Boxed in the face

18-10-2022 9:06am

Mod Note

@85603 I have deleted your post. Please familiarise yourself with the charter before posting again in P.I.

Hilda

GavPJ · 18-10-2022 9:14am

Leave and do it ASAP.

witchgirl26 · 18-10-2022 9:20am

There are accidents where one partner hits another during a play fight or in their sleep (my brother ended up with a black eye due to a narrow bed & his wife turning over in her sleep) but the argument was over per your account when she came back & deliberately hit you. It doesn't have had to be a "proper" punch as someone asked or a flail of an arm. She deliberately did it.

I think it shows great maturity that you were able to stay friends with some exes. I know I have with a couple. There's no hope I'd ever go back there but we ended on good terms so we've stayed friends. I think anyone who has an issue with this, it's their issue & not the partners. It shows their insecurity in themselves. Well unless your ex is in your life everyday & imposing but I don't get that impression.

Get out. Violence that leaves you with injuries like that is never excusable. Drunk is not an excuse. Many a man in Ireland used that excuse for hitting his wife in times gone by. It wasn't right then, it isn't right now. I would explain to her what happened & what she did. I wouldn't let her off lightly on this at all in that regards. Someone who loves you does not cause you harm like that.

thefallingman · 18-10-2022 9:21am

Funny if it was the other way around you'd probably be in jail. Op i'd run a mile this behaviour is dangerous, could you honestly see a future with kids with this person, god knows what she'd do.

Seth Brundle · 18-10-2022 9:24am

It seems to have been lost in the flow but she didn't just punch you. She tried it before punching you before she hit you...

We headed to bed and she decided to tell me that she didnt like that I was friends with this ex and tried to hit me, I just grabbed her hands and told her to stop and go to bed, I tried to make light of it by tickling her with my other hand. After a few minutes we quit messing about and I was getting ready to go to bed and she caught me with a sucker punch which hit me in the face, the punch pushed my glasses into my face and then they fell on the floor, the lens cut the side of my eye and bruised my check and noise.

So she went for you but missed and then a short while later went for you again. So she obviously was still fuming away while you started getting ready. It wasn't a one-off.

If someone did that to your mother/sister/friend, what would you say?

18-10-2022 9:53am

Would be getting the skates on were I in your position

murphthesmurf · 18-10-2022 12:25pm

"I don't remember"

"if I did do it you must have really wound me up"

Hit her and see how far this defence will get you in court.

She's full of s**t! She remembers. It definitely won't be the last.

Get out!

18-10-2022 12:30pm

Though there are exceptions, this is likely to recur under any similar circumstance, ie combination of rapid alcohol ingestion and even casual mention of something she doesn’t like. It becomes easier for her to do it again, once she did it once. More especially as she didn’t express remorse quickly, and it is likely she would have some recollection. Though it is possible that a very rapid ingestion of alcohol can cause a memory blackout, there is more often a recollection of the bit before, the build up of enormous anger such that she would know she likely had behaved very badly.

She needs now to be an ex, and go and address her issues if she wants to.

dontmindme · 18-10-2022 12:55pm

You're only six months in although I appreciate you know her longer and how it's complicated by you working together. You now know her a little more now than you did previously. She has serious issues not to mention possibly being alcoholic. She physically lashed out and hurt you. Really, you already know what the answer is. Wish her well and goodbye.

JupiterKid · 18-10-2022 3:32pm

Leave this abusive and violent person, OP. No ifs or buts.

It will only get worse if you stay and she has shown her true self to you already - someone who is quick to physically assault their partner due to intense jealousy only 6 months into the relationship.

dbas · 18-10-2022 3:40pm

This isn't even something to question OP.

Walk away now, and tell your side of the story to some key people who know you/ you both very well.

Get ahead of any toxic **** story that may come out of the blue after you end this.

consider this a hard lesson learned. My mate is divorcing a woman he's been married to for ten years. It started out as her nagging him incessantly and ended with her throwing plates/ punches at him.

Whether or not you stay friends is your choice, but the relationship in whatever guise will never be the same again.

murphthesmurf · 18-10-2022 3:53pm

As others said, take photos.

This could turn nasty quickly.

"he came at me, I was just defending myself" etc

gameoverdude · 18-10-2022 4:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119761368#Comment_119761368

I hate to say it, but get your side out first.

Also when this goes further south, and it will, have your cv ready.

It's crap, but more than likely you won't have many on your side if you breakup. I really hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

Sorry for all the grief you got. Once is once too much.

Big Bag of Chips · 18-10-2022 6:25pm

My brother was going out with "a really nice girl" a few years ago. Bit moody occasionally but nothing particularly out of the ordinary. New years eve/night he was lying on the couch about 2am and a generic "Happy New year" text came through on his phone from an ex gf of about 3 years. Clearly a "send to all" type text.

He didn't even see the text. His phone was on the table. His gf saw the text and threw the phone at his head saying "Wtf is this". Next morning he moved out and never went back.

I suggest you have a similar response. She might beg and plead and apologise, but leaving will be the best lesson you ever teach her. She might realise not to behave like that in her next relationship.

Don't stay with her out of embarrassment, or awkwardness of having to explain to work. I assume you have a mark on your face. Are work colleagues not asking what happened? If I were you I'd have a word with your direct supervisor, tell them you were assaulted by a member of staff and you will not be travelling for the away trip. Let them sort it out whatever way they wish. But do not go away with her just to save face, or her embarrassment. She's proves she doesn't actually care.

rob316 · 18-10-2022 6:57pm

Doesn't matter if it's drink or not involved, abusive people are abusive people. My demeanour doesn't change if I'm sober or drunk.

If the shoe was on the other foot and you clattered her everyone would tell her run for the hills. This should be no different.

Jequ0n · 18-10-2022 7:10pm

Don’t mention that you were assaulted by a member of staff. By all means end the relationship if you want, but don’t make this a work issue. No need to escalate matters if you just want to wrap this up.

gameoverdude · 18-10-2022 7:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119762018#Comment_119762018

Concur. You can't go away.

Business and pleasure is not my thing, but it is was it is now.

Get your word in immediately and advice above is correct in my mind. No extra days or her not going on the trip.

It's not cool to say the least. I'm way bigger than my future wife and I'd feel guilty even giving her a cross look and she'd never dream of assaulting me. And it was assault.

micar · 18-10-2022 7:52pm

My experience.....many years ago, i started seeing a girl I worked with.....after a night out we headed back to her place.

She was fairly new to Dublin while I had lived in Dublin for years.

She was more drunk than I was.

We got taxi from town to her place in kilmainham.

For some reason, she convinced herself that the taxi drove up the quays on the northside of the river. I remember telling her that we didn't (and couldn't have) and that we travelled up on the southside of the river.

At the front door, she turned around and slapped me fully force across the face.

I was in complete shock.....She was apologetic.

I should have walked away but I really liked her.

I always put her first but I was way down on her list.

We eventually broke up 3.5 years later. She cheated on me multiple times, was a compulsive liar, selfish and owed me €10k which was an struggle to get back.

I wish to God that I had walked away.

gameoverdude · 18-10-2022 8:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119762444#Comment_119762444

I hope you don't take offence micar, but don't be eejits like us. violence neveris never a solution. It's not complicated. Being a punching bag is not cool, to say the least.

It's your life. Do what you want. You're already in bad territory. Talk to your line manger and/or hr. Get your story out first.

urgentcell · 20-10-2022 3:16am

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I like the others think you should walk and fast. I would take an image of the photo and confide in someone with digital proof of this conversation conversation.

Then I'd end the relationship in a public space, like a coffee shop so you can go home easily and there can be no physical altercation or misunderstandings.

She absolutely remembers what she did. Even if she didn't she's still blaming you for winding her up, as if there is ever an excuse for punching

Also of the punching thing isn't enough for you to walk away maybe the drinking should be. She drank so much that she can't "remember" a violent assault she committed.

Three major red flags:

1. Violence

2. Alcoholic

3. Victim blaming

You'll have to mange work somehow, that is pretty tricky situation for you. I'd simply inform work that the relationship has ended and try stay away from her if you can.

Best of luck

TheadoreT · 20-10-2022 6:41am

Alas, statistically people usually don't walk away after the 1st/2nd/3rd ect hiding from their partner. OP don't get caught in this spiral, you'll end up a broken man. There's life after domestic violence.

triddles · 20-10-2022 6:53am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119757374#Comment_119757374

That's a shockingly bad idea. Do not back this lunatic into a corner.

ManOfMystery · 20-10-2022 11:37am

Absolutely dealbreaker for me.

There's no excuse for it, alcohol or not. Many of us can have a drink and not resort to attacking people. I hope by this stage you've shown her the door OP.

Purple Mountain · 20-10-2022 5:21pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119762174#Comment_119762174

I always use this analogy about people using being drunk as an excuse for their behaviour, especially cheating.

If they say they were so drunk they didn't know what they were doing/don't remember..I ask, you know the difference between your sexual orientation when drunk, ie. I'm a woman who likes men, I'd never in my most drunken state have a physical encounter with a woman.

My point is..even drunk, people know a right from wrong action. They just have the short sightedness not to care about the consequences.

70swally · 20-10-2022 5:50pm

Thank you all for your comments I really appreciate it.

I suppose the best way to describe my mind set at the moment is stunned, we're both in our 40s so marriage, kids etc wasnt high on either of our agendas.

But I am still in a state of shock about all of this, I have never been in a relationship where anyone resorted to hitting. I always said to myself that if I ever felt such fustration with some that I would hit them then I would just walk away.

She has been in contact and is exteremly contrite about the whole situation, taking the blame and saying it was inexcusable. I havent answered, I suppose because I am still shocked.

Lots of food for thought here folks, and certainly confirms my initial thoughts. Again thank you all for the comments it is quite reassuring.

gameoverdude · 20-10-2022 9:19pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119769097#Comment_119769097

I just believe a subtle mention will cover their behind to a certain extent. They won't win. As I said previously, no harm polishing up the auld cv.

Big Bag of Chips · 20-10-2022 9:34pm

She has been in contact and is exteremly contrite about the whole situation, taking the blame and saying it was inexcusable.

So is she now admitting that she does in fact remember? And knew exactly what she was doing?

She said it herself, it's inexcusable. Do don't make or take any excuses. It'll be a good lesson for her.

gameoverdude · 20-10-2022 9:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119772978#Comment_119772978

I agree and disagree with your post.

It's good they sent the message (save it op), but they have learned no lesson. They're auld and bould enough at this stage. I imagine it's not their first rodeo.

They assaulted you. Plain and simple. Next time could be worse

20-10-2022 9:54pm

You need to redefine your boundaries and your dealbreakers. Get out now. She punched you now and drunk or sober there is no condoning this. Next time it could be a knife or a broken bottle she attacks you with. If you stay with her you are rewarding this behaviour and she'll think that you are a walkover. Its tough to walk from a relationship you've invested time in, but when violence enters a relationship, its a major red flag.

20-10-2022 10:01pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119772978#Comment_119772978

She'll do it again. It could be worse this time. you might have to defend yourself and what if she gets a scrape and you come out unscathed?? She then can play the victim and there is no doubting that this girl is dangerous. Keep a record of her messages if i were you. Finish the relationship and dont engage with her further. Change work hours if you need to and confide in a close colleague who you trust

Get out of psychoville now. If you dont, you'll show you have no boundaries whatsover so its open season for her and she can blame it all on drink. When you are so deep in the relationship, she wont even need drink as an excuse. 3.5 billion women in the world. Most wont assault you violently id imagine (although there is a growing amount of lunatics out there)

20-10-2022 10:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119761451#Comment_119761451

Sadly its the reality of the situation. He wont have many on his side but weathering the storm is better than staying in the belly of the beast

YellowLead · 20-10-2022 10:27pm

I was in a violent relationship- of course the other person was (after a period of time) all apologetic and excuse used was drink and it won’t happen again…it just got worse and worse and now I know to run at the first hint of it (though thankfully most people aren’t violent so I haven’t encountered it again).

Its only a 6 month relationship! Why are you considering staying - please don’t stay on it because you are lonely or think nobody else will have you! She’s full of **** and knows FULL well nobody will put up with that crap which is why she is laying it on thick now. Don’t be the eejit that falls for it and lives a life of misery because you are dragged into hers. You don’t share a house or kids yet - get out while it’s easy!

Tork · 20-10-2022 11:27pm

She's contrite. Whoopee-doo🙄 This was almost inevitable and if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't put great value on it. When you mentioned that you were both in your 40s, my first thought was "Has she done this before?". It's a question you'll probably never get an answer to but I'm sure it has crossed your mind. Even if you choose to resume the relationship, this attack will always be there in the background. Ask yourself this: do you foresee yourself changing your behaviour to avoid something like this happening again? Will you be taking off your glasses so you don't get another whack when you're in bed? Will you be careful not to text an ex if you think she'll spot a reply coming in? How do you feel about being around her when she has drink taken? Do you think something like this will happen again? If you answer "yes" to any of these, I think you know what to do.

Hannibal_Smith · 21-10-2022 6:38am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119771929#Comment_119771929

It's good that you've created space with her.

She's apologising now she realises how seriously you're taking it, not because she's at all sorry. Just remember how she behaved the next morning - that's the truth of it. She ignored how you felt then. Tried to make light of it and in fact tried to make you feel like it was your own fault.

Whatever the good points in the relationship you might be trying to convince yourself exist - it's not worth it. It's really really not.

Panthro · 21-10-2022 6:46am

Block all forms of contact with her OP and run for the hills. Do it now and don't give it another second to consider.

It's over, done. Forget about her.

Sweet Talkin Romeo · 21-10-2022 8:09am

keep a dossier OP

write down every time she shouts/threatens/assaults/attempts to assault you again

she knows right well what she did - likely she has a few texts etc, that could be ambiguously interpreted - painting you as the bad guy

that's how that calibre roll

kick her to t'kerb OP

or go out with her again, in public, with copious amounts of booze taken by both parties - if she tries to wind you up, ignore her in the moment; later, when she tries it again, just laugh or smirk back at her - cue the mayhem; won't be no one in any doubt as to who the unhinged party is

likely she's telling her equally sick friends about all she can do to you - and get away with it - and her and her crew, meanwhile, ensure the blame gets latched on to you

Jequ0n · 21-10-2022 8:37am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119773762#Comment_119773762

Ignore the whole second part of this post, OP.

vinniem · 21-10-2022 9:58am

Hi OP, really feel your torment. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and all I can say is she will do it again and again!! She is an unstable individual. My advise is run, but whatever you do.. best of luck!

Dial Hard · 21-10-2022 10:19am

OP, it's very, very rare for a thread in this forum to achieve consensus, but that's what you have here - literally all the advice has been for you to leave the relationship immediately. Yet it sounds like you're reluctant to make that decision for some reason.

Please, please, please walk away today. I can 100% guarantee you that this isn't a once-off.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-10-2022 11:19am

Tork makes an excellent point. Somebody doesn't just become the kind of person who full on punches someone in the face, for a fairly innocuous reason, in their 40s. She's been here before. I'm in my 40s I'd be horrified at the thoughts of punching anyone. Let alone a person I'm supposed to be happily in a relationship with.

She deals with things she doesn't like by lashing out. She's let you know that now. It will happen again.

I would continue to ignore her messages. Silence is a sufficient response. It's not like she's going to be left wondering what happened and why you're ignoring her.

Tork · 21-10-2022 11:33am

I get the impression you're going to stay in this relationship, sadly. I don't know you but already I've compiled a list of reasons why staying is the handier option. It's the path of least resistance and it'll get you out of the tricky corner you're in. And as you know already, dating in your 40s is an interesting experience. Getting with somebody you thought you knew well probably seemed like the answer to your prayers.

None of this can take away from the irrefutable facts here. She attacked you, twice. Her initial reaction is the one to pay attention to, not the remorse when she realised that she was boarding the train back to Singleville. I have no doubt that if you speak to her about this, there'll be tears and promises that it won't happen again yadda yadda yadda. But the Rubicon has been crossed - can you ever trust her again? Really?

Sunny Disposition · 21-10-2022 11:54am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119771929#Comment_119771929

You definitely need to end that relationship immediately. If I were you I'd do it by text and then block her immediately. I don't know if leaving the job is an option, and for sure you shouldn't have to, but don't ever be alone with her again.

angela1711 · 21-10-2022 12:20pm

It's a though one. I am a completely different person when properly drunk I wil say stuff that I would have never said sober. I was hit twice maybe during a proper drinking session and never ended the relationship because of it. I do believe that there is a level of intoxication after which you do not control yourself. Now if someone had hit me while sober that would be a completely different story. Only you know what kind of a person she is.

Dial Hard · 21-10-2022 12:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119774806#Comment_119774806

Anyone who finds they have a level of intoxication at which their personality entirely changes should quit drinking altogether, imo.

I have a very wide circle of friends and family that I have seen at all levels of drunkenness (and vice versa) and I genuinely don't know anyone whose demeanour or personality completely changes. Everyone I know just becomes a bit "more than" - a bit louder, flirtier, more outgoing etc.

Someone who hits you drunk will eventually do it sober. There is literally no excuse for violence, ever.

Idle Passerby · 21-10-2022 1:37pm

I don't see how her being contrite now has any relevance to the situation. She still physically attacked you. Whether she's sorry doesn't change that. For any sane person that's a line in the sand situation.

yourdeadwright · 21-10-2022 1:43pm

Could you just imagine the fall out if that had of been you that hit her,

Your whole life would be ruined & everyone & there dog would say you deserve it,

Imagine out of reflex you punched her back again it would be your life pulled apart & ruined ,

Get out now , God bye & good riddance , She'll make you her bitch if you don't,

Im sorry but women like that are vile.,

GavPJ · 21-10-2022 2:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119775332#Comment_119775332

Exactly. They are pure vile. Get shot of her or this will come back on you, she will be looked on as the victim

and the tables turned on you. Too many crazy women out there that give ladies a bad name.

yourdeadwright · 21-10-2022 2:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119775537#Comment_119775537

If it was the other way around we wouldn't even need this conversations,

Also with little or no reasons imagine in the future what she'll be like, Life's tough even the greatest relationship get strained at times, what will see do then ,

Guys don't realise if you let this go it then can quickly become the norm, it may not be striking you but no question you'll be seen as a push over & spoke too like **** & expected to put up with it, Set your stall out early ,

gameoverdude · 21-10-2022 3:43pm

Respect yourself. You deserve better.

I can see from your posts you're still in the wtf just happend mode! Extridate yourself carefully from this situation as you work together.

I do wish you the best. Just be cognizant that you may not "win". Crap situation, but we're all here to listen if you need to chat/rant.

Schnooks · 21-10-2022 5:04pm

OP I (male, 6'1", generally able to handle myself) was in a longterm relationship with a woman who sounds very like what you described. The anger would come out when drink was taken. I was always on edge on nights out as I never knew when she would take a notion to slam her drink on the table, or throw it in my face, and storm off. When I used to follow her, I'd get a kick in the shins, or a slap or full punch to the face on occasion. I only ever restrained her, never touched her otherwise.

But it got me down over the years. She very rarely apologised for her beahviour and i was ashamed of the way she was when we were out. She made quite a scene at my brother's wedding, I should have finished it after that. I suppose you could say I was emasculated. In the end she dumped me, so all my attempts to fix her were a waste of time anyway. I had spent years trying to convince myself that it was just a temporary bad situation and spent my whole time making excuses for her, as she could be very ignorant towards some of my friends and family (never using their names, walking past them on the street, things like that).

I'm not trying to tell you that your gf is like this after 1 incident, or that you should dump her. Only you can decide that for yourself. But it does sound bad that she sucker-punched you out of nowhere after the situation was supposedly defused. It sounds like she was going to get that punch in no matter what, and I would wager it's not her first time either. That sort of reaction has to be practiced. Trust me, I am speaking from unfortunate experience.

All I can tell you from my own experience is that I wish I had run a mile after I received my first punch or kick to the shins. I would have saved myself alot of heartache, embarassment, shame, expense, mental anguish and loss of dignity.

Best of luck whatever you decide. You are getting good advice here.

Boxed in the face

Comments