Messy Sister in Law

Had a sister who was morbidly obese. My mother was tired saying it to her over the years.

We got a call from her son one morning that he found her dead in bed after a heart attack.

Have you tried talking to her husband. Maybe he's just given up at this stage.

Have you asked her how she is, as in, really sat down and had a heart to heart with her about how she's feeling, her energy levels, her motivation? Do you think you could do that and maybe steer the conversation round to offering to help her get organised,?Does her husband live with her? If so, why are you putting all the blame for the state of her house onto her? I'd keep your opinions about her weight to yourself. If you really want to help, be prepared to pull your sleeves up and offer something practical. Finger wagging and admonishment achieve nothing except to put you in a high horse. She could be completely overwhelmed, she could have an underlying mental health issue, she may have some form if substance abuse going on. Maybe none of those things. Talk to her, be open, be kind try not to be judgemental. Maybe a chat with social services if you are concerned about the welfare of the kids?

"He parents have tried to raise these issues with her but it hasnt gone down well as you can imagine. They are disgusted and embarrassed by her."

Of course it hasn't gone down well. If she was motivated or able to bring herself to do it then she would have. Being disgusted and embarrassed by her says more about them than it does about her. She sounds very depressed.

It's great that you are willing to offer a week of your time to try to get things back on track at home, hopefully she will be open to that idea.

If the house is so bad the kids can't bring friends round then, if all else fails, tusla is the way to go. Not in the sense that she's a bad mother and you're reporting her, but in the sense that she and her partner are overwhelmed, she's possibly struggling with her mental health and needs some support. Might be the motivation she needs to go and see a GP. Only as a last resort. You sound like a very caring person and I apologise for my initial, harsh reply to you.

I did say as a LAST RESORT. Simply put, the kids cannot be left to live like that, whatever the reason for it. . I grew up in a house like that and it's no fun, believe me. Tusla aren't going to go in all guns blazing and take the kids away. Nothing like that will happen. It's about support, not blame and shame.

Tusla don't have the resources for things like that. There was a report the other day about with one child waiting for 11 months for an initial assessment after child sexual abuse. Even when kids or families get an initial assessment they can be waiting a LONG time for support or help, that's if they ever get any at all. I know a couple of families who had to rely on charities for support with therapists etc for their kids because Tusla didn't have any to offer, and they were for far more serious things. This family would be at the very bottom of the list I would imagine, and no doubt it would cause issues between the family so they would probably end up in a far worse position with even less chance of getting out of the hole that they're in.

Perhaps I've read it wrong but I assumed when you said SIL, it was your husband's sister, but a couple of posters have said her husband is your husband's brother so if that is the case would your husband not be helping out also with his/ their mother? Apologies if I've read this wrong.

I suspect the sister in law is extremely lonely.

Husband gone from early morning to late, I'd imagine the days all start to roll into one.

Then the "what's the point" type thinking begins to start "yeah I could tidy up, but it will be as bad in an hour, yeah I could make a meal from scratch but no one will eat it."

It's an awful feeling when you are aware that your house is messy and someone visits and the look of disapproval is written all over their face.

It's obvious that everyone in the family has decided to write them off as fat and lazy instead of trying to do something productive.

Did the grandparents on noticing things were going down hill say "let's take the kids for a day/weekend/ week" give them some personal time. I suspect not, it's easier to judge from an ivory tower than to actually help. I bet your sil never gets to meet friends for coffee etc or if she does all the kids are tagging along so she never gets a break.

It's very hard to keep motivated when you know next week/next month is going to look exactly the same and there's nothing to look forward to.

I think before you suggest you clean up and for her to lose weight you I suggest you become friends first.

Invite her out kid free for tea and cake or an evening meal. Find out what her hobbies are and what she likes to do. Then you could offer to take the kids for an afternoon. All these things won't offend and won't get you in the bad books. She might offer some insights or options on how you could help. Going in and cleaning may not be what she really needs initially. Find out what she needs and get it for her. Even a date night with husband once a month might solve 90% of the issues without getting hands dirty. Putting one or all kids into summer camp or Easter camp or whatever could make the difference or having an extended Christmas at relations.

I would avoid conflict particularly if you are not yet on friend terms.

Best if luck op.

@rosietee

Can I be honest, this sounds a little like my house. I have a hidden physical disability. To most people, including family members, I look and act like a healthy and capable young person. The reality is that I cannot cope with some things, and I don't even have children to worry about (although I do work). My house isn't a health hazard, but it's certainly rarely to visitor receiving standard, and many of the things above apply to me. I could write out a full post explaining it but I'm not going to waste people's time. What it boils down to is that majority of people don't realise (or believe) it, but I have super limited energy supplies (and big consequences if I ignore it) and what can be done has to be prioritised. Housework is like painting the golden gate bridge. Even if I quit my job, never socialised, never exercised, took zero care of myself and only focused on housework, I'd still never be fully on top of it.

I am not, but many people with my type of illness end up overweight because it's difficult to exercise or cook well when some days even just standing up is an achievement. Yeah, with all the extra "things" lying around, it seems more mental than physical but I can still strongly empathise. Someone coming in to criticise or tell me what to do, or even randomly offering to help clean the house would leave me humiliated and shut down.

It doesn't take a much perception to tell the difference between someone offering help to be kind, and someone offering help for their own benefit or out of disgust.

Having an open and honest conversation with her about her health is usually the first step, but it needs to be done tactfully and without condescension or taking away whatever self worth she still has. Expressing genuine concern about her coping with everything now her husband is away so much and sincerely asking if there's anything you can do to help as a human being, is a far cry away from asking her if she wants help because she's embarrassing you and you're fed up like her parents. If you feel you can't talk to her about it, or that she won't open up, there's a few things you can try.

If you approached your SIL from the perspective that you had a day spare and got a cleaning buzz and wondered if she wanted any help around the house, she will probably be more open to it. It's not coming across that you're being burdened with helping her, it's not coming across that you're looking down at her or are fed up with her (like your posts do), it's both of you on equal footing. Or that you're collecting for a charity shop run, and wondered had she anything to donate and since you're the one asking, you'll help. Basically, anything that still gives her some control over the situation.

But, as Princess Calla says, if there are underlying issues, they need to be addressed and sometimes the best thing you can do is just be a support.