Child left out of birthday party.

average_runner · 12-09-2022 10:32am

There could be a 101 reasons not to invite a child, but the only way you will find out is to ask them.

You said your kid was loud and hyper, maybe the mother organizing the birthday would of found this too much when watching other kids in the house also.

Deeec · 12-09-2022 10:46am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058262959/child-left-out-of-birthday-party

My son can be loud and hyper

I think you know the answer why he wasnt invited. Im sorry to be harsh but a loud and hyper 9 year old with a houseful of 4 & 5 years olds would be a nightmare. It also would be normal to invite kids to a party from the childs class and the same age group as the birthday child not kids a few years older.

Forget about it and dont make an issue of it. Your child can still play with the other kids on the street as normal. Try to encourage him though to play with kids that are his own age.

riffmongous · 12-09-2022 11:41am

If the other mother didn't invite the child for any of these reasons that makes her quite the scumbag for not saying anything in private..

Neyite · 12-09-2022 11:48am

You as the parent need to get ahead of this - for future reference, ALL kids get an invite from another kid and for many reasons, the parent has a limited guest list. My son invited the entire estate to my family-only wedding!

Secondly, there will be times where it's best friends only, or when it's family only, and your son needs to understand that even with close friends, an invite isn't always forthcoming. My lad came home from school last year saying that Paddy was definitely having a party and he was definitely invited. So it was down to me to explain that Paddy might think he's having a massive party inviting 30odd schoolmates but until I get a text from his mother or an invite in an envelope, it doesn't count.

And the last one is a bit more delicate - I strongly feel that if there's any child who has additional needs or behavioural issues, that you can't expect a parent who has no experience of SN, and particularly the particular quirks of the SN that your child has, to manage those in a social setting with lots of other kids there. At the very least, you make it clear that you yourself will attend to supervise.

And if your kid doesn't get an invite that he should have - you distract him, take him out for a treat - make it a better day than the lame old party!

To tell you from the other side of the debate, our NDN has a child with some sort of behavioural issues. Mostly ok, but often resulted in another child being upset or even attacked or toys deliberately broken. Now, we've a fair bit of SN and disability in our own wider family so I'm big into ensuring my son learns inclusiveness towards children in his peer group who have physical or developmental difficulties - and actually, he's pretty brilliant at that. So with this neighbour kid, I tried. I really did. I tried for years to include him but frankly, it was his mother's attitude that did it for me - She didn't give two fcuks when my son came home bawling with a bruise. Or even try to get her son to apologise for deliberately breaking my son's toy. Nope, all and any problems, squabbles or fights were down to this issue that was a private health matter and she was clear nobody was allowed to know what it was.

Fair enough but I can't have a child with an undisclosed health issue on my property and adequately supervise him without knowing what potential triggers and signs might be. And especially when I was responsible for other people's kids safety and welfare. We've moved now, and honestly we were all much happier - including my son. Unfortunately I'm hearing a few more families locally being very wary of inviting any of her kids now because he's never had any check on his behaviours, and it's soley down to his mother's mismanagement of the boy's SN. Look, I'm no helicopter parent, and actually think a bit of squabbling or rough and tumble is good for children's social skills to develop, but the attitude that everything - including unprovoked violence towards other children should be accepted because 'X has SN' and that it never needs to be addressed with the child just isn't one I can live with.

So your boy might not be violent - but he does sound a bit disruptive and I think that unfortunately you will encounter those who will exclude him for being different - but there are also many more parents like myself who would love to include your son, we just need the parent to help us do that. What is normal behaviour for your son might be something you take in your stride - you've had 9 years of it after all - but for someone who's not used to it, seeing him being loud or whatever could make them think he's distressed or about to kick off and they have no idea how to handle it- that scares them and puts them off.

About this immediate situation - I think your best strategy is to talk to the mother with a view of resolving it calmly -you've one goal in mind, to make your child as included as possible right? What do you need to discuss with the mother to achieve that? Find out why she didn't invite him, be open to the possiblity that she's just unsure how to supervise a kid with SN and don't get offended - you had to learn how, right? Offer to accompany your son to social events to keep an eye. And that way, if she does continue to exclude your kid at least you know the real reason why and you can treat her accordingly.

12-09-2022 11:48am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119606836#Comment_119606836

Wow. A scumbag?

That's quite a judgement.

Last I checked, no parent owed any other an explanation as to their reasons for inviting or not inviting anyone else's children to their kids parties.

riffmongous · 12-09-2022 11:56am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119606871#Comment_119606871

She knew the child had been invited and then said nothing, you have to be some scum to do that to a kid alright. If she just forgot I'd say fair enough but you should still apologise. But this way she set the kid up for a shite day

12-09-2022 12:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119606911#Comment_119606911

The child was not invited by the parents.

Anyone with any cop on would know not take an excited 5 year old's words the day before, as a proper invitation. As discussed up thread.

The person who set their kid up for a shite day, was the OP, by not texting the mother herself to confirm, because "shes not that kind of person", and then letting her son sit and watch out the window, instead of taking her son out somewhere and distracting him.

12-09-2022 12:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119606870#Comment_119606870

Great post.

Princess Calla · 12-09-2022 1:32pm

I appreciate hindsight is fantastic etc.

In the cold light if day it's obvious your child wasn't invited, I suspect more to do with his age than anything....invites are issued weeks in advance.

In your shoes , especially considering you know the parents years I would have sent the mum a text along the lines of

"Kids!!! Timmy inviting the world to his party. Don't feel any obligation to invite John, I fully understand that you can't invite everyone. Hope Timmy has a great party"

That leaves it open for the other parent to come back and say

"Oh no, John is welcome ,we just didn't think he'd be interested in a 5 yo party, come over at 3"

Or more relevant in this case

"Ah thanks for understanding, we needed to keep the numbers to 10 and we didn't think John would be interested in a 5 year olds party. "

If you were left on "read" you know to make other plans with your child.

Being completely honest I wouldn't be overly encouraging a friendship between my 5 year old and a 9 year old. I was the youngest on my road and some of the kids were 2, 4 and 5 years older. For the most part it was ok but at the same time I was exposed to conversations that were innocent enough but at same time too mature for me.

Sunrise_Sunset · 12-09-2022 1:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119607001#Comment_119607001

Agreed. Great post.

I also agree with other posts above that no parent owes another parent an explanation as to why their child wasn't invited to a party. In my child's class a Dad approached a Mum and laid into her over why his child wasn't invited. At the school gates. I thought this was horrendous behaviour. Trying to bully his way for a future invite. It didn't do him or his his child any favours. The child still wasn't invited the following year. Personally I would not appreciate being approached by another parent questioning why their child wasn't invited to a party, and I would never put another parent in that position either.

riffmongous · 12-09-2022 1:39pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119606975#Comment_119606975

The women told him she would tell his mother the details... You don't see a bit of a difference between a 5 year old inviting a bus driver and one of his everyday play buddies :PAC:

She set the boy up, the other mother took her at her word since she didn't give any sign otherwise, infact the complete opposite. She should have written a short message explaining, just because you don't 'owe' people any explanation doesn't mean you don't do it if you have an ounce of cop on

12-09-2022 2:01pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119607405#Comment_119607405

What was the mother supposed to do on the spot?

Say no and have to explain it in front of both children?

It might not be polite but the neighbour owes no explanation - if it was anything innocent it would probably have been said already.

What if the explanation was that the son is too old/loud/hyper/rough or something, where does the OP go from there?

If the OP doesn't want to initiate the conversation, I can't imagine the neighbour does either.

12-09-2022 2:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119607405#Comment_119607405

She didn't do anything - it was the five year old who asked.

And if you know that no explanation is owed, why are you calling the woman a scumbag?

I think its clear who is lacking in "cop on" here.

Kalimah · 12-09-2022 2:05pm

The whole birthday party invite thing is a minefield. We had a similar experience about 20 years ago. All the kids on the road played together and whole families had been at each other's kids birthday parties. One of the neighbours was only back from holidays and didn't send out invitations to her son's party. Another neighbour asked who was invited and was told " oh the usual suspects". As we had been to the child's previous two birthday parties we thought we were included. Seeing the neighbour on the road on the morning of the party I asked what time was it starting. She said I'll let you know. Needless to say it didn't happen. We brought our kids out for the day - youngest was quite upset as they had a bouncing castle in the garden.

What was worse was that another neighbour was under the impression that her daughter was invited too, and sent the child down with a present for the birthday boy. The present was taken but the child turned away from the door.

Moral of the story is unless you have a written invite or text assume nothing.

shesty · 12-09-2022 2:15pm

You need to resolve this with the adults involved and then let it go.

Or maybe just let it go.

It wasn't a nice experience clearly. I have 3 kids from 8 down to 4 and I cannot tell you the number of times they have come home, and said "X is having a party and I am definitely invited". As Neyite says - I keep saying if I don't get a message or invite from the parents, then it isn't happening and forget about it for now. I also can't tell you how many times they have invited people to their own parties - random adults, kids they meet in a playground, anyone.And it could be in November, for a party that (I know) isn't til May.

Obviously this was badly handled if it is a case of other kids in the estate being invited and yours not. I would not expect a 9year old to be asked to a 5 year old's party. The age gap is too noticeable at that age, and it doesn't matter who they play with, I wouldn't be inviting an older child in that situation either. But I'd explain this to the other parents! Or I'd do something like bring sweets out on the road for all the kids that didn't get an invite or similar! I agree the other child's parent handled this badly, but being honest I think this is something you probably need to chalk up to experience and learn from.

CrookedJack · 12-09-2022 2:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119607405#Comment_119607405

How did she take the other mother at her word when she never spoke to the other mother? She spoke to her own 9-year-old kid, who reported what he thought the mother said. there is no word given there, that's why she should have confirmed.

Squatman · 12-09-2022 2:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119604955#Comment_119604955

they probably just forgot to text. TBH if it was your neighbours kids, and they are friends, then they dont need to send on an invite. your son should have just rocked over. That family would have been more concerned with the families taht havent been to their house before and dont kknow where to go.

Squatman · 12-09-2022 2:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605236#Comment_119605236

only catching up on these. if your not willing to help your neighbours out with a courtesy like the above, then this might explain why your child wasnt invited. Your son is likely fine, you sound like a dose.

Loveinapril · 12-09-2022 2:29pm

OP, this seems to be a great opportunity to teach your son about resilience. Not everybody gets along, people don't get invited to everything and sometimes we get left out of things we want to be a part of. Use this as a teaching opportunity, this is real life. It is sad and I am sure that it was awful seeing him upset but this isn't the last time he will be left out of something. The best thing you can do is teach him that he is good enough and not fight his battles for him.

Princess Calla · 12-09-2022 2:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119607723#Comment_119607723

Oh Jesus no!!

You never assume.

Invites are sent weeks in advance. Either WhatsApp or paper. Unless you get one of these you're not invited.

The mother didn't need to text the details, come over at 3 is as easy to say as I'll text you the details.

She didn't want a confrontation there explaining why the child wasn't invited. She said she'd text in the hope the other parent would read between the lines.

Squatman · 12-09-2022 2:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119607782#Comment_119607782

agreed, its probably situational, but if my kids migrate willy nilly into each others houses on any random day, then id be sending them over on a birthday. obviously it would be the neighbours that live directly across the road as the OP describes

Big Bag of Chips · 12-09-2022 2:54pm

If your child is a bit hyper, and prone to be loud then that might not be something a mother wanted to deal with in a crowded house of 4-5-6 years olds, where she is trying to organise food, crowd control, entertain. A party is already going to be a hyper situation and maybe she felt adding your son to the mix would just cause issues that were going to prove too stressful for her. Him egging on other 4-5 year olds, or maybe being a bit rough with smaller children, that aren't her own.

Playing on the road together is very different to playing in someone's home - with other children that you are responsible for.

It's not nice but life isn't always fair and equal. It can be heartbreaking to watch your child be left out of situations - but as they get older, (and the more you have!) you learn to let a lot go. You don't know if he was left out because of his loudness and hyperactivity, or because he's would have been the oldest there, or because the mother simply forgot to invite him. In my experience, a 9 year old wouldn't necessarily be invited to a 5 years old's party unless there were siblings of similar ages. As in you also had a 5 year old, and the other family had a 9 year old who your child was friendly with.

When no txt came you should have taken your son out somewhere and not have him sitting crying at the window watching.

Deeec · 12-09-2022 2:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119607915#Comment_119607915

Well you shouldnt be doing that. Im sure your neighbours may not be pleased with you. Its fine the kids going over to play on a normal day but sending them to a party without an invite is rude - its doesnt matter how close you think you are to them. The party may be family only or classmates only and your child may be an awkward extra.

notAMember · 12-09-2022 3:09pm

Honestly, a child getting to the age of nine without this coming up before most be a hidden benefit of covid! Party invites are always a sensitive topic.

OP, Neyite is spot on. You will need to learn a few skills here, to make this as easy as possible for other parents to include your boy. Be upfront and open about his developmental level and how he interacts. Offer to attend to help out and diffuse any situation they might be worried about. Your son may play differently with you around , rather than out of your sight. I know people who have fallen out with close lifelong friends over their respective children not playing well together, and grudges being held for invites. It easily happens, especially if you have the personality that is quick to take offense, and slow to let go of grudges.

If you do know in advance that there will be a party going on, distract him with something nice. Could watching him sit in a window with tears falling down his face have been avoided?

freshpopcorn · 12-09-2022 3:27pm

Maybe the mother forgot or maybe she didn't It's hard to know really.

Going forward tough you've got to learn to deal with situations better than you dealt with this one for your kids sake.

2PieceJigsaw · 12-09-2022 4:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605804#Comment_119605804

This exactly!

And was he also always invited to previous parties? I'd have got him ready when I knew there was no text coming and taken him to a toy shop and McDonald's or done something that he likes to pass the few hours.

Debub · 12-09-2022 4:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119606529#Comment_119606529

He is very black and white, and is not diplomatic and is lacking a little on social skills. Though he has over the years learned to control himself, he still sometimes gets upset when things get a little out of hand (like If he is unable to finish what he has to say or maybe he time ran out and he was not able to finish what he was doing). He has never been physical, at the most he will start crying.

We have a birthday party for him every year and invite his whole class (since he was 6) for the party - every year … but it’s not reciprocated. All we hope for now is that for him to find just one friend that he can rely on.

Princess Calla · 12-09-2022 4:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119608447#Comment_119608447

Jesus Christ I can never understand this!!

Absolute shame on those parents!

lawrencesummers · 12-09-2022 6:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119608447#Comment_119608447

It says more about the parents of those kids that they will accept your hospitality and not reciprocate it than any of the kids.

Anih27 · 12-09-2022 6:47pm

Many thanks for your replies and advice. For those who think I left my child to sit at the window watching everything, my partner was working and my baby was napping. He looked out the window for a few seconds before I took him to watch a movie. Once the baby woke we went to the toy shop. I am not a ‘dose’ as one poster called me I was upset to see my child being left out. He was invited to this boys party last year, and he wasn’t the only older child there, there were numerous boys and girls his age and above.

Child left out of birthday party.

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