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Off Topic Thread 5.0

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    #8372
    jacothelad
    Registered Users Posts: 5,931 ✭✭✭jacothelad


    A woman goes to see her G.P. "Doctor, I'm concerned,....... I've been on these steroids for a few months and im growing a penis".....

    "Anabolics"? Asks the GP........

    "no, just a penis"!!!!!!



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    #8373
    RichieRich_89
    Registered Users Posts: 1,506 ✭✭✭RichieRich_89


    My doctor told me I had to stop masturbating. When I asked him 'why?', he replied: "because I'm trying to examine you".



  • Options
    #8374
    kuang1
    Registered Users Posts: 3,443 ✭✭✭kuang1


    Paddy Englishman, paddy Irishman and paddy Scotsman walk into a bar.

    The barman looks up and says:

    "What's this? Some sort of joke?"



  • Options
    #8375
    connemara man
    Moderators, Sports Moderators, Regional West Moderators Posts: 6,773 Mod ✭✭✭✭connemara man


    A woman caught her husband cheating in her, she attacks him and tries to cut his d*ck of. But only manages to graze his thigh.

    She's been charged with a misda wiener



  • Options
    #8376
    sydthebeat
    Subscribers Posts: 41,519 ✭✭✭✭sydthebeat


    why does Dr Pepper come in a can?


    cos his wife died



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  • Options
    #8377
    kuang1
    Registered Users Posts: 3,443 ✭✭✭kuang1


    https://youtu.be/QrFZyIUc1dw

    This makes me laugh every time.

    A guy scaring his dad repeatedly. Even though the accent sounds Irish, these guys are actually from somewhere in Eastern Canada.


    88 seconds you'll enjoy methinks!



  • Options
    #8378
    jacothelad
    Registered Users Posts: 5,931 ✭✭✭jacothelad


    Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what

    their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman,

    policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but


    Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him

    about his father.


    "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes

    in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out

    with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."


    The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy

    aside to ask him if that was really true.


    "No" said Billy, "He plays rugby for England but I was just too embarrassed

    to say."



  • Options
    #8379
    jacothelad
    Registered Users Posts: 5,931 ✭✭✭jacothelad


    Guy visits a brothel for the first time and explains his fetish for the larger woman to the madame.


    After rejecting several partners in the 15 - 30 stone range he settles for Aggie at a cool 44stone.


    Swiftly striking a deal he gets down to business but stops after a minute.


    "Do you mind if i turn the light out Aggie" he breathlessly asks


    "you don't strike me as the shy type" she responds


    " I'm not" he replies,"It's burning my a*se".



  • Options
    #8380
    Ernie McCracken
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Ernie McCracken


    I decided I want a pet termite.

    I’m going to call him Clint.

    Clint Eatswood.



  • Options
    #8381
    Ernie McCracken
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Ernie McCracken


    I said to my wife “I’d like to die having sex.”

    She replied “At least it’ll be quick.”

    Post edited by Ernie McCracken on


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    #8382
    Ernie McCracken
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Ernie McCracken


    My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I’d ever been present at child birth before.

    I said: “Yes. Just once.”

    He asked: “ What was it like?”

    I replied: “ It was dark, then suddenly very bright.”



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    #8383
    Ernie McCracken
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Ernie McCracken


    Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo accident.

    They put me in the ICU.



  • Options
    #8384
    Ernie McCracken
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Ernie McCracken


    I taught a wolf how to meditate.

    Now he aware wolf.



  • Options
    #8385
    Ernie McCracken
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Ernie McCracken


    What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chick peas.

    Black eyed peas can sing us a song, chick peas can only hummus one.



  • Options
    #8386
    Ernie McCracken
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Ernie McCracken


    My wife asked me: “ Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”

    Apparently “No it’s just you” wasn’t the right answer.

    Post edited by Ernie McCracken on


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    #8387
    Ernie McCracken
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Ernie McCracken


    I asked my wife when her birthday was. She said “March 1st”.

    So I walked around the room and asked again.



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    #8388
    Luminous Talent
    Registered Users Posts: 11 ✭Luminous Talent


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119934063#Comment_119934063

    Profit over people time and time with these low calibre Tory spivs and their Cronies.

    What is it you hate about progress and human advancement. Literally the whole of mankind’s progress has been achieved off the basis of profit. Do you advocate going back to the barter system where we value goods on the basis of the labour put into them? Villages living in isolation? Some goods have an inherent value higher than the labour put into them. What is subsistence living. We wouldn’t have spaceships, planes, cars, medical advancement like mRNA, penicillin, and a plethora of drugs which prolong life without profit. Would people create and distribute them without the money which keeps things moving. To say people would do this out of goodwill is a misnomer and wrong. The work required for mass distribution would never happen off people’s goodwill. People would get fed up if they didn’t have to work to survive. And talent wouldn’t be rewarded without disproportionately rewarding ingenuity and invention. Indeed it would be penalised and stifled. The development of machines and production lines is because of profit. And what do you want to do wish it all away and hope people will work as hard as is required to keep people alive without adequate pay and incentive to create, work and strive for something better than even survive? The world in which we live would be a backward cave and we would be licking salt off a rock if we didn’t have capitalism and profit, that is, progress. Do you discount the whole of man’s existence in place of crawling under a rock and living in a cave?

    Post edited by Luminous Talent on


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    #8389
    molloyjh
    Registered Users Posts: 24,762 ✭✭✭✭molloyjh


    Three cheers for the barter system!



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    #8390
    OldRio
    Registered Users Posts: 6,037 ✭✭✭OldRio


    Dear grief. Some pure drivel in that rant.

    I'd like to engage but unfortunately I'm working because I don't want to be fed up.



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    #8391
    Dave_The_Sheep
    Registered Users Posts: 7,368 ✭✭✭Dave_The_Sheep


    Oh, I'm looking forward to this one.



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    #8392
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,418 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    Would the rock we're licking salt off be black?



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    #8393
    Ernie McCracken
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Ernie McCracken


    The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country.

    I think they’re in de Nile.



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    #8394
    jacothelad
    Registered Users Posts: 5,931 ✭✭✭jacothelad



    Donald Trump was being given his daily briefing and he is told that yesterday 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.


    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"


    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.


    Finally he looks up with a devastated expression on his face and he asks, "How many is a brazillion?"



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    #8395
    jacothelad
    Registered Users Posts: 5,931 ✭✭✭jacothelad


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119942355#Comment_119942355

    Comprehension doesn't appear to be your strong point.



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    #8396
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119946487#Comment_119946487

    Reminds me of when of my favourite Trump moments. The first 15 seconds or so of this https://www.c-span.org/video/?c4865723/user-clip-domestic-mexican-violence

    The disappointed "oh" he makes when he finds out its not Mexican related, thus not feeding in his "other" narrative.



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    #8397
    stephen_n
    Registered Users Posts: 12,920 ✭✭✭✭stephen_n


    Myself and a few friends formed a band. We decided we would call it 999 megabytes.

    We still don’t have a gig though.



  • Options
    #8398
    Ernie McCracken
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Ernie McCracken


    I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.

    She said: “How about walking through the room naked?”



  • Options
    #8399
    Podge_irl
    Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 26,753 Mod ✭✭✭✭Podge_irl


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119948731#Comment_119948731

    Go for 1023 megabytes for extra credit



  • Options
    #8400
    swiwi_
    Registered Users Posts: 4,492 ✭✭✭swiwi_


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119949881#Comment_119949881

    Nerd alert.



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    #8401
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Have you seen this AI text bot? https://chat.openai.com/chat#

    It's absolutely incredible. I fed it this prompt: Write a song with chords that leinster rugby supporters can sing at rugby matches to cheer their team on.

    This is the result


    Verse 1:

    G D

    Leinster Rugby, we are here

    C G

    Cheering loud, our hearts are clear


    G D

    Blue and white, we stand as one

    C G

    Fighting till the final whistle is done


    Chorus:

    Am C

    Leinster, Leinster, we are the best

    G D

    Rising up to take the test

    Am C

    Leinster, Leinster, hear us sing

    G D

    Victory for the Blue and the King!


    Verse 2:

    G D

    With skill and grace, our players fight

    C G

    Leaving all their fears behind


    G D

    We stand together, hand in hand

    C G

    Strong and brave, we take a stand


    Chorus:

    Am C

    Leinster, Leinster, we are the best

    G D

    Rising up to take the test

    Am C

    Leinster, Leinster, hear us sing

    G D

    Victory for the Blue and the King!


    Bridge:

    C G

    We'll never back down, we'll never give in

    Am D

    Leinster Rugby, our pride will never end


    Chorus:

    Am C

    Leinster, Leinster, we are the best

    G D

    Rising up to take the test

    Am C

    Leinster, Leinster, hear us sing

    G D

    Victory for the Blue and the King!



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