Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all! We have been experiencing an issue on site where threads have been missing the latest postings. The platform host Vanilla are working on this issue. A workaround that has been used by some is to navigate back from 1 to 10+ pages to re-sync the thread and this will then show the latest posts. Thanks, Mike.
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

One-Liner Jokes

1…99100102104105…118

Comments

  • #5052
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I was shagging my wife when I noticed my window cleaner was watching us through the window.


     


     


    "Get the **** out of my garden" he shouted



  • #5053
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I had a pet newt once.

    I called him Tiny because he was my newt.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5054
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I accidentally took my cat's medication this morning.


    Don't ask meow!



  • #5055
    blade1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,488 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119530600#Comment_119530600

    How ya feline now?



  • #5056
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,235 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119530629#Comment_119530629

    Cat melodeon



  • #5057
    blade1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,488 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119530661#Comment_119530661

    Hopefully it's not cat ching.



  • #5058
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,502 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/cassidoo/status/1564466939342331904


    Apologies for the 10-line joke.



  • #5059
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm trying to organise a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5060
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.


    Not a great gift I know, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it...



  • #5061
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I once sold a jumper to Derek Acorah.


    For those of you who don't know, he's a medium



  • Advertisement
  • #5062
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday



  • #5063
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,907 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119553220#Comment_119553220

    He's an EX,L now



  • #5064
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,906 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    My partner said she was suffering from a bit of a cold - her nose was running. I said that is more exercise than you have had all week.



  • #5065
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,743 ✭✭✭Worztron


    How Long is a Chinese Name. No, really, it is.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5066
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Who is the coolest person in the hospital ? The ultrasound guy.

    And when he's not there ? The hip replacement dude.



  • #5067
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,502 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/martinpschranz/status/1568164497323352065


    ...



  • #5068
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants... Feefiphobia.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5069
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm starting an all-marsupial fighting championship called Mortal Wombat.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5070
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My tinder date and I decided to meet at a gym for our first date, but she never showed.

    That’s when I knew things weren’t going to workout

    :-(

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #5071
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    London’s newest sperm bank had an unsuccessful opening day, they only had two appointments booked.

    One guy came on the bus and the other one missed the tube.

    :-(

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5072
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I was thinking of joining the Jehovah Witnesses.

    Does anyone know if they have an open door policy?



  • #5073
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm gonna open a convenience store called Se7en-11 where we only sell mystery boxes.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5074
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My boss said to me, "why do i always have to come looking for you ?"

    so I replied, "well good workers are hard to find.."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5075
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,502 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/mariana057/status/1574905205686247462


    ...



  • #5076
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just tried the new McDonalds autumn menu.

    It's not brilliant, but at least it tastes better than their food

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #5077
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo



    I went to my first session with a personal trainer this morning and he asked me what sort of squat do I normally do. I said ‘diddly’.



  • #5078
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Todays letter of the school day is ‘N’


     


    Name a subject beginning with ‘N’ you aren’t good at?


     


    ”Spelling”



  • #5079
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Police have confirmed that man who fell from the roof of a night club was not a bouncer.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5080
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5081
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society, I spilled the beans.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #5082
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,502 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/DocAtCDI/status/1577863435664216064


    ...



  • #5083
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,743 ✭✭✭Worztron


    Why don't blind people bungee jump? Scares the **** out of the dog.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5084
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants.


     


     


    Now they’re tenants.



  • #5085
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've struggled with timekeeping since I don't know when.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5086
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    With great power, comes great electricity bills

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5087
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...


    must've been something I said.



  • #5088
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,743 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What’s the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? The position of the Snowballs.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5089
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I Heard classical music coming from my kitchen this morning, turned out it was just the Chopin board.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5090
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Why don't professional boxers have sex the night before a big fight?


     


     


    They probably don't like each other.


     



  • #5091
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Sad, sad people who are setting off fireworks in the middle of October.


     


    One frightened my dog so much she ran and hid under the Christmas Tree.



  • Advertisement
  • #5092
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Grab your Taco you’ve pulled a Dyslexic Mexican.



  • #5093
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,230 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Bought some anti gloating cream earlier...

    I can't wait to rub it in!



  • #5094
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The Interviewer asked me how well I can perform under pressure; I said I’m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5095
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver. 


     


     


    Turned a few heads…



  • #5096
    blade1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,488 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119807156#Comment_119807156

    I went as a carpet ....... got laid! 🤪


    I went to another one wearing a tutu and wings, a doll's house on my head and a wand in my hand.

    Little house on the fairy!



  • #5097
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    There's some thieving bastards where I live.


     


    Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big bag of weed and two bottles of vodka...



    I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell for five minutes...


     



  • #5098
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My missus has left me due to my obsession with blankety blank...


    What makes it worse is she took all the _________ with her!



  • #5099
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Money is a bit tight, so I'm not buying any apples this Halloween. 


    That should save me a bob or two...



  • #5100
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I’m at the airport and there’s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel!


     


     


    She’s slowly coming around now.



  • Advertisement
  • #5101
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If you’re ever attacked by a bunch of clowns, go for the juggler.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



Advertisement