Husband Has Invited Rude In-Laws to Stay For Christmas

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 3:15pm #1

So my husband told me he has invited his parents to stay for Christmas, as they had been hinting. Previously, I thought we had come to an agreement that he would go to theirs on Boxing Day or the day after and I would stay here to look after the animals. They live 4 hours drive away.

In the past, they have been so rude to me that I've stopped talking to them. Many, many examples and I have managed to stay restrained with the odd cutting remark when long overdue, but they can be fairly nasty. They seem to run with this theme that I don't work and live off their son, when in actual fact I am the one with the university degree and I earn slightly more than him. I do work in a university which has long holidays but I'm usually doing research and trying to get published during those holidays. Parents in law, well, father in law in particular, likes to make remarks about me being "unemployed" during this time and suggesting that I could get a part time job. Its always about how I should work harder. Its very, very odd. I'm a respected professional. Ironically, father in law was not a hard worker by any means and spent years living off mother in law, although he likes to deny it and hint at mysterious (totally ficticious) sources of income. Brother in law is also an &&&e and likes to make comments on my appearance, which at a size 8-10 and medium everything compared to his rather more bloated shape, is equally odd. Oh, and father in law also likes to hint that I'm fiddling my tax return and that he's holding back from reporting me, because I own a small flat that i rent out (all tax paid!)

Theres way more. Rather than let rip - and I am no shrinking violet - I decided just to cut them off. They have obviously worked this out now and parents in law have ramped up the attempts to contact their son, who they haven't really bothered with all that much if I'm to be honest.

The tipping point for me is that they made insinuations by way of email to my husband that I had plans to live in their overseas holiday home and use it for free accommodation for quite a long time - the reasons why I would be wanting to do this were unclear. Husband had asked them if we could stay in it for a 10 day holiday earlier in the year and they refused and gave this reason. It was quite bizarre but spelt out quite clearly in their detail, even using the words that they were "worried that X was going to take over their holiday home from them and they wouldn't be able to use it". I've been to the place once, around 12 years ago. Even husband was gobsmacked, which is presumably why he told me. I'm really concerned that they could be spreading these sort of rumours about me and I know enough people where they live (close to my former home town) that I'm worried it could affect my reputation. Goodness knows what other nonsense they are coming out with. I was actually so upset by this that I emailed (they communicate by email) mother in law with quite a nice, I though reassuring email to say that I had no such intentions and that I'd booked an AirBnB instead, but she didn't reply like she usually does. And hasn't contacted me since. I really am done with them.

Anyway, back to the present. This was about 8 months ago, and I've had a peaceful time not having to bother about their carry on any more. Husband has suggested that I "go away" during their visit. I mean, seriously? I've to leave my own home? What if they come over Christmas itself? What on earth is wrong with this family? I know perfectly well that if I'm there at the same time and they start on me, I will turn on them this time and give them the full verbal barrels of what is wrong with their behaviour. I'm icily polite and cutting when this happens, and I do respect the fact that they are old (early seventies) and my husband's parents, which is why I've bitten my tongue until now. Its almost as if they are trying to get me to react by fabricating arguments out of nothing because they can't think of anything better to do with their time.

I'm trapped, aren't I?

Xander10 · 08-11-2022 3:23pm

Tell him to un-invite them.

Maybe week before explain you both have Covid and will be self isolating

Jequ0n · 08-11-2022 3:27pm

The parents in law aren’t the issue here. You need to sort out with your husband how this day is supposed to be managed.

They sound unpleasant, but many people keep contact with their parents despite the negative impact it has on their lives. Check why he wants to have them over, and take it form there. If you categorically refuse the idea you will be confirming what they say about you.

On a side note: your attitude leaves a lot to be desired, too, and will not be helping the situation.

Panthro · 08-11-2022 3:27pm

Eh, tell your husband to cancel that invite fairly flipping rapid.

I presume you own/rent 50/50 of the accommodation you are in together? Why on earth should you "leave" your home to accommodate them?! What the hell is your husband even thinking suggesting such a thing?! Welcome people into your home together as a couple or not at all.

And don't bother emailing them ever again. They sound like time sinks.

And while I'm here, nudge your husband to stick up for you a bit more when it comes to his family.

DownByTheGarden · 08-11-2022 3:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849468#Comment_119849468

I have a test that has 2 black lines that comes in very handy when needed. Everyone should have one of these :)

Also dont wash the bed clothes on your bed. Let them get dirty and stinky. Then the day before the in-laws come put nice fresh ones on your bed and put your dirty ones on theirs. Do everything you can to make them "decide" not to come again :)

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 3:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849491#Comment_119849491

I'm pretty sure that he has invited them because our house has just been extended and redecorated and he wants to impress them or make them proud of him - it was a bit of a wreck when we bought it and we have worked hard to renovate it.

I don't think he realises that he will never impress his parents, nothing he ever does will be good enough and that they will just criticise me if the house has nothing to criticise in it. (one of their previous criticisms was that I should work harder to buy a house that didn't require work to be done on it). They are just the most soul sucking people to be around. I have never stopped him going to stay with his parents over Christmas but to be honest, he has been having such a miserable time of it he missed a year or two (once he got take to brother in law's and they didn't have a seat for him for the Christmas meal, so they sat him in a child sized seat at the kid's table with all the kids, none of whom were older than 12 at the time). And his parents are apparently fed up hosting now and want their children to host them.

Unfortunately, husband is still his parents' son and when I asked him to cancel the invite he refused. He also starts shouting and then walks off, shouting at me, when I try to discuss it. He is also amazingly timid when his parents are around and doesn't stick up for me, or pretends not to hear them criticising me. We have obviously had words about him shouting at me and how unacceptable it is, but he still does it and it causes arguments. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I don't shout at people the moment I disagree with them or don't get my own way.

I'm pretty fed up.

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 3:48pm

Oh, and they won't just come for a day. The last time they visited, they came for a week.

TheBlock · 08-11-2022 3:53pm

They Live 4 Hours away, give them dinner let them stay the one night then tell them to GTF. Too old for that sort if shite..

Pistachio19 · 08-11-2022 4:36pm

No you are not trapped. You need to remind your husband of all the ways they have treated you badly, hence the reason you are no contact with them. There isn't a chance in hell I would have them over for a coffee, let alone stay for Christmas.

ChickenDish · 08-11-2022 4:48pm

Way I see it, you have 3 options:

Let them stay and go full postal at the first snide comment, this will discourage any further visits (Inform hubby he is opening Pandora's box)
Go away for Xams, this will encourage more visits (not an option for me personally)
Tell hubby **** this ****, it's your house as well, either tell them fcuk off or he go and stay with them somewhere else (Personally this is my choice)

Marriage is about compromise, at this stage it sounds as if you've done all the compromising. Remind your husband you married him not his parents. No one needs toxic fcuks like that in their lives - good luck OP!

theteal · 08-11-2022 4:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849819#Comment_119849819

lots of this tbh

08-11-2022 5:26pm

The lack of support from your husband, is the bigger issue here. He should never have issued the invitation without discussing with you first, but I suspect he knows full well how you'd react - bute as they say "its better to ask forgiveness than to seek permission". He'll argue he can't rescind the invitation now.

The tipping point for me is that they made insinuations by way of email to my husband that I had plans to live in their overseas holiday home and use it for free accommodation for quite a long time - the reasons why I would be wanting to do this were unclear.

I'd then tell hubby how he rescinds the invite is not your problem. Suggest he emails them and says if they come to stay they might get too comfortable at yours, and "he's worried they might stay for quite a long time"

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 5:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849952#Comment_119849952

Yes, its a big problem. He is condoning their treatment of me by inviting them. I have honestly put up with them politely for years, not rising to their insults or attempts to cause arguments, on the basis that I didn't have to see them that often. And all it has done is to make them more bold. I'm not their only target, they've done it to another family member as well (who was perfectly nice and has now cut off contact with them).

Really not happy with my husband on this at all. He keeps saying "Its my house". Its not his house. We own it jointly. I don't know how he has even formed the opinion that its "his house".

Hannibal_Smith · 08-11-2022 7:49pm

Husband has suggested that I "go away" during their visit.

Your husband has invited his family over, despite all the issues they've caused you and suggested YOU go away during their visit? Is that right?

No, you're not trapped. It's your home too. If they're coming they behave themselves or they'll be on a 4 hour trip back home and your husband needs to tell them that.

YellowLead · 08-11-2022 7:50pm

Sounds like husband is the real problem here. If he says to your face it’s ‘his house’ then clearly that’s where his parents got the impression from.

Are you happy with him apart from this issue? Or is it a case of you are married so feel like you should stick with it?

northknife · 08-11-2022 7:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849819#Comment_119849819

I'd add another option to these..

If you have the room with the new extension, invite some friends of yours to stay also. Cnuts like your parents-in-law only try this **** when there isn't anyone from outside their comfort zone when they feel they can do what they like.

If the inlaws still try their snide comments have your friends informed of what they could be like and when the snideness starts, have them respond by saying, "oh dear donedealfan, I never believed you when you said your inlaws were complete pricks, but I now I understand why you didn't want them here...........

Kurooi · 08-11-2022 8:23pm

Your husband dropped the ball on this one. Maybe he was trapped too , he doesn't want to 'be done' with his own parents so the fact he wants to invite them makes perfect human sense. But he should have told you this before he did it. This behaviour is out of line and you're well within reason to uninvite them.

And if his intention was to try and smooth things over between all of you then that again would make perfect sense. But he suggested you leave? I'd suggest he can leave lol. Uninviting a person from their own home on Christmas, the cheek.

mailforkev · 08-11-2022 8:30pm

The old Mumsnet trope of “you don’t have an in-laws problem, you have a husband problem” deffo applies here.

Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t get to unilaterally invite anyone to stay in your shared home.

08-11-2022 8:44pm

Leopards don't change their spots so the in laws have been like this since day dot imo. Smacks of the OP's husband desperately seeking the approval of his parents with the work done to the house but it will never come, nothing is ever good enough for bitter and spiteful people like that.

amdublin · 08-11-2022 9:13pm

Is this a cultural thing by any chance? Are you English? (you used some English terms e.g. boxing day and "flat" that you rent). And then your husband and inlaws are Irish??

Jim2007 · 08-11-2022 9:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849591#Comment_119849591

You need to sort out the situation with your husband, he obviously knows the situation and he also knows that it is easier to get around you than them. Explain to him in no uncertain terms that the house is simply not available to them period and that if he wants to meet up with them, then they can do so at a hotel for dinner and stay there for weeks if they want to.

saabsaab · 08-11-2022 9:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119850482#Comment_119850482

You need back up on the day invite some of your friends/family over. If he can so can you.

SCOOP 64 · 08-11-2022 9:46pm

No matter what you do now bar spending Christmas away from you husband and inlaws its going to end badly.

08-11-2022 10:22pm

If you "go away" for Christmas then who'll purchase, prepare and cook the dinner? Is bozospouse assuming that you will?

08-11-2022 10:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058270935/husband-has-invited-rude-in-laws-to-stay-for-christmas

Tell husband that you’re going to their holiday home seeing as they won’t be using it. Let him entertain them and enjoy the break. There are numerous ways of skinning a cat.

HildaOgdenx · 08-11-2022 10:48pm

Mod Note - I have deleted some off topic chit chat.

If you are new to PI please read the charter before posting.

Thank you.

Hilda

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 11:17pm

In answer to a few questions (thanks for some of the great suggestions by the way!), I'm mostly happy with husband otherwise. Not happy with the shouting but he accepts "this is how he was raised" and its wrong.

His mother has apparently been putting pressure on him about Christmas. They don't want to host any more, they want to go each of their children each Christmas from now. That means every third year. I might emigrate! I haven't been to theirs (or any of their family's) for many years. My own parents have passed away.

The inlaws really are thick skinned. I can quite seriously imagine them being rude and me telling them to leave, and them just refusing and ignoring me. They have such a high opinion of themselves, they think no-one can tell them what to do. And probably no-one ever stands up to them. They're also incredibly bossy, and prone to issuing orders. I'm trying to think of something nice to say about them and I'm really struggling.

I'm wary of putting anything in writing to them, as it will be used for ever more in evidence against me. Possibly printed off and produced on occasions. And since my last email was ignored, I suspect any future ones will be too.

It might be cultural. I'm not English.

I have a group of very nice gay male friends. Father-in-law is very erm lets just say traditional in his views. Rude, outspoken. Thinks its nice to say horrible things about other people but no-one can say anything back to him. I really think it would be a lovely group gathering with them all together!

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 11:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119851013#Comment_119851013

Presumably mother in law and he would together. I asked him again just now and managed not to get shouted at. He isn't sure of their plans, they have told him they might want to come for Christmas as its his turn to host and they are doing this each year now with each of their children because "they're old now" and too old to host family themselves. They haven't said for definite that they're coming or given dates and he believes they also might come before or after Christmas. He did ask them for dates and his mother just didn't give them and was very vague. He isn't particularly happy sounding either about it but seems to think that he should put up with it for however long they're here because they're his parents and he won't have to do it again for a while if he does. He clearly hasn't thought through what might happen or what might go wrong, his mother seems to just tell him what to do on this issue and he just does it without question. Its a very odd dynamic, because it ends up being me who does the questioning and then that of course makes me the bad guy.

martingriff · 08-11-2022 11:40pm

Whatever you do don't go away for Christmas. Talk with your husband and make he listen. You also have to understand also there his parents and who knows how long I'd left with them. In saying that he needs to understand who he is in a relationship with and comments like that should not be tolerated. It be more impactful if it comes from your husband.

Also the thing I'd his parents know how to push your button and get to "blow up" for want of an even better word

If they come be there be the perfect host and ignore them (know this is easier said then done) as this will irritate them as they are not making you exode as they thought

08-11-2022 11:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119851273#Comment_119851273

Your husband needs to grow a pair.

saabsaab · 08-11-2022 11:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119851240#Comment_119851240

Yes invite a few of your gay friends along tell your husband too.

Husband Has Invited Rude In-Laws to Stay For Christmas

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