Husband Has Invited Rude In-Laws to Stay For Christmas

Neyite · 10-11-2022 12:03pm

Your husband could be wildly successful - Bezos successful and it wouldn't change anything. The dynamic was set back in childhood. Trust me, I know!

They need the scapegoats to do poorly in life to fit in with their perception. So while they can't really ignore the good career, the success, the nice house in a nice area, something needs to be deficient - and in your case it looks like they've decided his choice of wife is their hill to die on. And they are probably massively resentful that their Golden boy isn't shining brighter - even if the brothers were roughly equal in terms of success, it wouldn't be enough. They need your husband to have some sort of screw up in his life and for the brother to have the world at his feet.

Meanwhile your husband will continue to do well in life hoping that some day his efforts will finally make his parents proud of him. But his success will just breed more contempt and resentment. Maybe after Christmas and when the dust has settled, it might be worth seeing if he would be willing to do some therapy for this. He might not but worth a try.

I think the approach to Christmas is a good one - it's not confrontational, it's not refusing to have them or giving them any cause to accuse you of ruining their Christmas, you are being welcoming, and rising above previous accusations. And hopefully they won't want to come if there's a houseful and even if they do, their vitriol will be diluted somewhat.

nelly17 · 10-11-2022 12:17pm

Return the favour email them some Air BNB links for somewhere to stay while they visit. Oh and have a word with your OH - thats bad form inviting them knowing things are not good between you and the in laws.

ManOfMystery · 10-11-2022 12:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119852956#Comment_119852956

If it has been going on for years, then he's unlikely to change or even to want to change of his own accord.

The relevant question now is - are YOU prepared to keep putting up with it?

Even if the Christmas issue for this year is magically sorted to everyone's pleasing, there remains the fundamental crux of all that's going on - that your husband is not backing you or defending you, and seems to be choosing his family's well-being over yours. It will rear it's head again - next Christmas, the Christmas after, other family social events, etc. Each one wearing you down a little more.

To me, that is a dealbreaker. If your partner chooses others over you and doesn't have your back, what is the point in having a 'partner' at all?

HazeDoll · 10-11-2022 6:36pm

I think in this situation I'd be inclined to do exactly as your husband suggests. Christmas is always such a grim anticlimax anyway, you have a perfect excuse to not to get bogged down in it. Clear out for the duration of the visit, go somewhere nice and make the most of a bit of quality time either alone or with a friend. You might have a single friend who is at a loose end for Christmas and might jump at a madcap idea like a few days somewhere sunny or snowy or something. Your husband's Christmas present to you could be a contribution towards the cost of the holiday. Don't do any of the cleaning, shopping or cooking in preparation for the visit. Have nothing to do with it. Avoid conflict, don't be stubborn or self-righteous about it, just don't get involved. Of course his family will say that you're a terrible wife who deserted their darling boy during the holy festive season, but that's not your problem.

Of course this doesn't solve the difficulty that is at the heart of this. Your husband has shown an upsetting disregard for your feelings and for the marriage. It's probably a symptom of how little regard he has for himself where his family is concerned if he reverts so thoughtlessly to the role of the dutiful son. The fact that he storms off when you try to talk to him is almost certainly because he knows he's not the hero of the piece and knows he can't really defend himself.

This is a conversation you'll have to have with him. Lay it out very clearly. "The whole thing is hurtful and here's why..." In fact it might be better to take a little time to write it out in a letter for him so he doesn't escalate it into an argument or storm off. Try to avoid any point-scoring or direct accusations, instead emphasise the angle that there is a serious problem in your relationship and you need to find a solution together. If he isn't at all willing to see things from your point of view I'd be inclined to lay it on the line for him. Remind him that you have clearly explained why this is hurtful but he is choosing to carry on prioritising his awful family. This will carry a lot more weight if you have the conversation after the Christmas adventure I suggested in the first paragraph, when he knows you are capable of leaving him to his own devices if he doesn't consider your feelings.

JoChervil · 11-11-2022 12:17am

OP, you obviously married a kid, who never grew up.

I agree with Neyite, he won't grow up till Christmas as well. He needs long therapy for it.

And I agree with others. You need to team up with others to at least overcrowd them. I mean them plus your husband, so you need at least three friends there to win this situation. And I would stand up to any nasty remarks they would make. Just prepare few quick responses. I like the one from the "Shadowlands", when Debra asked: " are you trying to be rude or are you simply stupid?"

saabsaab · 11-11-2022 11:30pm

Have they a dislike of cats, dogs or rabbits?

11-11-2022 11:54pm

Honestly, the more I think about it, I think I'd take him up on his offer and feck off for christmas.

I'd be gathering as many of the friends who are interested and head somewhere like this for the week, and have a christmas you'll enjoy.

https://www.airbnb.ie/rooms/559837917380039276?adults=5&check_in=2022-12-22&check_out=2022-12-29&source_impression_id=p3_1668207149_uYWgMDxoDXgc%2F242

Leave him to his horrible parents. I wouldn't even phone to check on him or send him a merry christmas text!

DoneDealFan · 14-11-2022 12:21pm

Its got worse. They have now invited themselves to my house tomorrow "to see me". This came about because they are driving back from their holiday home and for the first time ever, have decided to visit their son. Perhaps they have some inkling that he is getting wise to them too. Anyway, it went like this: they invited themselves for "some day next week" and my husband pointed out that we were working and suggested they meet him for lunch in the city he works in. I work more locally. They said "oh thats fine, we will turn up at 5pm when DoneDealFan will be back from work". I teach an evening class that day and stupidly my husband told them this and that I would be free in the afternoon as wfh until teaching that evening. So they then invited themselves to come earlier. They have absolutely no respect for the fact that people have jobs and think you can just stop working to meet them.

Even more strangely, they have this luxury motorhome, which they insist on staying in when not in their own home or holiday home. You might think this is less bother but I think in their case they do it out of some power trip/game. So they have booked a local campsite. This means we can't have them here to stay or cook for them, so husband is taking them out to a restaurant of their choice (he will be paying). I won't be there (thank goodness) because I am working. We obviously said if you really don't want a room in our house, you can easily park here (we have loads of room) but no, they are staying at the campsite. Its all so awkward. I mean obviously after refusing us our request to stay in their holiday home, they can't exactly stay here so they have shot themselves in the foot to some extent. So now we all have to go along with this weirdness.

Husband is trying to sell this to me on the basis that if they come now, they are less likely to come at Christmas (they can't make a date and stick to it anyway). I really just don't want to see them at all, particularly not in my own house. They are always incredibly insulting to me and its just awful. Inviting themselves to my house while I'm on my own is like an attack on somewhere I should be safe from them and their carry on.

I know I will explode and tell them some home truths. I have warned husband about this but as usual he just goes along with what they say. I won't explode nastily, I am very well educated and tend to be more cutting and suggestive rather than aggressive and accusative like they are, but they will know.

I also have my suspicions that they are after something. They have spent years showing very little interest in their son, driving past our house on their way back from their holiday home and ignoring invites to call in, not supporting him at sporting events close to their main home, etc but they live an unfeasibly lavish lifestyle for two retired people who had very ordinary jobs (one of whom stopped working at 50, the other at 57) and I suspect they have burned their way through an inheritance. They are increasingly claiming that they are poor - the latest thing was to claim they couldn't afford a roofer to fix fallen slates back onto their roof and to fix a leaking tap, so my husband (who is neither a roofer nor a plumber) had to drive all the way up there to do it for them. Because obviously they can't get a roofer or a plumber out like anyone else has to or get an annual roof check and they need to have a 6 bedroom house, a holiday home, a motorhome, a Carribean cruise and 2 cars... I think they are trying to soften us up for something to do with monetary help or some other strange plan - they're unpredictable. I could be wrong of course and doing them a disservice, but I do think they're up to something. It won't be about their will as they have made us aware for years that they are goign to spend it all and leave us nothing, and being left a French house is a nightmare anyway because you have to pay something like 60% tax on any inheritance up front and we don't want it.

The one bright spot is that I've explained all of this to my sister and cousins, and they are all coming just after Christmas to stay. There are quite a few of them, they're all lovely people with nice husbands/wives and great company. While in a normal family it would be a great chance for both sides of the extended family to meet again, I know for sure that my inlaws will steer well clear because too many people around will spoil their little games.

So its looking likely that I will save this Christmas for a bit of short term pain tomorrow.

I honestly have no problem with family staying over and look forward to them doing so, but years of incredible rudeness from inlaws and generally strange, manipulative behaviour has made me very wary.

Apologies for so long, I'm dreading this!

Panthro · 14-11-2022 9:40pm

Godspeed donedealfan. If I'd some sort of flag outside I'd put it at half mast in your honour!😁

Can you not tell them you're working away from home/out on site/off to the office and will be away in the evening? And let oul hubby deal with their sheeeite?

I just sense if you're there on your own with them, you're being set up.

Maybe they want to mend fences cos they're flat broke and suddenly realise there might be moola in your home they can manipulate out of ye.

14-11-2022 10:05pm

I still think you're not seeing the bigger picture here op, again your husband has set you up and it's totally unacceptable. I think you should just say that you won't be meeting them in your house or anywhere else, let your husband arrange his day around them if he wants, say no and mean no, I'd never interact with them again tbh, let your husband do what he wants with them.

saabsaab · 14-11-2022 10:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119874733#Comment_119874733

Just don't be there or if you have to be arrange that a few friends are there with you.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-11-2022 11:37pm

donedealfan, your husband is your problem. He always has been. And for as long as you are wishy washy about everything they will continue to do what they please.

Tell your husband you don't want to see them. You have no reason to see them. Unless he's going to be in the house there's no reason for them to call. You don't want a relationship with them. Tell him to tell his parents you will not be there to meet them. If you are working from home then lock the door and don't answer.

You write very lengthy posts about them, about what they have, have not. What they spend, where they go. What they do, say. How they spend their time. You seem as judgemental of them as they are of you. It is very possible to not have anything to do with them. Your husband has a history with them which means it might be difficult for him to pull back. You have no such history or loyalty. They live 4 hours away from you and you rarely see them. So just carry on your life without them in it.

Who cares if they talk about you? Who cares if they think x, y or z about you. Block their phone numbers and email addresses and don't engage with them. Let your husband have his relationship with them. If they do happen to visit at Christmas, be civil.. Or don't be if they aren't.

But you need to accept that you will never like these people. They will never like you. You will never sit around easy in each other's company. But, you also need to get your husband to understand that. He's your weak link.

DoneDealFan · 15-11-2022 12:32am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119874950#Comment_119874950

Too short notice and its a Tuesday, most people will be at work. I'm sure they know that. I really need to wfh tomorrow. This ie extremely disruptive.

They're troublemakers, you know? I don't know exactly what they're up to, but I do know that they always cause trouble.

Husband shouting at me again tonight about an unrelated issue...

Sardonicat · 15-11-2022 6:33am

The next time he shouts at you, calmy walk away, get in your car and dissappear. Do that every time he shouts at you. Don't answer the door tomorrow, or do, just to tell them it's not convenient as you are working, then close the door. Just stop tolerating it, you don't have to.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-11-2022 8:11am

You can't keep expecting your friends to be on standby to come to your house everytime you want an excuse to not be alone with your in-laws. You need to be an adult and deal with this situation, and your husband.

I know the idea behind inviting your friends but it's not a longterm solution. And as you say today is Tuesday, people aren't available in the middle of the day. You're not available in the middle of the day. So you're not available to entertain visitors. There doesn't have to be drama. You just tell your husband you're not available. He tells his parents. If they show up, they won't be invited in, because you're working. If he somehow arranges to be at home, he can see them and you can stay in your office working and completely ignore the fact that they are there.

I think counselling, individually for you and your husband would be a good thing. He has a lot of history to pick through. You also need to be given tools to deal with the situation you are in and to not let it affect you so much.

AyeGer · 15-11-2022 8:43am

3 sides to every story. Your side their side and the the truth somewhere in between. We aren’t getting their side of even your husbands side.

How does your husband feel about his parents? After all he has invited them knowing they may stay a few days or even a week. How does he feel about your relationship with them?

If it really is all them then I sympathise with your position.

I have an in law who is a bit of a nightmare, I know if they were writing here they would be painting everyone but themselves as the problem.

Sorry if I have got this all wrong btw.

Hannibal_Smith · 15-11-2022 8:46am

Is it possible today is about mending a few grievances before Christmas?

lawred2 · 15-11-2022 9:06am

It's quite clear that these people are emotional bullies and your husband had lived with these bullies all his life. This isn't Hollywood, you're not going to get the showdown scene between your husband and these toxic parents. The outbursts to you are likely a misplaced response to both guilt and shame. I very much doubt he's ignorant or blind to how they treat you. But they will have a strong hold over him. No amount of berating him or 'why don't you stand up for me like my husband should!?' type statements will reduce the hold on him. Just probably make him feel even smaller and more ashamed and guilty. I don't really know the way out for you both. But it's not via confrontation anyway. He likely needs some outside help from somebody trained to do so.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-11-2022 9:43am

I also agree that your husband shouting is down to the extreme stress he's under and not being equipped with the tools to manage it. Which is why he needs to look into counselling. If he won't, then you need to, for yourself.

The line 'you can't change others, just yourself' is very apt in this situation.

15-11-2022 10:02am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119850749#Comment_119850749

Some of the stuff like getting a job and fiddling taxes sounded like good natured ribbing to me - OP if you reacted snottily to this instead of saying something like "sure I'm an expert at playing the system, I have CAB after me too but they haven't caught me yet" some Irish people would see this as you having zero sense of humour. Without context it's hard to tell.

Just saw the bossy thing. You could say to them the next time "I didn't realise you had taken over the mortgage on this house" if they try that again. And having your gay friends visit sounds like a great idea. The more camp the better.

Either way your husband is handling this terribly.

namloc1980 · 15-11-2022 10:13am

Sounds like the husband is the main issue here. The parents are a nasty symptom no doubt, but the husband it aggravating this situation. Telling you to leave your house while they visit is a huge red flag.

Deeec · 15-11-2022 10:14am

OP you are beginning to sound as bad as them being honest - speaking about what they own, financial issues etc. I get why you dont want to spend Christmas ( its a special time of year ) with them and thats fair enough.

BUT

They are your husbands parents and whether you like it or not you do have to make some effort with them at other times of the year ( thats if you love and respect your husband). I dont get why you are so annoyed that they want to call to your house now - this could get you out of seeing them at Christmas. You are even annoyed that they dont want to stay at your house! It does seem like they cant do anything right in your eyes.

We all have relatives we dont like - Im sure you husband doesnt like all your family either. We have to put up with these awkward people for the sake of our other halves though.

I actually feel sorry for your husband because it does seem like you want to shut his parents out of your lives. How would you feel if your husband was like this towards your family?

I get that its a bit convenient for you today but surely you could fit in to see them for an hour and rise above their digs - You can always start giving digs back for a laugh. My advice is thread carefully if you want to block your husbands parents out completely - given what you have mentioned they are annoying ( as many inlaws are) but they are not toxic ( I actually think their jibes may be an attempt at humour) . Try to get on with them for your husbands sake.

Idle Passerby · 15-11-2022 12:14pm

There's a hint of loving the drama in your last post. It's clear there's no love lost between you and your in laws, Is there really any need to list everything that annoys you about them? Who cares how they spend their money, it's hardly any skin off your nose, less so if you have nothing to do with them.

As others have said, your husband is entitled to have whatever relationship he wants with them, that's his own prerogative. Draw your own line with what your willing to put up with. If they turn up at the house when your working tell them you are busy, your husband should have made that clear to them. His being a doormat doesn't mean you need to follow suit. Let them kick off if they want to, your not obliged to accommodate people who are not considerate of your working hours.

You keep saying you'll blow up at them if they come to your house. I get the impression you really want to do this. You are framing it as righteous anger. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't but if you have things you want to say to them, do it. Don't wait til your backed into a corner and blow up. They can more easily dismiss an angry outburst than a calmly delivered missive on how you feel.

HeidiHeidi · 15-11-2022 12:27pm

You need to learn to say "No".

I would agree with other posters that your husband is your number one problem in this whole thing, but you're not helping yourself either.

Re tomorrow, or today, or whenever it is - if you're working from home, then you're not available to entertain visitors. If you were working in an office, would they call in and expect you to entertain them there?

Just say no - you're working, not free for visitors, no.

In the longer run, you either need to get your husband onside - or as above, learn to say "No".

And how and why they live their lives is frankly none of your business. Second guessing all of that is a waste of your mental energy. Until/if they come to you with a request for money (for example), is time enough to deal with all of that. Live your own life, decide your own boundaries, and come up with a way to implement them.

SAMTALK · 15-11-2022 4:06pm

OP you need to talk to your husband and set some boundaries. My in-laws made my life hell and my husband just let it happen. All I got is "sure what can I do ".

I took it for years until I realised one of us needed to grow a pair and it wasnt going to be him

Things were going bad for us and I decided that I would be better on my own than with someone who didnt respect me enough to have my back

DownByTheGarden · 15-11-2022 4:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119850455#Comment_119850455

Go away with the kids somewhere nice and warm for Christmas. Or to another relatives house. Let the husband and his parents hang out together and make their own dinner :)

DoneDealFan · 15-11-2022 5:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119875972#Comment_119875972

Given that the nonsense about me wanting to take over their holiday home (I've visited it once, 12 years ago) were at the end of a series of insulting remarks, only some of which I have detailed here, no. I've had enough. It was specific, concerned only me and was so utterly insulting its impossible to come back from. I've had years of being very cordial to them, biting my lip, not reacting, and all thats happened is that they have ramped it up. They clearly have no idea how intolerable it is for other people to be around that sort of behaviour. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Anyway, I have no exciting updates. They didn't turn up today at my house, I couldn't leave because I had to tend to our animals and the weather is bad, no sign of the inlaws. Perhaps some sense has prevailed. I'm just about to leave to teach my evening class, I've locked up everything and hopefully they won't be here when I get back or anything as it will be very late.

Its an utterly ridiculous situation that they are staying at a campsite instead of our home, but its entirely of their own making.

I'm being grey rock as much as possible and just not reacting/responding.

DoneDealFan · 15-11-2022 5:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119876131#Comment_119876131

Theres no humour in it, believe me. If you even correct them slightly forcibly, they shout at you and try to shut you down and act all strict. Its definitely not humourous. Or maybe they find it entertaining, but I don't think the average person would. If I replied in the way that you suggest, they would get annoyed. And they know perfectly well that my job requires me to be whiter than white, thats what my job is all about. They don't really make jokes anyway, they're not jokey sort of people. There could be no mistaking them not allowing us to use their holiday home for the reason given (and they have let other family members use it more recently). The reason was given in writing, by email and expressed as them having a great concern about what I might do.

pickarooney · 15-11-2022 5:41pm

FWIW as a direct descendant, non resident you'd be paying about 18% inheritance tax + notary fees for the property in France.

HildaOgdenx · 15-11-2022 7:23pm

Mod Note - OP, there's lots there to think over, from all of the replies that you have received.

In order to save this from becoming a blog, I'm going to close it off at this point.

Thanks to everyone who offered advice.

All the best.

Hilda

Husband Has Invited Rude In-Laws to Stay For Christmas

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