online dating

I can't have kids anymore anyway. That wouldn't happen with a woman my age or otherwise. I relate to them easier in my experience. As far as the phsyical is concerned, there's no bonus necessarily going older. It's the same to me. There's a large life experience gap there. I understand that. But that in itself hasn't caused me problems before. I can't easily relate to women my age because, I feel fundamentally different to people my own age. I don't have the same interests, I don't have the same taste in film, TV, music etc. I don't feel comfortable.

Whilst I understand this, nearly 20 years older is a BIG difference and a 40 year woman likely isn't going to want a relationship with a 20 year old man. I say this as someone who had a relationship with a guy 9 years younger and men 10+ years older. I'm not against age gaps overall, but 20 years is a LOT when the younger person is just out of their teens.

There are plenty of women who aren't interested in kids, check out the childfree forum here for an example.

The having things in common thing, I understand, but you're not an anomaly -there will be women in the same boat as you around your own age with similar interests who are looking for someone more mature than the average 20 year old.

I would cap it at 30 TBH.

The thing is - have you had any relationships happen out of the ones with women in their late 30s/40s? I'm asking because it sounds like it's not actually going too well if you really look at it.

What about early 20s?

See I think this is why you're feeling so bad about yourself in terms of job/car/house etc. You're comparing yourself to people with 20 years on you.

I seriously think you should start reaching out to girls a lot closer to your age and just give it a try. But only when you build up your own confidence in yourself a bit more.

Ah ok. What expectations? Like you've said you're already forking out on hotels for these older women.

I honestly think you just need to be happier in yourself so that you're the one setting the standard of what you want rather than trying to find someone who'll have you. You seem like a genuinely lovely guy.

Agreed.

I've dated plenty of guys living in house shares, I'd consider it normal if you're single in Ireland and wouldn't be at all fazed. Having a car or not is definitely not a big deal either, sure I only started driving myself the past year.

You need to open your mind up to the possibility that you've made a lot of assumptions based on a limited amount of experience and that there's every chance you'll meet someone closer to your own age who isn't looking for all of those things. You're too young to be this cynical already! :)

What are your own goals? What do you want to do with your life? What do you want in life? Get that clear first and then look for someone on the same page.

Edit: add on

I was dating a fella on/off in my 20s who was 11 years older, and I remember feeling a similar way at one point in comparison to him because he had the house/car setup going on. You know what he said? The same thing we're saying now: "you have plenty of time to sort all that, I've had a good few more years ahead of you." Not the nicest guy I ever dated but he wasn't wrong about that.

My not listening to anything anyone has said here is an assumption on your part. I said that I've deleted the apps for my own good.

Was this in reference to something I said?

Ok so the first thing I want to say here is - please don't take anything anyone is posting the wrong way. I was reading over the replies (including my own) and I can see how you might be feeling a bit disheartened and under attack. I'm not assuming you feel that way, but in case you are - don't be. Everyone here is genuinely trying to help based on their own experience, and here's the thing: if people with more experience are telling you that your assumption of the dating pool available to you is wrong, then it's probably wrong. You know?

Again, I do think you need to work on yourself first. If you looked at half the datingships/relationships I was in in my 20s, you wouldn't be taking any advice from me, I was richoheting from one mess to another. But people learn and people grow, and you CAN get past these things when you work hard at it. The thing is, you have to work at it and no-one else can do it for you.

No relationship is going to fix what's going on with you. You have to do it. And if you go looking for relationships before you're ready, I honestly don't think they're going to last.

It's okay to be on your own for a while, even if you give it 6 months to start with, take the pressure of dating off yourself. I get the whole friends thing, that's really fcuking tough with anxiety. I didn't have a big bunch of friends at 20 when I moved to Dublin and I wasn't overly friendly with the college ones as I was always working, so what I did was I joined a few online groups and met people through them, have a look in your local area for Facebook groups and see if there are any that do meet ups. I found the gym a really great way to meet people too AND it helps so much with your mood, it really really does. Are there any small fitness groups in your area? Maybe a running club? You might find a free one that a few people have set up locally if you have a look. You need an outlet. It sounds like you don't have one at the moment and that's not good, especially not when you're dating because everything is going to revolve around that person if you've nothing else going on.

This money you're spending on dates and hotels, look for a therapist who does a sliding scale for unemployed people (most do if you call and ask, and doesn't have to be local as they do online now) and use that money to work on yourself.

You're 20, you're good-looking, you're clearly a nice person. This is just the start of your life. You have plenty of time to get it right, and you will. You just need to change your focus a little right now.

**edited to be less of a biography😂

Appreciate the 50/50 there😂

Nah I don't feel attacked in any way. All good there. I appreciate your input.

I know relationships won't fix me. Deep down, I know that. Just a vain hope. In terms of things going on, things I could do etc. The Occupational Therapist was telling me that she organises a few different groups. Like the Gym group is on Mondays, and walking is on Fridays. Can't remember what the others are. I'd like to study again, because I'm not getting anywhere otherwise, but I have this fear of failure after how it went the first time around. Programming screwed me up quite badly.

I'm on waiting lists for further help like psychiatrists and psychologists and so on. Already seeing on psychologist though.

I appreciate you mentioning your own life experience by the way.