Finding it hard to function Heart broken

heartbreak · 03-01-2023 3:37pm #1

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to read.

My ex finished with me 6 months ago and as time has gone on i have slowly got worse, I am mid 30s and she was mid 20s,it was a 10 month relationship.

It's my fault it ended to give a bit of background, at the beginning of the relationship (when we were first seeing each other) she got a message one night at 2.30 from a married guy from her job (she told me they kissed in work before),she also had a pic up on her Instagram in her stories with a guy she knew, she said he never stops txting her and i asked was she with him before,she said " yeah i slept with him a few times". One time we had a row and didn't talk for a day and when we got back talking she told me she had downloaded tinder because she thought we were finished but said she didn't txt anyone on it.

There was a few other things too at the start but i should have never brought any of it back up, which i did during the relationship, not all the time but i did at times, it was insecure on my part.In the end it i pushed it too much and she walked away, i was devastated i have to say .A week before we broke up she told me she couldn't wait to we have kids together etc and that i was the best boyfriend in the world etc. She was back on dating app 5 weeks after we broke up.

The guilt knowing how childish i was bringing stuff back up and that i lost a great girl is killing me. I have my own business, my own place and people tell me i'm a good looking guy.My confidence is on the floor,i feel like i messed up the best thing that happened to me.i have been going to therapy every week but the last 4 weeks i have really gone into a tough place mentally.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Thanks

DownByTheGarden · 03-01-2023 3:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058278020/finding-it-hard-to-function-heart-broken

When you put pre3ssure on people by reacting when you get answers you dont want to hear to questions they dont want you to ask, dont be surprised when they start just telling you what you want to hear all the time.

The reality is that she probably told you she wanted to have kids because she thought it was easier than telling you she didnt. Thats no basis for a relationship and you were clearly not suited to each other. Learn and move on is all you can do.

heartbreak · 03-01-2023 3:58pm

Thanks for the Advice,they're good points you made.

bitofabind · 03-01-2023 4:15pm

Listen, it's a break up so it's going to suck. Life ebbs and flows, great things, **** things and then the in-between mundanities. This is in the "**** things" column and you just have to ride it out. Let the feelings flow through you and you'll be left with a big dose of perspective and clarity as to what you need in a partner by the end of it. Stick with the therapy, it really is IME the best investment a person can make into their mental health and long term happiness.

Explore the relationship issues with your therapist. They might teach you a few things about yourself. From an outsider's perspective, this doesn't sound like it was a healthy relationship. Your ex was entertaining attention from other men and not putting your mind at ease about that; you in turn couldn't trust her at all and get passed the problems you were having. That sounds like a turtourous place to be tbh, not knowing where you stand with someone you love and waiting for her head to turn. I'd never tolerate that in a relationship, yet you did and you gave her the power to hurt you instead of walking away. Teasing that out with a professional might lead to some revelations about your own patterns in relationships so you can be a healthier version of yourself as you begin to start dating again.

03-01-2023 4:23pm

There is somebody out there who will love you and whom you will love in return without having to be looking insecurely over your shoulder all the time.

Kurooi · 03-01-2023 4:36pm

Sounds like you dodged a bullet there. She is very loose with her loyalty. 10 month relationship and you had multiple counts of having to talk through her sex affairs, work and tinder adventures? You're having rows? Ridiculous. And after that you're talking about having kids? You were both deluded. This is a terrible rocky start, this was not a good relationship. Try not to grieve it.

Enjoy time alone, do something for yourself, nothing brings your image and confidence up like knowing your self worth. If and when you find someone better it will put this all in perspective. PS she will likely call around again within the next 5 years. Don't.

As for the mental low, focus on other relationships. Friends, family, work. Just be with people, positive people you want to be close to.

bucketybuck · 03-01-2023 4:41pm

Sounds like you just need some perspective. Was she really the best thing that ever happened to you? Really? Or have you just given her that label because she was your most recent relationship?

Because from what you write it sounds like a short fling with an immature girl in her twenties who brought all of that nonsense drama that such people bring. It sounds like you were insecure because you knew you were at different stages of your life, so just how is that the best thing that ever happened to you?

Going on Tinder because you didn't speak for a day? Kids one week and break up the next? Sleeping with guys at work and getting late night messages from them all? Thats just young girl drama that no sane man actually wants or needs.

Stop eulogising her, recognise that your regret comes from the fact that you were never comfortable in the relationship and didn't even have control about when it ended, so what you really want is some alternate world where you try again and every single thing goes differently. It isn't going to happen.

Goodigal · 03-01-2023 5:03pm

Don't want to sound rude but I don't think you lost a 'great girl' there. She downloaded Tinder and told you so when you had an argument for a day. That should have been the point to end it.

Sorry you're not feeling great right now, but it sounds like you have a lot of positives in your life. Acknowledge them and move forward - as others have said, spend time with family and friends to surround you with people who love you. And don't be afraid to admit you're struggling a bit to a close friend.

You might have thought she was the one but that's more drama in 10 months than anyone needs. You need someone better than her to make you feel secure in the relationship. Go back on the apps and have some fun. There is someone out there for you. You deserve so much better than that messing.

PaulJoseph22 · 03-01-2023 6:09pm

Sometimes in life the worst things can turn out to be the best thing that happened, you will meet someone who is more suited to you and more deserving of you.

redmenace1 · 03-01-2023 6:48pm

Having been heartbroken too, the only advice I have is to try and be positive, take the experience on board and move on.

Look seriously at therapy if it still causing you this much pain after six months. Or even discuss with your GP if its getting your mood down.

You have a lot of living still to do and you owe it to yourself to start doing it.

YellowLead · 03-01-2023 7:11pm

OP I really don’t think you lost a great girl. You were wildly incompatible and probably at different stages in life.

What you are likely mourning is the loss of a relationship, rather than her specifically. You only dated for 10 months and 6 months later you are not over it, you can bet she is. Don’t get so invested so soon next time, and don’t put anyone on a pedestal just because they are willing to date you, look at their behaviours and let them go sooner if it’s not working - rather than saying ‘red flags, yes please!’

heartbreak · 03-01-2023 7:21pm

Thanks for the responses much appreciated, Some great Advice here. I think i have her on a pedestal because she was such a good looking girl (i know it's not all about looks) and we did have great craic most of the time.

i agree with every thing said on here, during the dating stage when she said she kissed a married man in work (before we met) in my head i was saying don't get into this relationship. I waited a few months before i committed because a few things she said was putting me off.

i just have to learn from it and work on my own self confidence.

i was told at the end by her i was controlling, a gas lighter etc,i definitely have stuff to work on but i really don't think i'm like that.

bitofabind · 03-01-2023 7:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120061342#Comment_120061342

Don't wait next time someone mentions a bunch of icky things like that. Run.

With respect OP, you can't build a relationship with someone solely on thinking they're a ride. Well you can, but it's going to end up like this every time. **** / immature / flaky people can be rides. Run a **** person filter from now on. What's a dealbreaker? Someone who loves attention and values that over commitment and integrity? Someone whose words don't match their actions? Write it all down and get clear on it before you start dating again.

Furze99 · 03-01-2023 7:39pm

Look if you're still yearning for her after six months, maybe there was more to this than the other posters above give credit for. Weigh it up and figure if there is/was a deeper connection. If so, faint heart never won fair lady - swallow the old pride, drop her a card and explain/ apologise for your own perceived insecurities and ask her if she wants to give it another go - that you're open to it. And that if she doesn't, then no hard feelings etc etc Nothing to lose by doing this.

heartbreak · 03-01-2023 7:44pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120061416#Comment_120061416

Cheers for the reply,i reached out after a bit of time and was told the relationship was toxic,i replied i really didn't agree or see it that way and put my point across explained my own insecurities etc but she didn't want to try again.i left it at that.

*my own insecurities caused the break up that's what I meant,when I txt her,meaning it was stuff I had to work on.

Furze99 · 03-01-2023 7:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120061433#Comment_120061433

Well then, accept that - forgive, forget and move on. Good luck.

heartbreak · 03-01-2023 7:52pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120061440#Comment_120061440

Thanks for the reply appreciate it. yeah it has to be done other wise i will drive my self insane.

LilacNails · 03-01-2023 7:58pm

Op do u really think she is so great even tho she kissed a married guy? That she works with? Open ur eyes.

She sounds v immature. I wouldn't look too far into the claims ur controlling and gas light, shes not a victim but sounds like shes acting like one.

Walk away, before she melts ur head more.

JoChervil · 03-01-2023 9:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120061433#Comment_120061433

Reading this thread I agreed with others that you dodged a bullet. She needs a few years to grow up. You were insecure but she just flared them up.

But this your answer gives me some insight into the dynamic of your relationship. You don't listen. And you come across as a controlling person.

You weren't interested in her point of view and into getting to the bottom of your failure to at least learn from it. I think you need therapy to understand yourself first.

If you are mourning for so long, it means you got too dependent on her. She filled too much void in you. You need to do it yourself to get grounded in yourself.

heartbreak · 03-01-2023 9:12pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120061920#Comment_120061920

i hear you and i was at times i would admit,i said that in the reply to her and apologized for my behaviour,that it's something that i need to work on and i have went every week since the break up to therapy,going again this week.

thanks for the feedback

heartbreak · 03-01-2023 9:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120061481#Comment_120061481

thanks for the feedback.

Donald Trump · 03-01-2023 9:25pm

Walk away and be grateful you had the experience and are getting out of it now.

You can come back in 5 years and she'll be posting on boards.ie on why she can't find a "decent fella" that is up to her standards. Let her at it.

Kurooi · 03-01-2023 9:39pm

Of course she thinks you're controlling, she's out to have fun and you're being a prude getting angry at her trying to get some action on Tinder.

She won't be chill with her man being on Tinder when she starts pushing mid 30s.

Relationships for men are physical, it's OK to admit to yourself you enjoyed that too. Hitting up attractive 25yos in your 30s is pretty cool you obviously have things going for you. You had some fun and that's ok too. Going forward try to separate character if for a moment , don't be talking children with a missus you aren't getting on with even in what should be your honeymoon period.

road_high · 03-01-2023 9:40pm

Fcuk me- an absolute bullet dodged here. I know it doesn’t seem that way yet but you should be counting your blessings daily you got away from this “one” when you did. There are so many obvious red flags and serious character flaws it’s almost too obvious and too many to mention. You’ll see that all with time though

Larbre34 · 03-01-2023 9:50pm

Yeah, that breakup was the best thing that could have happened to you.

At the same time, I know thats not how you feel in your heart right now. From experience I know that Counselling does involve knocking down a few walls before building them up stronger again, so please, stick with it if you can and make yourself your number one priority.

Better days are ahead, look after yourself.

Still stihl waters 3 · 03-01-2023 10:30pm

She sounds like a scumbag tbh,you're better off without her

dogbert27 · 04-01-2023 6:26am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120061342#Comment_120061342

"i was told at the end by her i was controlling, a gas lighter etc"

Ever hear the saying, accuse others of that which you are guilty of?

You had an argument and she joins tinder?!

You, probably wanting more commitment from her was her accusing you of being controlling.

She knew that you were probably more in to her than she was in to you had you wrapped around her finger.

Reading your posts this girl was obviously really physically attractive and that is probably what you are missing the most. It's just the thought of it that is making you miss her.

If you guys were back together tomorrow then within a week you'd be going through the same drama sxxt as before.

Get back out there and look for someone who is more mature than this girl.

TheadoreT · 04-01-2023 9:03am

People always blame the other person in their advise in these scenarios but you've done so much wrong here than most women with choices would have lost attraction for you. Having someone on a pedestal is about the worst thing you can do from a dynamic point of view in a relationship. If you don't think you're worthy of someone it always manifests in all the ways you've shown here.

And good looking women will always attract outside attention, you need to rise above it with the knowledge she's coming home to you at night, not them. The more you show insecurity the more they'll test you to see if you're strong enough. At a primitive level they want to pass on the best characteristics to their children so won't settle for a man who isn't strong enough to stayed centred.

iniscealtra · 04-01-2023 9:25am

Just accept that you weren’t right for each other. She wasn’t ready for a relationship and to commit. You will have good memories but it just wasn’t right. Learn from it - you want more than good looks next time.

Hannibal_Smith · 04-01-2023 9:27am

You were on your guard from the beginning. Despite that you convinced yourself all was great and you were being insecure. Sometimes we hold on tighter to the things we've more chance of losing regardless of whether that thing is actually good for us or not.

It wasn't your insecurities or you who ruined it. You were 10 months into a relationship with someone you weren't compatible with. That happens. It was always eventually going to end.

Instead of looking back with rose-tinted glasses and regretting what you've lost. Take from it to move forward. You've learned that a red flag can't be ignored, so if your gut is telling you something don't disregard it and convince yourself it doesn't matter.

YellowLead · 04-01-2023 9:30am

OP - fair play for getting therapy to help. You’ll get over this - as horrible as heartbreak is and as hard it can be to see past it, we all get over it and we move on, humans are strong. You’ll be grand after more time, but you can’t move on until you accept it wasn’t right so do that and your part of the way there.

Its easy to be swayed by a pretty face, but make sure a kind heart is also present in future.

heartbreak · 04-01-2023 12:15pm

First of all I just want to say thanks to everybody who left a comment.

A lot of these comments got me through a bad day yesterday.

In fairness to her she did reassure me a lot and she always said "you're all I want " and "if we ever broke up I would never get over you" etc and a poster above is right,she was coming home to me.

I met her on tinder just for context, we slept together from the first date on wards,you are all right in saying we are just not compatible,so it started probaly more like a fling.

In therapy sessions he keeps going back to that our Insecurities sparked each others and it would of never lasted.

I keep thinking (not that it's any of my business) that she will meet a secure guy who won't bring up this stuff and I have missed out.My family (mam and dad got on great with her) and her family really liked me too.

But I am taking onboard what was said by posters above,I'm looking back on the relationship with rose tinted glasses and it was just never going to work.

I am going to keep going to therapy and get a handle on my own self esteem,confidence etc because at the moment it's on the floor.

YellowLead · 04-01-2023 12:28pm

OP there are further red flags revealed here. She told you she’d never get over you if you broke up? That’s weird. That smacks of somebody who hasn’t got a handle on life or themselves and maybe is a wee bit unstable. It’s ridiculous to make such claims and promises 10 months in. If somebody said that to me I’d be running a mile.

Dont hinge your self esteem on this relationship. There will be others - don’t wallow any longer, look after yourself and when you are ready imagine having a stable loving relationship - the longer you wallow, the further away that will be.

TheadoreT · 04-01-2023 12:29pm

Chalk it up to experience and don't make the same mistakes next time OP.

She was clearly massively into it at the beginning to sleep with you on a first date. But then all your weaknesses you displayed gradually led her to where you ended.

Would you pander/pedestalise people like her in the business you own? I see the strongest people in work life absolutely fall apart in a relationship with a good looking woman. She was likely initially very into how much you have your life together, and natural confidence that brings with it. But as you admit yourself your confidence is on the floor now which is the polar opposite to the person she invested in, so can you blame her? You changed.

JoChervil · 04-01-2023 1:45pm

OP, words mean nothing. Only actions count. She could have reassured you with words but they were all lies, so such reassurances didn't work. See how she acted opposite and as a result undermined you:

she stayed in touch with her exes (especially with a married guy from work)
she signed back to Tinder after a quarrel and it is a real threat from a person, who sleeps with others on the first night (with her pretty face she was very likely a night away from cheating on you). And she told you about it to punish you and keep you insecure.

Don't regret this relationship. It was toxic. Your self esteem and confidence are on the floor because of her actions. You are better off without her and after a therapy, you will find a girl, who will be much better for you.

JoChervil · 04-01-2023 1:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120064116#Comment_120064116

This. I call it "love paid in advance".

She told you :"A week before we broke up she told me she couldn't wait to we have kids together etc and that i was the best boyfriend in the world etc", "you're all I want " and "if we ever broke up I would never get over you". Have they turned true? So they were lies and she got your love in return for this empty talking. Next time don't believe so easily in what people say, only believe in what people do.

heartbreak · 04-01-2023 2:08pm

Hitting me with gems here.

Very true !

vinniem · 04-01-2023 3:10pm

Sorry to hear about your experience, she has done a right number on you. But I can tell you from experience that you will get over this, it will make you a stronger person and you won't be so easily misled again. You seem like a good person. You will meet the right woman for you and you will be so happy and never look back! Chin up💪

oldfriend213sf · 04-01-2023 3:53pm

I'm actually seeing a lot of me pre-therapy in you OP and it's very frustrating! There were more red flags from this woman than a Chinese communist parade and you just bent yourself like a pretzel to try to make it work at any cost because she was attractive / there was chemistry, whatever.

Someone could've told me these things when I was being actively love-bombed or destroyed by a highly charismatic but massively toxic man a few years ago and I would've nodded my head and continued in the brain-washed trance of thinking I'd never meet someone like them again and this was my only shot at love etc. Not a notion of doing what was needed for myself because the red flags weren't registering as red flags and I was translating them as "chemistry" or "he needs me" or "I can change him" or "I need to prove to him that I'm worthy" or any number of false beliefs I had programmed into my brain.

So all I can say is continue with the therapy and maybe bring up the issue of letting a woman that clearly had different priorities and wasn't willing to treat you with respect to have unbridled access to you and power to rip you apart. You need better boundaries than that, but you need self-knowledge and self-confidence to build those boundaries in the first place. Also worth considering if mid-20s women are the best target market for you if what you want is stability and commitment. I can tell you as a former mid-20s not bad looking woman that life was transient, relationships were stop-start and I hadn't a notion of what I wanted or what was good for me and that was reflected in my dating life.

heartbreak · 04-01-2023 8:30pm

Thanks for the responses really appreciate it.

We were just not right for each,two of us have work to do.

Tork · 04-01-2023 11:28pm

OP, have you had many girlfriends in recent years? I'm getting some desperation vibes from your posts and wonder if the stage of life you're at played any part in this. You're in your mid-thirties and all around you, your peers are settling down and starting families. Did you see this woman as your last chance saloon by any chance? While you've noted that you have insecurities, the behaviour of your ex should've pushed you into dumping her months ago. Instead, she was the one who pulled the plug. She doesn't sound like a "great girl" at all and nobody reading this thinks you have lost the love of your life. You had a lucky escape. When somebody tells you who they are, you should listen. You didn't.

TheadoreT · 05-01-2023 6:11am

She may well have been great though. The need to always tear down the other half in these threads to console the OP isn't helpful to him owning his behaviours.

If this was written from her perspective it reads something like "guy I was mad about at the start turned into a jealous, obsessive potentially controlling boyfriend who I don't feel fully safe around." And everyone would be telling her to run a mile.

I don't think any of her actions were particularly out of the normal, its literally what all women with waning interest do, they test for strength. Which he clearly failed and probably persued her harder and got deeper into his obsessional behaviours until she literally had zero attraction left and was ready to move on almost right away.

heartbreak · 05-01-2023 9:05am

I do agree with this to some extent I have to say.

I wouldn't say obssessional,there was times even towards the end if I didn't txt her for a good few hours,she would get insecure saying I hadn't txt her for hours (I would be busy with work),I think we rubbed of on each other the wrong way.

But I can see your point of view definitely.

TheadoreT · 05-01-2023 10:25am

I dont think you were effecting her emotions at all by the end tbh, which is why she moved on so quick. She'd have respected you a lot more if you literally never text her at all during work unless it was something urgent. Over-texting is an anticipation killer anyway. She was just testing to see if she can have her way with you.

It's pretty easy to deflect that sort of nagging by just telling her later on something like "you love hearing from her but you were too busy to reply, tell me everything about your day now". But most guys will react badly and do something weak like apologising or get annoyed.

JoChervil · 05-01-2023 10:55am

"Treat them mean to keep them keen" works only in immature relationships.

OP, don't go that route. Build your natural authority and respect coming from it through therapy, not through calculated artificial means.

oldfriend213sf · 05-01-2023 1:27pm

How is someone jealous and controlling for responding badly to the person they're dating lapping up male attention and downloading dating apps every time they have a disagreement?

Strong disagree to all that, also this notion that women "test for strength", it's the gauge of someone extremely immature and lacking integrity if their way of dealing with losing interest in someone is to ramp up with other guys and flaunt that in said guy's face.

Honestly, all of this is school yard antics. Lots of women are hot and don't need to entertain every man's attention to feel good about themselves. It's called boundaries and self respect, not to mention respect for your partner. If anyone is making you feel "less than" in a relationship and like you have to fight to keep their attention / interest - man or woman - run, don't walk. Otherwise you're in for a life of drama, insecurity and headfcuk.

heartbreak · 05-01-2023 2:40pm

When we were first dating,basically it was just sleeping with each other from the first date onwards,I think she was trying to make me a bit jealous at the start for me to commit more because she said she never knew were she stood with me,which is true and I feel guilty about.

I am working on myself now and looking back it just wasn't meant to be from the get go.

It's definitely a lesson learnt and it has affected me a lot,I work in IT,so I work from home,I find it hard to meet new people etc I think that's making it harder.

All her friends are single so I know it's easier for her to move on.

I am beating myself up every day about the whole thing but I've taken on board all the comments here and realised it's not "the one"

Thanks for all the replys

Hannibal_Smith · 05-01-2023 3:12pm

At the end of the day OP, no one can tell you what her thinking is or was and you're just going to wreck your own head trying to guess it. No one can tell you she was testing for strength or otherwise because they don't know her from Adam.

You need to stop beating yourself up about it. And it's great that you're continuing to work with the counsellor that's exactly the right step. You will get passed this.

heartbreak · 05-01-2023 3:31pm

Thanks Hannibal

pgj2015 · 05-01-2023 4:17pm

If you met a stunner soon after you broke up, would you miss your ex as much? I don't think so, I remember last year I fell in love with someone I thought was just a friend, when she wasn't around for a few weeks I copped that I liked her as more than a friend. She was actually toxic but you cant help when you fall for someone. anyway I met a little stunner through work around the time I was depressed over my friend and I was very quickly over her.

Now im not saying its all about looks because its not and im surprised you still are so hung up on looks in your 30s, im 30s as well.

im on the dating apps at the moment, never used to use them but I joined lately just for the craic and its great in general, some headers on it but some great women as well.

screamer · 05-01-2023 4:33pm

There are always 2 sides to every story, but OP pickup the pieces, your heart will heal. Next time look for someone who is an equals don’t put them up on a pedestal, and take things slowly. Sleeping together on a first date for me would be a big no no, take time to get to know them before you trust them with your heart.

Finding it hard to function Heart broken

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