Husband Has Invited Rude In-Laws to Stay For Christmas

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 3:15pm #1

So my husband told me he has invited his parents to stay for Christmas, as they had been hinting. Previously, I thought we had come to an agreement that he would go to theirs on Boxing Day or the day after and I would stay here to look after the animals. They live 4 hours drive away.

In the past, they have been so rude to me that I've stopped talking to them. Many, many examples and I have managed to stay restrained with the odd cutting remark when long overdue, but they can be fairly nasty. They seem to run with this theme that I don't work and live off their son, when in actual fact I am the one with the university degree and I earn slightly more than him. I do work in a university which has long holidays but I'm usually doing research and trying to get published during those holidays. Parents in law, well, father in law in particular, likes to make remarks about me being "unemployed" during this time and suggesting that I could get a part time job. Its always about how I should work harder. Its very, very odd. I'm a respected professional. Ironically, father in law was not a hard worker by any means and spent years living off mother in law, although he likes to deny it and hint at mysterious (totally ficticious) sources of income. Brother in law is also an &&&e and likes to make comments on my appearance, which at a size 8-10 and medium everything compared to his rather more bloated shape, is equally odd. Oh, and father in law also likes to hint that I'm fiddling my tax return and that he's holding back from reporting me, because I own a small flat that i rent out (all tax paid!)

Theres way more. Rather than let rip - and I am no shrinking violet - I decided just to cut them off. They have obviously worked this out now and parents in law have ramped up the attempts to contact their son, who they haven't really bothered with all that much if I'm to be honest.

The tipping point for me is that they made insinuations by way of email to my husband that I had plans to live in their overseas holiday home and use it for free accommodation for quite a long time - the reasons why I would be wanting to do this were unclear. Husband had asked them if we could stay in it for a 10 day holiday earlier in the year and they refused and gave this reason. It was quite bizarre but spelt out quite clearly in their detail, even using the words that they were "worried that X was going to take over their holiday home from them and they wouldn't be able to use it". I've been to the place once, around 12 years ago. Even husband was gobsmacked, which is presumably why he told me. I'm really concerned that they could be spreading these sort of rumours about me and I know enough people where they live (close to my former home town) that I'm worried it could affect my reputation. Goodness knows what other nonsense they are coming out with. I was actually so upset by this that I emailed (they communicate by email) mother in law with quite a nice, I though reassuring email to say that I had no such intentions and that I'd booked an AirBnB instead, but she didn't reply like she usually does. And hasn't contacted me since. I really am done with them.

Anyway, back to the present. This was about 8 months ago, and I've had a peaceful time not having to bother about their carry on any more. Husband has suggested that I "go away" during their visit. I mean, seriously? I've to leave my own home? What if they come over Christmas itself? What on earth is wrong with this family? I know perfectly well that if I'm there at the same time and they start on me, I will turn on them this time and give them the full verbal barrels of what is wrong with their behaviour. I'm icily polite and cutting when this happens, and I do respect the fact that they are old (early seventies) and my husband's parents, which is why I've bitten my tongue until now. Its almost as if they are trying to get me to react by fabricating arguments out of nothing because they can't think of anything better to do with their time.

I'm trapped, aren't I?

Xander10 · 08-11-2022 3:23pm

Tell him to un-invite them.

Maybe week before explain you both have Covid and will be self isolating

Jequ0n · 08-11-2022 3:27pm

The parents in law aren’t the issue here. You need to sort out with your husband how this day is supposed to be managed.

They sound unpleasant, but many people keep contact with their parents despite the negative impact it has on their lives. Check why he wants to have them over, and take it form there. If you categorically refuse the idea you will be confirming what they say about you.

On a side note: your attitude leaves a lot to be desired, too, and will not be helping the situation.

Panthro · 08-11-2022 3:27pm

Eh, tell your husband to cancel that invite fairly flipping rapid.

I presume you own/rent 50/50 of the accommodation you are in together? Why on earth should you "leave" your home to accommodate them?! What the hell is your husband even thinking suggesting such a thing?! Welcome people into your home together as a couple or not at all.

And don't bother emailing them ever again. They sound like time sinks.

And while I'm here, nudge your husband to stick up for you a bit more when it comes to his family.

DownByTheGarden · 08-11-2022 3:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849468#Comment_119849468

I have a test that has 2 black lines that comes in very handy when needed. Everyone should have one of these :)

Also dont wash the bed clothes on your bed. Let them get dirty and stinky. Then the day before the in-laws come put nice fresh ones on your bed and put your dirty ones on theirs. Do everything you can to make them "decide" not to come again :)

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 3:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849491#Comment_119849491

I'm pretty sure that he has invited them because our house has just been extended and redecorated and he wants to impress them or make them proud of him - it was a bit of a wreck when we bought it and we have worked hard to renovate it.

I don't think he realises that he will never impress his parents, nothing he ever does will be good enough and that they will just criticise me if the house has nothing to criticise in it. (one of their previous criticisms was that I should work harder to buy a house that didn't require work to be done on it). They are just the most soul sucking people to be around. I have never stopped him going to stay with his parents over Christmas but to be honest, he has been having such a miserable time of it he missed a year or two (once he got take to brother in law's and they didn't have a seat for him for the Christmas meal, so they sat him in a child sized seat at the kid's table with all the kids, none of whom were older than 12 at the time). And his parents are apparently fed up hosting now and want their children to host them.

Unfortunately, husband is still his parents' son and when I asked him to cancel the invite he refused. He also starts shouting and then walks off, shouting at me, when I try to discuss it. He is also amazingly timid when his parents are around and doesn't stick up for me, or pretends not to hear them criticising me. We have obviously had words about him shouting at me and how unacceptable it is, but he still does it and it causes arguments. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I don't shout at people the moment I disagree with them or don't get my own way.

I'm pretty fed up.

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 3:48pm

Oh, and they won't just come for a day. The last time they visited, they came for a week.

TheBlock · 08-11-2022 3:53pm

They Live 4 Hours away, give them dinner let them stay the one night then tell them to GTF. Too old for that sort if shite..

Pistachio19 · 08-11-2022 4:36pm

No you are not trapped. You need to remind your husband of all the ways they have treated you badly, hence the reason you are no contact with them. There isn't a chance in hell I would have them over for a coffee, let alone stay for Christmas.

ChickenDish · 08-11-2022 4:48pm

Way I see it, you have 3 options:

Let them stay and go full postal at the first snide comment, this will discourage any further visits (Inform hubby he is opening Pandora's box)
Go away for Xams, this will encourage more visits (not an option for me personally)
Tell hubby **** this ****, it's your house as well, either tell them fcuk off or he go and stay with them somewhere else (Personally this is my choice)

Marriage is about compromise, at this stage it sounds as if you've done all the compromising. Remind your husband you married him not his parents. No one needs toxic fcuks like that in their lives - good luck OP!

theteal · 08-11-2022 4:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849819#Comment_119849819

lots of this tbh

08-11-2022 5:26pm

The lack of support from your husband, is the bigger issue here. He should never have issued the invitation without discussing with you first, but I suspect he knows full well how you'd react - bute as they say "its better to ask forgiveness than to seek permission". He'll argue he can't rescind the invitation now.

The tipping point for me is that they made insinuations by way of email to my husband that I had plans to live in their overseas holiday home and use it for free accommodation for quite a long time - the reasons why I would be wanting to do this were unclear.

I'd then tell hubby how he rescinds the invite is not your problem. Suggest he emails them and says if they come to stay they might get too comfortable at yours, and "he's worried they might stay for quite a long time"

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 5:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849952#Comment_119849952

Yes, its a big problem. He is condoning their treatment of me by inviting them. I have honestly put up with them politely for years, not rising to their insults or attempts to cause arguments, on the basis that I didn't have to see them that often. And all it has done is to make them more bold. I'm not their only target, they've done it to another family member as well (who was perfectly nice and has now cut off contact with them).

Really not happy with my husband on this at all. He keeps saying "Its my house". Its not his house. We own it jointly. I don't know how he has even formed the opinion that its "his house".

Hannibal_Smith · 08-11-2022 7:49pm

Husband has suggested that I "go away" during their visit.

Your husband has invited his family over, despite all the issues they've caused you and suggested YOU go away during their visit? Is that right?

No, you're not trapped. It's your home too. If they're coming they behave themselves or they'll be on a 4 hour trip back home and your husband needs to tell them that.

YellowLead · 08-11-2022 7:50pm

Sounds like husband is the real problem here. If he says to your face it’s ‘his house’ then clearly that’s where his parents got the impression from.

Are you happy with him apart from this issue? Or is it a case of you are married so feel like you should stick with it?

northknife · 08-11-2022 7:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849819#Comment_119849819

I'd add another option to these..

If you have the room with the new extension, invite some friends of yours to stay also. Cnuts like your parents-in-law only try this **** when there isn't anyone from outside their comfort zone when they feel they can do what they like.

If the inlaws still try their snide comments have your friends informed of what they could be like and when the snideness starts, have them respond by saying, "oh dear donedealfan, I never believed you when you said your inlaws were complete pricks, but I now I understand why you didn't want them here...........

Kurooi · 08-11-2022 8:23pm

Your husband dropped the ball on this one. Maybe he was trapped too , he doesn't want to 'be done' with his own parents so the fact he wants to invite them makes perfect human sense. But he should have told you this before he did it. This behaviour is out of line and you're well within reason to uninvite them.

And if his intention was to try and smooth things over between all of you then that again would make perfect sense. But he suggested you leave? I'd suggest he can leave lol. Uninviting a person from their own home on Christmas, the cheek.

mailforkev · 08-11-2022 8:30pm

The old Mumsnet trope of “you don’t have an in-laws problem, you have a husband problem” deffo applies here.

Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t get to unilaterally invite anyone to stay in your shared home.

08-11-2022 8:44pm

Leopards don't change their spots so the in laws have been like this since day dot imo. Smacks of the OP's husband desperately seeking the approval of his parents with the work done to the house but it will never come, nothing is ever good enough for bitter and spiteful people like that.

amdublin · 08-11-2022 9:13pm

Is this a cultural thing by any chance? Are you English? (you used some English terms e.g. boxing day and "flat" that you rent). And then your husband and inlaws are Irish??

Jim2007 · 08-11-2022 9:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119849591#Comment_119849591

You need to sort out the situation with your husband, he obviously knows the situation and he also knows that it is easier to get around you than them. Explain to him in no uncertain terms that the house is simply not available to them period and that if he wants to meet up with them, then they can do so at a hotel for dinner and stay there for weeks if they want to.

saabsaab · 08-11-2022 9:40pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119850482#Comment_119850482

You need back up on the day invite some of your friends/family over. If he can so can you.

SCOOP 64 · 08-11-2022 9:46pm

No matter what you do now bar spending Christmas away from you husband and inlaws its going to end badly.

08-11-2022 10:22pm

If you "go away" for Christmas then who'll purchase, prepare and cook the dinner? Is bozospouse assuming that you will?

08-11-2022 10:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058270935/husband-has-invited-rude-in-laws-to-stay-for-christmas

Tell husband that you’re going to their holiday home seeing as they won’t be using it. Let him entertain them and enjoy the break. There are numerous ways of skinning a cat.

HildaOgdenx · 08-11-2022 10:48pm

Mod Note - I have deleted some off topic chit chat.

If you are new to PI please read the charter before posting.

Thank you.

Hilda

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 11:17pm

In answer to a few questions (thanks for some of the great suggestions by the way!), I'm mostly happy with husband otherwise. Not happy with the shouting but he accepts "this is how he was raised" and its wrong.

His mother has apparently been putting pressure on him about Christmas. They don't want to host any more, they want to go each of their children each Christmas from now. That means every third year. I might emigrate! I haven't been to theirs (or any of their family's) for many years. My own parents have passed away.

The inlaws really are thick skinned. I can quite seriously imagine them being rude and me telling them to leave, and them just refusing and ignoring me. They have such a high opinion of themselves, they think no-one can tell them what to do. And probably no-one ever stands up to them. They're also incredibly bossy, and prone to issuing orders. I'm trying to think of something nice to say about them and I'm really struggling.

I'm wary of putting anything in writing to them, as it will be used for ever more in evidence against me. Possibly printed off and produced on occasions. And since my last email was ignored, I suspect any future ones will be too.

It might be cultural. I'm not English.

I have a group of very nice gay male friends. Father-in-law is very erm lets just say traditional in his views. Rude, outspoken. Thinks its nice to say horrible things about other people but no-one can say anything back to him. I really think it would be a lovely group gathering with them all together!

DoneDealFan · 08-11-2022 11:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119851013#Comment_119851013

Presumably mother in law and he would together. I asked him again just now and managed not to get shouted at. He isn't sure of their plans, they have told him they might want to come for Christmas as its his turn to host and they are doing this each year now with each of their children because "they're old now" and too old to host family themselves. They haven't said for definite that they're coming or given dates and he believes they also might come before or after Christmas. He did ask them for dates and his mother just didn't give them and was very vague. He isn't particularly happy sounding either about it but seems to think that he should put up with it for however long they're here because they're his parents and he won't have to do it again for a while if he does. He clearly hasn't thought through what might happen or what might go wrong, his mother seems to just tell him what to do on this issue and he just does it without question. Its a very odd dynamic, because it ends up being me who does the questioning and then that of course makes me the bad guy.

martingriff · 08-11-2022 11:40pm

Whatever you do don't go away for Christmas. Talk with your husband and make he listen. You also have to understand also there his parents and who knows how long I'd left with them. In saying that he needs to understand who he is in a relationship with and comments like that should not be tolerated. It be more impactful if it comes from your husband.

Also the thing I'd his parents know how to push your button and get to "blow up" for want of an even better word

If they come be there be the perfect host and ignore them (know this is easier said then done) as this will irritate them as they are not making you exode as they thought

08-11-2022 11:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119851273#Comment_119851273

Your husband needs to grow a pair.

saabsaab · 08-11-2022 11:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119851240#Comment_119851240

Yes invite a few of your gay friends along tell your husband too.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-11-2022 12:58am

Am I right in thinking this has been going on for years? Some of the details in your posts are very familiar, you've posted about them before. I'm not exactly sure what you can do if your husband is not willing to respect your boundaries with regards to them. But I would stop politely biting your tongue. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow them to disrespect you. It sounds like you will not get any satisfaction one way or another, but you don't have to tolerate their rudeness or disrespect in your home.

You don't have to blow up at them. You can of course if you think it will make you feel better. But you can point out to them that they are being rude, or down right wrong in what they say. Your husband, maybe due to his history with them, is not likely to be able to stand up to them. Not yet. Maybe if you do, he might find the strength to eventually do it too.

I would not be leaving my house for them, but I would not be rolling out the red carpet either. Your husband shouldn't be asking them what dates they are coming for. They have decided that they are coming to you for Christmas this year. They don't get to decide the dates. You do. I would also be letting your husband do all the shopping, preparation and cooking. His parents already think you are useless so you should use that to your advantage. I wouldn't worry too much what they say to others about you. I'm pretty sure others know what they are like. As you said - you're not the only one they target.

seaninbayarea · 09-11-2022 1:33am

I think you should email them and tell them your husband issued the invitation without discussing with you first, and you would much prefer it if they didn’t come. It’s the truth. Give husband chance to withdraw prior to sending , but send if he doesn’t. At least that way everyone knows where they stand.

ChickenDish · 09-11-2022 9:31am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119850482#Comment_119850482

Actually this could work a treat, I've a few gay friends and they can be quiet cutting to people they dislike. Assemble the troops and prepare them for war 😂 If hubby pipes up tell him "It's my house". Tell the friends to be camp as possible, loud as possible and rude as possible to the toxic inlaws. This tactic will undoubtedly discourage any further visits.

As for family outings on the Hubby's side, I'd dodge them like the plague, your not obliged to attend any of them. Personally I give zero fcuk's what they inlaws thought of me if they were like this. Personally I'm pretty lucky with my inlaws and any grief I've gotten off them was well deserved. Make sure the hubby tells the 2 toxic cnuts that Xmas will be like pride week in your house.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-11-2022 9:38am

@ChickenDish and @northknife tone down the language. You are posting in the Personal Issues Forum.

Deeec · 09-11-2022 10:12am

Tell your husband that they can come for christmas dinner but cant sleep in the house. This means you only have to put up with them in the house for a few hours. They can book into a hotel or drive back home after dinner. I suspect this will turn them off.

Or can you say that you and husband are going to your family for Christmas and say that husband wasnt aware of this.

Failing all the above you could always come down with covid on the 23rd December 😉😜

Cluedo Monopoly · 09-11-2022 11:31am

Messy one but not uncommon.

Your husband is the main issue here and needs to back you. He should have done so from the beginning. Your core family is the most important. I would not tolerate disrespectful behaviour from any of my relations towards my wife.

Honestly I would recommend a counsellor for your husband. It sounds like he grew up in a very controlling and dishonest environment.

ManOfMystery · 09-11-2022 11:55am

Totally agree here that your husband is the issue. The in-laws might be complete cretins, but he is the one who is allowing them to get away with it.

If my parents or siblings treated my wife in that kind of manner, no matter how good a relationship I have with them, I would be calling them out on it and if they refused to stop then I'd be cutting ties. You are his wife and he is meant to have your back, always.

His suggestion of you leaving your own home over Christmas just to facilitate their visit is ridiculous and totally out of place. He really needs to have a serious think about his perspective on all this.

Garibaldi? · 09-11-2022 1:10pm

Covid is your best ally here. Confirmed at the eleventh hour. "So unfortunate that plans need to be cancelled.But we understand that you folks are in a vulnerable age-group.We would never forgive ourselves if you became ill"(though by your descripction of them the Bubonic plague wouldnt touch them with a bargepole.) 🤣🤣🤣 Problem will not be totally eradicated, but the most effective method of eating an elephant is reputed to be in small bites. You can play it by ear after that.No need for a showdown.

Seth Brundle · 09-11-2022 1:13pm

In terms of suggestions that the OP should leave her home over Christmas while the in-laws come, this is not good advice and simply reaffirms the in-laws view that their daughter in-law (the OP) is the one with the problem.

The OP needs for her husband to recognise the problem (i.e. him) and man-up to his responsibilities and who his priority in life is. He needs to be loyal to his wife and not be hen-pecked by his parents. By inviting the parents knowing without discussing with the OP whilst aware that there is an issue shows how he is not being loyal to his wife, not treating her as an equal in the relationship. By defining their home together as his pretty much confirms this.

The OP needs to make it clear that her husband needs to treat her with the respect due and discuss matters such as this together. Then they need to discuss Christmas. If it does go ahead, then the OP needs for her husband to stand up to any demeaning or offensive remarks made by his parents. He needs to set the boundaries with them before they come and when doing this he needs to state that he will not stand for it and not in such a way that it becomes "DoneDealFan doesn't want you to say those things" which is the cowardly way.

DoneDealFan · 09-11-2022 1:39pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119852616#Comment_119852616

I've been putting up with this for years. He has literally stood back and watched them be rude to me. Obviously it causes arguments between us. I'm always amazed at how he can shout at me storm off but he literally can't say boo to a goose when his parents are around. I guess its ok when its not you who is getting the snash?

Anyway, he was very vague with this with me initially because they won't firm up their plans. His mother emails him about not having seen him for a while but they literally drive past our home town regularly and won't visit, dating from long before I worked out what they were really like and there was no tension. They like to make him drive an 8 hour round trip to visit them. He has also revealed that they are passing close by our place next week on their way back from their holiday home (we live about 1 1/2 hours away from the ferry port). He has suggested that they call in on their drive back home for a visit, knowing I am going to be away on those days next week with work.

Surprise surprise, they won't commit to this but have said that they don't have time to stop and they will be passing by around 2pm. Of course he won't be back from work until 6pm so he has suggested they meet him at the town he works in instead, which is also on their route home. This could be interesting, as he has never previously questioned their plans or made more suggestions to them. I know perfectly well that they won't, they won't put themselves out and they only like seeing people when they have to run around in circles changing their plans.

DoneDealFan · 09-11-2022 1:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119852862#Comment_119852862

Unfortunately, the parents in law have absolutely no fear of covid. They think its all a hoax (while being unvaccinated up to the nines) and paid little attention to lockdowns. What would work is inviting other people over, and making them aware that they won't be the centre of attention and that there will be other people there to observe their bad behaviour. They almost certainly won't come if I do that. Since I'm being ignored, I will get my husband to email them to arrange rooms, etc eg "We were thinking of putting you in the back bedroom because Sue and her husband are staying in the front one because they've managed to get a babysitter, and Paul and David are going in the room next to the conservatory. Theres also quite a few more people dropping in as we've decided to invite quite a few round. They're all looking forward to meeting you!"

joe40 · 09-11-2022 2:06pm

That is an awkward situation but there is no way you should be disrespected like that in your own home. Will there be children involved with Santa presents etc. It would be totally unfair to ruin their christmas with tension in the house.

For what it's worth I would probably let the visit go ahead, but do not put yourself to any hassle hosting. Let your husband do the cooking/entertaining etc.

Also 70s is not elderly if they're in good health.

DoneDealFan · 09-11-2022 2:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119853046#Comment_119853046

We don't have children. Theres absolutely no way though that I would let them near my children, if I had them. I wouldn't want them to see that behaviour or listen to some of the things they say, or worse still, be influenced by it and think its ok!

I've honestly had enough. It won't be happening. I am not having them stay here.

northknife · 09-11-2022 2:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119852960#Comment_119852960

That's a really good one. I'd go with that and let them mull over it for a few days and my guess would be that they will make other plans.

I wouldn't even say you were "thinking" of putting them in the back(box) room. Just do it. They are going there and that's it.

If your husband has a problem with this I'd advise him to get a blowup bed so that he can sleep on the floor beside them

Irish_rat · 09-11-2022 2:41pm

The problem here is not your in-laws per se but your husband.

My mother has always made comments about ex's I've been with in my 20's to me. It's all of this mentality that I'm still her little boy.

Over the last year I've been with a foreign gf and a little older and the comments have started again without even meeting her. I mid 30's now and don't put up with any rubbish so I basically put her in her place. Obviously things will get interesting when she meets them but I'll always back her up and never put through a situation like your husband is doing.

Your husband should be shielding you away from a lot of this nonsense and keeping things at arms length. Sure family is important but he didn't marry them. He should be at your side through all of it.

pauly58 · 09-11-2022 3:03pm

I feel very sorry for you, your husband sounds a bit of a pig & a spineless one at that. I wonder just how happy your marriage really is.

We had a similar situation many years ago, my parents just announced they were coming over from the UK to stay with us for Christmas. My wife was ill at the time, we had a farm to run & the boys were both very young, toddlers in fact. I was blunt on the phone & said I thought they might have asked first, after much huffiness, she agreed to forget the idea. It was all my mother's doing anyway.

I can't see an easy way round your problem, but I certainly wouldn't go away, rather give your husband an ultimatum ; the mammy or you.

AndyBoBandy · 09-11-2022 4:19pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119852960#Comment_119852960

"We were thinking of putting you in the back bedroom because Sue and her husband are staying in the front one because they've managed to get a babysitter, and Paul and David are going in the room next to the conservatory. Theres also quite a few more people dropping in as we've decided to invite quite a few round. They're all looking forward to meeting you!"

This sort of line would be prefect, but I'd change Sue and her Husband to Fabio & his gimp, Pascal

But seriously, yes, let them know that they won't be alone, and others will be there.... and I bet they either don't come, or come for a flying visit...

mumo3 · 09-11-2022 4:41pm

Jesus my back is up for you, and I've no idea who you are, but I've been there but with my husbands sister in law.

Just remember they are visitors in your home, and I would be reminding them of that if they feel the need to make a snide comment. Don't even look for your husband for back up, he's not getting off that fence. You need to remember you're in this fight alone and go at it by only worrying about your feelings and not how he's going to feel if you react to their behaviour.

Take it as nothing more than marking your territory and why shouldn't you be marking it?

I personally would go out of my way to make them feel uncomfortable, without dropping the welcoming smile. (it's a skill I've obtained over the years 😂)

PS: who gives a sh!t if they like you..... they don't pay your bills, so their opinion has no impact on your life.

Neyite · 09-11-2022 5:57pm

Well you've given this a lot of thought, and while yes, you do have a Husband problem, the one he has of Fear Obligation & Guilt (FOG) can take a very long time to fight his way out of particularly if they are difficult people like in this case. This has been going on all his life, so to be fair to him it's hardly possible for him to have it sorted by Christmas.

I suggest asking him if you can both talk about this calmly. You've your reasons for intensely disliking this proposal but he likely has too - and he's so enmeshed that it's impossible for him to address it without a lot of work. He was probably manipulated into offering or was told they were coming and he's never known how to say no to them (and they DO sound like total doses!)by any chance does he have a sibling who is the golden child and can do no wrong? if so then it's classic FOG and they are well versed in manipulative tactics.

So, neither of you want them to come. He'd like to show off the house, that may be the family scapegoat trying to impress them and finally gain approval that he never ever got. You know they are awful to everyone, not just you. Toxic Parents by Susan Foward is a book that I've often seen recommended in similar situations.

I wonder if you asked him to communicate that you will be there for the entire Christmas, and are adamant that you will not be leaving your own house to accommodate anyone and that you have several friends who will also be staying, would it put them off coming? I would not put a single thing in writing, you are right there.

The other option is to take the blame. They already hate you it seems for no reason so does it really matter if they hate you for the time you Ruined Christmas, along with all the other imaginary stuff? Tell him to say that DoneDealFan wont have them to stay because they've made it clear that they want zero relationship with you. If they get offended and tell everyone how awful you are, you might get several years peace!

DoneDealFan · 09-11-2022 6:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119853977#Comment_119853977

I'd say this is spot on. His younger brother is the Golden Child, but the strange thing is, the parents in law are worse to anyone who is more successful or has had a more interesting life than them. So in no way would my husband be a scapegoat in anyone else's mind - he's got a better job than anyone else in the family, a nicer house, lives in a more expensive part of the country, etc, but a bit like with me, they seem to be viewing him as the poor relation. .And all you do with people like that is just sort of look at them in astonishment and then avoid them because they're odd. Although I've said absolutely nothing sharp to them at all so far, I just realise I've reached either the stage or the age where I can hold back no longer.

Being charitable, its because we don't fit in to their world any more.

I'm just refusing to engage at all. I'm going to tell him to send the email about how they will be welcome to join the large group we have staying for Christmas. I've probably been given the blame anyway!

Husband Has Invited Rude In-Laws to Stay For Christmas

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