Help a lady out please

Jafin · 02-06-2022 3:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119147367#Comment_119147367

Best of luck at the weekend, whatever happens. I know it can be difficult, but just think of it this way - you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. It's terrifying to put yourself out there, and the mind games we play with ourselves don't help. We can often fabricate a lot of imagined situations out of essentially nothing, but nothing beats talking to the person face to face because things can very easily be misconstrued or misunderstood via text since you can't get a proper sense of someone's tone.

83hamilton · 09-07-2022 7:35pm

Hi guys,

Back again. So we ended up going on four dates - met at event I mentioned above, then I was in his area the following week and we had lunch. He asked me to a gig with him a few days later (in his home town) - all dates were great to this point. Then I suggested meeting again - two week gap between dates due to both being busy. He visited my home town. Date was lovely but ended up rushed and stressy due to an event in my town causing traffic delays when he had to be back in his town later (1.5 hour drive away). I was anxious that he get back in time, as I hadn't foreseen the delay and struggled to relax.

Anyway, he got back in time and all was OK. He texted me the next day to say thanks for a lovely afternoon, and asked how was I getting on. I replied, asked a question - he didn't reply. Later in the week I sent him a video he had asked about and we started chatting again. But no text either side since. He did tell me he had something on Thursday and Friday night (he told me where he was going, which we had been talking about in previous conversations, so it's not a case of him lying and saying too busy - he genuinely is very busy!). So I left him to it as no point getting into text chats if he's that busy anyway. But now I'm here and wondering is there any point going any further? I've really enjoyed all our dates, like really enjoyed them. But I've found the communication in between difficult - it's all been texting which has been fairly mutual, but I've learned that it is anxiety inducing for me. I need phone calls if I'm not seeing someone regularly- if things continue, I will say as much. But also, he hasn't initiated conversation since. I don't want a mutual ghosting situation - I'd like to see him again but this feels a little bit like the situation that started the thread in the first place. I do genuinely find early dating difficult anyway. Any advice on my next step? I had thought of checking in to see where his head is at given that in person, things have been great.

09-07-2022 7:45pm

Have you organised/suggested another date? Some people love texting (I’m happy to do it) others don’t rate it.

The personal feedback, how ye got on together on the dates is far more important. Any snuggling type activities ?

83hamilton · 09-07-2022 7:49pm

Yes, dates have been great. The kissing has been great too! Lots of hand holding. Like, all positive. I guess I feel still as though I'm pursuing him and that is unnerving me and making me feel a little crap about myself - but that's my own anxiety, nothing in his behaviour towards me has made me feel that way. But no next date has been organised or suggested on either side. Conversation has all been very light and breezy. No heavy conversations yet.

09-07-2022 8:03pm

Take the initiative, suggest a date… if he agrees, all good.

After 4 dates I would be expecting the girl to come up with date suggestions… ye are the more creative 🙂

greasepalm · 09-07-2022 8:13pm

Very nice to hear things are moving along and your going for it and wishing you all the best.

YellowLead · 10-07-2022 9:06am

OP, he clearly has some kind of interest of her wouldn’t have continued chatting after you guys first met and gone on those dates especially to a gig etc which is involving you in one of his interests.

Everybody loves at different paces and that’s what makes early dating tricky. He may be dating others still. He may be unsure and still getting to know you. He might just be looking for a ride (sorry to throw that one in there and it’s unlikely but always a possibility and sometimes very hard to spot)

It could be the case that he likes you but the distance is a pain so he doesn’t want to get too involved, is going with the flow a bit and taking the opportunity until he meets somebody more convenient. But I don’t know, if you both live in remote areas maybe 1.5 hours isn’t a big deal and you are used to it, I couldn’t do that.

Just suggest another date and be done with it. If he is up for the date and things are going good then perhaps you can have a bit of an in person chat.

83hamilton · 10-07-2022 10:07am

I think there is interest there too @YellowLead but that's what I'm trying to figure out. I'm more remote than he is to be fair, so the fact that he travelled down to see me last week was lovely. I'd imagine he has many more options in his own area. There's none in mine so it's a given that I have to travel. But I can definitely see how it would be an issue, especially with an already busy lifestyle.

I don't get the vibe that he's looking for the ride at all. I don't move fast in that regard anyway so I hope that won't become an issue.

Honestly, we haven't spoken on the phone but I had considered just phoning him to see where his head is at. I don't know why, but that seems easier than another text for a date. I have ended up carrying the weight of a previous relationship and don't want to repeat the pattern.

83hamilton · 03-08-2022 12:52am

Asked him if he wanted to meet again - he invited me up to him for dinner. Had a great evening. He bumped up the texting big time - every day chats. We were both at the same event this weekend - we hadn't arranged to meet but he texted Friday evening to see where I was at - I replied saying I'd text when I landed. Which I did. He saw my message, and replied in the early hours of the morning with the excuse 'sorry, long day, how did you get on?'. Now I was with friends so not stood up so to speak but felt I had a reasonable expectation that we would meet. I had intended asking where his head is at this weekend. Got a text each morning asking how my day went but again, no suggestion of meeting. My head is wrecked. I replied to his messages but I'm feeling deflated at having to initiate the meet up each time.

Confront or move on?

03-08-2022 12:57am

Move on from what?

Has this ever moved on from a brief snog in the last two and a half months?

More broadly, what do ye have in common? What’s to be lost here if you didn’t initiate the next meeting?

83hamilton · 03-08-2022 1:10am

Multiple similar interests @[Deleted User]. It hasn't progressed beyond a few dates, a lot of contact in between and snogs on dates but when you put it like that, I haven't lost anything. I just wanted it to be more. I really enjoyed his company, genuinely.

03-08-2022 1:41am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119422123#Comment_119422123

I wouldn’t read to much in to it. Sounds like he had a long day. His work might be stressful.

You could arrange to meet him again and make a call on it then.

03-08-2022 1:47am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119422123#Comment_119422123

Is a platonic relationship a possibility? If you want more it might be time for you to communicate that. I wouldn’t use the word confront, but it’s an insight into your feelings.

83hamilton · 03-08-2022 2:15am

@[Deleted User] we were at a social event, it wasn't work related.

@[Deleted User] I guess I'm not looking for platonic as I do have feelings for him. I think pride is getting in my way too a bit - I think there needs to be a conversation for sure but I find it hard to put myself in the way of a conversation when I feel put on the long finger a bit. It feels like the opposite of how a relationship normally starts.

Sprog · 03-08-2022 2:16am

No it wouldn't be weird to send him one text, don't get too hung up if he doesn't reply but you'll never know otherwise!

03-08-2022 2:18am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119422156#Comment_119422156

I know but I thought he said he had a long day

Jafin · 03-08-2022 2:59pm

You have been dancing around each other for a few months now. I don't think an honest conversation is out of order at this point. Arrange to meet him, lay out how you're feeling and what you want and see what he says. Communication solves a lot. Either way you will have an answer and it will be a lot better than overthinking and worrying about everything.

cezanne · 03-08-2022 3:16pm

Read through all the advice on here and your reservations, my absolute advice go back to Bumble let him slide hes not into a relationship, likes an odd snog dinner & a drink but not anything thats obligatory. Move on, tick him off as a nice snog & a few dates but no potential. iIts very intense for you and not worth it at all. He will give you wrinkles wondering, a keen guy is keen and attentive. This guy well he is casual, a **** buddy at best but with the intensity you have with texting dont have sex with a guy like this as they have sex when ever & whereever with whomever they like. You are sensitive and dont need this abuse. Back to bumble look for a new one.

83hamilton · 03-08-2022 4:36pm

Thanks @Jafin, I guess I'd been hoping to have that conversation this weekend and had built myself up to it so it was more disappointing to know we were in the same area and meeting wasn't on the cards.

@cezanne - I'm leaning more towards what you are saying to be honest. I don't need the head melt of it all. Even if I did have the conversation, I don't think it will amount to anything more than another few weeks of the same crap. The chemistry is great but I'm not sure it's worth the effort.

cezanne · 03-08-2022 4:59pm

Remember chemistry is usually hormones ! back on bumble young woman and cast your net wide & far ! There are still some excellent prime fish in the sea not all are farmed and full of lice ! :) Good luck

04-08-2022 1:11am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119424624#Comment_119424624

Don’t touch bumble . You like this dude. He was tired at an event you were both at. Give the dude a chance if it doesn’t work out move on. Hard to make a connection, be direct, if he recoils move on

alibab · 04-08-2022 6:10am

Ok I have read the whole thread and personally I would find this situation head wreaking . I would call him out and see what happens as you have nothing to lose . What he is doing is just giving you enough to keep you interested and available but really making zero effort at the same time . If a guy wants to see you then you will know as the old saying goes and this guy is not making a effort .

I had this recently but I didn’t get invested as recognized it early . The usual not much txting communication and the weekly days in there terms . I decided ok it suits me now but I will keep my options open so I downloaded bumble again and sure he was still in it despite saying otherwise.

in the end I just called it for what it was and persevered some dignity and ended what we had which wasn’t much to be honest . I felt relief and a weight was lifted and I took control of it . I did so in a nice txt but was clear etc and my instincts were correct . Our instincts usually are correct we should listen to them .

so my advice take control and txt with a specific date and type of date and a commitment of well are you on for it . His reaction will tell you what you need to know and go from there .

YellowLead · 04-08-2022 9:24am

It sounds like he dips in and out when it suits him - ie likely when he has no other dates lined up, then great you are available to him.

I’d just end it or - basically don’t contact him first, if he reaches out be less available. If he makes a massive consistent effort and you really like him then chat to him as suggested and see, but it sounds like it’s going nowhere unfortunately.

misssunshine36 · 04-08-2022 10:35am

I would leave it, if I were you. I think this fella is just going to wreck your head even more, and possibly dating other people, which could be why he seems to be unavailable/not showing up. Had years of this type of experience, and realised a long time ago that if someone really wants to date etc, there is no confusion, and it made it so much easier for me to move on. I eventually met my now partner, and there were no games etc. When we met, I really had no time for games, as I was very happy single. Luckily we both wanted the same thing and it all worked out. I'm sure you will meet someone else, where there will be no games/confusion, and you'll look back on this, and laugh about it. You deserve more than what is happening now

laoisgem · 04-08-2022 4:04pm

My head is wrecked just reading this thread.

The beginning of any relationship is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. This is the divorce phase.

My advice is, sort out your anxiety and don't get into a relationship until then.

83hamilton · 04-08-2022 6:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119426431#Comment_119426431

Thanks @alibab, I do feel he is being lazy and throwing breadcrumbs. However, I've been on Bumble all this time as well. I've only messaged one other guy, and that was at the last stage when I thought we wouldn't meet again. If I match with someone on Bumble, I assume they are dating others (like myself) until such times as there is a conversation about it. So that in itself for me is not an issue. I'm reluctant to ask him to meet again as that's what I've done up to now. When I step back to see if he'll step up, he doesn't.

I am considering calling him out in a text message and telling him that while I had fun, I'm looking for a relationship and I don't feel we are on the same page so I'm moving on.

83hamilton · 04-08-2022 6:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119426783#Comment_119426783

Thanks @YellowLead. He genuinely has been busy in between - he usually tells me where he is and with who, even though I haven't ever asked to be fair.

04-08-2022 8:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119429472#Comment_119429472

I think that’s for the best to put your mind at rest. If he was smitten he’d make time. This always busy craic is BS. Besides, if it became a relationship how is he suddenly not going to become busy?!

83hamilton · 06-08-2022 3:24pm

Sent closure text, called him out on his hot and cold behavior. Told him I wanted a relationship with more consistency and that I didn't feel we were on the same page but I hoped we could still be friends.

He got back to me to apologise - he bumped into an ex, who was in the group he was hanging out with over the weekend and didn't want the awkwardness of us meeting so he slowed contact. He apologised for poorly handling things and for the confusion. And that he couldn't offer more consistency being so busy - the distance is an issue. Unfortunately friends is all we can be.

Sad, but time to move on. Thanks so much for the advice guys- this has been headwrecking but I think if I had put my cards on the table a lot sooner about what I want, I could have brought an end to the situation sooner. Lesson learned.

06-08-2022 4:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119437486#Comment_119437486

Well done. "Bumped into ex" can be read as arranged a meeting with ex. You are well rid. Good luck.

Help a lady out please

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