More than a weekend away!

BBM77 · 10-08-2022 1:23pm #1

Hi all,

Not very experienced in relationships so looking for a bit of advice and other’s thoughts.

Been dating a woman since the start of January. Has been going very well, the connection is always there. Have a lot in common and similar interests. No problems talking to each other either. At this stage have talked about and agreed we are in a relationship.

Problem is last week she said she was going away for the weekend with a friend. Didn’t have a problem with that. She was away already but different profession with a lot of holidays, so understand that. Turned out the weekend was a full-blown holiday! Actually, went on Thursday and is still not back. Don’t want to go into specifics but there was a possibility for me to come down even for one night. Wasn’t even mentioned. It feels so like she planned to say nothing until it was too late for me and could not come.

It hurts me that

a. she would not be open with me about her plans with me

b. I tried to arrange my holidays so she could come with me. Did not work out but I tried. When the shoe was on the other foot… nothing but half truth

It is not like I am overbearing or pushy, have been very easy going and let the relationship develop naturally. Part of me thinks I should just end the relationship now. Another part thinks I should tell her the problem and see how it goes.

Wondering what ye all think.

Thanks in advance.

Dial Hard · 10-08-2022 1:30pm

I think she's entitled to trips away with her friends and it was a bit presumptuous of you to expect to be invited along for a night.

Having said that, it is a bit odd that she lied about how long the trip was for. How - or even if - you approach that is a tricky one. How much time do you ordinarily spend with eachother?

rolling boh · 10-08-2022 1:36pm

Bit of a red flag she didn't say anything about the holiday which may have been planned a good while back I presume it was a mate she went with . In fairness you turning up for part of it wouldn't have been fair on the pal assuming it was a girlie break .You may be more invested in her than she is with you .

PalLimerick · 10-08-2022 1:42pm

End it, honestly she's not in to you as much as you are her.

You will find the one. It sounds like you'll play second fiddle with this "one". End it before she does and move on.

BBM77 · 10-08-2022 1:45pm

Don’t have an issue with her going on trips away. Even a lot and without me. Would not even normally be expected to be asked.

Usually see each other a couple of times a week.

But yes, same as you, just find it odd she was not open about her plans. Genuinely, have not made an issue any of her trips before.

Dial Hard · 10-08-2022 1:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119453837#Comment_119453837

I don't know where you pulled that from, but both of your posts are nonsense, and dangerous nonsense at that.

Entitlement isn't the dirty word you seem to think it is. Both parties in any relationship are entitled to time alone, time to spend with their families, with their friends, enjoying hobbies - a multitude of things. Suggesting that doing so is wanting to be "part-time single" is unhealthy bordering on controlling. They're a couple, not conjoined twins.

Well-rounded people have and keep interests that are separate to their relationships. Nobody can or should (or want to) be their partner's sole outlet. That way lies madness.

A partner should be complementary, not supplementary.

rolling boh · 10-08-2022 2:01pm

I think she wasn't upfront about the holiday with someone she is supposed to be in a relationship with that to me would be an issue .

Jequ0n · 10-08-2022 2:16pm

“It is not like I am overbearing or pushy, have been very easy going and let the relationship develop naturally. Part of me thinks I should just end the relationship now.”

Overreaction if I have ever seen one. Sorry but it wouldn’t even occur to me to expect to be invited along if my girlfriend went on a break with a friend. By all means ask her why she misrepresented the break as a long weekend but judging by your reaction I can see why she didn’t want to mention this holiday in advance…

BBM77 · 10-08-2022 2:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119454080#Comment_119454080

Bit unfair, don't think you really read my post properly TBH.

hynesie08 · 10-08-2022 3:35pm

Op, Break up with her, you're clearly not mature enough to handle an adult relationship.

Well rounded people first and foremost maintain and prioritize there relationship they respect it first before and hobbies or interest.

Seeing friends is a hobby? Well rounded people know that having a life outside of the relationship is part of the relationship.

dubh laoch · 10-08-2022 3:45pm

Hi OP,

I can't believe you'd consider ending what sounds like a relationship you're enjoying over this! Imagine how out of the blue that would be for your girlfriend. You've never expressed to her that this kind of thing annoys you! Have a chat with her when she gets back so that you can both outline your expectations of when either one of you decides to go on holidays with friends. I am reading between the lines here but I assume she is working in education if she gets long holidays as you've mentioned. Would you not be happy for her that she gets to enjoy herself and relax? I don't want to pass a judgement on you because I don't know your situation but maybe you should pursue some interests or friendships of your own outside your relationship so you don't feel at such a loose end when she's gone away. Best of luck. I think you know in your heart of hearts how ridiculous ending things over such a small thing like this would be!

BBM77 · 10-08-2022 4:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119454616#Comment_119454616

Hi, Great post, thanks very much 😊

10-08-2022 4:01pm

So your girlfriend went away with a friend?

Why on earth would you even want to be invited be a third wheel?

I could understand if she snuck away and you saw her canoodling with another fella, but you just seem annoyed that she went away with a friend and she didn't send you on a minute-by-minute itinerary...

Ash.J.Williams · 10-08-2022 4:05pm

jan was 7 months ago , and you never asked her out you just both agreed you were probably in a relationship

doesnt sound like there’s a spark there

sprucemoose · 10-08-2022 4:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119454080#Comment_119454080

this is the correct answer

10-08-2022 5:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119454794#Comment_119454794

Oddly enough, I'd say you're the one basing your relationship experience on TV/internet.

BBM77 · 10-08-2022 5:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119454720#Comment_119454720

There's one on every board 😁

screamer · 10-08-2022 6:16pm

Dunno OP, there are many things I could say but for sure whatever behaviour they exhibit now will not change in future. The real question is, can you accept that or not. It’s your life and you know your own boundaries so you need to decide these things for yourself.

10-08-2022 6:33pm

For whatever reason, she chose not to tell you exactly when she'd be back. A bit odd, but I wouldn't be breaking up with someone over that. And I wouldn't be looking for an explanation either. Send a text at the weekend and ask her how she got on.

Pissy Missy · 10-08-2022 7:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058258254/more-than-a-weekend-away

Hi OP, seems like there was miscommunication somewhere, seeing as it is early days now that you've just agreed you're both in a relationship, there's plenty of time in the future to go away on holidays together. Have a chat when she's back and just say how you thought it was a weekend, not a weeks holidays. Sounds like it was a girls holiday so probably nothing meant personal with her not inviting you.

BBM77 · 11-08-2022 10:34am

Thank you all for the thoughts. Ending it would probably be a bit extreme alright. Think I need to say I thought it was a weekend is all and discuss. That is all that bothered me really. This she's entitled to trips away thing misses the point in my opinion. Of course is she's entitled to trips away, never said she was not. However, she would have the same reaction if I said I was going away for a weekend and ended up being away for a whole week. When in a relationship you are entitled to feel the other person is being open with you. That is the foundation of trust in a relationship. Don’t think I am being unreasonable wanting trust in our relationship.

TheadoreT · 11-08-2022 1:50pm

I guess it's hard understand what's going on without more context.

It's not that clear in your post, but you only entered into the relationship recently after 6 months of unexclusive dating? Who initiated this? Did either of you want it sooner? Does she introduce you to her friends/family? Is sex regular?

My hunch is she's not that into you as you are her, but could be wrong. Whenever I hear the "everything was great up to now" line its usually not true under scrutiny. Your tone is of someone who's had doubts about her intentions for a while. If not and this is completely isolated its pretty unhealthy to spiral like this when she's off having fun with her mates on her holidays.

skallywag · 12-08-2022 11:50am

So if I understand correctly, she told you that she was going away for a weekend, which then turned out to mean leaving on Thursday, and still not back the following Wednesday?

I would have a serious issue with that. If I behaved the same to a partner of my own I would also expect them to have a serious problem with it.

It's not normal behaviour, there is something definitely amiss her OP.

DoctorEdgeWild · 12-08-2022 12:01pm

What difference does it make to you how many days she went away for? Unless you had childcare/animal car arrangements. Surely it makes zero difference to your plans? Her physical location shouldn't really be a problem?

Unless I'm misunderstanding something? Did you have to cancel your plans or anything like that? Because that would be a different case in my opinion.

Hotblack Desiato · 12-08-2022 12:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119462930#Comment_119462930

If she wants to behave like a single person she should be a single person.

DoctorEdgeWild · 12-08-2022 12:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119463046#Comment_119463046

Or, she could behave like a normal person and enjoy herself while being in a relationship.

Did her actions in any way affect her partner? In any way?

BBM77 · 12-08-2022 12:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119463059#Comment_119463059

Her actions did affect me. I thought I was going out with someone up to now was very open with me. We have past a number of big milestones in a relationship at this stage. Then this. It is not the going away, length of it or how often she goes away. It is the lack of openness that is an issue.

DoctorEdgeWild · 12-08-2022 12:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119463132#Comment_119463132

So the difference of a few days has upset you? Her saying '3 nights' when it turned out to be '5 nights'? I can't really see where you are coming from with that, although I respect that you are upset by this and don't wish to push things and make it any worse for you. I wish you the best and hope you can come together and solve the issue, which I am sure you will be able to do with an honest chat.

BBM77 · 12-08-2022 1:21pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119462874#Comment_119462874

Yeah, that is it. If I did it you can be sure it would be mentioned.

rolling boh · 12-08-2022 1:35pm

Think myself you would do what she has if you really weren't overly serious about your relationship.

Caranica · 12-08-2022 3:33pm

Was it a deliberate week or an extended stay? I've often extended a planned stay somewhere when it's been really good fun/relaxing/whatever

BBM77 · 12-08-2022 4:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464285#Comment_119464285

Yeah, could be. To look at it in a positive light. Maybe when she said weekend away to me that was the plan.

skallywag · 12-08-2022 4:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119463059#Comment_119463059

I am not quite sure what type of relationships you have been in but my own experiences tend to be very different.

Thinking quickly back to the last few people I have dated, if I had told any of them that I was heading away for a weekend while I was really away for a week the it was most definitely going to land me in hot water. Fair enough if you ended up staying on a few more days, that can happen, but I would have the courtesy of letting my other half know what was going on. It's just ordinary decent courtesy in my book.

DoctorEdgeWild · 12-08-2022 5:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464487#Comment_119464487

I agree that every relationship will be different but unless you specifically have plans together, what does it matter their physical location? If I'm chatting to my GF/BF and he/she's in work, at their house, or at their friend's house, it really doesn't make a difference?

Obviously if she was outright lying saying she was in bed when at a club, there'd be an obvious problem!

Could it be something as simple as a mis communication in this case? 'I'm going away for the weekend' is easier than saying I'm going away for 4 nights and 5 days. Might have happened here.

dontmindme · 12-08-2022 6:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464912#Comment_119464912

Jesus wept...it's not hard to decipher...the OP is hurt there was no communication as to her extended stay. Does she give a fk about him or what? OP you need to now communicate with her your expectations and your feelings on the matter and only you can judge if the expectations are reasonable given the context of your relationship.

skallywag · 12-08-2022 6:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464285#Comment_119464285

Totally agree there, and have done the same myself.

If there was someone though that you looked on an a boyfriend/girlfriend you would probably drop them a line at least saying so though, no?

Caranica · 12-08-2022 9:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119465048#Comment_119465048

Depends on whether plans had been made or not. Then again I'm someone who doesn't do clingy closeness, I'd be quite independent even in a relationship.

Still stihl waters 3 · 12-08-2022 9:59pm

You said you haven't much experience of relationships, well use this as experience, work away with her until it either develops into a serious thing or it fizzles out, either way use it as a stepping stone to whatever comes next, if it develops into something solid you'll be wishing she'd go away more to give you a few days break yourself lol

BBM77 · 12-08-2022 10:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119465808#Comment_119465808

😆 Thanks, great post.

Yoshimi79 · 13-08-2022 2:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119464912#Comment_119464912

I don't think the OP cares too much about her physical location as you keep mentioning, it's more about a little thing called trust

DoctorEdgeWild · 13-08-2022 5:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119467799#Comment_119467799

Sounds like I'm in the minority then, I don't see the problem at all. I would find it quite controlling if a partner wanted to know all of my plans, unless living together etc, but if it's a problem for the OP, then that's all that matters as they are the one it has affected.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-08-2022 7:09pm

I wonder about people who don't seem to see this as a problem in a relationship. The problem isn't that she went away with a friend. The problem is she told him she was going for a weekend and still wasn't home by Wednesday. The problem is courtesy and communication in a relationship.

It's not about control, it's about simple communication. If it was a weekend that got extended why not just say that. You're together 8 months. That is a significant length of time for a relationship. I don't understand the mindset of only when you live together should a partner have to communicate with you about their plans. And I don't think this is a case of wanting to know all of her plans, either. Just "the plan". It's basic communication. She probably told her mother, colleagues, friends, neighbour in passing that she was away for longer than a weekend. Why not mention it in passing to you, her boyfriend?

It might have been something unplanned, spur of the moment, unable to contact you regarding it for a chat. Not looking for permission or whatever, but simply to mention it.

I hope it's just that. All you can do is see how she is when you see her again.

skallywag · 14-08-2022 11:02am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119468447#Comment_119468447

So you would find it controlling if your partner was upset when you told them that you are going away for a weekend, you then stay a week, and make no effort whatsoever to communicate anything to them?

No offence intended here, but have you ever been in a real relationship with someone?

14-08-2022 11:20am

As someone suggested above I imagine it could have been an extended break. She may be more of a spontaneous type than you are, OP. You are probably more of a planner. That can lead to misunderstandings of intent; so I wouldn’t end it now at all, that would be a very bad move.

But it’s getting to you, so maybe you need to ask a question or make a comment in a good humoured manner as to how you didn’t realise it was more than a weekend trip. The trick is not to sound very cynical!

DoctorEdgeWild · 14-08-2022 11:22am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119471031#Comment_119471031

Bit of a low blow to try and bring my personal life into things don't you think? If you want to argue a point, let your argument be strong enough without resorting to that, especially given the nature of the forum we are in which requires a little more tact than others.

But to answer your question, unless it affected plans we had, child care etc, then it would be no bother to me at all. That would change if someone lied directly about it after the fact.

Tork · 14-08-2022 12:41pm

OP, if I was in your shoes I'd be bothered by this too. It looks like she wasn't truthful about how long she planned to go on this holiday for. Was it always going to be a full-blown holiday or did it just evolve into one? If it's the former, and she wasn't truthful about her plans, then you've got every reason to doubt your relationship and where you stand. If it's the latter, then maybe it's down to how good she is at communicating. Of course it also could mean that she isn't all that invested in the relationship and you're back to square one.

You also mentioned in your first post that when you tried to arrange a holiday with her, it didn't happen. Your comment "When the shoe was on the other foot… nothing but half truth" says a lot. You're obviously not convinced by her reasons for not going on holidays with you. I'd be asking questions too. I'm a big believer in looking at a person's actions and this isn't looking good. You'd think that a woman in a newish relationship would love some away time with her boyfriend and would make the effort to organise something. It looks like she fobbed you off on that front.

If you haven't spoken to her yet, all I can advise is for you to talk to her. Put forward your side of the argument as dispassionately as you can and don't say too much. Watch her reaction - keep an eye on her body language as well as her words - and take it from there.

skallywag · 14-08-2022 2:53pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119471107#Comment_119471107

It is by no means any class of low blow and my apologies if I am lacking in tact. It was a completely genuine question, who am I to know whether you have been in a real relationship or not?

I certainly do not accept your argument that the control card can be casually dealt from the bottom of the pack in an attempt to mask downright disrespect.

DoctorEdgeWild · 14-08-2022 3:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119471932#Comment_119471932

We'll have to disagree on how we interpret the OP's post in that case. Where I see a possible miscommunication, other people see a possible reason to end a relationship. The OP invited opinion, I gave mine politely. Hopefully it helps them open up a line of communication with their partner.

skallywag · 14-08-2022 5:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119472056#Comment_119472056

I think it is very unfair on him that you are tarring him with the controlling brush.

DoctorEdgeWild · 14-08-2022 5:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119472342#Comment_119472342

Let me be very clear then, I don't know the OP in any way, nor do I know his relationship or partner. From his posts in here, he seems very nice and not controlling.

However, I believe that considering ending a relationship based on a partner not telling you all of their plans involving their holiday could be controlling.

Count Dracula · 14-08-2022 5:21pm

If she is not being upfront with you about how she spends her spare holiday time I would be worried. The fact that she did not include you in her holiday plans is also not good.

At this point of your relationship she should be fairly keen on getting you both away together to see how you get on? If she was into you for real she would be trying to make it happen?

I would not be getting too heavy on any long term notions here, it appears that she isn't either.

Relationships are rarely 50/50. It is not uncommon for one partner to tag along whilst waiting for a better option. Sad but true.

Most importantly, never blame yourself over this. Nothing you can do to change the motivations of another, just keep yourself prepared to deal with partners who will be inevitably less sincere with you over the long term.

Good luck.

More than a weekend away!

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