Uninterested Grandmother

Flinty997 · 29-09-2022 11:57am

There's a difference in childcare and being completely disinterested.

29-09-2022 12:10pm

Whatever the sensibilities involved and whether or not depression might be a factor, a parent has to cut to the chase and put their child's best interests first at all times. You do not want anyone, be they relative or not, taking care of your child when there is any sign whatsoever that they are unwilling or unable to do so for whatever reason, be it emotional or physical. Just don't do it. The grandmother described by the OP is showing you who she is. Believe her. Your child's safety and security comes first and way ahead of issues of understandable sadness over unmet expectations.

Liath Luachra · 29-09-2022 12:26pm

OP, congratulations on your littleone. Your brother is simply mirroring your mothers behaviour and fertility issues are a convenient excuse. My brother and his wife have no children and went through years of IVF, all the while babysitting and bondong with my kids. They are godparents to two of them. In contrast, my MIL would not recognise my children if she saw them, the distance between houses is the excuse (an hour) yet she will travel to the ends of the country for clothes shopping. But she, like your mum has shown who she is - family is not important to her, her needs are paramount and simple acts of kindness, such as helping in times of illness etc. are not in her nature. Ironically, my MIL espouses christian values constantly and attends mass 4/5 times a week. Her social media is filled with "be kind" sentiments.

It can be very disheartening and a real rejection if your own parent shows no interest in your new little family but to save yourself more upset, its best to acknowledge that she has shown you there is no interest. This is nothing to do with you and more reflection of your Mum.

We focused on fostering relationships with those who wanted to be in our lives and put our energies there. It sounds like your MIL loves your little one, focus on that, share the photos on family whatsapp - no reason why the rest of your family should not get to know your daughter.

monkeybutter · 29-09-2022 12:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119679583#Comment_119679583

Yes weirdos

I'm sure if they didn't get on then the OP wouldn't be surprised by it

Very few aren't going to be interested in their kids or grandkids

not normal

monkeybutter · 29-09-2022 12:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119679777#Comment_119679777

No, they should want to provide a bit of support for their own kids the odd time, they are still parents themselves

Juts like the kids would look out for them

just because one person takes the piss like the above doesn't change this

Jequ0n · 29-09-2022 12:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119680040#Comment_119680040

Every family is different so there is no “normal”. The OP has clarified that the parent had always been somewhat distanced and passive, so this isn’t a new dynamic.

Just because it seems weird to you doesn’t mean that it is not normal.

Faith · 29-09-2022 1:19pm

I’d have to wonder if your mother ever actually wanted to have children herself, and whether she felt she had any choice in that decision. Could her rejection of the ‘grandmother’ role have any relationship with her perception of her ‘mother’ role?

The Mighty Quinn · 29-09-2022 1:49pm

I've 2 young children. I have a sibling with fertility issues, going on several years. Yes I have been a little careful in some of the things I'd say around them, e.g., not talking about how difficult it can be having kids, blahh blahh. But I'd never have dreamed of hiding the birth of my children from that sibling as a shield to protect their feelings! It's a big occasion in a family, it's utterly bizarre to conceal the birth of a child from a sibling on grounds of protecting their feelings!

Your brothers reasons for not visiting or having an interest in your child is tripe. Of course he may feel a little envy, or find baby conversations a little much (fertility issues or not.. .most find those conversations a bit much!), but he needs to manage that himself, same as you need to be considerate of his feelings by not blathering on about baby stuff. But I wouldn't accept his reasons as excuse for not seeing the child who is almost 2.

Remember this though OP, nobody gives as much of a toss about your child as you do. Other people's kids aren't all that interesting to many - me included.

Princess Calla · 29-09-2022 1:50pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119680287#Comment_119680287

Because for a long time being child free by choice was not a valid choice.

If you had not married and produced a few kids by a certain age you were to be pitied.

There are alot of parents who should never have had children. Only had them as it was what was expected of them.

The OPs mother could easily have fallen into this category. He says it was an unhappy marriage. So being trapped (as seperation/divorce wasn't the done thing) in a marriage with a few kids, you may not have fully wanted doesn't sound like much fun.

She now has her freedom and just wants to suit herself.

As others have pointed out there maybe an element of favouritism towards the brother and is taking the fertility frustrations out on the OP.

None of us really know her reasons behind her actions.

She has shown her cards though so the OP needs to manage their expectations accordingly.

Invite her to the things a grandparent would be invited, if she comes she comes.

If you're invited to dinner go.

However, don't expect/ask for any babysitting or general help.

Hannibal_Smith · 29-09-2022 1:54pm

Mod Note

I have deleted some off topic posts. A reminder to all to offer advice to the OP when replying to their thread.

@triddles and @Flinty997 if you wish to have a discussion on normal or weird family dynamics there are other places on boards where you can do that.

The Charter can be found here if you are new to PI/RI please read it before posting again.

HS

Flinty997 · 29-09-2022 2:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058265255/uninterested-grandmother

"...I just wanted to hear what other people think of how she has acted and am I being unreasonable'..."

I don't think we are allowed to discuss what is "reasonable". But I would suggest that trying to bend someone who its obviously unwilling to your way of thinking isn't going to work. It will only continue to cause conflict.

monkeybutter · 29-09-2022 2:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119680082#Comment_119680082

there is of course normal behavior and this is not it

the op doesn't seem to have said that in this thread

rang every day, called in regularly

Thats a closer relationship than most have.

Meeoow · 29-09-2022 2:42pm

Even if she doesn't want to take an active role in the grandchilds life, to not go to her christening is downright mean. There seems to be underlying issues going on, seems to resent the child

mailforkev · 29-09-2022 3:34pm

Obviously no grandparent has to behave in a particular way, but it looks like some version of the narcissist/golden child/scapegoat family dynamic is going on here, one that I'm presuming long predates your child.

For example, she consistently treats you poorly, but as soon as she needs assistance after her appendix is removed, it's you that runs to help her. Where was your wonderful brother when she needed help?

Best thing to do here is recognise the situation, extract yourself from that situation and look after yourself and your new family.

rob316 · 29-09-2022 3:37pm

Your brother would want to grow up and be happy for you. He can't see his niece as he wants a child? Pathetic to be honest.

OP a grandparent should be absolutely thrilled to be around your children and been involved with their care. My grandparents spoiled me and my children are spoiled by my parents, they jump at the chance to be with them. Don't get too hung up on it, sounds to me the child is better off without grandparent like that. Look after you and your family.

monkeybutter · 03-10-2022 12:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119680082#Comment_119680082

that doesn't make any sense in the english language, theres normal, theres abnormal

03-10-2022 1:18pm

Your wife and your child are your priorities now, OP.

By all means continue to make an effort with your mother but only if it's not affecting your home life. If it starts causing tension between you and your wife it's time to cut the mother off.

It's one thing a grandparent setting boundaries, but as someone else said, not going to the christening is suss and suggests something more malignant lingering below the surface.

EOQRTL · 03-10-2022 1:26pm

I don't get it. If they have no interest then so be it OP. I feel similar about my sisters kids and it's just the way it is.

03-10-2022 1:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119695617#Comment_119695617

Do you and your sister get along?

blackbox · 03-10-2022 1:43pm

Just get on with your own life.

If your mother wants to get involved, that's fine. If she doesn't want to, that's fine too.

No sense in falling out over it.

RavenBea17b · 03-10-2022 3:00pm

OP, it does come across that your mother is setting boundaries - nothing wrong with that, it works both ways. However, understandable as it is for your brother and sister in law to be upset that they are so far unable to have a child, it is quite a low thing to do, to not want to be involved in your family life, wish you happiness etc. It must be so hurtful to both your wife and yourself to feel that your daughter is missing out on getting to know her uncle ,aunt, grandmother - young as she is, she will already have picked up on it.

Do you know if your sister-in law has any siblings of her own - that have had families ? If so, do they act the same around them if they're her nephews/nieces. Has your brother always behaved like this, emotional around other having kids, or has he slowly got worse.

I do suspect, that should they have a child of their own, or choose to adopt, then your mother may take more interest in your brothers child - she being mindful at all cost to not upset him, from the very start whilst not being as considerate to you.

I mentioned boundaries at the start, that it works both ways. It does. You have tried to get your mum and brother to get to know your child, they don't appear to be particular going out of their ways to do so. But when it comes to family get togethers, with your aunts, uncles' cousins, family weddings, general catch ups with family and friends, they may have already picked up on the lack of interest from your mother/brother etc. If asked about it, be honest with them. They may be aware but were unsure how to approach it.

It will hurt, but your mother has been clear that she wants her independence and to distance from your family. Don't be at her beck and call as much. Be cautious about your brother. Focus on your own immediate family. If other family members ask why, tell them the truth.

bitofabind · 04-10-2022 1:00am

I was reading through hoping something else clocked this, and I’m glad a few already mentioned it.

OP, google narcissistic parents and toxic family dynamics. You might recognise yourself as the scapegoat and your brother as the golden child. The one that is enabled in all kinds of entitled behaviour probably going back decades, while you are anything from ignored to forgotten to undermined by your parent. This is shockingly common IME (especially among older less enlightened generations) and also disastrous for children in terms of their development and all of the self esteem and mental health problems later in life to have been treated as less than when they were children. And treating the scapegoat’s child as an afterthought is textbook for this type of parent.

Google it and then think about how this woman parented you and if this coldness and favouritism has always existed. And then emotionally distance yourself and stop prioritising a woman that has so little regard for you.

WertdeerSC · 04-10-2022 10:07pm

After being a father to two for a few years, it's completely exhausting and draining. A woman in her sixties would have a lot less energy than me and probably just wants to live a life without feeling tied to this and that, freedom after a lifetime of work and other commitments is huge. I love family life but at the same time, cannot wait to get my own life back where I can do what I want, when I want.

Uninterested Grandmother

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