How should you really be splitting the bills in a marriage?

Weesie · 17-09-2022 1:43pm #1

I am married 10 years & my husband has always refused to talk about finances. Until recently, I had no idea what he earned, what he spends, what he saves, what he pension entitlements are. However, I recently went to file a personal tax return & saw from his payroll details that he is earning twice my gross salary. He has always insisted on splitting everything 50/50 - childcare, mortgage, bills, property tax, ordering oil/gas (he has let us run dry, until I pay my 50%). I work full time & in addition to our split costs, I seem to always be the first to put my hand in my pocket for grocery shopping, kids clothes, extracurricular activities, summer camps, the cleaner )which he was reluctant to get, but has only paid once).

I am a public servant, so my pension (which isn't great, being the post 2013 Single Public Service Pension Scheme) is deducted at source, but I have no savings and quite literally not one cent left to myself at the end of every month. I buy my clothes in Pennies, use cheap creams/shampoos and don't really go out or eat out, very often.

I have tried so many times to discuss this with my husband. He shuts down completely and either walks off or just say 'yea' and nothing changes. I have suggested counselling, sent emails, letters, texts - but nothing changes.

I am so hurt at this stage, that I constantly fantasise about winning the lottery and having the financial independence to leave him.

I feel totally miserable and disrespected, yet he is living his best life - spending his money on his hobbies, pastimes, social life.

There is no question of spending money on family holidays or furnishings for the house (which I would love). Those conversations go absolutely nowhere.

When we purchased our first home, we had to set up a joint account, but all he will put into this is 50% of the mortgage repayment, a few days before its due. The rest of the month, its either empty or overdrawn.

I really need advise here as to what my rights are. If I were to leave him, what would he be obliged to pay? We have 2 primary school aged children.

Jim_Hodge · 17-09-2022 5:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631359#Comment_119631359

Ok, you have no interest in feedback at all it seems. It's not rocket science to move it with a simple explanation so the OP can receive some help.

Fair enough. Just an opinion from a user. And what harm would have been done if the replies were left in place and you simply closed the thread after giving the OP a telling off. The tone to the OP is a bit harsh BTW.

gameoverdude · 17-09-2022 5:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631359#Comment_119631359

Some feedback. Move it to what you believe the appropriate forum is.

Spear · 17-09-2022 3:45pm

This has nothing to do with boards.ie. Try asking in a forum that's related to the topic instead, such as the Relationship Issues forum:

https://www.boards.ie/categories/relationship-issues

17-09-2022 3:58pm

I know its not the done thing to question mod actions on threads, and I'll most likely get sanctioned for this, but I have to say I feel that response was a bit harsh.

The OP is a new poster, and there were already multiple replies to the OP on the thread.

It could have just been moved to the relationship issues area, rather than deleted entirely.

Not a great way to encourage new posters to Boards.

Gooser14 · 17-09-2022 4:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631169#Comment_119631169

I fully agree with your comment. Can the mod not move to the correct location & reinstate the replies already posted.

Jim_Hodge · 17-09-2022 4:18pm

Whatever happened to just moving threads to the appropriate forum?

XsApollo · 17-09-2022 4:19pm

This is the usual response from that mod, have questioned the mod before myself.

Spear · 17-09-2022 4:21pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631169#Comment_119631169

There's a good reason why they're not just moved. If that's done, the new user never realises they've screwed up and there's a structure to things, unlike sites like Facebook/Twitter etc. It also frequently happened with past examples, that once we move it and add a comment that it was "moved from x", then the lost OP then immediately starts asking what we're referring to and derails their own thread.

Jim_Hodge · 17-09-2022 4:23pm

Then it's now a legitimate feedback thread. New posters often can't navigate the massive range of categories on Boards and may think feedback is for just that; feedback on their issue. When this happens, the Mods should simply move the thread. It's done on many other forums so why not in Feedback?

To make it worse, the Mod even deleted valid replies and advice to the OP.

Jim_Hodge · 17-09-2022 4:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631242#Comment_119631242

To be honest, in other forums it's moved with an explanation by the Mod and the threads are never derailed by the new user. It's only Feedback that seems to have an issue.

But so be it. Just another new user lost.

Dodge · 17-09-2022 4:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631242#Comment_119631242

There’s really no need to be so precious about your (convoluted) forum structure. It was just someone looking for advice…

Spear · 17-09-2022 4:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631324#Comment_119631324

That's not the same scenario though. Someone posting something in the other forums wrongly can stem from other sources, e.g. misclicks on menus. When someone does it in Feedback they're almost always just following the first thing they see on the home page, and don't realise how many forums are under topics. The mobile homepage is also poorly labelled, which exacerbates this, but there's little hope of getting that addressed.

handlemaster · 17-09-2022 5:19pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631124#Comment_119631124

Robotic reply.

StevenToast · 17-09-2022 5:33pm

Maybe time to provide advice to the OP....

My wife and I have a joint account....everything to do with our family comes out of there...eg mortgage, electricity, broadband, tv, children etc...

We contribute 50/50 to that account.

She earns more than me but i want everything to be equal....

LaLa2004 · 17-09-2022 5:37pm

Hi Weesie. Sorry to hear you are living this miserable life. Do you think he will change? Please get some help for yourself, maybe some counseling. This is a form of abuse as you are an unpaid servant in your house. Consider contacting Women's Aid. Don't waste any more years of your life on him. Speaking from experience....

Jim_Hodge · 17-09-2022 5:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631476#Comment_119631476

We're the same. All to a joint account as well as savings accounts. No distinction between whose money it is.

NewbridgeIR · 17-09-2022 5:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631437#Comment_119631437

Spear comes across as a robotic, computer-says-no person.

NewbridgeIR · 17-09-2022 5:48pm

My wife works part time so earns about one quarter of what I do. I cover the vast majority of the bills & mortgage and have no issue in doing so. If there's a marked difference in income, then it's very unfair to have a 50/50 split.

Spear · 17-09-2022 5:50pm

I'm willing to try and see what results from moving them in future threads. Many of the lost users are coming from other newer (relatively) social media sites. In the example of this thread, the OP couldn't find the right forum, yet had no issue adding meta data in the form of tags, something we've long seen a trend of. Hence also they expect a simpler single format in the vein of twitter or Facebook. The current policy was set in place years ago, maybe the trends will have changed. So I'll move future threads and see how they go.

Jim_Hodge · 17-09-2022 5:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631515#Comment_119631515

How is it unfair? It's a marriage.

gameoverdude · 17-09-2022 5:53pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631527#Comment_119631527

I do feel your pain in fairness.

NewbridgeIR · 17-09-2022 6:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631532#Comment_119631532

Because then she would have no spare money for herself as it would all go towards bills. It should be done in proportion. If the OP's husband is earning twice as much, he should be contributing two thirds compared to her one third.

bigmac3 · 17-09-2022 6:04pm

My god, I earn multiples of what my partner does. I wouldn’t dream of making them pay 50%. All our money goes into one pot. What sort of marriage is that?

...Ghost... · 17-09-2022 6:07pm

The problem is not that your husband earns more. The problem is that he is a secretive, nasty, selfish pr!ck. Take a break. Seek legal advice and then give him a last chance to do what it takes to make your marriage work. If he resists, it’s time to give the marching orders.

Furze99 · 17-09-2022 6:19pm

When you marry, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. That is the bottom line for ordinary couples and is as it should be.

You really ought to arrange to sit down and talk about this. Bring it up a neutral time, just say you have some concerns about the family finances and arrange some time when it suits. Don't bring it up during sex or anything like.

Housefree · 17-09-2022 6:22pm

You have a decent job so you should be able to pay your 50% share. If you have issues with overpaying for stuff get his half for that. It would be different if your at home minding the children and he's out working

handlemaster · 17-09-2022 7:02pm

The OP is describing an unhappy relationship. This isn't just about money if there was trust and love in the relationship he wouldn't be acting like this.. always good to live with someone before marriage you get a sence of who they are.

Spear · 17-09-2022 8:21pm

The OP has a new thread in the proper place, so for those who still insist on trying to continue an off-topic thread you can reply there instead:

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058263859/how-should-married-couples-conduct-their-financial-affairs

glen123 · 17-09-2022 8:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119631595#Comment_119631595

Years ago I was studying and earning nothing and my husband was paying for everything incl my UK uni fees. Then I got a job,recession came and he lost his job and I was paying for everything while he was a stay at home parent doing a brilliant job (kids wouldn’t have spent as much outside in a fresh air with me,that’s for sure).

We have had joint bank account well before marriage and we have no other bank accounts. All goes into one pot and whatever needs to come out, does so. Nobody counts who earns what - too busy with more important things in this life))

I think OP is better off on her own. This is just terrible.

How should you really be splitting the bills in a marriage?

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