Uninterested Grandmother

MilkMusic · 28-09-2022 4:40pm #1

I'll try to keep this short as I can! Male mid 30s married with 20 month old. My mother is mid 60s retired reasonably good health some back problems lives 30 mins away. Grandfathers are both dead. MIL is very unwell (has carer and is frequently in and out of hospital) My mother's lack of interest/care/concern in her grandchild has really annoyed me. I just wanted to hear what other people think of how she has acted and am I being unreasonable or 'entitled'.

When my wife got pregnant and she told my mam she was going to be a 'granny' she visibly cringed at the word. Ok fine maybe that word makes you feel old I thought. 6 months later my wife has the baby. That morning in the hospital I ring my mam to tell her the news and ask her to ring my siblings to let them know as I've to rush back. She says she would prefer to not tell my brother as his wife and he are having fertility issues and she fears the birth will upset him. I was too elated to even think about how bizarre that was. A few days later she told me not to send any photos of my daughter to the family whatsapp for fear it would 'upset' my brother.

A few weeks later (after a couple of extremely short visits from my mam) I ask if she would mind watching my daughter for an hour so my wife can attend an appointment. She VERY reluctantly does.

3 months later, my wife has foot surgery (can't walk for weeks). My mother reluctantly drives her home from hospital while I stay with our daughter. I ask my mam if she could give us a small bit of help the next few days. Bear in mind my mother is retired and has a brand new car to drive out here. My mam says no she has to get her garden done in her other house down the country. I swear (to myself) I will never ask for her help again and I don't.

Over the next year my mam visits about 3 times very briefly only on request. In the meantime I see all my friends and neighbours with doting grandparents visiting frequently and helping in any way they can. I figure maybe we need to make more of an effort and we start visiting my mam. I send her photos videos of her grandaughter every other day. I invite her out numerous times. Her visits don't increase.

My daughter gets Covid. I told my Mam. My mother didn't ask how she was for 2 weeks after.

She then forgot my daughter's birthday. When I reminded her 2 weeks later she said "sure that was ages ago".

I got annoyed and basically asked her why she was so uninterested and told her I thought the way she was acting was not normal. I told her about my friend's parents and how doting and helpful they were. She told me she 'didn't give a **** what other grandparents too'. She said she was too tired to drive out to us and we'd have to come to her. (She drives to Galway from Dublin to visit her siblings no problem). Drives to meet up with her friends for lunches etc.

A period of 6 months went by where she didn't come to see her grandaughter. The other week she didn't come to my daughter's Christening as she said she was too 'immobile'. She had her appendix taken out a few weeks before. I was the only sibling who helped her in a practical way when she got out (shopping, cleaning her house, collecting prescriptions). My MIL can't walk without a walker, is in constant pain, is 10 years older than my mam, still travelled 4 hours to the Christening. When I pointed this out to my mam she said it was very 'hurtful' for me to say that.

At this point, I am almost thinking of not inviting my mam to anything again. Everything seems to be hassle to her and she seems to just want to be left alone. She had a very unhappy marriage with my father. She recently said my daughter looks like my dad's sister (who my mam strongly dislikes).

I knew my mother was never going to be a 'hands on' granny but I thought she could do a little better than this. Btw my brother has never visited his niece and text me to say it would be too hard to be around her.

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lucalux · 28-09-2022 6:57pm

It's not bizarre to be mindful of your brother and his wife's fertility struggles, your mother is being a lot more considerate than you in that regard I think.

He literally text you to say it would be too hard to be around her. That's a man being very honest right there. Respect it if you can.

Granny's aren't automatically interested in their grandchildren. Not automatically "doting".

I wouldn't think you making comparisons with two women who are completely separate people apart from sharing the title 'granny' to your daughter.

Fair enough you might be hurting, but most of that seems to come from your own expectations. A lot of people don't drop everything to mind their grandkids, or travel to see them often, and don't always enjoy oohing and aahing at babies, especially if they see the possibility of their retirement being taken as a way for parents to have childcare on tap.

Step back as much as you can and see your mother as someone who might just not have the energy to pretend to care as much as you want her to. Someone who has reared her kids and might not have enjoyed how draining it can be at times, someone who values her own social life now she has the chance to enjoy it.

You might find it changes as the child gets older, many people have no interest in babies, but when the children grow and have their own personalities, sometimes they can grow more attached as grandparents.

28-09-2022 7:20pm

I've gone through through the same thing OP. My mother has no interest in my kids, I was surprised at the total disinterest in their first grandchild. My father was a bit better but not a whole lot. I just thought 'oh well, that's how she is as a grandparent'. Wouldn't drop up to see the child, would say they were busy if I dropped in with a child in tow. What can you do, if they don't want to know them, they don't want to know them.

Then my brother's wife had a baby and suddenly she's the best granny in the world. Anything they needed, she was there in a heartbeat. Overnight stays, mind them at any time during the day for whatever reason, change the baby's nappy. I was shocked, I couldn't understand why they were treated different to my own as there was no ill will between myself, my wife or my parents. I had it out with them a few times over it but nothing changed. Eventually we just stopped bothering to visit them and the kids (who are now older) realized they were treated differently than their cousins, have no interest in them either. I'll never get to the bottom of it but that's life I suppose.

Jequ0n · 28-09-2022 7:22pm

“I knew my mother was never going to be a 'hands on' granny but I thought she could do a little better than this.”

I really don’t get why you thought she was going to change dramatically once she became a grandmother.

Sounds like you have tried to push her into the grandparent role against her wishes even though she has made it abundantly clear from the start that she did not want to fulfil that role.

XsApollo · 28-09-2022 7:37pm

You got the message, when ye had the baby and the mother was more concerned about your brother.

like the other poster a few posts up , I’d be thinking if your brother had a baby she would be all over it.

your brother well , it would be too hard for him? he is an adult right?

what about the niece and granddaughter that seems to be ignored, who wouldn’t have any understanding of why.

as for your mother, if she behaved the same for all grandkids then fair enough, But I’d say your brother might get a different result.

Princess Calla · 28-09-2022 7:44pm

Have you posted about this before?

It sounds very familiar.

As hard as it might be leave her be. You can't force someone to take an interest.

There's alot of grandparents who take the view I've reared my children and I'm done.

Purple Mountain · 28-09-2022 7:44pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119677538#Comment_119677538

No, sorry I don't agree about the brother.

Granny said don't tell brother about a new baby niece to spare his feelings.

Like, when was he going to be told and by who?

Infertility is very painful, I get that but not announcing the birth of your first born to your immediate family to protect them, come on!

Babies are everywhere, you can't "protect" the brother from being around them never mind missing out on his own niece.

As for the grandmother, draw a line under her and move on. You can't force what's not there. Sounds like you have one lovely granny to make up for it.

Larbre34 · 28-09-2022 7:44pm

Hmmm. Honestly, this sounds a bit like a you problem.

standardg60 · 28-09-2022 7:52pm

Honestly can't believe that people would thank the first reply here.

For your brother to text and say he can't be around your daughter because of his own infertility issues is frankly disgraceful behaviour. He has obviously inherited the same selfish genes as your mother who clearly has ideas as to who her own favourite children are.

There's nowt as queer as folk as Craichead has experienced. Plough your own furrow OP, you have your own loving family now so take joy in that. People who choose to not take part and share that with you will regret it in the long run.

Kalimah · 28-09-2022 8:01pm

This is depressingly familiar to me. My MIL had no interest in my kids - my own parents were both dead when I had mine so I’d hoped she’d be a little bit involved with their lives. Sadly our kids were third class citizens compared to some of the cousins.

We had EXACTLY the same scenario when our last child was born as a couple of other posters had. My husband was told not to talk about the baby in front of his brother who was having fertility issues. Indeed he wasn’t even told that the baby was born. He found out at a family event when I turned up without a bump. I was livid.

Is the brother going to avoid all babies for the rest of his life if he doesn’t have one? It’s ridiculous. He needs to grow up.

Forget your mother and concentrate on the nice granny. Don’t bother with your brother either. He’s being incredibly unfair to you

looksee · 28-09-2022 8:03pm

How long since her husband died? She had an unhappy marriage and now she is free she wants to do what she wants to do. Minding babies, even her grandchildren isn't included. She could be emotionally exhausted and struggling to come to terms with a life lost to a selfish (?) husband. Or maybe she was the issue herself, in which case you are not going to change her.

She sounds as though she could be depressed, I don't know, but its possible. You had a lightbulb moment when you figured maybe you should visit her, I'd be inclined to ask, did you not visit her before? Did you leave home and leave her to get on with her difficult husband, until you realised that you wanted a granny for your child and suddenly started making an effort. You are not backwards at telling her how much of a failure as a granny she is, I wonder is there an attitude there that she has been aware of for some time?

You don't have an entitlement to your mother's services for babysitting or general child interest. Back off without abandoning her altogether and let her find herself in her retirement. She may come round in due course and become more of a granny than she is at the moment, but she apparently needs a bit of 'me' time after a lifetime of raising her own kids and coping with her husband.

Still stihl waters 3 · 28-09-2022 8:10pm

If I were you I'd learn to live without them, selfish pricks

MilkMusic · 28-09-2022 8:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119677752#Comment_119677752

12 years. Retired early 14years ago

28-09-2022 8:20pm

I It sounds to me like your mother is putting boundaries in place.

Within a few weeks of the birth you asked her to babysit, then you asked her to help after your wife had foot surgery. She probably thinks if she gives you an inch, you will ask for a mile?

She may also be a bit nervous of being left in charge of a newborn. It's years since she had one of her own, and speaking as an older woman, you do forget.

My advice is, lower your expectations. Not all grandparents immediately fall in love with grandbabies, or are even that interested, and certainly not if it involves an expectation of free babysitting from the parents.

The less you expect, the less you'll be disappointed.

veryangryman · 28-09-2022 8:24pm

Personally I sympathise. I disagree that the OP has the problem. It is very sad that a grandmother wants nowt to do with the young kids.

Saying that, it is what it is. 1 good grandparent is better than none. Best of luck with the wee wonder

Sleepy · 28-09-2022 8:29pm

How does your mother get on with your wife? Is it possible she doesn't like her and is transferring those feelings onto your daughter?

MilkMusic · 28-09-2022 8:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119677848#Comment_119677848

My wife and I both thought they got on fine.

Hannibal_Smith · 28-09-2022 8:34pm

What is your relationship like with your mother? What was it like before your daughter arrived?

If you do stop trying she isn't the type to then turn it on you and accuse you of never involving her with her grandchild is she?

It must be a very difficult situation and I can see why it would be upsetting. Hard as it may be to accept, your daughter is nearly 2 now, so it's been 2 years of her disinterest. I wouldn't be trying anymore if I was you.

Furze99 · 28-09-2022 8:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119677717#Comment_119677717

I'd agree with you - what the OP describes is not at all normal and must be very hurtful. Still it is what it is so my advice would be not to cut off communications but just don't expect any help or appreciation. Once OP and his wife accept that, be easier to get on at a distance. As others point out, things may well change in time as child or children get older. But wouldn't make any special effort to go to mother or brother. Let them realise in their own good time that they've misjudged.

MilkMusic · 28-09-2022 8:37pm

Relationship was fine. Mainly me making the effort. I used to ring everyday and call in every few days.

topdecko · 28-09-2022 8:49pm

Alot going on there. Behavior from your mother the opposite of expected. Your brother needs to grow up and develop a thicker skin - ignoring his nieces existence because of his infertility woes is a bit of a stretch. Having to avoid sharing pictures at such a joyful moment is not normal.

Sounds like you have tried multiple times to build bridges, facilitate some semblance of a grandmotherly presence in your daughters life but looks like you are not going to achieve much in that regard. Shouldn't be this much work. I would get on with raising your family and devote your energies there. Let them come to you rather than putting in all this effort for nowt.

Larbre34 · 28-09-2022 8:59pm

My comment earlier about this being a you problem was no trolling.

You cannot, repeat cannot, make people feel the way you might like them to feel. Attempting to change how other people feel, or ignoring any elephant in the room only leads to resentment and more permanent breakdowns in communication and eventually contact altogether.

Your mother is under no obligation to behave in any certain way towards you, your partner or your child. She may ultimately regret her current attitude, but really she has to come to that realisation on her own, if ever.

Trust me when I suggest to you to focus your energies on the positives of your own little family unit now, you will be far more content than the obvious frustration you are experiencing now.

MilkMusic · 28-09-2022 9:05pm

That's fair enough. I understand what you're saying.

28-09-2022 9:16pm

Your brother sounds like an absolute dose. He should be happy for you and wanting to meet his niece. It’s not like you’re going to hold her up and say haha I can have babies and you can’t. Maybe it’s for the best he can’t if he’s such a child himself. Jealous and spiteful.

osarusan · 28-09-2022 9:25pm

It's only natural to be upset by the lack of interest, but I'm not sure there's a lot you can do about it. If you raise it as an issue, you run the risk of being 'hurtful' or entitled or whatever.

If I were in your shoes, I'd concentrate on building strong relationships with people who want to be in your child's life. There's a part of me that would invite her (and your brother) to every event, just so they could never claim to have been excluded, but thatt's petty I know.

mojesius · 28-09-2022 9:31pm

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. Really crap behaviour from your mother and you're right to feel let down. Yes, she shouldn't be there to provide free babysitting on tap but forgetting/ignoring her own grandchild's birthday is awful. She's the one missing out at the end of the day. I'd stop sending her pictures and keep her at a comfortable distance if it was me to be honest.

CramCycle · 28-09-2022 9:35pm

Leave her to herself and don't waste the energy. This is a non discussion. She doesn't care don't waste your time being upset.

ratracer · 28-09-2022 9:56pm

I don’t normally respond or any PI threads, but this one kinda resonated with me for some reason.

OP, do you know if your mum is on any meds, particularly anti-depressants?? ( Don’t answer that here, just consider it).

I’ve seen my MIL completely change her ways and be distant and uninterested in anything, after being put on anti-depressants. We, and other family members, spotted it and got her to seek a second opinion from a different GP, who advised coming off the prescribed meds. The difference in a short while was unbelievable. Sometimes too many or just the wrong type of meds are prescribed. This may or may not be useful to you, and is not medical advice, just something to consider.

As for your brother and his wife, I get they may feel hard done by, and life can deal difficult hands at times, but they need to grow up and get on with it. I know plenty of people whom have had successful and unsuccessful IVF efforts, but none of them are resentful of others children.

Good luck with it, enjoy every moment with your own family, hopefully you and your mum sort out any issues while she has time to enjoy her grand daughter.

treascon · 28-09-2022 10:25pm

It’s clearly your family that have an issue, not you op. I can relate to this as have a father who has no interest in mine or my kids lives. It hurts but you eventually learn to accept it & move on otherwise it will continue to eat away at you. It’s her loss at the end of the day. Enjoy the family you have now & good luck

Pissy Missy · 28-09-2022 10:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058265255/uninterested-grandmother

Maybe the mother has more insight into your brothers and wife's fertility problems than you realise, the fact he messaged you about it aswell makes it sound more serious, obviously I think people especially family should be happy for one another but maybe they've literally gone through like 5 failed attempts and it's hit them extremely hard 🤷‍♀️

I think the fact your mum visited at all shows interest and effort, even if it wasn't for the longest length of time

I know it's disappointing on your end but some people are burnt out after going through their own process of raising kids and just are done with it, but she still helped ye out.

The garden thing, well tbf she could have done that another time to help ye out. Perhaps she's being boundaried and doesn't want to get into a situation where she'll be expected to babysit in future. Regardless of your mum being retired and having a new car, she is allowed to use that time as she wants to.

It's obviously hard to see your neighbours and friends grandparents doting and helping out where they can but it's not always like that. Like other posters have said, maybe there is no point pushing your grandchild and your expectations on her, and better to lower your expectations.

Your mum could definitely go out of her way to be more caring with your daughter regarding covid and her birthday, can't imagine that didn't hurt

Idk, with the christening, she's in her 60s and had her appendix out, I might let that slide whilst appreciating the amazing effort of the MIL. You were very good to help your mum out like that.

I think it's sad your mum isn't more involved in your child's life, even if they remind her of your aunt, though gives room for possibly understanding why she partially might be acting the way she is, still disappointing all the same. I don't think you're being entitled, though I think you need to adjust your expectation of your mum. Before not inviting her to future events, I think you need to think about it a little deeper. Was your mum always like this? Perhaps not one for offering to be overly helpful or not super mad about kids? Maybe you could invite her to things whilst not expecting her to show up or not expecting too much? Definitely up to you but if it's bringing you a lot of hurt and distress, understandably so, then there might be no harm in keeping your distance a bit more

Also to bear in mind, elderly people are at an increased risk of cognitive decline, dementia and depression so don't know if any of those might be a factor.

Best of luck OP

Tork · 28-09-2022 11:25pm

This makes for such sad reading and I get the impression that this coldness and indifference didn't come from nowhere. Reading between the lines of what you've written, there's other stuff going on in the background. It might help explain why both your mother and your brother have no interest in getting to know your little girl. I agree with the others who have advised you to back off. I know that's hard to read, especially when you look around and see how other families are getting on. Maybe in time your mother and brother will come good but for now I think you should live your life as if they aren't a big part of it. As your daughter gets older, she'll start picking up the vibes coming from your mother. I think it'd be better for her to not know her granny at all than to remember her as an indifferent or hostile old lady who didn't seem to like her very much.

Uninterested Grandmother

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