It's Been Two Months and I'm Still Struggling

Gamer Bhoy 89 · 10-11-2022 04:05PM #1

I was with a girl for over 10 years. I popped the question on September 2019. We got married in July 2022.

In September 2022, she told me she was gay, and she left me and ended up with another woman within 2-3 weeks.

It all happened so suddenly.

I have two sides of my mind at play:

one side is telling me "you need to be supportive of her; she's come out and was holding it in for long enough, etc."

another side is telling me: "why did she walk down the aisle? why did she jump straight into another relationship? why did she (potentially) lie to you about this person until push came to shove?"

I'll be tossing between both sides for the rest of my life, no doubt.

But after the initial reveal, I opted to fly back to Scotland for a week to be with my friends, just to get my mind off of it.

After the week was done, on my way back, my friends told me "if you get home and you don't feel better, get f'cking back on a plane and come home"

Needless to say, when I arrived at my house, half the house was cleared out - she moved out while I was gone, and apart from her coming to collect more personal belongings, I haven't seen her since.

I moved back to Scotland within 3 weeks, and I've been living here since the end of October. I already have a new job and am living with my two friends for the time being until I can build myself up financially and get a place of my own.

But I keep dwelling every now and then. Sometimes it still doesn't feel like it's real.

Since she left, I lost my old job, had little to no money, lost the house we were both renting (couldn't afford it) and had to up and leave the country just for the sake of my mental health alone. I'm currently sitting with £70 to my name (all my remaining money was spent on paying for a ferry, petrol, loans - everything I needed to clear off, before moving).

I just feel like there was a time where I [thought I] had everything, and within the blink of an eye I've lost all of it.

I had a job, I had a wife, I had a home - I was the happiest I ever was - and now it's all gone and I'm back starting from square one at the age of 33 and it's depressing the ever living shít out of me. Sure, I have a new job, and I know I'll get back on my feet again, but right now I'm struggling so hard. It's been 2 months since she left and about 6 weeks since I last even saw her and I still can't imagine living the rest of my life without her.

I know I've omitted a heap of information about the ordeal but I didn't want to go on too long.

The goal is to move on and forget, but I am finding it so painfully difficult. I can't count how many times I've sat alone and cried for a solid half hour just to release some of the pain, and getting more upset knowing there is even still so much pain left. The two friends I'm living with, I've known one of them since the age of 5 and it's him and his partner I'm living with, and I've known her for about 9 years, and they've been incredibly supportive but the hard part of it all is knowing they've never gone through this before, and there's only so much they can do to empathise, which leaves me alone for brief moments of the day unable to get across how horrible this feels.

This is the most pain I've ever felt in my life, I was (still am) so much in love with her and I had little to no reason to suspect a thing. We were inseparable, practically the same person - we shared the same interests, the same sense of humour - I couldn't have ever found a perfect woman to be with and it upsets me so much knowing she's gone and never coming back. At least if this was a same-orientation relationship, there's always that small percentage of maybe getting back together - usually there might be something that can be mended or fixed............ but this is different; it feels like she died. I'll never get her back, I'll never cuddle, kiss, make love to her ever again, I'll never get to say I love her ever again, I can't use pet names to her ever again. All the small things I was able to do and say with her, I will never be able to for the rest of my life, because she's gone.

I've been holding back on making a thread like this for weeks, terrified of what'll be said to me, but I feel extremely alone right now - both my friends are out at work and I'm off for the next 4 days and I haven't a penny to my name (first wage isn't for another week or two) and I've nothing but this bastard computer to vent into.

I just want to know if this will ever get better for me? I keep thinking about her and it hurts so much.

Hannibal_Smith · 10-11-2022 04:27PM

That's so much to have happened so quickly. It's one thing after the other and coming back and seeing the place cleared must have knocked you for six. It's only early days since it ended with and a sequence of knocks ever since. But give yourself time, it's a huge amount to get your head around and it was bound to all hit you at some stage.

You have wonderful friends by the sounds of it. You already have a job (fair play to you) so the money situation is only temporary.

It will get better. It's only early days. Give yourself time and it will get better.

HildaOgdenx · 10-11-2022 04:48PM

As Hannibal has said, that's an awful lot to try to deal with, all at once, OP. You sound shell shocked and I'm not surprised that you feel like you do.

It's good that you have those friends. I know money is very stretched but would you consider counselling in due course? There are some low cost options available, I believe.

It would probably help to have someone neutral, completely outside of the situation, to talk everything out with.

Most of all, mind yourself.

Gamer Bhoy 89 · 10-11-2022 04:51PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119858187#Comment_119858187

Counselling is something I considered. I was going to wait until I had something steady going into my bank as the one I want to go to isn't really that cheap, but I've heard good things. It's about all I could probably do at this point.

I really appreciate you and Hannibal's advice, thank you very much.

pgj2015 · 10-11-2022 05:00PM

33 is very young, you may as well be 23 really. Better this happened now than in 10 years time when you are 43 or in 20 years when you are 53.

Have had my heart broken a few times, nothing like what you are going through but a few things that helped me was to keep busy, exercise a lot, running if you can, run so much that all you think about is how exhausted you are from the run and not about your ex. go out with friends, cinema, gigs, football matches etc stay off the drink if you think it will help. delete her number, and her from social media. set goals and try to achieve them.

id stay with your friends as well, why rush to getting a place for yourself? they might like having you around for a while.

You will look back on this in a few months time and be thankful is happened I reckon. I always thought my exes were perfect but in time you see that they definitely weren't.

Good luck.

YellowLead · 10-11-2022 06:31PM

You poor thing.

Im afraid the advice will probably be very similar from all posters - give it time.

It’s a huge loss and you’ll just have to accept that you will feel sad and upset for a period of time.

One thing I would say is that you are very young still, only 33. You obviously got together very young and likely didn’t have many or any real relationships before this. Therefore you probably have an idealised version of your ex as the only one for you, when in reality there will be other women for you too, maybe even better fits. You are super young, you have plenty of time to heal and then causally date before getting serious with others, so allow that healing time.

Change your mindset from she was the only one for you and you’ll never have that again, to that was a lovely experience while it lasted and I’ll be sad and miss her for a while but then I can’t wait to meet others who I will share that and more with again.

hustlenbustle · 10-11-2022 08:09PM

She was living a lie! Better she left sooner rather than later. It's horrible for you _ I'd definitely suggest counselling. You need to get on with your life and get over it.

Have you talked it through with her? I'm sure she didnt set out to hurt you _ perhaps she was trying not to be gay. It might help to hear how she let herself get married ! How she suddenly realized she couldn't continue to live with you.

Best of luck

JoChervil · 10-11-2022 10:02PM

I am so sorry for what happened to you!

It's good that you cry. Crying is making our hearts softer (Dickens). It's better to become more sensitive empathetic person, than a bitter one with a hard heart. And try to avoid alcohol. It might seem like a good release but it deepens depressing thoughts and moods.

The good news is that the worst already happened and it will only slowly start getting better.

I think it is better that she left you for another woman. It is more final to you and it makes it much easier to move on. People, who have hopes for reconciliation are in much worse situation. Pain in slightly less severe but they might get stuck in a waiting limbo for years. For you pain is much worse now, but you will get over it much quicker.

Now just give yourself time to focus on other things. It usually takes 2 years to get over a such hurt, so use this time as an opportunity to develop new interest, new skills, maybe even progress more in your work by taking additional courses etc.

And you have great friends.

2PieceJigsaw · 10-11-2022 11:11PM

I think everyone else has said what can be said I'm actually crying with you I'm heartbroken for you,My husband's best man had the very same thing happen him at around the same age as you she left him with a mortgage and loads of land because she never wanted kids so his idea was to have animals he could love they never married she just up and left with her girlfriend that stayed with them for months and he never progressed he has his happy farm but I can't even try think about his heart, please try everything you can everyday to get out and be busy and someone deserves you they honestly do.

standardg60 · 10-11-2022 11:25PM

Sounds impossible now OP but in time you'll look back on this and see it as one of the best things that ever happened to you, and be thankful that it didn't take up any more of your life.

33 is nothing, so many wrong 20's relationships have caused others to lose far more opportunity.

You must be some friend for your friends to have responded in the way they have. Best of luck.

2PieceJigsaw · 10-11-2022 11:31PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119859885#Comment_119859885

Very true about his friends and even when he says he sitting on the fence helpless it shows a true gent.

NSAman · 10-11-2022 11:43PM

thats a difficult situation to be in. I get where you are coming from with the conflict between her coming out and being supportive and then leaving you in the lurch.

it’s not fair that she was leading a double life, especially since you are newly married.

however, as many have said better now than later.

you are a young man, first of all, it’s NOT your fault. She obviously likes women more. That leaves you to pick up the,pieces, but you have time to do that and find a new life for you. Time will heal all and two months is nothing.

problem is, I’m still sure you like her and she you. Unfortunately, she likes women and not men. Doesn’t mean she is a bad person, she could have been more open with you.

lead your life eventually it will work out. Sexuality is complex, if it were easy relationships would be a breeze..:😀

thankfully your friends are with you and an invaluable support system…good luck..but give it time

marilynrr · 10-11-2022 11:47PM

You poor thing.

Such a huge betrayal and shock. I wonder would you benefit from a support group for people who are or have been in a relationship with someone who came out as gay. Here's an Irish one but maybe there are some in Scotland or the rest of the UK. https://lgbt.ie/straight-spouses-peer-support-group/

Most people probably have some experience of heartbreak, but a situation like this is so much more complex because it's a betrayal and most people seem to have the conflicting emotions that you have described in your OP, and it sometimes seems to interfere with the normal grieving of a relationship breakdown in some ways.

I just want to know if this will ever get better for me? I keep thinking about her and it hurts so much.

Yes it will absolutely get better for you. Time will help (I know that's the last thing people want to here), also therapy can be very helpful so I am glad you are considering that and there are more options these days like EMDR etc, not just talk therapy.

Things might be rough for a while but you will be happy again!

Agree with the poster who said to try to avoid alcohol.

SuperBowserWorld · 10-11-2022 11:59PM

You are young, had happy years together and you do not have kids. You have good friends. I presume you have your health. You have learned a lot.

It could be a lot more complicated.

Loads of good advice above.

Don't waste your energy beating yourself up with anger, bitterness, jealously, resentment ... Just move on when you can.

11-11-2022 12:14AM

That’s rough OP. Sorry to hear that. Time will help; it is still very early days & you are naturally raw with grief. It’s very hard to stop dwelling on what if, why didn’t I spot it etc. The desire for answers is always strong in situations like this but continually focusing on them will impact on the healing process. Answers may come in the fullness of time (when you are stronger), right now you need to mind yourself.

it’s good that you have support of friends. Not sure what your family situation is but if you can reach out to them too, it may help. Obviously you need to build your life back up, just take that slowly & things will gradually fall into place. Best of luck.

Gamer Bhoy 89 · 11-11-2022 12:34AM

I'm in tears reading all of your replies, people.

I thought I was alone in all of this.

I'm overwhelmed. Thank you. This is too much 😞

I appreciate each and every single one of your comments. ❤️

Swaine · 11-11-2022 12:50AM

Time is a great healer, maybe the only one. It's sounds like a cliché but it's so true. Been there. You'll never forget this woman as long as you live, you will think about her 40 years from now but as time goes by you'll think about how happy you were with her before it ended. It's better to have experienced that than to not have.

Count yourself very lucky you have people around you to support you, many do not have this.

Try to keep busy and treat yourself and your housemates when you get your first wage.

Good luck!

Goodigal · 11-11-2022 07:33AM

You have gotten some lovely words of comfort here. Nothing more I can add with a heartbreak like this but to say it really takes time to heal. It might take up to a year (in my case) but you will get there.

I know every part of your life has changed but at least you're not risking the awkward bumping into her and new partner around town. You will get through this day by day, but getting some counselling when you can afford it will help tremendously. Having good friends supporting you is also a bonus.

I like that you considered supporting her in her new honest life. It must have been so hard for her to tell the man who loved her so much what she needed to say. Fair play to even think that way when you were in shock.

Remind yourself that you did nothing wrong. And sending hugs OP.

Neyite · 11-11-2022 11:14AM

I had a pretty traumatic break up about 20 years ago or so, different circumstances, but simialr in terms of betrayal and shock. I had to do a daytime flit home to my parents and feeling like I was 12 again. My GP signed me off for a month it was that bad. I felt very fragile and wondering if I would ever be ok again. I couldn't sleep, or eat and my mind was consumed with how...just how could he do the things he did and it felt like my life was in shatters and his life was going brilliantly for him. The unfairness stung.

You are currently grieving. You sound like a good person and someone you loved with your whole being is...gone. You are grieving for that but also for the future you had envisaged with her. And grief takes time. For me, it was about 3 months in before my head stopped spinning over it all, about 5 months when it started to feel like, yeah, I'm getting through this, and about 9 months when I felt I could say I was over him. (it still irked me no end that elements of my life had changed and his hadn't - so that takes a bit longer)

Things that helped me were things like when I had no appetite, I tried to eat light - soups and smoothies and anything easy. I started keeping a journal (ceremoniously set fire to it a year later) of what I wanted to say to him but never would. That was extremely cathartic. And on the days where I wondered if I was actually improving, reading those early days entries showed me that I had made progress with my feelings. I went on trips he would never go on. I ate all the foods he didn't like and I did. I got 6 months of therapy (that was the most beneficial of all) And just put one foot in front of the other until things felt less raw.

I look back now and see I dodged a bullet, ultimately I'd have been very miserable if we had kept on. And the therapy I did was actually life-changing for me in lots of ways. My life is infinitely better now. I'll never go as far as thanking the f**ker for triggering the events that caused me to delve deeply and improve but I do privately acknowledge that going through the break up process that I did changed me for the better.

Be gentle with yourself right now. It's very early days and you are in the eye of the storm. Just remember, it gets better.

893bet · 11-11-2022 11:22AM

Dont lose sight of the fact that you are only 33! Very young. Plenty of time for good times ahead.

Jequ0n · 12-11-2022 01:22PM

Wow OP. How are you not angry? I’d be absolutely livid.

The advise to block her was a good one, because there is a chance she’ll get back in touch at some stage. You are grieving because this is truly over, and it can never be the same again. I think you’ll be fine eventually, but spare yourself more hassle if she ever reaches out again.

bitofabind · 18-11-2022 12:10AM

It's been two months and you're still struggling. You built a life with this person over a decade, and just when you should be enjoying newly wed bliss, she dropped a bomb and left you in the dust. You, her husband. She opened no door for conversation or negotiation, for you, her husband. The one she swore to support in sickness and health. And she jumped into a new relationship 5 minutes later (if we're to be generous and not assume this was building for a long time before she walked away to be honest)

Two months. Ten years. Please be kind to yourself OP. You're "still struggling" because you're a human going through the worst of times. This is Big T trauma. Two months is nothing. This is a hard, hard thing and the grief will continue over months and maybe years. You did not deserve this. You deserve kindness and support and a wife that backs you through thick and thin. Not this.

I'm glad you're breaking down and getting some support from friends. You should be crying waterfalls right now, that's the healthy, human reaction to all of this. Try to be gentle with yourself and find some space for yourself every day to sit with this and let the emotions come through. Things that have helped me through my biggest traumas: releasing all of the intense emotions through journalling, some form of movement every day (walking, running, gym, whatever - something to get out of your head and into your body), listening to emotive music and bawling my brains out, listening to podcasts about heartbreak (something about hearing someone else's story helped me to feel less alone), scheduling days where I can just do nothing and have no expectations for myself.

The time will come for getting active, building your social life again, re-connecting with friends, building a life that caters for your new, single self. But first there's grief and pain and don't skip the anger. Who wouldn't be angry? This is healthy anger. You've been betrayed and abandoned by the person most important to you. Life hack: these feelings don't last, but the way past them is through them. Repressing and "pushing through" is just kicking the can down the road for even bigger problems down the line.

screamer · 18-11-2022 12:23AM

What a horrible experience for you. I can’t imagine the pain you experienced, but I’m also of the opinion that you can’t spend your life worrying about things that you cannot change. You can’t make her love you, you can’t turn the clock back. But you can frame your mindset here, even with a broken heart you need to move on. You owe it to yourself. Try to see the silver lining in what’s happened. She was not and she never will be the one for you. There are plenty of matches out there for you. You’re only 33. Better that you’re free and single now than 10 years time. You are young enough to start again, and that special person will come along for you. Mind yourself, cry, be sad and then for your own sake, move forward.

gameoverdude · 20-11-2022 05:16PM

I don't know you from Adam, but you seem like a decent person.

Disgusting behaviour from them. It's not like they just copped onto their sexuality. They led you on. Cowardly.

Fair play to you being supportive, but drop that and block them. No more contact and they will contact you. Just to appease their guilt.

You're young. Plenty of time if you want a new relationship. I wish you the best of luck.

It's Been Two Months and I'm Still Struggling

Comments