Boxed in the face

70swally · 17-10-2022 5:31pm #1

I have been with my girlfriend for about 6 months, however I have known her for many years as we have worked (and still do) together.

We were away at the weekend and there was a bit of drinking with myself, herself and one of her friends. A conversation came up about one of my ex's and there was quite a bit of quizzing. I am still friends with my ex (actually friends with 3 ex's, things dont work out but you can be adult about things)

We headed to bed and she decided to tell me that she didnt like that I was friends with this ex and tried to hit me, I just grabbed her hands and told her to stop and go to bed, I tried to make light of it by tickling her with my other hand. After a few minutes we quit messing about and I was getting ready to go to bed and she caught me with a sucker punch which hit me in the face, the punch pushed my glasses into my face and then they fell on the floor, the lens cut the side of my eye and bruised my check and noise.

I was stunned and left the room until she went asleep, in the morning she had no memory of the incident and wanted to know what we were talking about, in a way implying I wound her up.

I didnt really engage with her on it, other than to say that I was disgusted and that I would never lay a hand on anyone

It is the first time as an adult I have ever been hit like this by anyone. I have said in the past that if a relationship comes to blows its not really worth it but never thought I would be in that situation.

She has apologised and says she is deeply embarassed by it which I dont doubt, but do I put this down to a once off or has a rubicon been crossed? We are due to travel on a business trip with a holiday tagged onto it in a few weeks, work knows we're a couple and have sent us on this trip (we tagged the holiday bit on outselves) so I dont know how I might get out of that.

I dont feel emasculated by this, just extermely disappointed that someone I thought I knew would do something like this.

Really would appreciate the wisdom of the crowd on this.

gameoverdude · 17-10-2022 5:37pm

If it were I, it would be over and done with.

She well remembers and then gaslighting you.

Working together is whole load of problems.

Wanderer78 · 17-10-2022 5:42pm

id definitely be taking a step back, something isnt right there, arguments happen in relationships, but physical altercations, no fcuking way, she clearly has some deep insecurity issues going on there, but you are not her emotional, and definitely not her physical punching bag. she may feel remorse, but id be taking a major step back, and be having a deep rethink on this one, best of luck with things

mojesius · 17-10-2022 5:42pm

There is never a justification for violence in a relationship. Being black out drunk is not an acceptable excuse. This will happen again if you stay with her, she has shown her true colours after only six months. Run and don't walk.

I get that it's awkward you work together, this will be awkward for some time but will eventually get easier. Id keep the work trip if it's business-critical and go alone (maybe change flight and accommodation yourself so you can avoid her as much as possible).

You need to end this now. I've seen people stay in these abusive relationships constantly making excuses for their abuser, with their self-worth and happiness being gradually pole-driven into the ground.

Idle Passerby · 17-10-2022 5:43pm

That would be the end for me. There's no coming back from violence. I don't buy that she forgets it. Even if it is true, do you want to be with someone who launches physical assaults while blacked out and then tries to laugh it off?

wildwillow · 17-10-2022 5:45pm

Once is one time too many. If it were a man doing the hitting no one would advise you to remain in the relationship.

Sort out the work trip ASAP. Relationships break up all the time so only a one day gossip topic. Cancel the holiday part. Be firm but polite in explaining why you cannot continue. Write a letter if you feel unable to discuss it face to face, considering her attitude to the incident.

You have had a narrow escape.

hynesie08 · 17-10-2022 5:46pm

I was stunned and left the room until she went asleep, in the morning she had no memory of the incident and wanted to know what we were talking about, in a way implying I wound her up

She knew exactly what she did and exactly why she did it, do not let her reverse victim you, make her an ex you're not friends with.

gameoverdude · 17-10-2022 5:51pm

I'd also subtly let it known in work.

You'll be the bad guy otherwise if you break up.

Tefral · 17-10-2022 5:55pm

I'm the type of person who trys to weigh up all scenarios before making a decision but hitting would be a red line issue for me. Its only 6 months in man, I'd call it a day personally. I'd say that as someone who would be slow to recommend breaking up relationships.

YellowLead · 17-10-2022 5:56pm

I’m sorry but I don’t see any other logical way to proceed except to break up with her. What she did was completely unacceptable and disgusting. Do you want to be in a relationship or even friends with a violent person??? Do you think that little of yourself. Be done with her, the sooner the better.

Jequ0n · 17-10-2022 6:01pm

Only you know if she was so pissed that she could have forgotten what happened that night. Was she more drunker than ever before? If you think that she genuinely doesn’t remember then you need to have a serious conversation with her and tell her exactly what happened instead or pussyfooting around.

Fwiw I have been hit by a drunk ex before (probably deserved it though). Never something she’d have done sober but she became a whole different person when properly drunk.

mikep · 17-10-2022 6:02pm

I have to agree with those who say to end it.

Violence is unacceptable.

I think you need to tell her that and perhaps suggest she gets help with it

Kaybaykwah · 17-10-2022 6:04pm

Yeah, she just crossed the finish line, IMO. Alcohol is if course the great disinhibitor, or revealer; violence is as others here have stated; non-negotiable. You can imagine if this happened to your child to be…

standardg60 · 17-10-2022 6:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119757406#Comment_119757406

Operative word being 'ex' here.

No hope here OP, she needs to deal with whatever issues she has before she's capable of a relationship.

gmisk · 17-10-2022 6:20pm

Run...physical abuse within 6 months...pretending it didn't happen..christ

handlemaster · 17-10-2022 6:23pm

Does alcohol being our the real character. Anyhow would be gone after that drink or no drink. Then saying she could remember ... BS

Jequ0n · 17-10-2022 6:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119757473#Comment_119757473

It wasn’t the reason why the relationship ended, but it was cause to have her stop drinking because she couldn’t handle it.

Up to the OP to decide.

Strumms · 17-10-2022 6:34pm

Get out of dodge OP... I'd go and not look back..

Loads of people drink and to excess also without assaulting people.

AyeGer · 17-10-2022 6:45pm

Sounds like you like her a lot if you are willing to put up with that. A once off? Maybe but I doubt it.

If it happens again no matter what the reason, end the relationship that very moment.

Hannibal_Smith · 17-10-2022 6:50pm

Not a hope in hell would I continue with that relationship. Its done when one hits the other. She also tried to tell you who not to be friends with and when you reminded her of what happened tried to make out like it was your own fault? It's only six months in - get out now.

17-10-2022 6:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119757332#Comment_119757332

If you did it you’d get a fine or a suspended sentence or something

Count Dracula · 17-10-2022 7:02pm

Break up and explain why. No exceptions, she does not care about you or your welfare, I am sorry you found out this way.

The work angle is a massive problem now. You just should not have relationships with colleagues. Don't screw the crew. Work is hard enough.

If you are worried about her spreading lies and dissing you in work , which she will do btw.... I would threathen her with reporting her assault to the Gards, that should temper her scorn slightly.

Good luck.

thegame983 · 17-10-2022 7:07pm

First, was it a 'proper' punch? You know what I mean, did she deliberately try to hurt you or was it a misguided flail of the arm. There's a difference.

Second, I would take any advice you see here with a pinch of salt. Anytime people ask for relationship advice on this board the response is always almost 'dump him/her' so be wary.

If you believe she deliberately tried to hurt you consider breaking it off.

Confront her, tell her exactly what she did and gauge her reaction. If she is being a bitch about it that would a good reason to consider leaving her.

MoxoM · 17-10-2022 7:09pm

Walk Away. I don’t even understand why this would be a discussion?

17-10-2022 7:09pm

Walk away. And tell her exactly why. She has shown traits of control, jealousy and aggression.

Please do not buy into the "I don't remember" crap or worse the "you must have wound me up" crap. You are not responsible for her reactions, she is.

No one deserves to be assaulted as part of their relationship.

Ask work to amend the travel booking to just the business trip, it shouldn't be an issue. if they ask, just say you are no longer planning staying longer, no more, no less, unless you want to tell them the relationship is over.

17-10-2022 7:09pm

I am so sorry you had this horrible, upsetting experience. I hope you can see it had nothing to do with you.

I would end the relationship now. It's still early days and this is not just a red flag, this is a screaming siren of things to come. Go now and don't look back. I wish you all the very best.

17-10-2022 7:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119757406#Comment_119757406

You didn't deserve it.

littlevillage · 17-10-2022 7:32pm

Had a girlfriend back in the day... she was a bit out of my league soo I was inclined to cut her some slack but she used get very rowdy after a few drinks. Started off with the odd cheeky slap on me on nights out, then one night she threw a hot cup of tea at me, I eventually broke up with her when she tried to run me over with her car after we had a bit of barney and I tried to convince her not to drive home (as she was blotto).

I hope you can see the point I'm making above. This kind of behaviour escalates... starts off with a playful slap.... ends up with you being stabbed in your sleep. Get out NOW!!!

17-10-2022 7:36pm

Dump her immediately and call the Gardai. That’s quite serious assault.

If you continue to treat this as a minor incident it will repeat and she’ll just use more violence to attempt to control you. It will escalate. There’s no question about that.

Do not write this off as a one off incident or make any excuses and don’t analyse it.

She punched you violently in the face, with full intent to do you physical damage. That’s all you need to know about her.

Unfortunately, someone like that isn’t worth wasting your time attempting to deal with.

HBC08 · 17-10-2022 7:45pm

I can understand (to a degree as my ex girlfriend got violent with me when loads of drink involved) It didn't end well but dragged on for years.

I wouldn't necessarily end it over that or the claim that she can't remember. It is of course a major red flag but the fact that she tried to make out that you wound her up is the decision maker for me.Like it's okay she punched you and cut your face up because you wound her up?

Of course it's complicated by your work situation but get rid ASAP.Make sure you have some pics of your face aswell.

Dial Hard · 17-10-2022 8:42pm

I'm not usually a fan of the "what if the genders were reversed" line of thinking that often gets trotted out here, but seriously, OP, get gone. There is literally never an excuse for violence and as others have said, it only ever tends to escalate. Her controlling behaviour was a red flag on its own but you literally have the writing on the wall here.

Glen Immal · 17-10-2022 9:12pm

Hi OP

I-Logged in and scrolled straight to the end to tell you to make her an ex as well… hopefully no further explanation necessary.

893bet · 17-10-2022 9:22pm

Just be glad you are only 6 months deep.

i hope you listen to all the advice here. I always remember these words.

“when someone shows you who they are…….believe them”.

she has shown her hand already.

ahappychappy · 17-10-2022 9:22pm

Sorry this happened to you. You know you have to leave this relationship. Nobody ever has a reason to assault another.

As the saying goes when someone shows you who they are pay attention.

igCorcaigh · 17-10-2022 9:41pm

@70swally,

I spent 17 years of my life in a relationship that was not good for me, or my partner. The violence only came at the end.

The thing I didn't like from day one were the constant getting me do things for him. Collect his laundry, cook his dinner, make tea for everyone when visitors called... and then the embarrassing put downs in front of other people. The shaming. The non ending questioning of myself, from myself, who is right or wrong... I though that I had destroyed his life.

And then the smashing of my head against the ground. But the psychological aspect was the worst.

OP, listen to the good advice from posters on this thread.

Run.

manonboard · 17-10-2022 9:47pm

OP, im sure you've been pissed drunk many times yourself?

You ever hit someone, a loved one especially and not remembered it?

No, it doesnt happen. She remembers it, and lets make this clear.. she tried twice to hit you.. you just happened to diffuse the first situation.

The way she asked what you were saying to wound her up is also extremely scary.

Then making any kind of light of it rather than immediately quitting alcohol, and getting herself into therapy.

I would never raise a hand to my partner.. but IF i did something as terrible as that. I cant see how i wouldnt be taking major steps immediately to fix it. Quitting alcohol, drugs, getting therapy, making sure her friends know so they can hold me accountable, telling my own friends etc.. I want my partner to be safe and sound.. not protecting my ego.

6 months in and you have faced physical violence because YOU manage to keep good relationships with an ex? Crazy OP, make her your next ex but dont remain friends. If i was you, i'd also have at least one conversation over text where you tell her you need to know why she did it etc... so you have some proof of physical violence. Doesnt take much for a person to make an accusation.. especially a person who pretends they dont remember it.

bucketybuck · 17-10-2022 10:19pm

I used to go out with a girl who was a delight when sober, great fun after 2/3 drinks, and then a totally different person after 4/5 drinks.

She would become this completely different person, totally irrational and unpredictable. The sort who would do something completely out of order and then the next day claim no memory of it at all.

No matter how much I liked her eventually I got to dreading any night out. If I was there I would be wondering what would happen. If I wasn't there I would still be wondering what would happen, because I knew she could get up to anything.

It becomes a misery, and since we broke up I feel nothing but relief at no longer having to live on that knife edge of wondering what is going to happen next.

You may not realise yet but you have just started that cycle. Now you will always be waiting for the next slap, waiting for the next outburst. Looking for the signs, and since you can't relax that will feed back into the relationship and it will start to fray which ironically will probably give her a reason to lash out at you.

Play it out if you want, but it never ends well.

Purple Mountain · 17-10-2022 11:07pm

Just to add...it's bad enough that she hit you but she came back to do it when essentially the situation was being defused not in the middle of the adrenaline (still not OK by the way)

She is either abusive or has a serious drink problem or both.

Either way- run.

Spon Farmer · 17-10-2022 11:09pm

Like the poster said at the top of the page, I too scrolled to the the end to say I hope the OP has ended this relationship already.

Larbre34 · 17-10-2022 11:12pm

Done.

Bye bye.

Why? Just imagine the potential consequences if roles were reversed.

New job needed? Sure, why not, do it. Or tell her to.

Done.

Mongfinder General · 17-10-2022 11:55pm

You’re lucky in a way. Not married, no kids, no assets together. Imagine being 5 years down the line with this crazy? The stress would be unbearable.

Work will sort itself out. One of you will eventually move on. Just swerve her as much as possible.

18-10-2022 12:08am

brother I’d never tell someone to end a relationship with a person they really are quite fond of— but this wasn’t just a wee angry slap, she absolutely burst you. Your glasses were knocked off your face and you were cut to bits in the process, if a friend did this would you stay friends?

Work will be awkward for a bit, nothing you can do. It’s up to you if you want to tell superiors the reason or just keep it at you broke up. If you don't just make sure to keep it to close friends if you do share so it doesn’t end up back to management from someone else who may make a hack of the real story and cause more drama.

all I can really say otherwise is good luck OP.

Victor · 18-10-2022 12:41am

Take a photo of your injury / any damage.

I would suggest that you sit down with a trusted family member or friend and talk this out. You need to consider exiting the relationship and you also need to decide what to do about the work trip. You should flag with your employer if there is a risk of problems on the trip - problems that not only involve your relationship, but also your job and your employer's good will.

I very much understand the people saying run. If you stay, then there has to be no drinking at all and there has to be couples counselling. And of course, no violence.

RabbleRouser2k · 18-10-2022 12:51am

Dump her. If she gets jealous over an ex, imagine what she'd do if you had a child, and the child preferred you?

She'll blame the drink this time, then blame you the next. There'll always be an excuse. Yet never take responsibility herself.

She's got issues.

18-10-2022 1:02am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119758937#Comment_119758937

Sorry but why should OP spend money for couples counselling after six months?

Senature · 18-10-2022 7:10am

So sorry OP.

Definitely walk away. Don't wait. I personally wouldn't bother with long chats or explanations, you don't owe her anything after what she's done.

Take photos.

Start job hunting.

Don't get caught up in the confusion. Was it because she was drunk, was it because you annoyed her talking about your ex, but she's so nice otherwise, she doesn't remember etc. You know all you need to know to leave and not let your life go down this path.

Your job now is to protect yourself, and your future self from this happening ever again. That's your responsibility, not hers. There is no guarantee she can offer you now that can be relied on.

SAMTALK · 18-10-2022 8:21am

If you stay with her it might not happen for another year or 2 but then you are deep into the relationship.

another few years and a child or mortgage, gets more difficult to walk away.

I have had my fair share of nights when I have drank too much but have never felt the urge to punch anyone.

18-10-2022 8:44am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119758883#Comment_119758883

I'd add that the OP would be the one being reported for domestic violence to that list.

ELM327 · 18-10-2022 8:46am

Leave as fast as you can.

BBM77 · 18-10-2022 8:59am

OP, end it now, it's that simple.

notAMember · 18-10-2022 9:04am

Zero tolerance for violence, domestic abuse, assault in any relationship. This wasn't a jokey tickling turned into hurting someone or a misinterpretation of some game. This was a deliberate angry punch in the face. If it was placed even slightly differently, you could have lost sight in an eye, or lost a tooth, or been knocked down a flight of stairs and broken your neck.

Leave this relationship immediately. No ifs, ands or buts. If you can stomach the argument, make it clear to her why as well, so she doesn't feel this is tolerable in any other relationship in future.

Make sure you protect yourself here too when you exit, reputationally and physically. Do tell one or two friends what happened, and that you intend to break up with her.

Boxed in the face

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