Siblings and care of elderly parent

Yep, it's a tale as old as time. From what I've observed, the larger the family, the more likely you'll have siblings who step away. Ideally, the ones who aren't as involved in the caring will step up to the plate when they're needed but there's no guarantee that'll happen. There are people who'll flatly refuse to give the main carers a dig out, or will come up with excuse after excuse. Every family is different of course.

Your relationship with your siblings is not tested until a parent requires hands on care.

It always causes friction.

Many people mention they have kids so they can look after them when they are older. That's the exact type of person that shouldn't have kids

It really is a thankless task, I've seen it on both sides of my own family where the primary female carers got screwed over on inheritance and gratitude.

Depends on the person. Some times it's single people who walk away, sometimes its People with families.

Whichever you'll soon see who values money over family either way.

Simply yes.

What's more they'll deny it afterwards.

If you are at this point. You should start getting in home help, meals on wheels, alone. These things take a long time to set up. It's often a different face visiting that's a life saver. Our local community used to deliver a coffee and scone once a week and it things like this that are greatly anticipated.

There can also be places like day centers that will collect people for the day that run activities or simply to have company.

Also start looking at nursing homes. They have long waiting lists. Some will suit more than others. It's good to have this decided before you need it in crisis situation. They are not ideal, and many won't want them. But for many the anxiety and loneliness becomes all consuming and the mitigated by a nursing home situation.

It's likely you'll have to organize this yourself as the absent siblings won't.

Some family get very interested when money for carers is discussed. 24/7/365 at home may cost 50,000 euro a year. Lots of agencies will provide carers if you pay big money. Naturally try to get free or subsidised services but approach family to pay if they are not willing to help. Explain the cost per hour and the needs. If they won't contribute then the cost may come from remortgaging the house or pensions or savings. This may impact inheritance and those who may he due inheritance may suddenly be interested.

The fair deal scheme means government takes your home after you are dead.

You can get carers allowance as a family member it's not much but better than nothing.

You can't make family help, but you can try get them suddenly interested.

Fair deal is a lot more nuanced than that.

Every child has a different relationship with their parents, and having seen what I've seen, I'm pretty non-judgemental about individuals choosing to distance themselves from care.

There's no such thing as "fair"... it is what it is.

I think one of the problems we have in Ireland is that elderly people feel entitled to define who and how they get cared for ("I don't want any outsiders" ... "I'm not leaving my home"... etc) and that is ultimately the source of a lot of problems. Some siblings want to indulge these requests and some realise they are unreasonable.

If there are children fit and able to look after a parent, then there isn't a lack of resources in that case.

I'd say that scenario is replicated thousands of times around the country.

Every family is different and circumstances will be different for every member of the family.

I’ve lost both my mam and dad in the last three years and the preceding 6 years were spent dealing with long term illnesses, dementia and nursing homes.

I am one of 5 siblings and without question I was responsible for about 90% of everything that had to be done for them, the house, paperwork, finances. I spent years over to them at least once a day in the house, doing basic chores, shopping, gardening etc.

Two of my siblings live abroad and the other two are relatively close by - but would only do something if specifically asked - and even then it was almost always met with a response as to how inconvient it was.

For my dad’s funeral I organised absolutely everything - my siblings almost treated it as a family reunion. It wasn’t that I took over - they just showed no interest or gumption to think about what needs doing.

When my mam passed I swore that I wouldn’t be left hanging again - I even told them straight out. But yet again - it was me (with a little help from one sister) who organised everything.

There are still things that need to be done in the house and sorting out belongings and despite asking siblings to do stuff - it never gets done and I just end up doing it.

Funnily enough - when I asked them to get PPS numbers sent to the solicitor to kick of probate they jumped all over it and all have great ideas as to what can be done with the house (it’s actually more of a site on some valuable land) … but yet not one of them has offered to help out with the process.

I have promised myself that I won’t fall out with them about it - but it is getting hard not to.

It has been said to me by family and friends of my mam and dad that they were both really appreciative of everything I did for them in the last few years and that everyone knows what I did - so that is of some comfort and re-enforces the point that people do things for different reasons - for me it was making sure mam and dad had everything they needed. My siblings were just content to know that I was looking after them

I’m in no rush for any inheritance and I’ll see how long I can drag the probate process out for just to annoy them !