New Office Whipping Girl

Schmeres · 30-10-2022 1:37pm #1

Ok - this is long, but I feel I need to explain things from the start. Here goes: I started a new job back in June. I was told by a person that works there once a week that there was a strange dynamic in the office and it might be hard to stick it out. I didn't know what he meant then, as I was new and just settling in, but boy do I know now.

There are several things going on. The first is that there is this co-worker who has been working there for 30 years since she was about 19. She and the boss (who's about 10 years older) have quite a tight relationship to the point where I think he'd put her first over his wife, who also works at the company. In fact, I've seen him do so on many an occasion and I've not been there very long. He also makes all these sexual innuendos about her in front of his wife and us all (one example being where the word 'weapon' entered their conversation for some innocent reason and he uttered the following phrase to her "can I stick you with mine?"). He fawns over her at her desk like a simp and compliments her constantly within a desk-width of his wife. He seems to be only horrible to the wife - no sweet nothings for her ears. I don't feel sorry for the wife though, as she's nothing but an absolute bitch to me, so to hell with her.

Speaking of her, we shall now move on to the wife. She always looks out for number one and passes the buck on to anyone she can. She appears most frustrated with her lot, is aware of her husband's favoritism towards the co-worker and I feel that she knows that he won't stand for any complaints against the co-worker and so, the lowest rung on the ladder, i.e. me, is fair game for all of wifey's frustrations to be taken out on.

This leads me to my main problem. More than once, I have been made a show of by the boss' wife in front of the rest of the workers for very little reason. She regularly bites my head off for something as simple as calling through to her to ask if she'll take a call from someone she doesn't like, shouting at me in a most unprofessional manner. Just this week, a **** customer called in to complain and as it happened to be me that took the call and the verbal abuse she gave me, the boss' wife somehow twisted it to make it my fault that she was upset in the first place. My way of dealing with her many outbursts thus far has been to withdraw from her completely, barely interacting with her, only when absolutely necessary to the point where I'd barely say hello to her. She'd seem to get the message initially, only to start being **** with me a week or so after again.

There are many more parts to this story - like the boss kneeling down beside my chair, leaning in way too close to me - I mean touching shoulders, hands gesticulating really close to my boobs and even looking at my boobs when he thinks I can't see (-thank you reflective Covid screens) - when discussing assignments, or his regular habit of brazenly looking me up and down, not giving an eff that I and everyone else can see him. I realise that the wife could also be mad at this, but why doesn't she have a word with her husband and not take it out on me?!?! I mean, I'd thank her for it.

To add to these murky waters, when pervy boss is paying me any kind of attention (l'm talking innocent stuff like discussing what photos to put up on a website with me), the lifer-co-worker stares daggers at us, as if he's cheating on her.

My question is- should I leave? All this **** was in existence before I started working there and has feck all to do with me. Strangely, I can put up with the boss' creepiness and coworker jealousy more than I can the wife's more regular bitchiness. As regards the love triangle - I was shocked at first that type of shenanigans went on in a little office in such blindingly obvious plain sight- my shock then turned to bemusement and now has turned to boredom!! I feel I'm soon going to blow up at the wife in any case, as I appear to be the whipping boy (or girl) for all the company's ills and I know it's not my fault every time. Even if I was at fault every time, it still wouldn't warrant the dog's abuse she doles out to me most days. Oh - and given the power the 30-year-lifer-worker has over the boss, she also sticks her oar in and can be very nasty to me at times. After all, she's as safe as houses in her job.

The great pity is, I love the work- it's just some of the people and atmosphere that I effing hate and I can't see it getting any better. But I also hate the thought of having to trawl through the job ads again after such a short time in this job and it won't look great on my CV - leaving after only just being there for four months. I'm also not 21 any more and fitting into a new job takes a lot of blooming effort and frankly, I just can't be arsed. Somewhere else could be just as bad or worse. But, weighing up the pros and cons, I think that in writing this, I've already answered my own question, but I'll ask it anyway...What to do? Should I stay or should I go?????

iamwhoiam · 30-10-2022 1:39pm

Run as fast as you can from that toxic work place

Wildly Boaring · 30-10-2022 1:50pm

Oh lordy. Run run run.

Or start an undercover reality TV show.

Mrs OBumble · 30-10-2022 1:57pm

Run.

Or fall madly in love with the wife and show her a good time beyond her wildest dreams.

Err .. RUN.

mjsc1970 · 30-10-2022 2:00pm

Leave asap. Fcuk them.

OrigamiMarquees · 30-10-2022 2:12pm

Sounds awful. Get out whilst you can.

Jequ0n · 30-10-2022 2:16pm

I am totally buying this story of course, so I suggest you stay and enjoy the job.

cuttingtimber22 · 30-10-2022 2:22pm

Odd environment. Leave …. Unless you have a history of short periods in jobs it will not make a difference to a prospective employer.

30-10-2022 2:25pm

i got as far as you starting with ooh the wife/coworker innuendo and i bailed

cbreeze · 30-10-2022 2:29pm

That's a very disturbed situation and your desire to leave the company for your own sanity is obviously tempered by the fact that a short spell in this workplace will not look good on your cv, unless you can tell any prospective employer that you only intended it to be a short term solution while you were waiting for a better opportunity. Why did your predecessor leave?

The company has obviously been going for a long time and I am guessing that the boss and his wife are the owners, assisted by the long-term colleague. They are the problem, not you! They have their own difficulties to deal with and they have spilled over into the workplace.

The boss's behaviour personally to you is repellent and must stop. Keep him away from you by putting furniture in the way or pulling out desk drawer to keep him at a distance. This is getting into the area of sexual harassment and the involvement of the Workplace Relations Commission /Gardai

Enlist the support of other colleagues. It is likely that one or more of them have suffered or witnessed the same abuse.

Write a diary with times and dates of all occurrences and incidents. It may not make you feel better but it will be useful ammunition.

Update your CV.

Check your contract for how much notice you need to give.

Pick the moment and break free when it suits you.

AMKC · 30-10-2022 2:30pm

I would say most certainly stsrt looking for other jobs. Not ever job will be as bad. In the mean time find out what the wife likes and buy her something nice just to try and get her to be less mean and to maybe try and become friends with her after all if she was a friend or even a frenimy then she might go a bit easier in you.

If that does not work do then I suggest standing up for yourself do not take fo much abuse its not good for you and if it continues then report her.

Schmeres · 30-10-2022 3:39pm

Yes, it's most disturbing and nothing that I've ever encountered before in my life. But, taking a step back from it all, I can see that there is humour in it all - I have a sense of humour and can laugh at parts of it. As I said in my post, there are multiple parts to this. What I didn't mention initially, mainly because it doesn't pertain directly to my main issue, i.e. getting shot at whenever I have to interact with the wife, is that my predecessor was fired, in my opinion, in the wrong. She'd been there 5 years and neglected do one tiny thing that could easily have been corrected and that made very little difference to anything. Her mother worked at the office also and left as a result of this action, as she felt her daughter didn't deserve this treatment and I tend to agree, based on what I've been told. So I was walking into a disaster area when I started my job without realising it. Toxic layer upon toxic layer.

As regards the inappropriate behaviour towards myself, my first reaction was disbelief and bemusement. It was almost as if it was happening to someone else. I couldn't believe someone could be so brazen and I kind of laughed it off. By way of avoiding being struck in the chest, I've taken to crossing my arms to block him and leaning away, something akin to the cat in the Pépé Le Pugh cartoon. I realise that his behaviour is most inappropriate and definitely illegal, but, as I said in my post, I can put up with that once a week or so (he's out of the office a lot) by blocking him, more than I can stand the almost daily getting eaten alive by his other half.

I realise that this all may appear like a work of fiction to some, but I only wish that it were. I mean, you couldn't make this **** up!!! I could list more weird incidences and happenings, but what I've relayed thus far is the jist.

I loathe looking for new jobs and diving into the unknown once more. I'm the most socially anxious peson I know and find trying to make friends or at least new acquaintances in new workplaces most difficult (this is my main reason for not leaving sooner- I hate that initial six months of settling in with new people/jobs). But I fear that I must get out - especially given the majority of reactions to this - both by family and friends and reactions on here. Even the act of writing it all down helped with giving me some clarity.

As an aside, I have been given no contract of employment, so technically I can leave without giving a moment's notice, which might come in handy if I eventually blow my top at herself when it finally gets too much!!

Kurooi · 30-10-2022 4:00pm

Well, it seems like that whole power hierarchy triangle (boss, wife, lover) will stay around no matter what you do. It's unlikely to improve.

Most likely end to it seems that eventually either the wife or the side show will grow jealous and get you fired. I'd run before they have the chance. If you're worried about job hunting, all the more reason to keep that CV clean.

Depending on what it is you do, I'd advise trying a larger company if possible. Those ridiculous behaviours tend to go unchecked in small groups.

Jim_Hodge · 30-10-2022 4:02pm

I echo all that has been said, but start looking fir another job now, rather than waiting for the inevitable day when you tell them to shove it.

Schmeres · 30-10-2022 4:31pm

Actually, now that you've said it, it has crossed my mind, just by me being there, that jealousy (however misplaced, in that I'm the lover's unwitting "competition" and I'm the lover's proxy, in the eyes of the wife, saying as she can't get her fired), that getting me fired is something that has also been an underlying fear of mine. This fear comes to the surface when I find myself defending myself against her (in my opinion, but perhaps I'm biased) unfair accusations. When I do defend myself, she stomps off in a huff and I suspect has a word with himself to give me a good taking to, which in turn, happens when he's next in the office. He thankfully doesn't use her shouting approach and is simply direct, which I much prefer and actually don't mind, as I'm new and I'm going to eff up on occasion - I have no objection to being corrected, just shouted at. But all this means that I'm in a very vulnerable position and as you say, I'm better to get out before I'm shoved out for giving her backchat once too often. That's a very good point.

20Wheel · 30-10-2022 4:42pm

sounds like boss and wife are in some sort of separated couple arrangement out of necessity.

both probably looking out for their kids by keeping up a facade, while setting up their power games for the upcoming divorce and legal war.

you may be a pawn on their board. collateral, doubt its personal.

893bet · 30-10-2022 5:02pm

Might be worth making the boss think he has a chance with you. Gently flirt and see the dynamic shift.

Schmeres · 30-10-2022 6:34pm

Naw- I don't want to encourage the fecker - it's not worth it!! But I'm not against building rapport, with nothing behind it but good working relations. Funny story: at the start, when I naively thought all was going well, three of us were at the lunch table (the boss, the lover and I). I had made some joke or other and bossman was laughing and joking back. The lover was sitting (on reflection, quietly seething on her phone) opposite the boss, when suddenly, she removed her footwear and pops both feet on the chair opposite her (not towards the boss, but well within his eyeshot). Well, of course, knowing what a perv he is, she knew his response would be to forget whatever he and I were talking about and to focus solely on her freshly painted red tootsies!!! And this is exactly what he did- his face lit up and he was all over those babies (verbally, of course). As she smirked in satisfaction, all I could do was laugh. I wanted to say "you're welcome to him, hon. My type isn't balding, white haired older men!!!". I thought it was sooo funny and again, I felt as though I was watching a movie, as things like this don't happen in real life. Someone I was telling this story to made the comment that it was the toe-equivalent to Sharon Stone's leg-crossing scene in Basic Instinct, which made me laugh even more!!! I definitely think a sense of humour is necessary in this job, whatever the outcome!!!

turbot · 30-10-2022 10:33pm

Keep a diary of such happenings.

Get a psychologist who also keeps a record of how all this makes you feel.

Gently request that you are treated better - in an informal nice manner.

If such poor treatment/dynamics continue - then you are in a legally strong position.

secman · 31-10-2022 9:52am

I suggest that if you stay , keep a diary of everything that you encounter. The WRC would have a field day with a case such as yours. The Company appears to be devoid of any proper HR and Employer obligations to employees. At least if you have to leave....it will cost them. All assuming you can mentally handle the atmosphere. If you are more than 2 months employed there, they are already in trouble by not giving you a Statement of Employment conditions/contract.

Best of luck with which ever decision you make.

angeleyes · 01-11-2022 6:23pm

Gosh OP there could be a novel in this, if you were to a write a post here every day and keep us entertained - you could write a book and kill off one of the people in the love triangle for "revenge".

However, I would too suggest looking for a new job, or could you go out sick because of stress? Look after yourself and keep us posted and if you are looking for a new job, the very best of luck with your search.

amdublin · 02-11-2022 4:16pm

"The great pity is, I love the work"

How is that possible working in an environment you have described?

I am not sure what advice you are looking for. Of course you should leave and get another job somewhere normal.

spaceHopper · 04-11-2022 6:13pm

Keep a diary. Next out burst from the wife ask, stand up ask for to follow you, go to meeting room. And say "Look if I've done something wrong the professional thing to do is to take me aside and explain it and for us to both hear each other out. Letting rip in the office is not acceptable or professional. Please don't do it again OK?"

Who owns the business, who's the boss's boss? Can you talk to them?

All of this should be done while looking for a new job. If you are asked why you are leaving have a prepared answer that says it's toxic without saying its toxic.

"The work is not what I thought or was told it would be, it's not challenging enough. I'd prefer to work in a larger more dynamic company...." People understand that we all make mistakes and that there are toxic work dynamics.

tinytobe · 31-12-2022 4:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119833768#Comment_119833768

That's a tough one I always found difficult to manage:

The problem is not always is a new job and a new perspective of a decent job offer within reach or on the horizon. So leaving for a new job is sadly not always the possible and doable option, even though one wants to.... Toxic workplaces tend to get worse, with all the issues attached. Some things also can't be hidden from HR and word tends to get around to other potential employers. Ireland isn't that big.

New Office Whipping Girl

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