It's over, isn't it?

kylith · 03-10-2022 2:45pm #1

Feel a bit sick writing this, like it's admitting it out loud to someone.

OH and I are both 40. We have been together 6 years and have 2 kids, 4 and 2. And I think our relationship is not going to last much longer. He is autistic.

We both work part time, I work 1 day a week from home and the rest of the time I am a SAHM, he works 3 days out of the house. We make ok money since we own our house outright. He does practically nothing around the house. Barely any cleaning, almost zero laundry, cooks maybe once a week. He spends all his time, including time he's looking after the kids while I work, on his phone; either on twitter or playing whatever game he's gotten into recently. He stays up late at night and doesn't get up in the morning, so I do all the morning stuff and it's not unusual for me to have to yell at him to get up and mind 2yo while I take 4yo to ECCE. I get up at weekends to take the eldest to sport, often having to yell at him to get up and mind the younger one. I can't remember the last time I slept past 7:30. He fights with our 4yo, and seems to play favourites. I could go on, but I don't want this to be a diatribe about his faults, I'm not perfect myself but I try to be better. Suffice to say that if it needs to be done, I do it, or I remind him to do it 400 times. Yes, I have spoken to him about this, many times.

We were both unemployed when we got together so we never went out much but we used to have fun hanging out. Recently when I suggested going to dinner and a movie he said no, he'd torrent it in a few weeks. Our love life is nil since our youngest was born, I tell him it's hormones but it's not just that; when I used to want to he'd do or say something that would completely turn me off (not even something he'd do sexually, but having to nag someone to put stuff in the dishwasher or clean up after themselves is not very sexy) and eventually any feeling just went away.

Like, I find myself thinking that if he moved out my life wouldn't be substantially different. I'd have to give up one of my hobbies but that would be it. I wouldn't really have any more work to do and would probably be less stressed because I wouldn't be expecting help that wasn't going to come. I find myself looking at houses near my parents, and looking at schools in their area. I know they'd take me and the kids in while we got settled because they 100% hate my OH, seeing him as a lazy ass. My best friend keeps telling me to kick him out. Reading this, and logically I'd tell myself the same thing, but what do you tell a toddler? How do you tell them that they won't be living with their daddy any more? We don't fight; he'll start getting worked up about something and I'll walk away because I don't want the kids to see us shouting at each other, but I know that kids pick up on when their parents aren't happy and it's not good for them in the long run. Why am I with him in the first place? He's cute and funny, I was in my late 30s and wanted kids, and I didn't realise even though I should have that he wasn't going to start putting effort in even after the kids were born.

I don't know what I want from this forum. Validation maybe? Ideas on how to move forward. Stories form people in the same situation. Maybe to just have said it...

Dial Hard · 03-10-2022 2:56pm

The children aren't a reason to stay. I know it seems like an insurmountable problem but the reality is that couples with children break up every day of the week. Kids adapt, they're more resilient than we generally give them credit for. Any child is better off with separated, happy parents than a miserable unit.

Have you considered counselling? I say that because I don't think anyone should walk away from a marriage/relationship with children without at least giving it a go, but honestly, it sounds like you've known since you got together that this man had issues that weren't necessarily reconcilable and you accepted that in order to have children. That doesn't mean you have to continue to accept them, though.

03-10-2022 3:01pm

*Your* happiness is also worth something.

kylith · 03-10-2022 3:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696182#Comment_119696182

Yeah, like I knew he was messy but, like so many before me, I thought that over time 'don't leave rubbish on the counter' would become just something you do. Jesus, I'd be happy leaving my dishes on the sink all day too, but my children deserve to live in a nice house. What's really hacking me off though is the phone. Like, 'pay attention to your children when you are minding them' should not have to be a special request. I live in fear that something will happen them and he won't know because Clash of Clans or whatever was more interesting. More than once I've had to raise my voice to tell him that his child, standing mere inches from his face, would like his attention.

kylith · 03-10-2022 3:08pm

I've thought about counselling, but I don't know if that would be prolonging the inevitable. I've talked to him. I've told him exactly what the issue is in plain language with no dancing around. I don't know what else counselling could do.

Faith · 03-10-2022 3:30pm

It sounds like, for one reason or another, he's a very egocentric person in the sense that he will only do something if it directly benefits him. He has been getting away with not doing anything he doesn't want to because you do it for him. It doesn't sound like he'll change while there's an easier path.

On the other hand, being a single parent could spur him on to be a better father. If you're not there to do everything for him, maybe he'll finally do it himself because he has to, including paying attention to the kids. You worry leaving could put the kids at risk, but there's a chance it'll improve things instead.

I'm sorry, kylith, it does sound to me like it's over. It doesn't sound like there was ever an amazing foundation for your relationship, and it doesn't sound like either of you have the interest or motivation to build one at this point. It's important to allow yourself time to process and grieve, though.

03-10-2022 3:53pm

It sounds like, for one reason or another, he's a very egocentric person in the sense that he will only do something if it directly benefits him.

That would be pretty standard autistic spectrum behaviour. It's because they don't see anything beyond their own needs and if no one is spelling it out what they are doing wrong or what help they need from them they don't see it at all. Often they are quite willing to help, but need a set of clear instructions.

YellowLead · 03-10-2022 3:59pm

I think you are brave etc say it out loud and be ready to take those steps. Far too many people stay in crappy relationships because the effort of splitting seems like too much.

There is no joint effort and no real care, why should you spend the rest of your days accepting that. And let this be a lesson to anyone else reading - being in your late thirties and wanting kids is not a reason to marry somebody, people do this all the time then resent the partner they married because they didn’t magically change.

OP you will have less house work to do without him and you will be happier. However - you might need to increase the working hours - one day a week isn’t usually feasible for people in split households (unless one or both are loaded). It’s great your parents will take you and the kids in if needed, but you don’t want to be a burden on them forever. If you both own the house you are in that is positive at least - you have equity.

kylith · 03-10-2022 4:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696417#Comment_119696417

Which is why I have been very clear with what is bugging me. I have even left him a clear list of stuff that needs to be done on his day with the kids. But nothing lasts longer than I'm standing there. The fact that he's autistic is, tbh, why I'm questioning myself so much; I don't want to overreact because of NT expectations. But I can't put up with this for the rest of my life. I can't keep doing everything and keeping track of everything while he plays on his phone.

03-10-2022 4:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696453#Comment_119696453

100% - I wasn't for a second suggesting you have to put up with it. Your happiness and sanity is important too.

03-10-2022 4:29pm

It looks like you got what you wanted from him and now want to leave. No judgement, it is what it is.

You have a paid off house which you have equity in. What's the plan on disposing of that or are you okay with him living there (while you move into your parents) while he shares the parenting duties.

kylith · 03-10-2022 4:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696552#Comment_119696552

While I disagree, I can see how it would look that way. I did, and do, enjoy spending time with him; we have interests in common and he has a great sense of humour. But it takes more than that to run a household.

No, I have no plan in how we would dispose of assets. That is something that I would have to discuss with him, and possibly a solicitor if need be.

Furze99 · 03-10-2022 7:27pm

In truth, only hearing one side of the story here. Sometimes people have quite different expectations of what constitutes a 'clean' house. Hard to know, but could well that'd he'd prefer to do household chores etc when it suits in his own good time. Do you ever give enough slack for that to happen or perhaps just get on and do it yourself and deny the opportunity?

Like above, some counselling could well help and get you to see each others perspectives and expectations. You seem to have stuff in common as well and all is not bad. No mention of violence or anything like that.

jackboy · 03-10-2022 7:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696592#Comment_119696592

Make him get rid of the phone and replace with a non internet one. Make it clear that ye are done if he disagrees.

...Ghost... · 03-10-2022 8:23pm

Do you understand autism and how his reality and routine is very different from your own? If not, it may help you to do some research to give you better insight. It sounds like you've done a little, but don't really get it.

Speaking as someone with that mindset I can tell you that he really needs to replace the gaming with something more constructive. Shouting at him will do nothing but frustrate you both. I agree with an above poster who spoke about cleanliness and chores. Maybe it's just men (mostly) but I don't see dirt and untidiness the same as my Wife does. It drives her nuts, but I just don't see it most of the time and won't clean something I don't see as dirty. This can mean missing a few dishes in the sink....for me, it needs to be out of place, like on the counter and to be there for a while....like a couple of hours.

You're not being honest with your partner, or are telling half truths, so maybe start there and in a non-confrontational way. You need to distance yourself from your parents negativity as this is definitely having a detrimental effect on how you view your relationship with your partner. Also I disagree with another poster about broken families. Kids statistically do far better when parents stay together, but that shouldn't be the reason for staying together. I hope this helps a little.

Dial Hard · 03-10-2022 8:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697161#Comment_119697161

"At least there's no violence" is not a commendable baseline for any relationship. Jesus christ.

triddles · 03-10-2022 8:58pm

Sorry what is this -" My best friend keeps telling me to kick him out" . What has he done to warrant being kicked out of his home? Your best friend sounds lovely.

bad2thebone · 03-10-2022 9:30pm

As a guy I can see how some of our habits are self destructive in a relationship. I'm one of those guys who needs a kick in the behind now and again. It's not that we're lazy it's just because we're just not as aware of untidiness and boundaries. I'm talking about guy's similar to me.

Not every guys like me.

I have a partner for 4 year's but we're not living together, I respect her homestead. But if I was living with her full time I'd drive her cracked. I binge tidy and clean and I could have a cup sitting in the one spot for a week in my own house then there's a few lying around. I'm sure that's enough for anyone to get peaved off.

Or unopened mail throw on the step of the stairs 4 empty shampoo bottles in the shower stand.

I clean the house a few times a week and very hygienic as in there's always clean sheets, floor's, worktops, toilet's etc but certain things are like a mental block. It's not intentional. My mum or sister would remember stuff lying in the same place for a month or two if they called over.

I'm not cut out for it, buying books and never reading them. Waiting for the apocalypse to read in candle light or some excuse in my head. CDs still in their wrapping. Big sould system that gets loads of attention. Streaming albums and have the CDs wrapped in their plastic covers on them. High end fishing gear lying against the wall in the hallway.

As for furnishings I'm totally gothic and my sitting room has pagan tapestries and animal furs covering a beautiful leather couch. As for my partner in her house she's minimalist and I'm like walking into a cross between a Celtic temple and gothic cathedral. Lot's of ornate wood and fur and tapestries.

Total opposite but we both have a good time for each other. I think some couples work better apart. I'm not suggesting that's going to help your situation. As you did ask people to post if they were in a similar situation.

Well I'm pretty hard work when it comes to domestic living and sharing spaces. She has a 5 year old son who I see when I spend time with her. I take him fishing and on small hikes around old buildings, castles and ringforts. He loves all that stuff. I tell him the history, and have a son myself he's 21 and his room is like a shop floor. Everything is cataloged, tidy and all where it would be if it was for sale. He works in retail.

I'd say your partner isn't a bad guy, just a man, maybe has that sigma type personality. Does his own thing, knows he loves you. But his expression of love isn't very domestic. Probably emotionally, supportive and understanding, funny and just lazy around the house.

As I said it doesn't sound like it's intentional.

Furze99 · 03-10-2022 9:50pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697455#Comment_119697455

Excuse me - but I did not write "At least there's no violence".

I wrote 'No mention of violence' in the OP's post. As in her spouse seems to be otherwise respectful of her....

Quite a different thing, read more carefully!

WertdeerSC · 03-10-2022 10:17pm

F**k being a doormat to a lazy partner quite frankly. You are right to be at your wit's end.

You should also make it extremely clear that he's to focus on the children when he is with them. I've played Xbox for years, and do you know the only time I play it? When the 2 and 6 year olds are asleep! Like tonight, I may consider a game for an hour.... after I've just prepped the slow cooker which does two nights of dinner for the two days I work away in the office. After I've already cooked dinner for us earlier on, filled the dishwasher, emptied the bins, got the 6yo to bed beforehand. All this BS about 'it's just men' from some men, no, he's a father, has a home, is meant to be a role model, he has responsibilities, he's not a 20 year old with only himself to mind, living like a batcheor. I'd be kicked to the kerb and rightly so. My wife is a SAHM but we both work equally hard in the home but in different ways, you have to, it's not easy with young children.

Ubbquittious · 03-10-2022 10:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697161#Comment_119697161

This is true. If one person has even slightly higher expectations of cleanliness then that person will end up doing nearly all the work

Count Dracula · 03-10-2022 10:29pm

Op it is obvious that you are not happy with your married life and it reads like you don't fancy your husband either?

What a nightmare.

In what way does your child's autism manifest itself as a detriment to loving or caring for your husband? I respect that raising an autistic child will be challenging for your family, but it should not affect how you are attracted to your husband and how you should be caring for him, surely? If anything, this particular challenge should offer your family a chance to develop in a more loving way, it should be bringing you closer to your husband?

The tone of your description of your working life did not endow much enthusiasm, are you happy with your work life balance? On that point, why is your husband and/or you opting to work part time?

You need to try harder with your family as a whole , that includes your kids, your job and your husband. You cannot blame your unhappiness on everything around you. As the matriarch of your family you have a responsibility to nurture and care for it. That task does not stop after the household chores are finished either.

I find it compelling that you are associating your lack of libido on your husbands neglect of his share of the household cleaning, I think an unpacked dishwasher was mentioned? I never have, or will, let a messy kitchen get in the way of my love making? It is not a good enough excuse for you turning off the taps on your sex life. Never ever let a dirty kitchen get in the way of your sex life. Ever. Orgasms and other positive physical emotions are important things and were specifically designed to incentivize your love life, dishwashers should not come into consideration here, empty or full. Dishwashers clean dishes, they should not be influencing your sex life?

sprucemoose · 03-10-2022 10:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697637#Comment_119697637

i think the male thing is a bollox excuse tbh im afraid. im a guy and i can tolerate some level of untidiness but i cant stand people who dont clean up after themselves in a shared space

kylith · 03-10-2022 11:21pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697881#Comment_119697881

My partner is autistic, not my child.

I do not have an issue with my work.

How exactly can I 'try harder' when I'm doing virtually everything 6 days a week?

Maybe it's just me, but I find it very difficult to want ta have sex with someone that I'm angry at.

Drog79 · 03-10-2022 11:39pm

I think you're at the point where anger has so overtaken that there is no empathy.You said it's 'very difficult to want ta have sex with someone that I'm angry at.' I understand that, and in my case empathy helps me see people as more human, fallible and deserving of forgiveness. The rest can come a bit later.

All the man/ autism stuff aside, you should be able to ask for a week off. That's a clear enough instruction. I expect all the dish washing handled, kids played with (phone addiction...can you move that to Lego with kids?), Tidying done. I need that if you want me to be okay.

Hope some of that rings true.

osarusan · 04-10-2022 7:21am

It doesn't sounds like there is much left in the relationship, and I wonder if he wasn't autistic (but everything else was the same) whether you would have left already.

Another thing to bear in mind is that I wouldn't expect to get every second weekend off, as this guy may not show any interest in/capability of parenting.

When you talk to him about this, does he realise that he spends too much time on his phone and that he needs to do more around the house? Or does he not even recognise that?

Faith · 04-10-2022 8:51am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696453#Comment_119696453

Autistic people can and will change when motivated to. That motivation may be "If I do more cleaning, my partner will nag me less and I'll get to play my games uninterrupted", for example. Neurotypical people can be assholes, autistic people can be assholes, some people are just assholes. If someone can change, but refuses to, then that's a them problem, not a neurodivergence issue. Plenty of neurodiverse people successfully run households and raise kids without their partner nagging them every step of the way.

Kylith, you've addressed the autism facet and also clearly stated that you have explained what he needs to do multiple times. This tells us that he's just not listening to you. To think that will suddenly change is only fooling yourself tbh. You've pretty much hinted that your desire to settle and have kids meant that you ignored major red flags early on ("Why am I with him in the first place? He's cute and funny, I was in my late 30s and wanted kids, and I didn't realise even though I should have that he wasn't going to start putting effort in even after the kids were born."). You're coming to accepting that this is just him now, and it doesn't sound that he's actually what you want in a partner now that the goals of your future have changed.

I think @osarusan also makes an interesting point - could you be using the autism as an excuse to stay with him? If he wasn't autistic, would you stay?