Still think about this stuff...DAILY!!!!

JoeyT1 · 29-07-2022 12:33am #1

I met a girl when I was 31, she was 20. Met at a family gathering. She got my number and contacted me about meeting/relationship. I ignored her outright cuz of age difference but she wrote on and off for 3 months so I relented and said hello and we got on really well. I went and asked her mother if she had any issues about us as if she had then I was just going to bail out as didn't want hassle. She was happy about it.

So we gave it a go.

For 12 months we were really happy...I thought. BUT then we/she met a guy 10 years older than me again! Met at a hobby of ours so I kind of knew him, but never spoke to him.

Que 6 months of me asking myself if anything was going on with them, I ended up having to ask her. She outright denied it. Another 3 months later I had to ask again. Denied again...

Then he died in an accident. She took it dreadfully for months....

A couple months later she was on my computer and didn't log out. For 2 weeks I considered checking her profile and finally I did. She was chatting with his bereaved partner about her full blown affair that she was having with him. Sneaking in windows, etc, he was cheating on the partner aswell so their was STD talks and "lol, hope I didn't catch anything" ooooh lord, I was up all night looking at it. Awful.

So I printed it out and confronted her the next day at her house, she ran inside and locked her bedroom door, I left a biscuit tin of keepsakes from places and things we'd done at her door. Said good luck to her mother and thought that was it.

2 weeks later I got a letter from her, saying i had it wrong. He had raped her......Ehhhh OK.

So I met her.

She said he got inside her head, telling her he loved her. Raped her at the hobby site. BUT she had went back to him 3 times more after!!! Oh lord I was saying to myself, this was my partner of 2.5 years at this stage. She said if she had got pregnant she was going to pretend the baby was mine and in the same conversation said if he hadn't died she would have left me for him. Crazy altogether, didn't know what to do with her....I lost a ton of weight

So I had her go to counselling and told her she was going to have to explain this properly....at some stage. And against my head telling me "run a fuking mile NOW!" we hobbled on as a couple for another year before I asked her to explain.

And she did what she always did when something she didn't want to talk about came up, got into a biblical sulk for 24hrs tethering off over 3 days...

And around this time she started mentioning a co worker guys name of hers alot. A pothead. 1 day in particular, she said she wanted to start smoking weed.... her choice but not in same room as me as I hated the smell. She came back a few days later and told me "I wouldn't tell her what to fuking do"

Lovely.

So a couple months of this, they went to the lake together one day. She told me they were going. And a week later she told me she was heading to town, I rang her at 9pm and she was in his house. I was so shocked on the phone she told me the following day I embarrassed her when I said "you're where!? abit loud.

So I bailed out. And I didn't really hear from her, a txt saying nothing happened that night and 1 missed call. 2 weeks later I was going to give her a call on her birthday but when I went on to Facebook that morning their a was pic of him and her in a hotel room somewhere and comments like "you look so happy guys"

So I deleted her instead of calling her.

A month later she emailed to say it was so shite what happened between us and she was so angry the last few weeks that i had just walked away....I read this mail 60+ times a day for a month and finally replied. We met next day, they were together now as he had been there for her when I wasn't she said. I called her the next day and she was flat out talking about him so I never called again. 6 months later I slipped and emailed her, we had a back and forth about random stuff, they were just back from Amsterdam (Pothead) and she stopped replying. A year later I slipped and did the same thing!! So much for not wanting hassle!

That was 2.5 years ago. They have kids now.

But I still think of this sh1t everyday!!!! How the hell do I make this stop?

Jequ0n · 29-07-2022 5:50am

Remind yourself that she will be doing the same thing to him and anyone else she will meet on her way.

Some people are too damaged to have a health relationship and she sounds like one of them.

You had a lucky escape overall.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-07-2022 6:12am

You can't stop thoughts. Allow yourself to have them, and then make the decision to move on from them and think about something else.

She sounds like a very damaged woman, and that's not going to change regardless of who she's with. Her life now mightn't be all that different to how she was with you. But she's no longer your problem.

The thoughts will eventually fade.

tea and coffee · 29-07-2022 8:08am

I think when someone hurts you and doesn't apologise or feel any remorse it is really hard to get over. It might feel like you're missing her (and you might well be) but also, in my opinion, you're missing closure. Which you're unfortunately never going to get.

Realise that she cheated on you numerous times and that was not ok. You need to stop interacting with her as it is just reopening the wound over and over.

Try some CBT for thr ruminating. Speaking from experience It can be hard to let go of something like that when you feel like she should have said sorry because you probably wonder how she could love you and do something like that to you and it feels very unfair.

For your own sake, let go, and no more contact either.

bad2thebone · 29-07-2022 8:15am

Well rid, nothing worse than crazy. You probably met the worst of the worst. She probably a bit of a drifter and has a wild streak, programmed for danger, adventure and drama. If you kept going you'd be an absolute wreck. She's probably not a bad person, just damaged. They're exciting, sociable, great in bed, funny, witty and can be caring and empathetic.

Best left alone, that monkey branching is another tactic, keep you in the background just for supply. She'll hop from branch to branch, always a safe place in a port.

Had one myself around ten years ago she was actually older than I, and they're usually quite attractive and seductive. Best thing I ever did was stop dating for a year after,as I had to recover from the trauma.

If it's really getting to you and you're locked into an obsession, you'll probably be writing potential script's in your head,how it was, how you could have fixed it etc etc

I had to get therapy to stop the obsession, as I needed professional help. She and her new fella had free rent in my head. Obviously you're self aware, and reaching out for suggestive help.

But at the end of the day you know best.

Wishing you luck,it gets easier and you'll notice the red flags hopefully from now on.

Nothing worse than dating crazy. Been there lol I can laugh at it now, but it wasn't very funny going through it

You'll be ok.

YellowLead · 29-07-2022 5:53pm

No harm in spending a bit of time thinking about it, but more from the point of view of how you managed to stay with her for so long despite the screaming and multiple red flags???

Do you have self esteem issues, are you desperate to be in a relationship at any cost? Figure that stuff out.

TheadoreT · 30-07-2022 7:31am

I can't imagine you had a whole lot in common to begin with. Age gaps are relative, 20 and 31 is a bit creepy imo, whereas 30 and 41 or anything similar upwards is fine. For so many reasons no 20 year could ever be at the maturity/life experience point to be on a level par with someone in their 30's. This was a vanity project on your part and you became obsessed with her.

It turned out(naturally) that she was still figuring everything out and her actions very much reflected that. You can't chose to enter a relationship with someone who's barely an adult and expect a rounded emotional intelligence people gain through mistakes and experimenting and all adult lifes ups and downs.

You were just one of her mistakes and to stop your intrusive thoughts you need to be more honest with yourself about the whole situation and move on. I'm not sure you're really seeing this for what it was.

Hannibal_Smith · 30-07-2022 8:58am

The next time you feel like emailing or texting distract yourself. Contacting her won't make you feel better it'll just pull you back down again. I think you've been unfortunate in the timing of it all. The last two and a half years have hardly been the time to distract yourself with other things. But start from here when you think of emailing her take a step back and go distract yourself. When you think of her remember the headwreck it all was and repeat to yourself nothing good will come from dwelling on it.

Jequ0n · 30-07-2022 9:19am

@TheadoreT Sorry, but I don’t think discussing your affair with the grieving widow, or accusing the dead person of rape after the affair was found out, are signs of immaturity.

Brid Hegarty · 30-07-2022 9:42am

>>Mod Snip<< You were 31. You had a bit of life experience. Yet it seems you never would have suspected anything like this from her. Were there any signs during that first year?

‐-----------

@Brid Hegarty I've removed the first line of your post. Generalisations are against the Charter in PI/RI as they are of no help to the OP. The Charter can be found here. Please read it before posting again.

HS

bitofabind · 30-07-2022 11:20am

OP, I couldn’t even make it to the end of your post as it’s so full of drama and chaos. I can’t even tolerate reading a full internet post about it, and yet you tolerated years and years of it in a partner. And are still allowing it to control your life. Why?

That’a the only way out of the obsessive thoughts and to a healthier, more peaceful life. If that’s what you want. You don’t want it now because you’re traumatised and drawn towards toxic things, maybe because they are familiar. Healthy people don’t tolerate this kind of sh1t. If you want to get healthy you need to take a long, hard look at yourself and figure out what made you stay for so long. It’ll be the work of your life. It’ll be painful and confronting. Not doing it means you won’t change you you’ll meet Damaged Narcissistic Woman 2.0 at some stage in the future and double down on your trauma.

What’s it going to be?

JoeyT1 · 31-07-2022 5:00am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119402280#Comment_119402280

I'd never contact her again. That part is OK.

I was left with a lot of questions, missing closure as you say. That last time I met her, she already didn't give a fudge. She had moved on and it was only a few weeks, their was no point even asking questions that day so I knew I'd never know the truth about any of it. The time she spent crying about her would be rapist dying (She had me bring her to the funeral) was waaaay longer than the gap between us finishing and her starting up with coworker guy.

It has really surprised me though the way it just invades my thoughts all this time later.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119404900#Comment_119404900

Yea...just when it all went to sh1te I was just starting to think about maybe living together and all that, I was in no way then equipped for affect of her story. So I went through it all to see if it could ever get back to that point, but it just got worse...

I don't need to be in a relationship...I'd been on my own for nearly 8 years when I met her, I was in no rush to start anything with her and haven't really been with anyone since her, which probably hasn't helped as the saying goes, "Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" My last partner actually cheated with my best friend, his guilty conscience made him tell me the next day.....so I lost both of them at the same time.

I'm probably to fond of being on my own at this stage. Actually, I've never actually asked someone out....

Plus how do you trust anyone after what she did, I've noticed this as an after affect in loads of my interactions now with close and ramdom poeple. Not bothering with people has gotten worse.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119402299#Comment_119402299

Potential scripts - Yup. Did I make mistakes. The rape story was so messed up, I'd no exp for that. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. I've done it all.

I've point blank refused to accept I did anything wrong, fighting with myself in my head, to maybe If I'd done this, to I should've have done that. From one end of the spectrum to the other. The mental thought power I've put into this would run Dublin electric for a year....while shes off having babies with the second guy she probably cheated on me with....ooooh it's crazy. I've accepted all eventualities but still the thoughts remain.....

I'd run through possibilites of what was likely with the age gap before anything started, I plan, I'm aware, I see, she was free to do as she wanted just let me know.....I'd spotted hobby guy as an issue and had actually mentioned not to be alone around him...assuming anything happened....their was nothing on her profile about rape and she had 2 weeks to think about her story so...who knows.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119406625#Comment_119406625

Naa, not creepy. Lots in common or it wouldn't have lasted 2 months. You're off on age gaps potentials etc. I've been probably to honest with myself about the whole situation and looked at it from way to many angles and I'm my own enemy but it's my personality type i guess. Live and learn and because I've fairly limited exp of being with people, I'm learning it abit late where as most will have rolled through many partners much earlier than me

I'd ran a possible relationship past people before it started and during when it went to hell....I bailed cuz I just couldn't take anymore...I didn't think at the time that that was it but she moved on......for the best.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119407006#Comment_119407006

No

oceanman · 31-07-2022 5:37am

sounds like you picked a real crazy one there, or they picked you....plenty of them out there. try to move on with your live now and put it behind you.

TheadoreT · 31-07-2022 8:54am

OP if you ask anyone in their 30's upwards what they were like at 20 I think the vast majority would say they were just a baby in adult terms. Nobody is near their emotional intelligence peak then, not even close. Its a bit concerning that you cant grasp that despite all your apparent over analysing. This is why I find these type of age gaps exploitative.

And it's hard to believe everything was rosey in the relationship the first year before she cheated, people who are content in relationships generally don't. From your posts it seems you lack self respect and its hard for anyone else to respect you if you're a bit of a doormat and accept poor behaviours . It's unfortunately human nature for people to exploit weakness.

Anyway the point being is you're blaming her for most things here and I don't see any personal accountability, or ways you'll learn for future growth. I don't think you grew from when your previous ex cheated either. It's too easy to just say they were psychos or narcissists or whatever cliches people who feel hard done by in relationships roll out. And even if there are elements of truth to that(which there may be here) you need to ask yourself why you weren't more assertive to red flags much earlier and why you're still obsessing years later.

JoeyT1 · 31-07-2022 1:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119410638#Comment_119410638

yea sure their was the odd thing because of the age gap, she'd cringe or we,d laugh for a moment, sort it if needed and and ya move on....expected, or same as she could wake up one day and think she was missing out on fun one nighters if things lasted for a good while....if things worked, wayhey, if not.......Peoples heads of all ages are easily turned everyday.

TBH, all i think of now is all the bad stuff. If I look at a picture of some day we had together i'd be like "oh yea, I remeber that" but I don't remember year 1 anymore. I remember thinking I was happy then which was/is rare. Maybe she wasn't, obviously she wasn't. But all I remember is sh1te. I walked away at the end and I should have told her she was a horrible piece of sh1t instead....dunno if it would have closured anything for me.

I don't lack self respect, I give people 1 or 2 lifes and if they're an ass then I just don't bother with them anymore. Sometimes I'll bump into people years later and you get the "Oooh haven't seen you in ages" yadda yadda....Nowadays I'd be more inclined to say yea, that's cuz you're an ass. Mostly I just don't bother with people now. I even found a job where I'm on my own all day. Hell, the boss emails or txts 99% of the time as I wouldn't answer the phone. If he rings me nowadays I know it's urgent.

Course I blame her, I didn't introduce third parties multiple times. She did. Only feedback I got was "You're a great guy, you were always there for me" OOh, I got "You're an overthinker and it's shite" right at the end after having put up with all of the above for....well years and having got nowhere and no answers....The last time I'd tried turned into a sulkfest and I gave up.

If I knew why I was obsessing now I wouldn't have started the thread.

Hi Joey, why are you thinking about this for the 15,000 time.....

im tired

31-07-2022 2:00pm

Was it an age gap issue?

Was she gaslighting you?

Was she suffering from previous trauma?

You'll never really know.

She was twenty when ye met and ye may very well have got along well and had plenty in common but she hadn't really had a chance to let her hair down and have fun. Maybe she saw you as a bit of fun initially and ended up in a relationship that she wasn't really ready for. As for the older fella, that would have went nowhere. I reckon she enjoyed the excitement of sneaking around and yar man enjoyed getting his oats from a young one half his age. Would he have left his wife? I doubt it.

Out of interest, how old is 'Pothead'?

JoeyT1 · 31-07-2022 3:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119411772#Comment_119411772

Same age as her.

Natural conclussion.....

sporina · 01-08-2022 9:51pm

OP you deserve better.. get yourself a good therapist and work on your self esteem/worth.. man.. she's a hard case..

01-08-2022 11:08pm

She likely has some type of pervasive personality disorder, which sometimes arise from very negatives experiences early in life. The same patterns of behaviour and happenstance repeat more or less throughout life, unless individual acknowledges the issue and has a desire to work with a therapist, eg sometimes people with Borderline Personality Disorder do seek and find effective ways of managing their lives, but too often they impact negatively on others’ lives that relationships can not endure.

Pissy Missy · 01-08-2022 11:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058256609/still-think-about-this-stuff-daily

You were so lucky you did not have kids with this chick, she's a ho. It's so messed up you had a lot to process. You had a lucky escape. Time to move on, there's genuine people out there.

----------------------------------------

@Pissy Missy less of the derogatory comments please. Not the standard of posting expected here.

Thanks

gary550 · 01-08-2022 11:33pm

say a prayer and thank whoever was looking down on you mate

bullet dodged would be the understatement of the century

I think it's natural to dwell on it, I don't think after having an emotional attachment to someone ever leaves it just changes forms and gets less and less consuming as time passes.

I'd just be thankful it was over and you learned from it, goes without saying you deserve better than that!

Still think about this stuff...DAILY!!!!

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