He is an alcoholic and I’m pregnant again. What to do ?

madonna123 · 29-10-2022 8:54am #1

I need some advise fast … I don’t mind if you have experience in this situation or not , I just need to see things from the outside looking in

I am in my late 30’s and I am 8 weeks pregnant. The father is a chronic and abusive alcoholic. We have a 16 month old child already.

Things started out ok, he drank socially and sometimes things got overboard. I found out a year into the relationship he had issues with alcoholism in the past and he had been to rehab twice before.

When we got pregnant his drinking escalated and continued that way until he went back into rehab again 6 months ago.

He stayed sober for 10 weeks and things are right back to the same now.

He disappears for days on end, never shows up to take child when I have appointments or if I have to work while she’s sick and can’t go to childcare.

When he does show up he is abusive, blaming me, then picks her up so he can shout at me and I can’t shout back.

He rarely contributes financially to the home or our daughter.

It all seems clean cut .. leave him BUT This is where I’m so caught up.. I’m 8 weeks pregnant and I so badly would like to have another child.

I work full time and am trying to build up my career , climb the ladder a little , I am studying for a professional qualification.

My mother had an illness several years, she now has an acquired brain injury, no short term or long term memory , I have to help out a little with her care and In turn I don’t have her to help me out with anything anymore.

I have some family that live not too far away but none are really in a position to help out with my daughter.

I am trying to buy my home I share with daughters father, owned by his sister but it’s proving almost impossible trying to save and get approval while I am the sole income in the home and paying for everything.

My life has literally become working full time Monday to Friday, crèche pick up / drop off , home dinner , bath , bed. The all weekend it’s just me and my daughter.

I rarely see anyone or do anything

Between trying to save for mortgage and not having anyone around.

Somedays it would be amazing if he just showed up and looked after her for an hour so I could go do something or just sit on my own in silence.

I have had to cancel so many plans from him not showing up my friends are starting to drift.

People say , join a class , go to a group to help but who minds the child ? I can’t afford a babysitter and family are sometimes available but not regularly or at weekends.

So my question is .. do I have the second child ? Would my life become even worse? Would we end up in basic poverty?

Is it fair to bring another child into the world that will grow up with a father that’s an alcoholic?

I am very much aware of issues around the effects of alcoholic parents on children , and this is something that really worries me.

It’s very hard to see anything from the outside right now , I’m so stuck inside the dark hole I’m lost

sniperman · 29-10-2022 9:14am

i lived with an abusive alcoholic for 34 years,i never drank,she was barred from the house after a knife attack on me,anyway i wont go into details,im now on my own for 3 years,as for your post,ill just say these 2 things,first,no child should have to go through life living with an alcoholic or drug addict,2,better living alone than with the wrong person..you come across as as good person,dont throw your life away on a drunk

Jequ0n · 29-10-2022 9:19am

I think you need to accept that you will be a single parent to either one or two children in the long run. By the sounds of it you are already living like a single parent anyway.

While I understand the career aspirations and wanting to buy a place you have to be realistic and accept that this will likely not be possible in the near future.

Don’t buy property with your partner, especially not from family relations.

Princess Calla · 29-10-2022 9:28am

I think you need to make a clean break from him ,draw a line in the sand and say it's finished I'm on my own.

Once you make peace that you are on your own you can manage your time better.

At this age children really are a slog. I found once they hit around 3 they became more independent and your lil buddy.

I think if you have the second child you will survive,it will be tough but you will get there.

Once he's gone from the house 100% could you maybe change your childcare option? An au pair or live in nanny might work out better for you as no creche runs etc. It will give you more working flexibility.

Regarding children of alcoholics, I think the main issue is when they are forced to grow up in the chaotic environment of an alcoholic. Then the constant let downs and lack of being able to depend on the parent. So again once he's removed from the children's life they should be fine. While every situation is different many children of alcoholics blame the other parent more or are more resentful of the parent for keeping them in an unsafe chaotic environment, especially where violence and aggression are involved so do bare that in mind too.

You can do it. It will be hard work but parenting is hard work.

I also think when people realise that you are a single parent they will be more understanding to your situation.

When you cancel plans were you honest and say "I'm living with an alcoholic and he has let me down again" or did you cover for him and say "something has come up and I can't make it" ?

The second excuse makes you flakey and to your friends you don't value them, which is far from the truth, but if they don't know your situation how can they make allowances for you. Instead of heading out with friends you could do a wine /take away night in yours etc

Best of luck you can do it....you already have your shoes on you just need to take the first step

madonna123 · 29-10-2022 9:32am

I have spent the past year and a half trying to find somewhere within my budget to rent near her childcare but it’s so off limits that I’m starting to feel like this house is the only alternative to homelessness.

I applied for all the help from local authorities but they see the house I am in as suitable accommodation , I can be declared homeless but because I ‘choose’ to leave a perfectly good home I will not have any accommodation given , not even hotel room or B&B until they reach me on a list.

it’s actually really isolating and controlling being in these situations because as much as everyone says their help .. there’s phone lines to call , and food hampers but what use is a tin of beans or a kind ear when you’re living in your car with a one year old and still need to show up to work everyday !

madonna123 · 29-10-2022 9:48am

your words are making me cry

thank you

I know everything you are saying is so right and true I just need to get out of this hole.

Somedays are really hard , I work from home 4 days per week , this means atleast 4/5 days a week I see nobody except for crèche drop off and pick up.

I know all the practical things can be tackled, I think it’s just the psychological hurdles , the loneliness .

I feel like constantly burdening my friendship with this stuff is driving a wedge between our friends and I don’t want to be that person who is constantly in a bad place

sniperman · 29-10-2022 10:02am

i now live in a 3 bedroom council house on my own,and i know of a few more doing the same,with the housing situation the way it is now,i think thats appalling,i have for the past 2 years asked the council to downsize me and give this house to a family,but theres nothing according to them available to put me in,i have even advertised for a swap to a smaller place,but nothing yet,....to the op,i deeply sympathize with your situation,its hard,i know,but to you and anyone male or female,if you are being abused,controlled,if your kids are living in fear,get a safety or barring order,then you wont have to leave the home,look at all the information online concerning such,all the best

Dial Hard · 29-10-2022 11:16am

I think having another baby in your current situation would a) be incredibly unfair on the child and b) make an already almost untenable situation for you even worse. I know that's very easy for me to say from the other side of a computer screen but if I had a friend or family member in this situation, I would be counselling them to think long and hard about whether continuing this pregnancy is in anyone's best interests. You're already struggling both financially and mentally, how will that look with another child to pay for childcare for, to watch your husband either ignore or weaponise depending on his humour that day or hour?

I think you need help to leave this relationship. I know you've listed all the reasons why that looks impossible from your current viewpoint, but what does the future look like if you stay? For you and for your daughter? I would start speaking to a couple of professionals - counselling and legal - and get proper support for your own mental health and real-world advice on what your options are.

Also, I'd advise engaging with AlAnon if you haven't already.

And I know this is going to sound very cold, but I genuinely don't mean it that way - but if you choose to end this pregnancy, make sure things are taken care of contraception-wise in future.

Beat of luck. I can't imagine how impossible your situation must feel.

walterking · 29-10-2022 11:25am

I'd certainly agree with above posts and I suspect you know in your head that you need to separate yourself from him.

I would suggest looking at online/ hybrid groups. There are many about and one option for you might be Toastmasters which is a public speaking and leadership club with over 100 in Ireland and very much a social format and several online and hybrid clubs.

SuperBowserWorld · 29-10-2022 11:27am

Alcohol is really and truly the curse that keeps on giving in Ireland. We will never be whole if we continue to let this destroy lives and support the industry in the way we currently do.

I hope things work out for you OP and you get peace and quiet in your life.

handlemaster · 29-10-2022 11:39am

I think the OP is already a single parent just needs to courage to cut this guy loose. And she has courage in bucket lots.. life would only be better without this current partner. If having a child hasn't woken him up to his issue hard to see what will. Anyhow bigger picture the two babys need looking after and with a sick mother also this guy needs to be cut loose.

Dial Hard · 29-10-2022 11:42am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119807820#Comment_119807820

Sorry, but what is joining Toastmasters supposed to do for a pregnant woman in a very vulnerable position? She needs professional advice and support, not help with public speaking.

walterking · 29-10-2022 11:49am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119807874#Comment_119807874

If you read the full post she finds going to classes / groups difficult due to lack of child minding options.

She is also trying to get further in her job.

Public speaking is any form of speaking including if a team leader or manager in a workplace. Toastmasters is also about building confidence and leadership.

It is an ideal option for the poster as there are several hybrid clubs including two in Kildare according to Google. It will give her both a social outlet and most likely assist in her in her aim of furthering her career and that takes away some of the worry she has.

EOQRTL · 29-10-2022 11:52am

Clean break OP. In the short term it will be very hard on you but in a few years time it will make perfect sense. My dad was a mean alcoholic and it destroyed everything and everyone in his life until the day he died.

You can do it but more importantly you must do it for the sake of the kids and their future.

Wanderer78 · 29-10-2022 11:54am

a truly dreadful situation, im terrible sorry op, but unfortunately your partner will probably never change, its time to move on from this 'relationship', this maybe a very controversial opinion but here goes, you may need to consider termination, you require professional counselling, to help you deal with the level of abuse you have been experiencing during this relationship, and possible some other emotional issues that have lead you into it in the first place, and that have kept you in it, including making decisions to have a family with such a dysfunctional person. im not trying to blame you here, these type of situations occur, but its extremely important to try stop dysfunction from escalating, which is very likely to occur, unless such professionals are introduced.

such a therapist can guide you through this extremely difficult situation, so that better decisions can be made, that benefits all, without which, its very likely poor decisions will be made, escalating the dysfunctions. its extremely important you are in a better place before more kids are considered, and choosing the right partner is critical, such a therapist would help you greatly in this, this person is absolutely not the right person for you and your kids. if you decide to proceed with this pregnancy, a therapist can also help you with this decision

i wish you and your family the very best in this extremely difficult situation, your gp is probably the best first call, good luck

Tork · 29-10-2022 1:40pm

OP, I strongly advise you to seek some counselling about this. The HSE runs a crisis pregnancy service (link here) but perhaps you need a counsellor who specialises in relationship problems? Like most people here I'm only a lay person. I think the advice to talk to your GP first is good advice and he/she can point you in the right direction. While your current pregnancy is what I'd consider to be a crisis pregnancy, it's just another addition to an already difficult situation.

To me, you need to let go of two significant things in your current life. The first is your relationship. It sounds absolutely awful and I worry about what damage it will do to your daughter. She might be only 16 months old but already she will be picking up on the toxic vibes at home. That's only going to get worse as she gets older. She needs to grow up in a safe environment away from an abusive parent who also happens to be an alcoholic.

The second thing is your plan to buy a home. I understand why you want security for you and your family but what a terrible option your current one is. Your partner is the worst person you could possibly buy a home with, and buying from his sister is just bringing a whole load of extra woe onto your floor. You might end up with a roof over your head for now but it will inevitably turn into a self-imposed prison cell. Don't do it.

madonna123 · 29-10-2022 3:19pm

Every single piece of advice everyone has given is both valid , correct and what I know deep down in my heart

In response to a couple of things

firstly , I started counselling but I had to stop , I couldn’t afford the sessions and I couldn’t afford to pay for extra child care to go to the sessions.

I was stuck between paying a household bill or food each week and the counselling session.

Secondly , my GP gave me medication to terminate pregnancy but I haven’t got anyone to take my daughter long enough so I can take it , I know it’s sounds like a joke but I genuinely have not got 24 hours where she is taken care of to take it.

This is exactly what it’s like as a single parent in this isolation situation, and it’s so heartbreaking because I was an old child until 12 and I hated it , I swore I never wanted that for my family , and also at my age I think this will be my last opportunity to have a child.

I feel a mixture of anger and sadness all at the same time.

Wanderer78 · 29-10-2022 3:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119808625#Comment_119808625

im extremely outraged with the way our society is completely failing you, you re currently in a crisis situation, please contact crisis pregnancy services immediately, counselling will probably be provided to you via such services

madonna123 · 29-10-2022 3:25pm

What I don’t understand is … how do single lone parent women or men do this ?

It’s so hard , a baby screaming and crying , managing on 2/3 hours sleep working full time and it’s just relentless, there’s no break , there’s no help.

so many hours of the day feel hopeless, I just cry and cry

I just don’t know how people do this and strive .

I read stores about people who juggle this , exercise everyday , study , excel in a career and have perfect high achieving children !

I am coming apart at the seams

Wanderer78 · 29-10-2022 3:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119808649#Comment_119808649

encase you missed the link above for crisis pregancy

https://www2.hse.ie/services/unplanned-pregnancy-support-services/my-options-freephone-line.html?gclid=Cj0KCQjwnvOaBhDTARIsAJf8eVMxn7ojNMfZ869hCXpl2ws_GG8RfJUoT9qLTAHHngXMjzfTdrw3eiYaAp23EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Freephone: 1800 828 010

Furze99 · 29-10-2022 4:18pm

That's a difficult place to be in at the moment. I do see above you say "I have some family that live not too far away but none are really in a position to help out with my daughter."

I think you do need to reach out to those family members and get whatever short term help is needed to get past your current problems.

I rarely agree offhand with posters who advise - get rid of him/ her etc. But in this case, it does read very much like you have to cut ties with this man. As soon as possible & practical. Otherwise he's likely to be a source of misery and hardship for years to come.

Best of luck.

NiceFella · 29-10-2022 4:21pm

Hey OP, very sorry to hear of your troubles.

I know you mentioned your Mam needs care etc. Would it be impractical to move in with her in the short to mid-term? I know this is prob not ideal at all. Have you spoke with your family? Speak to them if not, you should not be going through this alone. They could perhaps offer some temp solutions. I would agree another baby is the last you need in this situation tbh. Call that crisis preg helpline and get the couselling of course and then focus your energy's on getting away from this chap, they won't change ever, he'll just wear you down.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-10-2022 6:28pm

I have some family that live not too far away but none are really in a position to help out with my daughter.

Have you asked? And I don't mean ask for just help to take your daughter, but help to get you out of the situation you're in. I have 4 children in 2 schools, various activities, work fulltime. I am not really in a position to help out any of my siblings with their childcare or even babysitting too much. I have so much going on every evening. But if my sister rang me with even a quarter of your story I'd be shifting people around to move her in with me and away from the situation she found herself trapped in. I'm guessing you hide a lot of what's actually happening from your family and friends. I'm guessing they don't know just how bad his drinking is, and how bad life is for you. As the partner of an alcoholic I can only imagine how much you hide, minimise, lie, deny. You need to stop hiding and pretending. You need to tell people and you need to ask for help.

2 years ago I texted my sister and asked her how many she'd have room for. She said "as many as you need". I walked out of my house with 4 children after my husband's drinking and behaviour had become unbearable. She wouldn't often have been in a position to come over and babysit, or to take my children for a night etc. But when she knew I needed actual proper help, there was no question. I had never spoken to my family about his drinking. They knew a lot, but not how bad it was to live with. Yet when I asked for help they were all there.

You live your life to keep his life easy. You consider him and what he'll think before you consider what's best for you. What will he say if you do x, what will he think if you do y. You have to get to the point where you don't care. Talk to someone. Tell them. It will help.

Mad_maxx · 29-10-2022 6:38pm

This guy is toxic and it’s not you’re job to fix or carry him , end it for you and you’re kids future

madonna123 · 29-10-2022 7:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119809357#Comment_119809357

Sometimes it just feels like they will see me as this nuisance , interfering with their lives.

I am the oldest and I suppose I feel like I should have everything together and the one who helps everyone else.

When my mum got sick I gave up my job , moved home for a year and stepped in so everyone else could get on with jobs and lives.

Now I feel like to return home or ask for help would be like letting them down , or subconsciously telling them I’m weak and I can’t help them if they need me.

Then the practicalities, I work from home several days per week so that’s setting up an office in the house , a small baby in a house where it’s only adults , (my parents and sisters in their 20’s)

I guess I just feel like not being able to stand on my own two feet I’ll create an even bigger problem.

I think my confidence is just shattered ,

I would always jump at a promotion or try move up the ladder in my career and now I feel like if I did , my superiors would just end up being let down with my life the way it is .

Hannibal_Smith · 29-10-2022 7:21pm

Madonna124, don't be so hard on yourself. You can stand on your own two feet, it sounds like you've been doing it for quite some time. But no one could face down the barrel of the possibility of 2 small children with a partner who sounds as if hes fairly absent and an alcoholic and not need to ask for help from family and friends. You've given up things so other family members could have their time. Now it's time for the family to rally around you. Your confidence is broken and who wouldn't have confidence issues given the relationship issues you're going through. But to hold down a job, raise a small child and look after your sick mother takes a cracking amount of resilience.

You've been kind and generous to others, there is absolutely no weakness in asking for help. Its the sensible step to take.

Tork · 29-10-2022 7:32pm

I was going to say you sound like the stereotypical "eldest daughter" but you've now said that's where you fall in the family. You've shouldered a disproportionate amount of family burden and because of that, everyone else has stepped back. We've all seen it happen in families and it's a tale as old as time. You've been doing it since you were a kid. Even now you're talking about how you feel you should have your life together just because you're the eldest. That sort of talk doesn't make any rational sense whatsoever. Your younger siblings are all adults too and they're just as capable of living in the adult world as you are. I also think you're underestimating the help you might get from your family. Do you really think that none of them have the generosity you have?

I think your embarrassment at your choice of life partner is feeding into this too. It isn't easy to admit to your nearest and dearest that you've hitched yourself to somebody as awful as your partner. Now you're trapped in a mess that you'll say is of your own making. I really hope that you can find it within yourself to swallow your pride and talk to at least one of your siblings. I think you'll find that they've noticed far more than you think and are perhaps waiting for you to reach out. They might have already figured out that you're in trouble but have been afraid to say anything in case it drives you away. All that seems to be driving you away at the moment is you. You've got a long list of problems which you've decided you can't overcome, before even talking to somebody. Is there any sibling at all you could ring up and talk to? You don't have to tell them everything. But I think spilling all of this out to somebody will help put your thoughts in order. You're bouncing all over the place at the moment.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-10-2022 7:44pm

You're not giving your family the chance. You're coming up with all sorts of reasons and excuses why you can't change your situation. That's ok. You're not ready yet. It took me many many many years to be ready. The sister I texted was my younger sister. I would have always been the "in charge" one. But when you're adults older or younger siblings doesn't come into it. You're all adults.

You will make the decisions and choices that are right for you at the time. Looking back you might say you could have/should have made different choices, but that will be irrelevant. The decisions you make at various times are the decisions you are able for at those times. So don't be too hard on yourself. You will come to your decisions when you ready. But you need to recognise that you are the one that needs to make changes. Because he won't. Not while everything stays the same. Why would he?

Find one person you trust. Just one person who you can talk to. They will be invaluable for you.

Read this. It's a good place to start

Sigyn · 29-10-2022 7:52pm

Been there, done that. I walked away after one child. Do yourself a favour and build yourself a life in which you are not dependent on an alcoholic. It never ends well. My son is now 18, we have a good life. He is now the total town drunk.

dbas · 29-10-2022 8:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119809357#Comment_119809357

Great advice and great strength. Well done

dbas · 29-10-2022 8:19pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058269554/he-is-an-alcoholic-and-i-m-pregnant-again-what-to-do

Make a plan and grab the child and run. Reach out to your network and find the strength to do it.

Ten weeks sober in all that time says everything. Bloody child he is. You've enough on your plate and an alcoholic parent is a horrible thing. Memories still stuck with me and I'm nearly 40. So you reared a child until one, with an alcoholic partner (you're practically rearing him and all)

I have to admire your strength. My wife and I have 3 kids under 6. I can't imagine how she'd cope if I didn't muck in. The workload is immense in the early years. Minding an older child around a new born, while a dipso is asleep at your feet is going to be impossible.

Sounds like you know what to do but are doubting your strength.

You've got it.

Do it.

Ps. Having the second child is a choice only you can make. You can't rear a family around him, one child or two.

29-10-2022 8:24pm

Leaving a toxic relationship isn’t easy. But, it can be for the best. It will be difficult at first, but look at the bigger picture. Which is more important. Propping up a drunk, who will not change. Or stability for your children.

Seek advice from all agencies. There is plenty of help out there. You are NOT alone.

Whatever you choose to do, best wishes.

Evergreen_7 · 29-10-2022 9:05pm

leave him.

im a single parent with a teenage daughter and my ex was toxic, still is apparently. It feels like such a massive step, but the relief is worth it, honestly. It’s a tough road either way but going it alone without that abuse is a different kind of tough, it’s a positive one if that makes sense.

Kathnora · 29-10-2022 9:56pm

This is exactly what it’s like as a single parent in this isolation situation, and it’s so heartbreaking because I was an old child until 12 and I hated it , I swore I never wanted that for my family , and also at my age I think this will be my last opportunity to have a child. (madonna 123)

Please don't terminate your pregnancy. You know what it's like to be an only child. This could well be your last chance to have a baby. Times are very tough now but there is a good chance that you will emerge from your long dark tunnel if you take the advice of other posters and reach out for help from family. You could well be pleasantly surprised at how willing family members will be to give you a dig out when they realise how bad things are right now and I gather that they don't actually know how low you are or how little support your partner is giving you and your child.

"This too will pass" is something I repeat to myself at times when there seems to be no solution to a problem. Dire situations don't last forever but there's no going back on the termination of a pregnancy. So many women in your age bracket find it difficult to conceive and/or have miscarriages. Being able to have a baby is such a gift and a privilege (regardless of whether you are a person of faith or not). Every child needs a sibling ...for company, friendship, support and for simply getting through the trials of life ...just like you need your siblings right now. Please consider your options and try to look at the long term picture. Best wishes go to you. Stay strong.

Jequ0n · 29-10-2022 10:19pm

OP, i hope you will consider objective and practical advice instead of emotional blackmail that some posters on this site might be throwing at you. Best of luck

Princess Calla · 30-10-2022 8:36am

OP there's a similar age gap between myself and my older sister.

Her marriage fell apart for similar reasons though she had more children including a newborn.

I never judged her for her failed marriage, she was 100% right to get out of the relationship and get herself and the children out of a dangerous situation. My dad even commented years later that he was the most proud of her as no matter what life threw at her she weathered the storm!

In your own head I think you are sabotaging yourself. Setting up an office in your family home can be easily enough done even if it meant taking a couple of days annual leave.

Regarding other parents "having it all" yeah no...the majority of parents especially with toddlers are in survival mode. Some parents have a fantastic network of helpers grandparents/brothers/sisters but most of us have just accepted things won't be perfect.

There are ways to manage your time more effectively, do a massive shop on a Friday and batch cook on Saturday and you might get a few weeks worth of dinners into the freezer freeing up your week nights, for example.

Working from home is also a blessing, you can keep up to date on laundry a lot easier than when out of the house all day.

However working from home is isolating even for people with no kids. Could you go to the gym for example on your lunch break while child is in creche ?

I do think first things first....have a chat with your parents let them know what's going on and ask can you move back home. There are plenty of people living with their parents raising their own children and no one passes judgement.

Big Bag of Chips · 30-10-2022 9:19am

If you were able to move home before to help with your mother, you can do it again. Do you have to work from home? Have you the option of going back to the office? If you have a bedroom in your parents' house, and an internet connection you have a home office. You have options. It's just at the moment you don't want to face what's actually happening. Take your time. But start to change your thinking from "there's nothing I can do" to "I have options".

30-10-2022 9:19am

Rarely have seen such a tough situation.

I think the alcoholic being removed from the situation is something most if not all of us can agree on. Would his sister have an issue with you living there (she’s still an Aunt/knows he is an alcoholic) - if an issue, she’d find it very hard to evict you for a long time. However, forget pride (which would only be temporarily embarrassing), you need to be strong enough for both you and your child(ren) - go live with your parents/sister if conducive to work. You work 4 days a week as it is, so should be possible. I know your mum has care needs. This would help with saving for a mortgage.

Life can be very unfair for single mothers, especially with two under three (I see you very much want a second child)* and I think you need to put the career advancement plans on hold for a few years. Concentrate on stabilising your life, pass your professional exams if possible, but even they can be delayed (I know how though professional accountancy exams are, for example).

*a termination is an option, but I’d be slow to advise that based on a few paragraphs of text without a fuller context.

30-10-2022 9:21am

OP, can you not talk to one of your sisters and ask them to come look after your baby?!? If I was your sister, I would be there in a heartbeat if you really needed someone.

Please don't be swayed by those who would play on your emotions regarding this pregnancy. They are not living your life, and you need to do what's best for you right now, and whats best for you, is ultimately best for your children. As they say, put the oxygen mask on yourself, first.

I do feel you need to end your relationship. I believe with all my heart that children growing up with one stable parent, is better than growing up with two unhappy parents in a toxic relationship. Not all only children are lonely and desperate for siblings either.

You can't fix this man's problems. Only he can do that, and if he'll ever do that, no one can predict. I do believe that buying a house with him, or from his family member, would be a huge mistake that you will come to bitterly regret.

I wish you the very best, OP.

walshb · 30-10-2022 9:25am

Should you be leaving, or wanting to leave a child/baby in the care of “an abusive alcoholic?”

30-10-2022 9:33am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119808649#Comment_119808649

This post breaks my heart, because it brings it all back to me. I too was a single parent, to a now 26 year old. I just want to give you a big hug.

But I promise you, it WILL get easier as your child gets older. The baby years are soo incredibly tough, and so scary, and so isolating. But I feel you need to reach out to your family. Tell them whats going on with you. Don't try to be superwoman. You need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of them.

Tork · 30-10-2022 11:56am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119811186#Comment_119811186

And if you can find it within yourself to swallow your pride and reach out to a family member, more options you hadn't thought about might come to light.

I think you're viewing their busy lives through the prism of your own circumstances. You're trying to parent a young child on your own. Your partner is not just unsupportive, he's making everything much harder for you. Your confidence is shot to pieces. You're assuming that your siblings don't have the capacity to reshuffle things and help you out. Maybe that's stemming from your mistaken "big sister, sacrifice everything" mentality. Or perhaps you've forgotten what it is to be able to help others because of your awful relationship.

madonna123 · 30-10-2022 11:59am

Today is a new day and I feel a little bit more hopeful.

Tiredness can really mess with your head !!

All the replies have given me a little bit of hope, that was my sentiment in my original post, I just needed some outside perspective.

I think after years of listening to ‘him’ tell me how shi*t I am as a person started to wear me down, then the normal everyday issues or rejections would reaffirm his opinion of me.

I failed a couple of my professional exams and that allowed all sorts of negativity bubble up, in hindsight, I failed probably because I was not in the mindset for actually retaining any information, tired , run down , new baby etc.

I think under the surface I always believed he would come good and no one is inherently bad or evil, it’s just the addiction.

In the past I went to a solicitor to start the process of child support and orders but he completely change, he went to meetings , he even checked into rehab but I see now it was all an act. Once I dropped the case he was gone again, now I’m stuck with a bill for a solicitor of €250. I did apply for legal aid , which was granted but I’m presuming they will withdraw the aid because I dropped the case.

I think all these things feed into , what’s the point ?

madonna123 · 30-10-2022 12:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119811206#Comment_119811206

I instinctively know he is not a good parent but there has been times, with work and normal day to day stresses that he has shown up and it was a relief, just to have someone come in and lend a hand.

these moments are very rare , and also loaded with bully tactics , using our child as a weapon and a shield. Making comments about how I care for her, then taking her into his arms and starting an argument.

I would never raise my voice in front of her, he knows this so he would use it as an opportunity to get all his insults out without interruption.

I can see it all now, I can see this pattern of abuse but inside the machine , when you’re ground down it’s a lot harder to mount a successful defence !!!

HotMama89 · 30-10-2022 12:34pm

I was also a single parent the earlier years are the hardest it may not feel like it now but it will get easier as your child gets older.

You also need to reach out to your family I had a sister married to a toxic and abusive husband with young kids including a baby. We all knew it was bad but she pretended she was fine and we didnt want to push her away bringing it up. She reached out when she was ready and we fully supported her.

You need to think long and hard about your current pregnancy as it will make your situation much tougher. I have seen it with my own single parent friends those with 2 or more really struggle and have had to give up work due to creche fees and illnesses in the kids affecting attendance at work.

I also did professional exams but didnt start them until my child was in school so my studytime would be 8pm to 10.30pm (online classes recorded so i could watch when suited) everynight once they were in bed. This with batch cooking etc helped alot.

Edited to add I have a relative with kids (oldest an adult the youngest a toddler) with an alcoholic that she refuses to leave and it has caused serious damage to the kids they have grown up walking on eggshells and begged her to leave him. Its so bad at this stage to them it seems she loves him more than them.

Girly Gal · 30-10-2022 12:55pm

From experience alcoholics rarely stay sober for long, they can have the best of intentions but, eventually relapse. My father was an alcoholic and it was just something he couldn't stop and was abusive when drunk. It definitely shaped my outlook on life, but, I never for one moment resented my mother for staying with him, she had no real options and at the time there were no supports for single parents like there are today, she was a stay at home mom and financially dependent on him, plus at the time marriage was for life so leaving was almost impossible.

I think in your case you should leave him, you aren't financially dependent on him, you're virtually a single parent as it is. Don't even think about buying a house with him, especially from his sister, make a clean break from him. If you haven't already, ask your family, brothers or sisters if they can help you in the short term until you get things sorted, even just helping with child minding. They might not be aware that you are struggling, but, might help if fully aware of the situation. Is there an option to move back to the family home for awhile? Also you might need to consider putting the study on hold until you sort things out, it will at least take some of the stress away and give you time to sort out your personal life.

I empathize with your situation, it will be difficult whatever you decide to do, but, just know that it won't be forever and things can get better, it might look hopeless now, but, it can get better, reach out to family and close friends for help, you might be surprised how much they can help, some might even have experienced similar and got through it. I wish you all the best and hope things get better and work out for you.

misssunshine36 · 30-10-2022 1:23pm

Hi, I wanted to give you some advice, from my own experience. I was a single parent for many years. I too had been in a very abusive relationship, and he had alcohol issues. I found myself pregnant, after leaving the abuse, and had a toddler, less than 2 years old. I was in a terrible way, and didn't want to go through abortion again. I felt ashamed, and endured awful comments from family and judgement. I kept my baby and did try again to make relationship work. I endured more abuse and finally left when the kids were still only babies really. Luckily i had my house at the time, but had difficulty in getting him to leave. I felt ashamed, but eventually didn't care what people thought. It was very tough to stay strong, but I'm so glad I got away from him. I always worked full time, and this was tough, but was good to have a job to go to, and made lifelong friends

Their dad was in and out of their lives for years, and I basically had to put my foot down and keep him away from them, due to alcohol issues. They are now grown up, and are such great young men. They have a relationship with their dad now, but in his case, he has massive regrets of how he was.

You can do this, whether you decide to keep your baby or not. Only you can decide that. Trust me, life will get so much better when you leave him. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends and family. Moving in with family may be the best option for now, and in a couple of years, you may feel much stronger and able to get your own place again

I know how hard it is financially and mentally, but anything is better than being with an abusive alcoholic. They are the losers in the end. Do not let him abuse you anymore.

If I was your friend, I would do everything I could to help you, I'm sure your friends will be the same

30-10-2022 2:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119811679#Comment_119811679

This is very concerning. Does he know about the pregnancy? It is well known that domestic abuse tends to escalate when women are pregnant, and if he behaves like this now, i'd be worried that it will get worse.

Would you qualify for HAP if you lived alone on just your income?

madonna123 · 30-10-2022 7:53pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119812038#Comment_119812038

I’m not sure if I would qualify for HAP, I am guessing I might , my salary isn’t very high, I am a mid level civil servant but the issue more than the cost of rent is actually finding a rental property.

I set up an alert for rentals available within 15 Km’s of childcare and one property came up in the past 6 months which was €1800 per month . That price would be almost all my wages per month, I just couldn’t afford it.

The housing issue is probably one of the main factors I have stayed in the house for this long.

In response to knowing about the pregnancy, since I found out he has been on a drinking binge , I told him but I don’t think it registered with him, even if it did I don’t think it would make a difference.

His insults and abuse has escalated in the past few weeks so babies and family are not something he values.

Yonce · 30-10-2022 8:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119808649#Comment_119808649

But you have been juggling it just like those people you read about. Just right now you realize the situation isn't sustainable and all the doubts and gut feelings are telling you it isn't the way right.

I left my partner when my son was 2, I walked away with nothing, he took everything anyway, the home, the business I bought at 19, every possession I had. At the time, (and there comes a definite moment in that madness) that you realize it's out or continue taking it all and subjecting your child to a worse life than one with a single mother. I fell pregnant with my second before I left, I lost that baby but I did book a termination before that this was in the early 2000s. Once out I had nothing, stayed with family, everything falls into place but sometimes slower with babies in tow and that's ok. Life was simpler and easier to get your future plans and focus into place when not worrying about a partner like this. I now have a degree and soon to get a masters. A little late but better late than never.

I would not buy that house with him, not in a million years. There is supports out there, I know the housing situation would put fear into you right now but there are options. Children are resilient and will remember your shear strength and determination eventually. Could you talk to your GP, local women's aid? I wish you the best you sound like a good mother and hard worker you'll get there.

30-10-2022 8:17pm

Ok. I'm not saying you need it, but keep in the back of your mind, that there are emergency arrangements in place for women and children escaping unsafe situations where HAP qualifying criteria is waived for three months and there are agencies that will help with that.

See www.safeireland.ie.

Maybe also look into other entitlements you might qualify for, Working Family Payment, etc.

Stay safe.

He is an alcoholic and I’m pregnant again. What to do ?

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