He is an alcoholic and I’m pregnant again. What to do ?

29-10-2022 9:24pm

Leaving a toxic relationship isn’t easy. But, it can be for the best. It will be difficult at first, but look at the bigger picture. Which is more important. Propping up a drunk, who will not change. Or stability for your children.

Seek advice from all agencies. There is plenty of help out there. You are NOT alone.

Whatever you choose to do, best wishes.

Evergreen_7 · 29-10-2022 10:05pm

leave him.

im a single parent with a teenage daughter and my ex was toxic, still is apparently. It feels like such a massive step, but the relief is worth it, honestly. It’s a tough road either way but going it alone without that abuse is a different kind of tough, it’s a positive one if that makes sense.

Kathnora · 29-10-2022 10:56pm

This is exactly what it’s like as a single parent in this isolation situation, and it’s so heartbreaking because I was an old child until 12 and I hated it , I swore I never wanted that for my family , and also at my age I think this will be my last opportunity to have a child. (madonna 123)

Please don't terminate your pregnancy. You know what it's like to be an only child. This could well be your last chance to have a baby. Times are very tough now but there is a good chance that you will emerge from your long dark tunnel if you take the advice of other posters and reach out for help from family. You could well be pleasantly surprised at how willing family members will be to give you a dig out when they realise how bad things are right now and I gather that they don't actually know how low you are or how little support your partner is giving you and your child.

"This too will pass" is something I repeat to myself at times when there seems to be no solution to a problem. Dire situations don't last forever but there's no going back on the termination of a pregnancy. So many women in your age bracket find it difficult to conceive and/or have miscarriages. Being able to have a baby is such a gift and a privilege (regardless of whether you are a person of faith or not). Every child needs a sibling ...for company, friendship, support and for simply getting through the trials of life ...just like you need your siblings right now. Please consider your options and try to look at the long term picture. Best wishes go to you. Stay strong.

Jequ0n · 29-10-2022 11:19pm

OP, i hope you will consider objective and practical advice instead of emotional blackmail that some posters on this site might be throwing at you. Best of luck

Princess Calla · 30-10-2022 9:36am

OP there's a similar age gap between myself and my older sister.

Her marriage fell apart for similar reasons though she had more children including a newborn.

I never judged her for her failed marriage, she was 100% right to get out of the relationship and get herself and the children out of a dangerous situation. My dad even commented years later that he was the most proud of her as no matter what life threw at her she weathered the storm!

In your own head I think you are sabotaging yourself. Setting up an office in your family home can be easily enough done even if it meant taking a couple of days annual leave.

Regarding other parents "having it all" yeah no...the majority of parents especially with toddlers are in survival mode. Some parents have a fantastic network of helpers grandparents/brothers/sisters but most of us have just accepted things won't be perfect.

There are ways to manage your time more effectively, do a massive shop on a Friday and batch cook on Saturday and you might get a few weeks worth of dinners into the freezer freeing up your week nights, for example.

Working from home is also a blessing, you can keep up to date on laundry a lot easier than when out of the house all day.

However working from home is isolating even for people with no kids. Could you go to the gym for example on your lunch break while child is in creche ?

I do think first things first....have a chat with your parents let them know what's going on and ask can you move back home. There are plenty of people living with their parents raising their own children and no one passes judgement.

Big Bag of Chips · 30-10-2022 10:19am

If you were able to move home before to help with your mother, you can do it again. Do you have to work from home? Have you the option of going back to the office? If you have a bedroom in your parents' house, and an internet connection you have a home office. You have options. It's just at the moment you don't want to face what's actually happening. Take your time. But start to change your thinking from "there's nothing I can do" to "I have options".

30-10-2022 10:19am

Rarely have seen such a tough situation.

I think the alcoholic being removed from the situation is something most if not all of us can agree on. Would his sister have an issue with you living there (she’s still an Aunt/knows he is an alcoholic) - if an issue, she’d find it very hard to evict you for a long time. However, forget pride (which would only be temporarily embarrassing), you need to be strong enough for both you and your child(ren) - go live with your parents/sister if conducive to work. You work 4 days a week as it is, so should be possible. I know your mum has care needs. This would help with saving for a mortgage.

Life can be very unfair for single mothers, especially with two under three (I see you very much want a second child)* and I think you need to put the career advancement plans on hold for a few years. Concentrate on stabilising your life, pass your professional exams if possible, but even they can be delayed (I know how though professional accountancy exams are, for example).

*a termination is an option, but I’d be slow to advise that based on a few paragraphs of text without a fuller context.

30-10-2022 10:21am

OP, can you not talk to one of your sisters and ask them to come look after your baby?!? If I was your sister, I would be there in a heartbeat if you really needed someone.

Please don't be swayed by those who would play on your emotions regarding this pregnancy. They are not living your life, and you need to do what's best for you right now, and whats best for you, is ultimately best for your children. As they say, put the oxygen mask on yourself, first.

I do feel you need to end your relationship. I believe with all my heart that children growing up with one stable parent, is better than growing up with two unhappy parents in a toxic relationship. Not all only children are lonely and desperate for siblings either.

You can't fix this man's problems. Only he can do that, and if he'll ever do that, no one can predict. I do believe that buying a house with him, or from his family member, would be a huge mistake that you will come to bitterly regret.

I wish you the very best, OP.

walshb · 30-10-2022 10:25am

Should you be leaving, or wanting to leave a child/baby in the care of “an abusive alcoholic?”

30-10-2022 10:33am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119808649#Comment_119808649

This post breaks my heart, because it brings it all back to me. I too was a single parent, to a now 26 year old. I just want to give you a big hug.

But I promise you, it WILL get easier as your child gets older. The baby years are soo incredibly tough, and so scary, and so isolating. But I feel you need to reach out to your family. Tell them whats going on with you. Don't try to be superwoman. You need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of them.

Tork · 30-10-2022 12:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119811186#Comment_119811186

And if you can find it within yourself to swallow your pride and reach out to a family member, more options you hadn't thought about might come to light.

I think you're viewing their busy lives through the prism of your own circumstances. You're trying to parent a young child on your own. Your partner is not just unsupportive, he's making everything much harder for you. Your confidence is shot to pieces. You're assuming that your siblings don't have the capacity to reshuffle things and help you out. Maybe that's stemming from your mistaken "big sister, sacrifice everything" mentality. Or perhaps you've forgotten what it is to be able to help others because of your awful relationship.

madonna123 · 30-10-2022 12:59pm

Today is a new day and I feel a little bit more hopeful.

Tiredness can really mess with your head !!

All the replies have given me a little bit of hope, that was my sentiment in my original post, I just needed some outside perspective.

I think after years of listening to ‘him’ tell me how shi*t I am as a person started to wear me down, then the normal everyday issues or rejections would reaffirm his opinion of me.

I failed a couple of my professional exams and that allowed all sorts of negativity bubble up, in hindsight, I failed probably because I was not in the mindset for actually retaining any information, tired , run down , new baby etc.

I think under the surface I always believed he would come good and no one is inherently bad or evil, it’s just the addiction.

In the past I went to a solicitor to start the process of child support and orders but he completely change, he went to meetings , he even checked into rehab but I see now it was all an act. Once I dropped the case he was gone again, now I’m stuck with a bill for a solicitor of €250. I did apply for legal aid , which was granted but I’m presuming they will withdraw the aid because I dropped the case.

I think all these things feed into , what’s the point ?

madonna123 · 30-10-2022 1:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119811206#Comment_119811206

I instinctively know he is not a good parent but there has been times, with work and normal day to day stresses that he has shown up and it was a relief, just to have someone come in and lend a hand.

these moments are very rare , and also loaded with bully tactics , using our child as a weapon and a shield. Making comments about how I care for her, then taking her into his arms and starting an argument.

I would never raise my voice in front of her, he knows this so he would use it as an opportunity to get all his insults out without interruption.

I can see it all now, I can see this pattern of abuse but inside the machine , when you’re ground down it’s a lot harder to mount a successful defence !!!

HotMama89 · 30-10-2022 1:34pm

I was also a single parent the earlier years are the hardest it may not feel like it now but it will get easier as your child gets older.

You also need to reach out to your family I had a sister married to a toxic and abusive husband with young kids including a baby. We all knew it was bad but she pretended she was fine and we didnt want to push her away bringing it up. She reached out when she was ready and we fully supported her.

You need to think long and hard about your current pregnancy as it will make your situation much tougher. I have seen it with my own single parent friends those with 2 or more really struggle and have had to give up work due to creche fees and illnesses in the kids affecting attendance at work.

I also did professional exams but didnt start them until my child was in school so my studytime would be 8pm to 10.30pm (online classes recorded so i could watch when suited) everynight once they were in bed. This with batch cooking etc helped alot.

Edited to add I have a relative with kids (oldest an adult the youngest a toddler) with an alcoholic that she refuses to leave and it has caused serious damage to the kids they have grown up walking on eggshells and begged her to leave him. Its so bad at this stage to them it seems she loves him more than them.

Girly Gal · 30-10-2022 1:55pm

From experience alcoholics rarely stay sober for long, they can have the best of intentions but, eventually relapse. My father was an alcoholic and it was just something he couldn't stop and was abusive when drunk. It definitely shaped my outlook on life, but, I never for one moment resented my mother for staying with him, she had no real options and at the time there were no supports for single parents like there are today, she was a stay at home mom and financially dependent on him, plus at the time marriage was for life so leaving was almost impossible.

I think in your case you should leave him, you aren't financially dependent on him, you're virtually a single parent as it is. Don't even think about buying a house with him, especially from his sister, make a clean break from him. If you haven't already, ask your family, brothers or sisters if they can help you in the short term until you get things sorted, even just helping with child minding. They might not be aware that you are struggling, but, might help if fully aware of the situation. Is there an option to move back to the family home for awhile? Also you might need to consider putting the study on hold until you sort things out, it will at least take some of the stress away and give you time to sort out your personal life.

I empathize with your situation, it will be difficult whatever you decide to do, but, just know that it won't be forever and things can get better, it might look hopeless now, but, it can get better, reach out to family and close friends for help, you might be surprised how much they can help, some might even have experienced similar and got through it. I wish you all the best and hope things get better and work out for you.

misssunshine36 · 30-10-2022 2:23pm

Hi, I wanted to give you some advice, from my own experience. I was a single parent for many years. I too had been in a very abusive relationship, and he had alcohol issues. I found myself pregnant, after leaving the abuse, and had a toddler, less than 2 years old. I was in a terrible way, and didn't want to go through abortion again. I felt ashamed, and endured awful comments from family and judgement. I kept my baby and did try again to make relationship work. I endured more abuse and finally left when the kids were still only babies really. Luckily i had my house at the time, but had difficulty in getting him to leave. I felt ashamed, but eventually didn't care what people thought. It was very tough to stay strong, but I'm so glad I got away from him. I always worked full time, and this was tough, but was good to have a job to go to, and made lifelong friends

Their dad was in and out of their lives for years, and I basically had to put my foot down and keep him away from them, due to alcohol issues. They are now grown up, and are such great young men. They have a relationship with their dad now, but in his case, he has massive regrets of how he was.

You can do this, whether you decide to keep your baby or not. Only you can decide that. Trust me, life will get so much better when you leave him. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends and family. Moving in with family may be the best option for now, and in a couple of years, you may feel much stronger and able to get your own place again

I know how hard it is financially and mentally, but anything is better than being with an abusive alcoholic. They are the losers in the end. Do not let him abuse you anymore.

If I was your friend, I would do everything I could to help you, I'm sure your friends will be the same

30-10-2022 3:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119811679#Comment_119811679

This is very concerning. Does he know about the pregnancy? It is well known that domestic abuse tends to escalate when women are pregnant, and if he behaves like this now, i'd be worried that it will get worse.

Would you qualify for HAP if you lived alone on just your income?

madonna123 · 30-10-2022 8:53pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119812038#Comment_119812038

I’m not sure if I would qualify for HAP, I am guessing I might , my salary isn’t very high, I am a mid level civil servant but the issue more than the cost of rent is actually finding a rental property.

I set up an alert for rentals available within 15 Km’s of childcare and one property came up in the past 6 months which was €1800 per month . That price would be almost all my wages per month, I just couldn’t afford it.

The housing issue is probably one of the main factors I have stayed in the house for this long.

In response to knowing about the pregnancy, since I found out he has been on a drinking binge , I told him but I don’t think it registered with him, even if it did I don’t think it would make a difference.

His insults and abuse has escalated in the past few weeks so babies and family are not something he values.

Yonce · 30-10-2022 9:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119808649#Comment_119808649

But you have been juggling it just like those people you read about. Just right now you realize the situation isn't sustainable and all the doubts and gut feelings are telling you it isn't the way right.

I left my partner when my son was 2, I walked away with nothing, he took everything anyway, the home, the business I bought at 19, every possession I had. At the time, (and there comes a definite moment in that madness) that you realize it's out or continue taking it all and subjecting your child to a worse life than one with a single mother. I fell pregnant with my second before I left, I lost that baby but I did book a termination before that this was in the early 2000s. Once out I had nothing, stayed with family, everything falls into place but sometimes slower with babies in tow and that's ok. Life was simpler and easier to get your future plans and focus into place when not worrying about a partner like this. I now have a degree and soon to get a masters. A little late but better late than never.

I would not buy that house with him, not in a million years. There is supports out there, I know the housing situation would put fear into you right now but there are options. Children are resilient and will remember your shear strength and determination eventually. Could you talk to your GP, local women's aid? I wish you the best you sound like a good mother and hard worker you'll get there.

30-10-2022 9:17pm

Ok. I'm not saying you need it, but keep in the back of your mind, that there are emergency arrangements in place for women and children escaping unsafe situations where HAP qualifying criteria is waived for three months and there are agencies that will help with that.

See www.safeireland.ie.

Maybe also look into other entitlements you might qualify for, Working Family Payment, etc.

Stay safe.

Big Bag of Chips · 30-10-2022 9:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119813336#Comment_119813336

A phonecall to WomensAid might not be a bad idea.

30-10-2022 9:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119813368#Comment_119813368

And also Onefamily.ie

They might also be able to advise you if there is a Community Mothers programme in your area. These are ladies who will visit parents of young children and provide support where they can. Take all the help you can get.

dbas · 30-10-2022 10:01pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119811679#Comment_119811679

She sees this too. Kids grow up fast.

Drop him. That carry on can really damage a child and their future relationships.

You're getting great advice here. Some posters have been through similar situations sadly

screamer · 30-10-2022 10:28pm

Don’t waste your life with an alcoholic. They don’t change and the damage they do to spouses and kids is awful.

in your shoes I’d find out what supports I could get from social welfare. I’d not dream of buying a house from his family member. your career aspirations will have to go on the back burner, you can’t do everything all alone. If you end up burnt out or worn out who will your daughter have.

Given that you have no support structure, I’d be looking at relocating to somewhere you could afford to live in, and making a fresh start. Even caring for your mother has to be deprioritised, right now you must look after you and your children first and foremost. Your partner needs to pay maintenance for his kids too. I can’t tell you what to do regarding the new baby. Only you know what is right for you, I wouldn’t even try giving you advise on that. Finally, if you are afraid of your partner or his actions, please do seek out some advise from Womens aid or similar.

30-10-2022 10:58pm

You might be surprised at where help can come from. In my own case, it was from my mother in law. After all, she knew her son, almost as well as I did. She turned up on my doorstep when I was at a very low ebb and turned out to be a tower of strength up until the day she died

Talk to family. They can be a source of great support and strength.

deirdremf · 30-10-2022 10:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119807469#Comment_119807469

Don’t buy property with your partner, especially not from family relations.

There is a lot in the OP, a huge number of difficulties. But of all of them, this is the most important piece of advice. If you buy from his sister, even if it 'is in your name alone, he and maybe even she will be of the opinion that he has a right to live in that house. Whatever you do, don't buy from his family.

And of course, it goes without saying that you are set for a breakup - so do yourself a favour and don't buy with him.

deirdremf · 30-10-2022 11:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119809545#Comment_119809545

I really feel for you. But you needto stand back and ask yourself what is the first step you need to take. To me, it looks like you need to swallow your pride and ask for help. You gave it freely in the past, now it's your turn to receive it. The give and the take. None of us are an island, you need to let them know how much you need their help.

Kathnora · 30-10-2022 11:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119810488#Comment_119810488

I'd say it's my post you are referring to (No.34). Why is asking someone to consider a decision deemed to be emotional blackmail? Every poster has their own views and most have given excellent advice to the op. Can I not give mine? Do I have to apologise for being in favour of a new life? It seems that since abortion has become legal in Ireland no one is allowed speak against it. I did ask the op to consider not terminating her pregnancy ....it's a request and only the op can decide what she will do.

Jequ0n · 31-10-2022 12:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119813901#Comment_119813901

I couldn’t care less what you think about the concept of new life. You are free to think whatever you like, but I don’t think this is the place to debate it. The OP is looking for practical advice, not moral one.

Skibunny77 · 31-10-2022 3:31am

OP - as a single parent you will receive additional payments including toward creche fees and will move up the housing list. Ending this relationship will ultimately strengthen your financial situation.

He is an alcoholic and I’m pregnant again. What to do ?

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