I have a gambling problem

becksy79 · 13-08-2022 7:02pm #1

I have a gambling problem-my first time saying those words.

I might ramble on but I need to get it off my chest before I discuss this with a 'real' person.

I'm a married mum in her 40s, own home without mortgage, never had much money as such, living week by week with a few grand in the bank for emergencies etc, a couple of years ago I stared playing online bingo, 10c cards, at about €10 a week, within a few month's it was €10 a day, I then discovered online slots and was doing over a hundred a week, then a hundred a day, I was using credit cards and taking out loans purely to gamble, as it stands now I have zero in the bank, about 20k in cc/loans, I literally cannot afford the day to day bills nevermind the debts I've racked up.

I'm not an open person so struggle telling people my problems, so I don't a group setting like GA is for me, I have read the twelve steps etc, I'm not religious and cannot relate to 'a higher power' - what can that be if you don't have a faith?

I having been looking at myself alot recently and realise I have a very addictive personality, drink, smoke, gamble,so I have a few things to deal with, I hope my addictive nature will help with that in a positive way, the cigarettes most go at the same time as the gambling, that will be a small help to the finances too.

I do like the motto of 'just one day' because I think looking to solve problems long term is too harsh, so for just one day I am gamble free, maybe tomorrow I can say the same!

I've put off the conversation with my husband for so long as it's not the right time...... Yep it never will be so by the time this weekend is over I will open that can of worms, he's totally oblivious, I just hope he can forgive me.

callaway92 · 13-08-2022 7:06pm

Just want to wish you luck

The assumption for many is it’s young lads getting caught up. Women in your situation are so hidden and it’s the ‘embarrassment’ of coming out about it is what’s rough

If your husband loves you like you’d assume he does, he’d support you. Would want to be horrible to flip out at you

Big Bag of Chips · 13-08-2022 7:19pm

My friend found out about her husband's gambling when he came clean to her. But he had already stopped/made the decision to stop. She hadn't a clue.

The went to MABS and she said they were a life saver for her. Your husband will be OK. It'll be a shock but maybe he notices more than you think. You'll be OK. You know you need to stop. GA mightn't be a bad start. You don't have to speak. You don't have to believe in "a higher power". But you will hear stories similar to yours. You will hear people's recovery stories, and you will get support. You will realise you're not alone.

It certainly won't do any harm. And you don't ever have to speak.

13-08-2022 7:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058258693/i-have-a-gambling-problem

Oh Jesus........ I got so much to say but, like you, I'm not much of a one for 'sharing'.

WELL DONE FOR FACING THE DRAGON..... it IS NOT Easy to come out & admit it!!!!!!!! At least you've faced the problem ( & gambling addiction is HUGE) & you didn't gamble 'the house & car' away. GA is definitely NOT everyone's 'cup of tea'.......i used to come out of meetings dying to go into paddy power or boylesports....... but you NEED SOME SUPPORT. This idea of giving up the smokes simultaneously wouldn't be my reccomendation for now anyways & ( this may seem hard) this idea that I have an 'addictive personality' is kinda an easy "out".....just cause grandad & dad smoked like troopers doesn't automatically mean you're obliged to 'light up' ( but I digress).

Talking to husband....... you just gotta sit down face to face & lay ALL THE CARDS on the table ( probably the wrong phrase there)..... lay it all out in open.....when/how it started/ how it escalated ........ how committed you are to your " new" reality / personae......... give him plenty of time to absorb/ digest.

I really wish you all the best.......gambling addiction is horrific ( as all addictions are). But you CAN TURN IT AROUND.

As an 'aside' I'll be 30months since a bet in September....... was it easy?????? Christ NO, it was desperately hard....awful......it can still make me phically sick when I think how much I "blew" when I was hard-core gambling. Really hope it goes well for you.

homingbird · 13-08-2022 7:53pm

I just want to say you have nothing to blame youself about its those feckers with there adds on every 5 minutes with everthing free free free for new mugs to reel them in i am afraid to gamble with how easy it is to get pulled into it look at paul merson lost millions .

SuperBowserWorld · 13-08-2022 7:54pm

Brave start OP. Hope you get your problem under control. You've laid it all bare above. Fair play to you.

Please don't feel so awful. And please don't beat yourself up anymore. There are so many traps out there to capture people in vicious circles of addiction. The government/culture supports/turns a blind eye to alcohol, gambling ... and just greases that slippery slope.

So, try to get lots of sleep, drink lots of water, get lots of fresh air, get out of the house.

And slowly sort out this problem with the help of your family.

Be kind to yourself.

mct1 · 13-08-2022 8:01pm

Great advice above. I understand that GA isn't for you - I'd be the same. I think a gambler addiction forum like Gamcare https://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/ could be just what you need. You'll be anonymous but you'd get great support from those who are further on in the healing process as well as those at the same stage as yourself - as often and for as long as you need it. Hopefully your husband will support you on your journey but non addicts can never quite understand whereas other gambling addicts will. Good luck.

shalom · 13-08-2022 8:09pm

Gambling like any addiction can take over a person completely. It can be put before everything else in our lives. Sometimes to stop we need to go outside of ourselves to be able to contain it. It can be very difficult to hold these burdens by ourselves. Sometimes when I use groups of any type it can be for us all to hold what I am carrying and for me to help hold what others are carrying. Nobody as such is carrying the burden anymore by themselves.

becksy79 · 13-08-2022 8:28pm

Thank you all for your comments, it means a lot, I don't feel like I deserve your nice comments!

❤️

becksy79 · 13-08-2022 11:49pm

A few hours in and I'm still bottling telling him, not sure I can do this.

893bet · 14-08-2022 12:00am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119470175#Comment_119470175

Do it. Get the help you need now.

20k debt is hopefully something ye can over come together.

ignore it and it might end up being a 50k debt in 2 years time and a harder road back.

Best of luck.

Jaymacc · 14-08-2022 12:11am

Well done sharing your thoughts here. I think your husband will be a good support to you and you need support to get the help you require to fight the addiction which I have no doubt you will, one day at a time. Mabs will be able to advise on the debt but you need to deal with the addiction and what drew you to this. With the right support, you will do well and all will be well. Wishing you the very best. Take care.

14-08-2022 12:37am

Do you play these games on your phone? Could getting a non smartphone device help you to avoid it?

becksy79 · 14-08-2022 12:52am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119470327#Comment_119470327

Yes I use a smart phone, on my personal phone and laptop I use blockers,I was getting on top of it, or so I thought, until I found an old phone and of course it was freedom, I logged in to old accounts and the sh1,t hit the fan again. I've got rid of any other devices that I could have accessed.

becksy79 · 14-08-2022 2:05am

I've done it, I had the brutal and honest conversation with the husband, there's tears around, yes Hes shocked but supporttive, but I'd rather he isn't the plot and was angry, I need someone to be angry right now

Pissy Missy · 14-08-2022 2:27am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119470472#Comment_119470472

Well done and I'm glad he's showing you support and understanding. It's sounds like you're feeling angry/frustrated with yourself. Allow yourself to feel how you're feeling but at the same time, try show kindness and compassion to yourself, just like you would if a friend came to you with this situation. This challenge will make you a much more empathic and resilient person because of it and knowing you have your husbands support will hopefully make it less daunting. Best of luck 🍀🍀🍀

nuckeythompson · 14-08-2022 8:30am

First and foremost add a permanent exclusion on your online betting accounts. So for example Paddy Power contact customer service and explain the above and ask for a permanent exclusion. Do this for any online account you have

Big Bag of Chips · 14-08-2022 10:13am

He might still get angry! The row might come. Right now he's realising you've admitted something huge, and he knows the priority is helping you now. Not shouting at you.

But as time passes and as you both try to unpick this, and perhaps you slip a few times, the rows might come then.

You will get through though. You have taken a huge step and started the process. Good luck to you. The board is always here too for further advice and support. Use it until you can set yourself up with real life support.

Count Dracula · 14-08-2022 6:11pm

Whilst you have the mind to.... contact the online gaming sites you are using and request a ban, they are required to ban you by law on your own permission.

Do that now.

The gambling frenzy you are experiencing is completely compulsive. You need to help yourself as much as possible at this point before you lose more money.

Listen to me, you will get through this. Your life is not over, you have blown a little money down the swanny , that is all. fooook the money. What is important at this point is that you don't lose anymore and get some help asap.

Get some proper counselling and good luck.

becksy79 · 14-08-2022 6:28pm

Hi, I've excluded from all sites and installed gambling blockers on my devices

becksy79 · 15-08-2022 12:51am

Ok, day 2, we're working on a long term plan to rectify the finances, my husband has opened up a bit more about how he feels, obviously annoyed, and angry, but more so at how long and how bad I've let things go.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-08-2022 1:27pm

It will start sinking in with him as you both realise just how bad it had gotten. But at least now it's out there, and you can both deal with it together. He will most likely have to take full control of your finances for the moment.

I have 2 friends married to gamblers and they both had to take full responsibility for finances and give their husbands "an allowance" to spend. Neither felt particularly good about doing it, but all involved realised it was the only way forward.

I hope you're doing ok. And I hope your husband is doing ok. Fair play to you for admitting it. It's a major step.

becksy79 · 15-08-2022 5:10pm

Thanks big bag of chips, that id exactly what we have done, I get X amount for food shopping etc and nothing has extra, and thank you for checking in on us, we're both doing ok x

15-08-2022 6:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119477015#Comment_119477015

WELL DONE YOUNG LADY!!!!!

Just a couple of quick pointers ........ I trust & know & believe you HAVE come clean 100% to husband / good on you......but that aside ......make sure you have FACED YOURSELF.......early days/weeks are a nightmare...... make sure you can look right into mirror a honestly say ' I haven't had a punt today'. Regardless of your personal 'vice' ( I recall you said slots - for me it was league rugby- but that doesn't matter.....the 'weapon of choice' is irrelevant....it was an addiction plain & simple!) From today you HAVE TO AVOID/SHUN all the 'weapons' ....... not even a scratch card nor a lottery ticket....NOTHING. I ain't going to sugar-coat this.....you've lost a BIG part of yourself ( a v negative part).... but, nonetheless, a BIG part......find something pleasurable to fill that 'void' .....be it cake decorating/ dancing...walking the dog..... anything positive/ pleasureable. The good news is it does get easier/ better down the line....like I said before I'll be 2 and half years 'clean' on the 8th September....... I'll be raising a glass to Ken that day🤣. Think about this ...... tonight I'll be watching the Liverpool game.....& I've NO IDEA what the 'odds' are.......now, that probably doesn't seem that big a deal but to me it's massive. As regards the finances.... you got this right...... right now you need the eye over your shoulder...... I'm not embarressed to say this.....Mrs Mc Carthy still trawls through my account every week or two

becksy79 · 16-08-2022 12:21pm

I would like to say I'm blown away by the support and advice I've received on here - thank you everyone, it really means a lot.

Day 4 done, the tears have stopped, for now, I'm sure they return at some point, every time I look at my husband I feel a terrible guilt-as much as I hate the feeling maybe I need it-a reality check as such.

Every day I've taken a moment to literally look in the mirror morning and nightly, In the morning I will tell myself for just one day I will not gamble, I like that goal, doesn't seem quite so much pressure,one day at a time, and before bed again take a few moments and reflect on the day asking myself did I honestly not gamble-in an form, so far for the last few days the answers is a yes.

I have an assessment call today with mabs and hopefully they can provide some information on how best to deal with the finances, I've told my husband that I will sell my car, it's probably around 20k, downgrade to an older vehicle and I can use what's left to ditch some of the credit cards, that will make a big difference in the short term, although he doesn't seem to think it's a great idea but appreciates that I'm looking into any options to receive the finances,so I will look into that with a local car dealer over the coming days too.

becksy79 · 18-08-2022 7:35pm

Day 7, still no gambling and so far no urge to!

Mabs were very helpful, they are sending a budgeting pack too me, for 5 weeks i'll keep a daily diary of every cent spent, what bills are due on which day and if they can be paid on time etc, they'll analyse it at the end and set me a budget, what funds are available for living expenses and what's for bills/debts, if necessary they will contact any banks/loans/credit cards etc with a proposed payment plan.

I joined a gambler support forum to, it's been very helpful.

Pissy Missy · 18-08-2022 7:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119490827#Comment_119490827

Glad to hear it, good on you 💪

dontmindme · 18-08-2022 7:50pm

Congratulations on admitting you have a problem. That's the first step. Don't exclude yourself from GA. Gambling is a very private and lonely addiction. GA meetings are full of people who have been to the same places and have felt exactly what you are feeling now. Go to 10 meetings and then decide if they are not for you.

Bipass · 21-08-2022 11:41am

Well done for saying the words OP. Definitely consider GA, or else you'll be taking a gamble on your success. Make it a sure thing.

Hannibal_Smith · 25-08-2022 8:57pm

Mod Note

@Ken Mc Carthy I've deleted your post. As per the Charter, please do not ask for updates. It puts a possible pressure on an OP to return to the thread and the thread changes from an advice thread to a discussion/blog likely meaning it will be closed.

Thanks

HS

FortuneChip · 28-08-2022 1:51pm

Hey OP,

Well done on taking the steps you have. I've recently gone through something similar and can relate to a lot of what you're feeling.

It can't be solved until it's all out in the open, and you've done that now, so be proud.

Your updates (day 2, day 3, day 7 etc) it's important to take stock of these things. You can't be a year gambling free without going a day. If you've read the red book, you'll see the "just for today's", they're a great reminder that this is process, and help put your day into perspective.

Support or some form of counselling is definitely recommended, GA isn't for everyone, but there are other options (paid and free) to avail of.

I've gone through a lot of different forms of "care", because at different times I feel I benefit from different approaches.

GamFam UK offer zoom calls, and initially skeptical, I've actually found them a great help. Zoom calls can be even easier, because you can set yourself up as comfortable at home.

Helplink.ie can set you up with 6 free sessions with a counseller.

Problem Gambling.ie will provide tonnes of info, a good podcast, and can arrange counselling 121 as well.

And keep at it, it's not easy, but recovery is so very rewarding.

Ninja edit for

I have a gambling problem

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