30s and no friends this Christmas

30andnofriends · 26-12-2022 1:30am #1

Hi. I am in my 30s and tonight I just realised how very few friends I have. I texted a few and heard back from one, we exchanged a few texts but as per her usual she doesn't reply after a few. I see people who have best mates and I've never had that. I'm not sure if I'm a lost cause or not. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I'm in therapy. I hate hearing people's good news as I have very little going for me. All I have is my wife and a baby coming. Should I just focus on them? Maybe I'm not friend material. I have not seen any of my friends in years.

Thank you for reading and I'm very interested in your thoughts. Hope you all had a merry Christmas and wishing you a good new year

probablyunavailable · 26-12-2022 3:42am

Some people appear to have lots of friends. In difficult times they find out who are there real friends.There are people then who have plenty of friends but they don't have a partner. They will be jealous of you.

Some people are extrovertive and bubbly people. That's part of life and they will attract a big circle. Comparing ourselves to others is an unnecessary pressure.

Some people will be with family on Christmas day. I wouldn't read too much I to responses. Many good friends can go a while without communication or seeing each other but then when they meet, the time in-between is irrelevant.

You say you haven't seen friends in years. You could ask yourself are there friends of yours in particular that you miss and would like to meet? Offer to meet those of whom you would truly like to meet. If any are in a different place in life where they cannot meet, respect that choice. It's understandable to be disappointed but at least you know for sure and you can move forward in the company of people who really appreciate you.

There are social meetup groups online. It might suit you to take part in events that are of interest to you.

I would advise you to be comfortable with who you are and do things that you like to do. Sometimes in life when you feel comfortable in your own skin and content doing things you like to do, people often then will gravitate towards you. It's ironic that you find peace in your own skins and your own ways, and then people are knocking on your door.

We get depressed when we look back on the past. We get anxious when we look to the future. Step by step, do things that you like. I wish you peace in the here and now, and comfort in your own skin.

Peace be with you!

Mongfinder General · 26-12-2022 10:03am

“All I have is my wife and a baby coming. Should I just focus on them?”

Depression is not something that I understand but surely the birth of a child must be something that you can look forward to?

It is going to change your life and from my experience - your friendships will take a backseat for a while. Family will be the focus. There are two important relationships to work on going forward - the relationship with your wife and the relationship you have with your child. And to be honest - I think the relationship with your wife is more important. The relationship between husband and wife has to be strong. This is what family is built on to begin with.

You will also need to make time for yourself. Use it wisely. Exercise or hit the gym. Keep yourself physically active. Don’t allow your career to suffer. Your life is about to get a whole lot busier.

YellowLead · 26-12-2022 12:22pm

It’s a funny way to phrase it ‘all I have is…’ when talking about your wife and soon to be born child.

That’s a lot to have, there are people out there who would be very envious of you, for having that. It almost sounds like you don’t care much for your wife.

As for friends in your 30s - happens to plenty of us with people moving and having kids etc and it’s much trickier to make new friends - but it is possible you just have to put yourself in situations where you are mixing - sports, classes, volunteering, even the workplace. Your child will also present you with opportunities to meet other dads.

SuperBowserWorld · 26-12-2022 12:30pm

When the baby comes you'll probably meet other parents and find lots of things in common.

Don't beat yourself up.

Get therapy to figure out what's really bothering you.

Also, a new baby is an anxiety inducing time. So just one day at a time from now on.

Donald Trump · 26-12-2022 12:40pm

How many texts would you be expecting this other lady to be doing back-and-forth ..... she probably spending the day with her own family or maybe even husband and you married with a kid on the way.

Alonzo Mosley · 26-12-2022 12:49pm

OP when I began to read your post I was expecting to read you're a single bloke living in a bedsit. You are a very lucky man. You have a wife and the birth of a child to look forward to. As others have said keep yourself healthy and well. You will be surprised the amount of people you meet through children.

I got involved in coaching a soccer team when my son was young and now he is playing under 17. I am very good friends with some of the parents.

Don't be too hard on yourself.........

AMKC · 26-12-2022 12:55pm

Think of the positives about not having many friends. It means less need to buy presents if you only have 1 or 2 that's all you need. The less friends =less presents = less expense on you.

I too have never had a best mate or friends for life.

I have had many friends but they all went one direction and me another. Yes I miss some but you have to move on bessidesI doubt some of them woukd ever recognise me know its been over 20 years.

You can always make new friends and do as a poster above say volunteer and mix where ever you can.

Don't forget about your wife do. She should be the most important person in the World to you and your new child will bring you both untold joy too and will keep you very busy.

You can not change the past but you can change the future. Make it a good one and for the better.

Tork · 26-12-2022 2:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120034557#Comment_120034557

I thought that's what I'd be reading as well. There are plenty of people out there, even ones with loads of friends, who'd dearly love to have a partner and a child in their lives. I don't think you appreciate what you have; that you were lucky enough to meet your wife and that you now have a child on the way.

As for your friends or lack of them, don't beat yourself up about this. While there are people who have lots of friends, there are plenty more who "only" have a handful of them. There's nothing wrong with either and it's helpful to accept that you won't ever have loads of friends. What I'd like to know is what efforts you have made over the years to keep in touch with your friends. All friendships can fizzle out if you don't make an effort to stay in touch, so if you've not made the effort to keep up contact it's no wonder you are where you are. Also, some friendships just reach a natural end as people get older.

You've been handed a golden opportunity to reboot your social circle, thanks to the imminent arrival of your baby. As well as local baby and toddler groups when he/she is small, you'll be brought face to face with other parents through other activities. Children are a great way to integrate into a new community or to meet new people. Instead of beating yourself up over people from your past who you've not seen in years, learn some lessons from how you felt on Christmas Day. You now know you don't have enough friends and that is something to be mindful of as you move forward. You can't be that awful a person if you had friends in the past and you're now married. There's no reason why you can't go on to make new friends going into the future.

airy fairy · 26-12-2022 2:35pm

I'm at a different stage in life than you, but I get it. Life stages throws us different challenges, for some, it's nothing at all, for others, it can be huge.

My kids are growing up now. I've had to start at the beginning and make friends from the toddler groups, the baby message groups, playschool gate, the primary school gate and as secondary and college loomed for the eldest, I have found myself at that lonely stage again.

I don't have any close friends anymore. I have a partner who is my best mate. I would have had bouts of depression throughout the years. It's not good to dwell on whatifs. Months where I've met no-one, not even for a coffee.

Covid made me skip life changes, that ordinarily would have happened slowly. Instead of a gradual goodbye to primary and Christmas plays it sped up to a drop-off with masks to secondary without meeting people. But I've slowly changed and realised what I like, need, require at this stage in life.

Don't try put pressure on the perfect picture of life that you think you should have. That picture is rarely real.

Instead, focus on your wife and new baby. Begin to grow from that birth. New life, fresh beginnings.

Airyfairy12 · 27-12-2022 6:45pm

I think focusing on the positive would be a great place to start, so you dont have lots of friends or a social life but you have a wife and child, having just one close relationship means 100x more than having 10 fake friends.

If you have difficulty connecting with others, it could be down to your confidence and general mind set, are you over negative? Do you see the bad in everything? have you a heard time listening to other people or have you got any interests that your passionate about? Youre most definitely not a lost cause and its never too late to make friends you just really have to put yourself out there and involve yourself with other people. Don't come off too intense or too stand offish, be open and work on yourself. It's a process but you can do it.

cheese sandwich · 27-12-2022 7:04pm

It’s strange and possibly telling that you have a pregnant wife but seem more concerned about your female friend who doesn’t text as much as you would like. Is that the real source of your low mood?

Hyperbollix · 28-12-2022 8:23pm

OP, the harsh truth is, for men and especially for men over 30, friendships often just faze into irrelevance. People change. Circumstances and priorities change. Men are especially bad at keeping up friendships. We tend to get tunnel vision on the career and settling down to the detriment of all else. I've had that happen with a couple of mates that I would have been very close with in adolescence and my 20's to the extent we have drifted completely apart.

Now obviously there are those extrovert types that have plenty of buddies for life, that is just the luck of the personality draw. Like attracts like. If you are intoverted, shy or especially is you suffer from mental health issues, chances are you will have or have had a smaller circle (probably of people similar to yourself) and in that situation, it's almost a given you'll be in the situation you are in, unless you purposely work at improving it. (Joining clubs, group events, etc)

I'd concur with what others have said. The main focus should be your parner and kid. Even those with 100s of friends put full focus on their family first and foremost. You're not 45 and single. Be glad how lucky you are. Happy new year to you.

30andnofriends · 30-12-2022 9:21pm

Thank you everyone for your input, I have been reading them on my main, just didnt get a chance to post here

I am truely grateful to have my wife and an upcoming child, apologies if it seemed I wasn't. I accept very much so that we are lucky to be in this position as many couples aren't. I am also very lucky to have a wife with a heart of gold, and I just know she will make a great mother. And I too hope to be the best father I can be.

I guess a lot of my friends are women, I would like more male friends, even to go to the pub. Maybe parent/toddler groups might be one avenue of meeting people.

The friend I spoke of earlier, I have known since I was 4 so I guess that is why it hurts

I am indeed very negative at times, i guess my illness does that. I often beat myself up for not achieving as much as others have; and as a result have very low self confidence

Happy new year to you all, I hope 2023 is a prosperous one for you

Hannibal_Smith · 30-12-2022 9:47pm

OP, you have a whole host of new friendships on the horizon. From toddler and parent groups as you say, to school parents, sports groups. Friendships don't end when you have kids...well some might...but there can also be a whole heap of opportunities to form new friendships.

Citrus_8 · 01-01-2023 6:27pm

I think the OP wants to say that not having friends who are interested in them and wanting to have a conversation or to spend some time together, effects their self-esteem... Believe it or not, many people experience this in the mid 30s, as this is the time we turn from the late teens (or so called young adults) into adults. For women this usually is somewhere between 25-30, for men slowly starting at 28 and can last to the mid or late 30s. We no longer are the party animals or students around cozy friends, we now need to focus to our commitments and future. This takes a huge amount of time, which we have spent with friends or to go out and about. When we reach mid 40s, we then have other challenges as this is the circle of life with the way we progress and our perspective and needs change.

30s and no friends this Christmas

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