One-Liner Jokes

Due to severe weather conditions the Government has issued this warning:

Anyone travelling should take blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, 24 hr food supply, 3 ltrs of water, safety triangle, tow rope, & a set of jump leads...

I looked a right knob on the bus this morning!

I remember when I used to catch the bus with my Dad and he always said I was under five, so he didn't have to pay.

In the end, I started walking to work.

What does a clock do when it's still hungry after dinner?

Goes back 4 seconds

I've joined the dyslexic orchestra.

I play the toblerone.

Went to the doctor’s with a suspicious mole. He said don’t worry they all look like that and that I should put it back where I found it.

I got “Bonopoly” last Christmas,

it's a very similar game to the original but the streets have no names...

The kids were just talking about their christmas stockings, and asked whether they'd get a lump of coal in them again this year.

I said we're not made of money, you'll get a playstation like everyone else.

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the perfume’s creator.

I got pulled over by a Policewoman who asked me to get out of my car, she said "you're staggering", I said you're not so bad yourself.

I threw a ball for my dog tonight which is a bit extravagant but he looks awesome in a tuxedo.

Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning and find that a Tesco had been built next to his house. 

It was an unexpected item in his Baggins area.

There was a really good woman singing in the pub. Very attractive, great legs, short skirt.

She asked for any requests and I shouted back;

"Your thong." For which I got a slap.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

I've just finished converting my van to electric, by swapping the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer. It wouldn't start at first, then I realised I hadn't shut the door properly.

Googled 'how to light a cigar' & got 80,000 matches.