Boxed in the face

Tork · 21-10-2022 12:33pm

I get the impression you're going to stay in this relationship, sadly. I don't know you but already I've compiled a list of reasons why staying is the handier option. It's the path of least resistance and it'll get you out of the tricky corner you're in. And as you know already, dating in your 40s is an interesting experience. Getting with somebody you thought you knew well probably seemed like the answer to your prayers.

None of this can take away from the irrefutable facts here. She attacked you, twice. Her initial reaction is the one to pay attention to, not the remorse when she realised that she was boarding the train back to Singleville. I have no doubt that if you speak to her about this, there'll be tears and promises that it won't happen again yadda yadda yadda. But the Rubicon has been crossed - can you ever trust her again? Really?

Sunny Disposition · 21-10-2022 12:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119771929#Comment_119771929

You definitely need to end that relationship immediately. If I were you I'd do it by text and then block her immediately. I don't know if leaving the job is an option, and for sure you shouldn't have to, but don't ever be alone with her again.

angela1711 · 21-10-2022 1:20pm

It's a though one. I am a completely different person when properly drunk I wil say stuff that I would have never said sober. I was hit twice maybe during a proper drinking session and never ended the relationship because of it. I do believe that there is a level of intoxication after which you do not control yourself. Now if someone had hit me while sober that would be a completely different story. Only you know what kind of a person she is.

Dial Hard · 21-10-2022 1:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119774806#Comment_119774806

Anyone who finds they have a level of intoxication at which their personality entirely changes should quit drinking altogether, imo.

I have a very wide circle of friends and family that I have seen at all levels of drunkenness (and vice versa) and I genuinely don't know anyone whose demeanour or personality completely changes. Everyone I know just becomes a bit "more than" - a bit louder, flirtier, more outgoing etc.

Someone who hits you drunk will eventually do it sober. There is literally no excuse for violence, ever.

Idle Passerby · 21-10-2022 2:37pm

I don't see how her being contrite now has any relevance to the situation. She still physically attacked you. Whether she's sorry doesn't change that. For any sane person that's a line in the sand situation.

yourdeadwright · 21-10-2022 2:43pm

Could you just imagine the fall out if that had of been you that hit her,

Your whole life would be ruined & everyone & there dog would say you deserve it,

Imagine out of reflex you punched her back again it would be your life pulled apart & ruined ,

Get out now , God bye & good riddance , She'll make you her bitch if you don't,

Im sorry but women like that are vile.,

GavPJ · 21-10-2022 3:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119775332#Comment_119775332

Exactly. They are pure vile. Get shot of her or this will come back on you, she will be looked on as the victim

and the tables turned on you. Too many crazy women out there that give ladies a bad name.

yourdeadwright · 21-10-2022 3:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119775537#Comment_119775537

If it was the other way around we wouldn't even need this conversations,

Also with little or no reasons imagine in the future what she'll be like, Life's tough even the greatest relationship get strained at times, what will see do then ,

Guys don't realise if you let this go it then can quickly become the norm, it may not be striking you but no question you'll be seen as a push over & spoke too like **** & expected to put up with it, Set your stall out early ,

gameoverdude · 21-10-2022 4:43pm

Respect yourself. You deserve better.

I can see from your posts you're still in the wtf just happend mode! Extridate yourself carefully from this situation as you work together.

I do wish you the best. Just be cognizant that you may not "win". Crap situation, but we're all here to listen if you need to chat/rant.

Schnooks · 21-10-2022 6:04pm

OP I (male, 6'1", generally able to handle myself) was in a longterm relationship with a woman who sounds very like what you described. The anger would come out when drink was taken. I was always on edge on nights out as I never knew when she would take a notion to slam her drink on the table, or throw it in my face, and storm off. When I used to follow her, I'd get a kick in the shins, or a slap or full punch to the face on occasion. I only ever restrained her, never touched her otherwise.

But it got me down over the years. She very rarely apologised for her beahviour and i was ashamed of the way she was when we were out. She made quite a scene at my brother's wedding, I should have finished it after that. I suppose you could say I was emasculated. In the end she dumped me, so all my attempts to fix her were a waste of time anyway. I had spent years trying to convince myself that it was just a temporary bad situation and spent my whole time making excuses for her, as she could be very ignorant towards some of my friends and family (never using their names, walking past them on the street, things like that).

I'm not trying to tell you that your gf is like this after 1 incident, or that you should dump her. Only you can decide that for yourself. But it does sound bad that she sucker-punched you out of nowhere after the situation was supposedly defused. It sounds like she was going to get that punch in no matter what, and I would wager it's not her first time either. That sort of reaction has to be practiced. Trust me, I am speaking from unfortunate experience.

All I can tell you from my own experience is that I wish I had run a mile after I received my first punch or kick to the shins. I would have saved myself alot of heartache, embarassment, shame, expense, mental anguish and loss of dignity.

Best of luck whatever you decide. You are getting good advice here.

TheadoreT · 21-10-2022 6:12pm

OP it's a little concerning you're not seeing this with the clarity others here are but unfortunately thats completely common for domestic abuse victims. There are specialist organisations to support male survivors and I think you could benefit from reaching out to some experts in this area linked below.

https://www.safeireland.ie/get-help/information-for-male-victims/

JoChervil · 22-10-2022 1:51am

OP I understand your struggle. But she is a dangerous person. She very likely has issues coming as far back as to her childhood. She very likely never dealt with her anger. She suppressed it. She was probably not allowed to show it.

So in her normal state she wants to be good, that's why it is so hard for you to leave her. I believe she might not remember her actions. Which is even worse, because she can't control them. They are out of her conscious mind. Some people don't even need to be drunk to not remember their bad behaviour. They have this "better" image of themselves, which doesn't include their outbursts, so they just black them out. That's why they are dangerous. They are able to commit nasty things because they are out of control of their conscious mind.

She needs to integrate her dark side. She needs to become aware of it and start taking control over it. At her current state she is a threat to you and to herself as well. I would only consider staying in touch with her, if she undergoes serious therapy. But you know her only 6 months, so it shouldn't be your problem to fix her.

At least she accepted, that she did it. But is it a true admission or a way of getting back on track with you?

Anyway, I would be out. Person in her 40-ties should be able to take responsibility of her own life. You would help her the best, if you forced her to face the consequences of her actions and then deal with them.

turfthrower · 23-10-2022 12:41pm

I haven't read the whole thread, but I wanted to contribute this: as a society and a species, we understand very well that alcohol is a disinhibitor, but we also know that it doesn't make people do anything they don't want to do. This is why being drunk isn't accepted as a mitigating factor in a criminal defence anywhere in the world. (To the best of my knowledge anyway.)

You can't get off committing a crime by saying you were drunk. Provably mentally ill, yes, but drunk, no. You still are held accountable. There's a lesson there I think. Also, in my personal experience, the idea of 'blacking out' and not remembering anything about the night before is pretty rare.

A lot of questionable behaviour has been excused over the years by people saying 'I was so drunk I can't remember what happened." It does happen but it's much more likely the person knows what they did and is embarrassed or ashamed.

Thelonious Monk · 24-10-2022 4:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119776282#Comment_119776282

I think I used to go out with this girl, I had almost a word for word exact same experience with someone for a couple of years. I still kick myself for not legging it the first time she started slapping me in the head because I told a female friend she looked well earlier in the night. I doubt she has even a smidgeon of remorse because they're either in denial of their behaviour or somehow justify it and blame everything else but themselves. Going out with someone that doesn't have all these crazy issues makes you realise people should never ever get away with this kind of behaviour.

70swally · 24-10-2022 11:38pm

Thank you all for the input, the wisdom of the crowd has been very helpful.

We met yesterday for a coffee and a chat and it's done

We discussed what happened, she says she deeply embarrassed and it never happened before.

I did say that it was unacceptable and that if the roles were reversed their would be a very different conversation and probably with the gardai

We've agreed to be civil in work and stay out of each others way.

Again thank you for all your comments, and I appreciate the kindness of strangers

Senature · 24-10-2022 11:43pm

Really relieved to hear you have ended the relationship. Wishing you all the best.

vinniem · 25-10-2022 7:53am

You did the right thing op, best of luck!

4shameee · 25-10-2022 8:00am

Well done man.

Purple Mountain · 25-10-2022 8:25am

Make sure you have a support network handy now, OP. Have you friend or family you trust with this?

You need to get able to talk this through and be listened to and given the support you deserve.

Tombo2001 · 25-10-2022 8:54am

The thing here, she probably did you a favour - emotional abuse is subtle and can go on for years without the injured party ever fully realising they are in abusive or controlling relationship. Physical abuse is a lot more clearcut, everyone knows its not on. Anyone who doesnt has some personality issues.

25-10-2022 9:09am

Can I ask how you are going to handle the work trip/holiday.

BTW, good choice to end the personal relationship.

Sunny Disposition · 25-10-2022 12:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119789476#Comment_119789476

The right move for sure, don't ever go back. I hope you have some people close to that you've told about this.

GavPJ · 25-10-2022 1:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119790833#Comment_119790833

Exactly. Great move getting away from this nasty piece of work.

She will do it again to someone so keep your ears open. (Hopefully I am wrong)

Wanderer78 · 25-10-2022 1:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119789476#Comment_119789476

look after yourself, tbh i suspect theres deeper emotional issues going on there, that probably requires professional help, but thats her problem now

dbas · 25-10-2022 6:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119789476#Comment_119789476

Well done to you.

Now tell your story to someone in work with influence, and discretion.

If they hear a story that contradicts yours they'll let you know

Wanderer78 · 25-10-2022 6:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119792449#Comment_119792449

just leave it go, theres probably deeper issues at play here

dbas · 25-10-2022 6:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119792467#Comment_119792467

That's why I said what I said.

Wanderer78 · 25-10-2022 6:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119792483#Comment_119792483

attempting to shame a person with possible psychological issues, is not a good approach, just leave it to the professionals

dbas · 25-10-2022 6:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119792493#Comment_119792493

That's a warped and judgemental perception of my advice in fairness. And pretty condescending.

Jumping to the defence of someone who punched someone in the face in a spiteful jealous rage says a lot about you.

I said tell one discreet person with influence this story. This person will keep their mouth shut, and should they ever hear lies said about the OP they have his back, and his good name will be kept intact.

tayto lover · 25-10-2022 6:25pm

You'll soon be inundated with calls, texts etc. Throw your phone in the river and get a new one. She'll try any and every means to get back with you so you're going to have a battle on your hands to end this for good. Be prepared for anything because when the softly softly approaches don't work she'll show her true colours and they won't be nice.

Stay away from her and have absolutely no contact with her or the people she sends to talk to you.

Boxed in the face

Comments