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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5042
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.



  • #5043
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,199 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I never really wanted a beard. But it kinda grew on me.



  • #5044
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,199 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!



  • #5045
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,731 ✭✭✭Worztron


    I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. ~ Mitch Hedberg

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5046
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Made the mistake of asking Lulu what the hole in the ground was where they got water from……..


     


    That’s 30 minutes of My Life I will never get back……



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  • #5047
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I started a dating website for chickens.

    It’s not my regular day job… I just do it to help make hens meet.



  • #5048
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Top Fringe jokes


    1. "I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta" - Masai Graham


    2. "Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery" - Mark Simmons


    3. "My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock" - Olaf Falafel


    4. "By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family" - Hannah Fairweather


    5. "I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person" - Will Mars


    6. "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back" - Olaf Falafel


    7. "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx" - Richard Pulsford


    8. "I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery" - Tim Vine


    9. "Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate" - Sophie Duker


    10. "I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days" - Will Duggan

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5049
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119505036#Comment_119505036

    The judges at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival have announced the top 10 funniest jokes.

    Sadly the Christmas cracker factory in Guizhou, China has beaten them hands down for the 69th year in a row.



  • #5050
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The phone just rang, but when I answered it all I could hear was somebody sneezing.

    Must have been a cold caller

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5051
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    This guy keeps ringing me asking for Prince Charming. I've told him there's no one here by that name but he's adamant.



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  • #5052
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I was shagging my wife when I noticed my window cleaner was watching us through the window.


     


     


    "Get the **** out of my garden" he shouted



  • #5053
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I had a pet newt once.

    I called him Tiny because he was my newt.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5054
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I accidentally took my cat's medication this morning.


    Don't ask meow!



  • #5055
    blade1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,426 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119530600#Comment_119530600

    How ya feline now?



  • #5056
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,199 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119530629#Comment_119530629

    Cat melodeon



  • #5057
    blade1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,426 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119530661#Comment_119530661

    Hopefully it's not cat ching.



  • #5058
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,457 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/cassidoo/status/1564466939342331904


    Apologies for the 10-line joke.



  • #5059
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm trying to organise a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5060
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.


    Not a great gift I know, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it...



  • #5061
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I once sold a jumper to Derek Acorah.


    For those of you who don't know, he's a medium



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  • #5062
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday



  • #5063
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,785 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119553220#Comment_119553220

    He's an EX,L now



  • #5064
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,800 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    My partner said she was suffering from a bit of a cold - her nose was running. I said that is more exercise than you have had all week.



  • #5065
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,731 ✭✭✭Worztron


    How Long is a Chinese Name. No, really, it is.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5066
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Who is the coolest person in the hospital ? The ultrasound guy.

    And when he's not there ? The hip replacement dude.



  • #5067
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,457 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/martinpschranz/status/1568164497323352065


    ...



  • #5068
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants... Feefiphobia.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5069
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm starting an all-marsupial fighting championship called Mortal Wombat.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5070
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My tinder date and I decided to meet at a gym for our first date, but she never showed.

    That’s when I knew things weren’t going to workout

    :-(

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5071
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    London’s newest sperm bank had an unsuccessful opening day, they only had two appointments booked.

    One guy came on the bus and the other one missed the tube.

    :-(

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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