Brother Says I Can't Sit Next To Wife At Wedding

Unhappy Brother · 04-08-2022 11:05am #1

This issue might seem a bit small compared to some of the problems people have but I’m quite upset and would like to hear people’s opinions.

I’ll keep it short and to the point. I live in China with my Chinese wife. I’ve been here nearly 9 years now. My wife and I have a little boy who is 6 years old.

I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. Last year, my brother, Peter, got engaged to his girlfriend and their wedding is coming up later this year. He invited me, my wife and our child to come to the wedding and we gladly accepted. My brother also asked me to be a groomsman, along with our other brother and his best friend (who is best man). We’re due to fly home at the end of September – permitting ongoing situation with covid.

While talking to my parents on skype recently, they informed me that Peter and his fiancée have organized the wedding reception and seating arrangements. They told me that I would be sitting at the main table along with my son and my parents, my siblings, bride and groom, groom’s parents, maids of honour and groomsmen. My wife however, will be sitting at a different table with my parents’ friends. When they told me this I was shocked and a bit upset. First of all, I consider my wife to be part of my family. Secondly, there is the issue of separating my little man from his mother. Thirdly, there’s the fact that my wife will not know anyone at the wedding apart for my immediate family. She’s from a different culture and doesn’t speak English as her native language. Her English is quite good (we work in an English-speaking environment here) but she will be the only non-Irish person there and on the occasions when we have been home in the past, she struggled to understand people with their accents from my home town.

I spoke to my brother Peter in a very calm way and asked him if he could arrange for my wife to sit at the main table with the rest of us. He told me that there wasn’t enough room. I explained to him that the situation wasn’t good, and I would like to sit with my wife and that she would also feel very uncomfortable being at a table with people she’s never met. My brother told me that his wedding cannot “revolve around my wife”. He also told me that our other brother is bringing his girlfriend who will be seated at a different table. My sister isn’t bringing anyone.

I was quite upset but didn’t want to cause an argument. The following day I told him that if it wasn’t possible for my wife to sit at the main table with me and everyone else, then could he arrange for me and my son to sit at the other table with my wife. He said he would think about it. He then came back to me and said as I am a groomsman, I have to sit at the bridal party table but my son can sit with my wife at the other table. He said those are the only 2 options, either myself and my son at the main table with my wife separate, or me at the main table with my wife and son separate.

I don’t know if it’s relevant but the family history is also weighing on my mind here. We’ve all had a very rocky relationship in the past, with lots of fighting and arguments, both in the immediate family and extended family. My father has 2 brothers who he doesn’t speak to, and they’re not invited to the wedding for example. My mother has 1 sister and she has refused the invite saying that she can’t make it. There has been a lot of water under the bridge but for the last few years I have had a fairly stable relationship with everyone, and I’ve really made an effort to have good relations with the family – travelling back when I could both pre and post-covid, talking regularly on skype, trying to help them with problems, etc.

I can see the potential here for a big argument and I don’t want that. That’s why I’ve been very careful in speaking to Peter nicely and not being aggressive.

Happy to hear your thoughts.

sbs2010 · 04-08-2022 11:14am

If Peter or his fiancee are the type to take the hump and hold a grudge you'll have to suck it up and leave wife on her own or suffer the grudge.

But it's not just the meal. As a groomsman you'll be expected to hang around the bridal party all day.

Say to Peter - look wife doesn't know anyone and she'll have a **** time, can you find another groomsman? I think would be better if I wasn't in wedding party (top table people)

FunLover18 · 04-08-2022 11:17am

Take the offer of placing your son at your wife's table and leave it at that. It's not an ideal outcome but they'll have each other and and tbh it's only for the length of the dinner and speeches, no one sticks to the seating once the party starts.

Personally I don't think it's worth making a fuss over, it's not like your wife wasn't invited and if your other brother's gf isn't at the main table either then she's not being deliberately excluded.

I can see the above poster's point about groomsman duties but if you got this close to argument over seating I can only imagine the tension if you tell your brother you don't want to be a groomsman anymore.

Fandymo · 04-08-2022 11:18am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058257412/brother-says-i-cant-sit-next-to-wife-at-wedding

Have you never been to a wedding before? The wedding party sit at the top table and everyone else on other tables. It’s always been this way

Ficheall · 04-08-2022 11:19am

Had your son not been at the bridal table, that would have been the arrangement I would have expected. He and your wife being at another table seems standard, I think.

BronsonTB · 04-08-2022 11:19am

It would be normal for your wife to have to sit at another table (not part of bridal party). Either take on the role of groomsman, accepting that your wife will have to site/talk & mingle with other guests or you don't do groomsman & sit with her.

Making a huge deal out of something that shouldn't be. It's not your day, it's his!

Nothing to do with history/family relationships or anything like that. This is simply 'normal' wedding etiquette!

Enjoy the wedding either way...it should be a once off....

Atlantic Dawn · 04-08-2022 11:21am

Tell him you can't be a groomsman due to a back injury, problem solved.

04-08-2022 11:24am

Its very normal for the bridal party and parents to sit at the top table and partners be they wives or husbands to sit at a guests table. I never seen it otherwise. I get where you're coming from but honestly I think it's very unreasonable to ask for your wife to be included at the top table.

I think most of us have been in situations where our partners were in the bridal party and we had to sit at another table at a wedding. Its sounds like they are having a fairly traditional wedding set up so thats just the way it is.

Givin the history and fact you've worked very hard to get things to a good place, im sure your wife would understand and put up with being apart for the 2 some hours you'll be eating.

Baybay · 04-08-2022 11:26am

Weddings can be nightmares for all concerned.

People get caught up on what should be done etiquette wise, what the neighbour did, what can be done that’s different / the same, what mammy wants, what the actual couple wants etc.

If your family is as small town as you suggest, they may have no idea how isolating it’d be for your wife to have a seating arrangement as suggested. That said, the “top” table is usually for the wedding party & would only include those family members who have a role on the day.

If the wedding is proceeding along this traditional seating plan, sit with the wedding party for the meal but ask for your wife & son to be seated at the next table nearest you, allowing ease of interaction between you. I say this as someone who frequently is amazed at what my OH’s family consider normal but also as someone who lives far enough away from them to be able to choose my battles.

DoctorEdgeWild · 04-08-2022 11:30am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427317#Comment_119427317

Every wedding can be totally different, the configurations and arrangements can be changed in a hundred different ways, it's all up to the couple to do what they fancy.

bucketybuck · 04-08-2022 11:35am

The in-laws always sit at another table, the OP must never have been to an Irish wedding before.

You are creating drama here and I doubt your brother is thanking you for it, wedding planning is bad enough without this sort of micro management.

Are you not also doing your wife a dis-service as well, she is a grown woman who I'm sure she can handle sitting with a few strangers for a few hours.

04-08-2022 11:36am

You shouldn't take this personally.

It is normal wedding etiquette for members of the wedding party to sit at the top table with the bride and groom, while their spouses or partners are seated with the guests.

I think the compromise of seating your son and wife together is the best you can expect, unless you pull out of being groomsman yourself.

JayRoc · 04-08-2022 11:52am

I think it would have been perfectly normal wedding etiquette to expect you to sit at the top table away from your missus if you're in the wedding party...

with the exception of them expecting your young son to sit up there away from his mother. That is a bit thoughtless and whether they meant it or not (they probably didn't) it would make it seem like your wife was being excluded.

I wasn't at the top table at my sibling's wedding and it was no big deal, I have been at the top table while my wife was seated elsewhere, also no big deal.

Best option for you IMO is to leave your kid with your missus for the meal, explain to her that this is normal at Irish weddings, but for christ's sake don't ignore her for the day regardless of what your brother wants.

( Your OP said that none of your other siblings who are also sitting at the top table will be joined by their spouses/partners? That should help put your mind at rest).

bullpost · 04-08-2022 11:56am

Is it an option to travel home alone for this? That will solve it.

Ash.J.Williams · 04-08-2022 12:12pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058257412/brother-says-i-cant-sit-next-to-wife-at-wedding

seating your son at the main table is the main issue here, he doesn't have a role to play like you and the best man, so he should be seated with his mother and then problem is solved.

Padre_Pio · 04-08-2022 12:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427519#Comment_119427519

The option would be to travel home a few days early and introduce your wife to some people who'll be at the wedding, maybe even the table. My last wedding table had the WAGs of the groomsmen who knew no one, we all got along fine.

Your wife is from a different culture and will have plenty to talk about. Besides, half the time you're eating and the other half you're listening to speeches.

realdanbreen · 04-08-2022 12:18pm

If the seating arrangements for the wedding are causing you to be "quite upset " a month out from the ceremony and the brother is digging his heels in then it all should get interesting when ye have a few pints down!

Curse These Metal Hands · 04-08-2022 12:23pm

Every time I read a thread like this I'm more convinced that eloping is the best way to get married.

Fandymo · 04-08-2022 12:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427389#Comment_119427389

The vast, vast majority of Irish wedding have the wedding party at the top table and always have done.

StupidLikeAFox · 04-08-2022 12:30pm

Ask your brother to sit your wife and child with some sound family or friends who will make her feel included.

facehugger99 · 04-08-2022 12:32pm

My advice would be to apologize to your brother for acting like a drama-queen.

CreadanLady · 04-08-2022 12:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427332#Comment_119427332

Cos groomsmen have to lift heavy things for the day?

That is a stupid idea.

Sure the brother will know right well that he hasn't got a back injury and he is only making it up.

Riesen_Meal · 04-08-2022 12:39pm

Not an ideal situation OP but you have to see it from his side also...

Take the offer of the child at the table with her, it's not your wedding at the end of the day and chances are it will only be for a few hours and you will be back sitting with them after realistically..

It's not every day people get married so just try accommodate him for the day that is in it...

Baybay · 04-08-2022 12:40pm

Wow.

OP, don’t change your plans. Come home with your wife & son, plan on being groomsman, no need to apologise to your brother, just enjoy the many vagaries of Irish family importances & head off back to doing your own thing when it’s all over.

But do ask for the seating option I suggested earlier. (Forgot to mention that hence the edit)

Furze99 · 04-08-2022 12:45pm

The OP is right to be annoyed, his wife is not exactly in the same position as other Irish guests. You can see why he's concerned and fair dues to him for being considerate. I'd suggest to OP that he discusses with his wife and see what she feels happy with. Certainly their child should be with her, to suggest otherwise is complete nonsense. Maybe as suggested make sure she's introduced to a few others at table beforehand and/or have a word with them to explain situation. As regards event, as soon as decorum allows, shift yourself to your wife's able. It's the brother & his fiancee's day but not everything revolves around them, others have to manage. We've declined wedding invites in the past when children weren't to be facilitated.

realdanbreen · 04-08-2022 12:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427707#Comment_119427707

You're blonde aren't you!

secondrowgal · 04-08-2022 12:51pm

As an example, we had the best man's girlfriend at the top table at our wedding because she didn't know anyone. But that was our choice. She'd have been fine seated elsewhere too.

However, it's your brother's wedding and the seating arrangements are a right pain. Don't be adding to his stress by getting upset over this. Let your son sit with his mother and problem solved.

Atlantic Dawn · 04-08-2022 12:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427707#Comment_119427707

Exactly, it's code for him to know it's a pain in the hole task he doesn't want to be involved in. He should have made him best man or nothing coming all that way over to be spending the day going around with rubbish tasks when all you want is to relax.

realdanbreen · 04-08-2022 12:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427760#Comment_119427760

Steady on now. Somebody is being a bit clingy here and it's not Peter. The wife is going to be sitting in the same room as him probably no more than few yards away for what an hour or so.

lawred2 · 04-08-2022 12:57pm

The fu*k? your son but not your wife? I can't wrap my head around that.

Just ask for your son to be seated with your wife.

Padre_Pio · 04-08-2022 1:07pm

Just another point to add is that even if your wife is with you at the table, you're going to be busy with the groom beforehand, with the photos, with the ceremony, you're not going to have a minute to talk to her anyways until the dinner is over. She'll have the little man with her occupying her attention too.

Your best bet is to introduce her to people at the start of the day and just get on with things. You're overthinking this majorly. It's only a few hours.

Deeec · 04-08-2022 1:09pm

I think your are being unreasonable. You are a groomsman and you are part of the wedding party and you sit at the top table - thats the way it is - its your job. It would look daft having your wife sitting there too. You are partnered with a bridesmaid for the day so your wife will be on her own for most of the day ( until the first dance is over) - so you need to prepare her for that. You could ask for your son to sit with your wife - I think this is reasonable.

Annoying your brother with this sort of silly stuff is ridiculous - wedding organising is stressful enough as it is. Your wife is an adult and surely she can mingle with your friends and relations for a few hours and let you do your duty as groomsman for your brother.

Do you have a friends wife/cousin that could partner your wife for the day?

Tuesday_Girl · 04-08-2022 1:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427825#Comment_119427825

It's going to be more than an hour or so, realistically he will see little of his wife until after 9/10pm when dinner and speeches are over. She'll be alone during and after the marriage ceremony too since the groomsman will be with the wedding party. Given that she knows no-one and is not a native English speaker, OP is just looking for ways to make the day easier for her by them spending less of it apart.

Unhappy Brother · 04-08-2022 1:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427896#Comment_119427896

My job? Thanks for that. I thought a wedding is meant to be a celebration where people feel welcome and open.

Lots of people seem to be saying "that's the way it is". Again, I was under the impression that a bride and groom can choose whatever plan they want, and there is no legal obligation to do things a certain way. The whole thing has really opened my eyes to the way most people follow what they're told to do and don't question it.

As for your question about a friend's wife/cousin to partner my wife for the day, the answer is no. As I mentioned in my original post, my parents don't get along with my aunts and uncles, none of them are coming to the wedding and neither are their children, i.e. my cousins. None of my friends will be there as I don't have mutual friends with my brother (mainly due to age difference).

Thanks though to all of you for the replies.

Fandymo · 04-08-2022 1:28pm

What’s poor little wifey gonna do for the hour in the church when the groomsman is up at the alter? Have people really gotten this soft where sitting with relatives and family friends is such turmoil??

Deeec · 04-08-2022 1:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427987#Comment_119427987

Look I suggest you say to your brother now that you will attend the wedding but you cant be groomsman. This will give him enough time to ask a friend to be his groomsman. I think he will understand.

It was a really nice gesture for your brother to have you as groomsman but you dont seem to realise that as a groomsman you do have an important role in the day. There is no point in you being groomsman and being anxious about your wife all day. Please dont hold this against your brother and his wife to be - its normal for a bridesmaid/groomsman to be seated away from their partner - they are not snubbing your wife!

Go to the wedding as a guest with your family and enjoy the day.

Be right back · 04-08-2022 1:36pm

Could she sit with your sister and brother's girlfriend? If not, it's only a couple of hours at the end of the day and I'm sure your son will keep her busy!

Padre_Pio · 04-08-2022 1:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427987#Comment_119427987

You came here looking for people's opinions and you've got them. The majority agree with your brother. It's their special day, he's asked you to be a groomsman and traditionally the WAGs and HABs of groomsmen and bridesmaids sit at a separate table.

What you do now is up to you. If it was me, then I say if you can't avoid it, then you embrace it. Make the best of the situation, introduce your wife to as many people before the event and touch base with her whenever you can.

EDIT: if she's bringing the little man, then there will be other children and other parents. There will be plenty of topics of conversation and pleasantries.

Unhappy Brother · 04-08-2022 1:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427993#Comment_119427993

Thanks for your constructive comment, smart-arse. First, you should learn how to read. As I said earlier, my wife won't be with my relatives at any part of the marriage, ceremony or meal because there is no other family coming. Secondly, it won't be an hour, it will be probably 5 hours in total between ceremony, photos, speeches and meal.

If you have nothing meaningful to say, you should probably stay quiet.

realdanbreen · 04-08-2022 1:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427987#Comment_119427987

So the gist of it is your family don't get on with one another, you're already stressed out that your wife won't be at your side all day, your missus is presumably likewise stressed, the little man will be getting tired bored and cranky as the day goes on and you think someone on boards will solve all this for you. My advice...have about 6 pints before the meal, learn the words of mister brightside ,eat all around you and enjoy..

Faith · 04-08-2022 1:43pm

Wow your responses say an awful lot about you, OP. Although you may have mocked the use of the term, being in the bridal party is having a job for the day. You are expected to get ready with the bride/groom in many cases, to arrive at the ceremony venue early, to be available to guests, to sit up the front, to be available for pictures, meal, speeches, dancing, etc as required. A lot of people find it to be a pain in the ass. Being asked to be a groomsman was an invitation, not a demand. It's clear you can't tolerate what's being asked of you, so either suck it up, bow out now with grace or face an even more damaged relationship with your family due to your attitude.

freshpopcorn · 04-08-2022 1:49pm

Yes OP, the norm for am Irish wedding is the wedding party sits at the top table and some people will make an exception to this.

You asked your brother and now know his plans. Some would accommodate but others wouldn't.

Also remember your brother mightn't be the one pulling the strings here.

Just leave it go. Make up your mind where you want you son to sit and forget it.

Your wife is in fairly average position here. She's sitting next to people she's never met before and probably never met again. At least she can mess with her phone and pop back to the room when she's at a normal table.

Also, don't over think being a Groomsman.

screamer · 04-08-2022 1:51pm

Op the seating arrangement is the usual at weddings. If you want to be by your wife’s side all day then let your brother find another groomsman because you’ll be on duty all day for the ceremony, the meal, the photos and even the first few dances. If you’ve been to weddings you should know this. It’s not a slight to anyone it’s the way it is. Being honest, it’s your brothers one and only wedding day in his life, I’m sure you know yourself the importance of it. To your wife and child it’s a few hours. Your choice on what to do, but whatever you chose put your full effort into it.

Fandymo · 04-08-2022 1:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428044#Comment_119428044

There’s another family coming I presume, relatives of the bride. And if you are going to ask people about their reading comprehension, I’ve never seen a wedding mass that goes on for 5 hours, which is what I mentioned. Will she turn to salt if you can’t reassuringly rub her back every 20 minutes??

Its your brothers/his future wife’s wedding, what they say goes. Don’t like it, pull out, and let him organise an alternative in peace.

Furze99 · 04-08-2022 2:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427896#Comment_119427896

"I think your are being unreasonable. You are a groomsman and you are part of the wedding party and you sit at the top table - thats the way it is - its your job. It would look daft having your wife sitting there too. You are partnered with a bridesmaid for the day so your wife will be on her own for most of the day ( until the first dance is over) - so you need to prepare her for that."

Pah.. the OP doesn't have to put up with all that wedding etiquette rubbish. And that's what it is. He can do his little bit for his brother and then let them at it. 'partnered with a bridesmaid for the day' - for Gods' sake.

Sammy2012 · 04-08-2022 2:05pm

I've been to weddings where I haven't known many and my hubby was a groomsman and all was fine. For my two brother in laws wedding I saw very little of husband. At one of those weddings I made my own way to the church and hotel and was sat at a table where I knew noone as they were work colleagues of the bride. Actually had a great day. Your wife will be fine but if you don't want to fully support your brother you should just decline the offer to be a groomsman and just attend as a guest.

Side note is your son being offered a seat at the top table as he is a paige boy? This would not be unusual either. There are many traditions involved in an Irish wedding that people like to do. I'm sorry to say but your brothers wedding day is not about you and your wife. So either go with it or pull out. It's up to you.

Deeec · 04-08-2022 2:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428220#Comment_119428220

Jaysis - another one thats never being at an Irish wedding it seems 😂🤣😏

Xterminator · 04-08-2022 2:10pm

OP your wife might feel a bit lost if she ha not relationship with your family and your brothers friends at the wedding anyway, especially if she is introverted, and not good at walking up and chatting with strangers! you could introduce her to a few people before the wedding if that is a concern. your son will be there and that is a plus! Your wedding duties mean she will not be your sole focus of attention before during and after the wedding.

I think its perfectly normal for the wedding party to be seated away form their family and friends as the seats a top table are limited! Don't hassle your brother but do have your son sit with his mother for her comfort. After the party starts you can sit with them both.

if you manage her and your own expectations prior to the wedding then you will be able to enjoy the day more. And that should be your focus.

Padre_Pio · 04-08-2022 2:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119428220#Comment_119428220

"Pah.. the OP doesn't have to put up with all that wedding etiquette rubbish"

The OP is not planning the wedding. The bride and groom are. Have you ever been to a wedding and decided to do your own thing, sit wherever you want, order off the menu, get up and leave halfway through the ceremony, do a speech that you haven't been asked to do?

No, you follow the plan, sit where you're told, and don't cause unnecessary hassle for other people.

Caranica · 04-08-2022 2:16pm

I think the thread title is disingenuous. Like others have said, it's par for the course at an Irish wedding that the bridal party sit together at the top table. The thread title hides the bridal party part of the thread and hints at a much bigger deal especially when you bring your wife's ethnicity into the matter, as you do at the very beginning of the thread.

You've two options, stay a groomsman and put up with it or resign and sit with your wife. That could cause all kinds of other seating plan issues for your brother but you'd be with your wife.

04-08-2022 2:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119427834#Comment_119427834

~~The OPs son is a member of the wedding party too. That's why he was originally being seated at the top table~~.

The groom has already agreed the child can be seated with his mother, instead.

Edit: You're right. I don't know why I thought the son was part of the wedding party.

Brother Says I Can't Sit Next To Wife At Wedding

Comments