further problems, yes there are things you've mentioned that don't sound great but I also know that when I am worried about things I catastrophize situations and build them up to be worse than they are, I have done that in the past with my partner. Not saying you are but Im just giving my two cents. Maybe he give her the attention she feels she isn't getting at home, without any affair going on. I know if I were to have an affair the first thing Id do is be very protective of my phone, always.

Anyway I don't think any of this can be resolved until you talk to her again, like I said it will eat you up unless you do. I wish you all the best I really do, its horrible to be in this situation, but you have to do something about it.

RoscommonHero · 14-07-2022 10:21am

I find that in head-melting situations like this that simple solutions are the best:

Tell her your concerns, say that you felt so worried that you checked her phone and that you're sorry for that
Get an explanation on the six second call and missed calls from your man
If she is angry you checked her phone then deal with it, that's not the end of the world and you can say that you just felt so desperate at that time that you felt it was your only option. This conversation could segway into an action plan to improve the levels of trust in the marriage or seek counselling, with a commitment from both of you to work on issues that are causing suffering/pain for the other
If you are still not fully satisfied then go to the friend and ask him if he has any romantic interest in your wife, tell him that your marriage needs some space and would appreciate if he backed off for a while. His reaction will tell you a lot.
If she has close female friends she will have been more likey to have confided in them, you could speak to them also or speak to their husbands/boyfriends. Obviously you can't ask flat-out if she has been having an affair but you can get valuable information

(Note that options 4 and 5 above if acted upon would need to be handed delicately or they could make the situation worse, but ultimately if something is bothering you, you can't just let it fester as it will eat you up inside and manifest in other destructive ways in your relationship. Sometimes you just have to rip the plaster right off and deal with the consequences.

dybbuk · 14-07-2022 11:43am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119335496#Comment_119335496

It is a mistery to me how the Irish manage to have long-lasting relationships because, to me, one of the most basic conditions for that would be communication. From my experience, observation and what I read on this forum, Irish couples don't really talk to each other about difficulties in their relationships and thus (in my book) they must be lacking the element of "intimacy", which (to me again) is fundamental and indispensable for this complex phenomenon called "love" (as in romantic love, relationship love etc).

Yet, the Irish do have long-lasting relationships and marriages. My own marriage with an Irish failed and that inspite of my best efforts (to communicate (and be altogether a good partner)). Therefore, while I often read threads like this one, I abstain from commenting as my advice/question would always be "Why don't you talk to her/him?" and I am unable to comprehend comments such as:

"Either way, there are only 2 possibilities here, whether she is or isn't cheating, calling it out will break the relationship and ye are finished... ... It's over. Just bite the bullet and finish it." (by CreadLady post #196)

I don't see any reason why "calling it out" should bring about the end of the relationship. Quite on the contrary: to me, it is just the most simple common sense and the first 3 points of your advice is (or would have been before I married an Irish) seem perfectly reasonable to me: as a couple you try to work on your relationship, confront the problems and each other.

However, in contrast, points 4 and 5 of your advice would consitute a serious overstepping of bounderies, are invasive and controlling "behind my back" moves that I would have found inacceptable if my partner did it to me.

This is not an advice!

Subzero3 · 14-07-2022 11:48am

Change your number on her phone to his name and ring her when your near to see how she reacts.

Your welcome.

dybbuk · 14-07-2022 11:56am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119335974#Comment_119335974

That's borderline. Not really confronting, but not invasive either. I'd do it if I was very suspcious. It screams distrust and is insulting if she isn't/hasn't cheating/ed. But it is not invasive nor controlling. It just about spills over the boundery there.

Seth Brundle · 14-07-2022 12:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119335974#Comment_119335974

Yeah, don't dont that!

Rebel81 · 14-07-2022 12:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119336091#Comment_119336091

I won't! Thanks

Hannibal_Smith · 14-07-2022 1:01pm

Mod Note

@canonball5 Generalisations and sweeping statements are not helpful to the OP and are against the Charter here. Quit it with the you as the man, women are x men are y generalisations and read the Charter before posting again.

@dybbuk same goes for you and the sweeping statement about nationality.

HS

Theboinkmaster · 14-07-2022 10:31pm

I don’t know about the affair but any lies involving this man, missed calls into the night and deleted txts scream something happened 100%. Your wife lying to you about Xmas party, lifts, deleted txts and missed calls are massive red flags.

Cheerful S · 14-07-2022 11:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119335001#Comment_119335001

What would you think if some girl called you six times in a night? Whatever you think about your wife's intentions, this guy was desperate to talk to her for some reason. So what was the reason? Going to have hard time finding out . You broke trust by sneaking on her phone!!. Is it possible she didn't think you'd see them?

Attraction isn't just about sex. Mutual respect, communication, deep chats, and showing care, even a massage or dinner for her, will show you care. When you first met her, how did you feel? What made you marry her? Don't wait for complaints, give her yours. Don't force complaints, otherwise you'll just be manipulating

Before you go on that charm offensive. Need to figure out if she did anything with this man. There could be kisses in drunken stupor or worse they've had sex at different times in the years you've been married? I wouldn't ignore six missed calls from him late at night. However, it's evidence they were separated for a while for him to call around 12am.

The red flags i am nervous for you about this same guy she lied for in the past and seems to reappear in her space when there a party or event on. Is this other guy married?

Here's a simple way to talk about it. I know you're lying here, but just ask was the guy you brought to the Xmas party there at the event? Did you talk during the day? She will say yes he called me if it's all innocent and she doesn't care about this guy one bit feelings. She's hiding something about him by not mentioning the late calls to you!!

Ash.J.Williams · 15-07-2022 7:14am

How is your relationship now ?

dmakc · 15-07-2022 12:24pm

An argument in favour of nothing going on - a workplace affair is ultra hidden, no stones left unturned. Travelling to a work party in the same car for colleagues to witness is not.

Rebel81 · 15-07-2022 12:39pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119339192#Comment_119339192

Very possible she would think that I wouldn't see it, or simply there is nothing to be worried about from my end and it was an innocent call.

She made me feel great, confident, loved at the start naturally and I did the same for her I hope.

I married her out of love, respect, we get on pretty well, have very similar outlooks etc.

Yes her has been married for well over 10 years.

Out of all the posts, I like your last paragraph the most. Makes a lot of sense. Thank you. Might try that

Rebel81 · 15-07-2022 12:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119339754#Comment_119339754

I'd think she thinks everything is all rosy again.

Rebel81 · 15-07-2022 1:12pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119340881#Comment_119340881

Just to clarify, the sharing of the car happened about 6 years ago. Most of the colleagues on her team if not all were not at the Xmas party apparently. It was colleagues from a different department.

The recent event, missed calls, last minute change to stay in the hotel, was a few weeks ago.

mmc2010 · 15-07-2022 1:30pm

I think she has poor self esteem and that she relies on this guy to boost her confidence. He also potentially gives her alot of attention and makes her feel good about herself. Personally, I don't think there is anything physical going on but I do think that he may be over-stepping the boundaries at times. She obviously also knows that you're threatened by him/don't like him and this is why she doesn't mention him - to avoid confrontation. its possible that he suggested a lift to the party - she wasn't going to say 'no, my husband wouldn't like it' as that just sounds silly. So, it may have been easier to keep it quiet from you. The calls late at night could have been innocent. He might have wondered where she was if she left the party or he may have been inquiring did she get back to her room ok etc.

From what I've read, I would agree that communication is key to understand just how she is feeling. I also think counselling/therapy would help to understand why she isn't happy with herself. The date nights and some extra attention would also help get things back on track. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Rebel81 · 15-07-2022 1:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119335400#Comment_119335400

I used to tell her alot how attractive she was etc, but that slowed down over the last few years, mainly because she stopped altogether. But I do certainly tell her she looks gorgeous, make her a cup of coffee or dinner, arrange to go to the cinema etc.

She has now admitted that she withholds compliments etc. Why she would do that I don't know.

Overall, I just think her boundaries are a bit off. 4am texts in the morning and lying about who she is driving with to a party doesn't sit well. She has umpteen male colleagues and friends and I have absolutely no doubts about them.

That's the thing, she is not protective of her phone at all.

Dial Hard · 15-07-2022 1:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119341203#Comment_119341203

Why didn't you ask her why she withholds compliments when she admitted doing it??? It seems your big "heart to heart" the other day was a whole lot of talking without either of you actually *saying* anything.

I don't know, man. You've had 8 pages of advice at this stage and you're still exactly where you started. Why don't you just tell her you want to go to couples counselling and go from there? Because you definitely need it.

Rebel81 · 15-07-2022 1:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119341218#Comment_119341218

I told her I feel like she is not interested in me, sexually or otherwise, and I'm concerned about it.

As mentioned in a previous post, she feels ignored, so there you go. That's something.

Wotholding complements, yes I'll have to ask her why does she do that. Is it out of pride? I don't know.

Dtp1979 · 15-07-2022 2:28pm

For a start, are y sure there was even a Christmas party?

The whole getting intimate as soon as she gets home is a red flag along with deleting his texts. Have you cross checked the dates with when she got pregnant?

Rebel81 · 15-07-2022 4:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119341488#Comment_119341488

I'll be honest, I don't know if there was.

My gut knew there was something off when she was iniating sex for later that night at 10 in the morning. She never does that when hungover. She did it again a few weeks later after another hen party. And no, there were no strippers as some mentioned.

Dtp1979 · 15-07-2022 4:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119342003#Comment_119342003

Yea she’s throwing up too many red flags at this stage. Tbh it wouldn’t be hard to catch her out but it’s up to you whether you believe her or not.

Rebel81 · 15-07-2022 6:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119342091#Comment_119342091

She isnt stupid, she would not give away a thing if there were something going on.

Dtp1979 · 15-07-2022 9:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119342661#Comment_119342661

im not expecting her to tell you. You either have to trust her and let this go, or find out. Confronting or asking her will get you nowhere.

RojaStar · 15-07-2022 9:44pm

Jeepers there are some bananas responses on here. OP - I read your response to mine and skimmed through the rest (too much absolute nonsense in there) so might have missed some bits but just wanted to comment again as there is definitely a lot to work with in what you've said - your wife suggesting quality time together, yes!! I feel what you need is solutions not more problems 😆.

Something that @nihicib2 said from a woman's point of view sparked a thought. Have you ever heard of "Love Languages"? I know it sounds a bit out there but, humour me. There are 5 "Love Languages" and the general idea is that we all have 1 or 2 that are predominant for us, but the same might not be the case for our partners. The idea is that once you know yours, and then figure out your partners, you are maybe more proactive in areas that don't feel natural to you. I won't attempt to butcher it so please google it but an example would be - my main two would be "physical touch" and "quality time". So essentially you could buy me a fancy car and send me daily bouquets of flowers but if you're not prepared to clear your diary for me it doesn't do anything for me. On the flipside, I'm not mad into buying gifts for people, but I consider giving up my time and physically being there (friends, family, partner) the most meaningful thing I can do for someone. I also NEED my partner to compliment my appearance. It is what it is! Women (and I'm sure men!) like to feel desired. Maybe you need some coaching on the types of compliments that hit your wife in the right way ☺️. FWIW I don't think this other guy is a threat. As I said before, it's a distraction. She married you!

Anyway, maybe some food for thought.

nihicib2 · 15-07-2022 11:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119343395#Comment_119343395

Without going all When Harry met Sally on it, YES YES YES! (and if you don't get the reference Im just going to bury myself in gin right now 😂) This is exactly what I was trying to say, she has more or less told you certain things that bother her, as @RojaStar has said and I agree 100% I care not a jot for fancy **** I want quality time and attention, not attention like fawning over someone, attentiveness, just listening to me and I get the feeling you haven't listened to her, especially when she is obviously telling you what she wants from you.

One thing that stood out for me is this

"I used to tell her alot how attractive she was etc, but that slowed down over the last few years, mainly because she stopped altogether." so did you stop giving her compliments because she stopped giving you ones, if so that sounds a bit childish on your behalf, forgive me if I picked you up wrong, but she has had two children and all the pressures that come with that, kids take over your life and maybe you weren't her number one any more, coz that's what happens when women have children, all their energies are sapped by these beautiful strange scary creatures.

Just bloody talk to your wife, get off the Internet and talk to her, this is going round in circles now at this stage, you've had enough advice from everyone, nobody here can do it for you so just get on with it!

JoChervil · 16-07-2022 2:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119340953#Comment_119340953

It sounds like you resent your wife for being kept by YOU oblivious to your needs and your unhappiness...

JoChervil · 16-07-2022 3:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119342003#Comment_119342003

So, when you are unhappy with something, just ask instead of checking her phone. Next day just ask what made her horny, so you could use it to spice your future sex life. It is your choice to stay suspicious instead of discussing it and knowing.

Panthro · 16-07-2022 6:07pm

Two words OP

Couples counselling.

You'll not find the answer your looking for on an Internet thread no matter how much you discuss it.

Your marriage is on the rocks, two of ye should go see someone.

Best of luck

dybbuk · 16-07-2022 7:10pm

😪😅 It is both sad and hilarious that it took a couple of days and 236 posts to get the answer that was so obvious.

BorneTobyWilde · 16-07-2022 7:26pm

If there is no intimacy in a relationship its doomed to failure, you really need to have a Peppermint and Dusty type of relationship, one full of sensuality and excitement.

Roxxers · 16-07-2022 7:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119346542#Comment_119346542

yep very said

Loafing Oaf · 16-07-2022 7:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119343762#Comment_119343762

Just bloody talk to your wife, get off the Internet and talk to her,

If only it was this simple...Given that she flew off the handle before when she got the mistaken impression OP was insinuating there was something going on with the other guy, you'd have to think he risks doing serious damge to his marriage, to put it no stronger than that, if he came straight out and asked her if there is something going on if there isn't...

16-07-2022 7:36pm

Haven't read all the thread, but from what I have read, I don't think this is as complicated as its been made out. I think her colleague is her "work husband" and she is his "work wife". (look it up if you don't know what that is).

I think when she first wanted you to meet him, shortly after you started going out, was probably so he could suss you out for her, while maybe seeing if you two could become friends too. That obviously didn't work out.

I think your wife realises you have a tendancy to become jealous, so she takes the path that avoids hassle or arguments, and just doesnt tell you stuff because of how you'll react.

I don't know how you'll fix it. But I don't think she has been having an affair either.

The DayDream · 16-07-2022 7:36pm

I'm actually shocked people think the jury is still out on this one. It's obvious this woman has had an affair with her colleague. It's not even a question.

6 calls? I wouldn't even leave 6 calls on my dealer's phone, and I really love drugs.

...Ghost... · 16-07-2022 7:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119341203#Comment_119341203

Why would she protect her phone when she has already deleted his long text messages?

And how do you know she deletes them? It must have come up in conversation with her. She is hiding those from you for what I would think are obvious reasons. Best case scenario is that the colleague is being very inappropriate toward your wife.

The DayDream · 16-07-2022 7:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119342661#Comment_119342661

This line of thinking is very flawed. Some people will think the best way to go about it is act like there is nothing to hide and it's normal to get calls from fellas at all hours of the night when you're married. It's much less effort to pretend like it's normal to interact with male colleagues and friends in this way than to go to the trouble of hiding it. Put it in plain sight and pretend it's all in the other person's head that it's more than platonic.

Rebel81 · 17-07-2022 8:55am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119343395#Comment_119343395

Thanks @RojaStar

I brought the whole love languages thing up with her yesterday, as I think it is a very interesting concept. Send her a link at work and told her let's do the quiz for the craic. Her response after reading it was what a load of b#"@ix!

She did it anyway and I was right that I know what her love language. And she knew mine before I even took the quiz. They are quite different but interesting to know going forward.

Xidu · 17-07-2022 9:10am

They had sex. We all adults. Come on, no need to lie to yourself. So it’s up to you what to do next.

Rebel81 · 17-07-2022 9:14am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119346631#Comment_119346631

So... There are messages from this guy on the same night. The first message is say at 11pm, but this is the first message from this number on her phone where he starts the message by saying John here. And asking her what drink she would like.

She replies 30 minutes later telling him what drink she would like.

He replies and tells her there are no glasses left (assume at the bar).

Then 6 missed calls followed by 1 outgoing from her. And then a text from her to him to say that they have glasses again.

Before anyone asks, this was in a function room with loud music. Not a nightclub! Why wouldnt you go up to a person and ask them what they would like?

If one of my colleagues text me when out asking me what drink I would like in a loud room, where I wouldn't even hear the message never mind take out my phone to check my messages, I'd think it was either stupid or an odd thing to do. And then to call her 6 times. If anything, It's him I need to watch, not my wife!!

Anyway I'm done with the whole phone checking thing. It's not right.

I'm going to have a direct conversation with her as to whether they still communicate. Hopefully she says they do in which case I think it's all innocent.

Jequ0n · 17-07-2022 9:37am

For what it’s worth: I think the content of these messages should put you at ease. I don’t see anything that would suggest that anything was going on, but that they didn’t even communicate or hang out together that much.

And I say this as a serial cheater and opportunist.

Good luck with the talk, I hope you get to sort it out.

17-07-2022 10:08am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119348050#Comment_119348050

He starts the message with "John here...."?

So she didn't have the number of the guy she is supposedly having a ten year affair with, saved in her contacts and he had to tell her who he was when texting her?

Okay.

TheadoreT · 17-07-2022 10:17am

I know communication is key in a relationship but the right sort is important. A guy asking his wife what her "love language" is would probably give the majority of women the ick. If you don't already know what you wife likes by now without asking you'd want to be gormless.

Your wife never initiating was probably always a red flag for what it worth. There seems to be an unhealthy dynamic here where the less she gives you the more you crave it which probably spills over to desperation and ultimately makes you less and less attractive to her.

You seem to be a paranoid mess, and regardless of the reality of the situation you don't trust her. I'm not sure what you're getting out of this relationship, it can't be nice to be with a woman who's never craved you and only responds out of some sort duty.

Rebel81 · 17-07-2022 10:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119348199#Comment_119348199

Don't ask because I don't know. And no way we're they having a ten year affair. She doesn't leave the house in such a way that would cause me to be suspicious.

She always had 2 numbers for this guy. Now he has a third number!!

Wife and her male colleague

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