Am I taking it too personal

mmc2010 · 18-01-2023 9:31am #1

My 7yo is minded every day after school by a parent of a girl in her class. She's happy there and she gets on well enough with the other girl, most of the time but they have their clashes every now and again. The childminder has started taking her child and another school friend (whom my daughter is also friendly with), to a short term dance group, while she is minding my child. I just cant understand why she wouldn't just invite my child along too. She brings her along in the car, drops the two children off and brings my child back to her house again. My child is upset and feels like she is missing out. I know the mother wants her child 'doing her own stuff' and I've no problem with that but I feel its abit mean-spirited to leave a small child out like that. Am I wrong? I'm not sure whether to say something or just to leave it as a lesson to my child that she won't be invited to everything...

Princess Calla · 18-01-2023 9:45am

I can't see any dance classes running that are free.

We pay 12euro an hour for ours and the wait list is long!

Tbh it would be in the childminders interest to have both kids in the class as she'd basically have that time to herself.

Jim_Hodge · 18-01-2023 9:48am

Did you think about registering your child for the classes and paying the term fees?

mmc2010 · 18-01-2023 9:51am

Hi Princess Calla, it def wouldn't be free and I'd be more than happy to pay for it. It was more that I would have expected she would have said to me that 'Mary and Sarah are going to this 5 wk dance class, would Patricia like to come too.' I work full time and don't have the opportunity to take her many places during the week,

Toots · 18-01-2023 9:54am

I wonder was it that her daughter maybe wanted to do something on her own with a friend who isn't your daughter? I know it seems unfair but your daughter is at her house every day and maybe she just wanted a break to socialise with a different friend.

mmc2010 · 18-01-2023 9:59am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120123424#Comment_120123424

That's a fair point Toots! I think it would have been reasonable to tell me that though rather than just leaving her out....

Count Dracula · 18-01-2023 10:11am

Quite a strange one. Why would she be happy to spend an hour alone with your daughter, whilst her own daughter gets dumped for an hour or so? Very Strange?

Millions of mothers live their lives through their kids.... how is your relationship with your child's minder? Do you pay her? Do you take her kids now and then? Does she like you, does she maybe dislike your daughter?

I would try to avoid spending your life interfering with your daughters relationships, in fairness it is rare enough for pre-adolescent friendships to survive the teenage years into adulthood. However, it won't stop your daughter developing strong bonds with whoever she is friendly with, even at age 7.

I suffered the misfortune of being separated deliberately from a childhood friend because some interfering social worker told both our parents we should be separated, we were deliberately sent to different classes at age 8 and different secondary schools. We resumed our friendship again around 15 years of age and whilst our lives have moved on now, we had an amazing time form then up to our early 30's. We are still friends, but live different lives now.

Parents who interfere and overly manipulate their kids are idiots, generally.

Princess Calla · 18-01-2023 10:13am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120123415#Comment_120123415

Yeah I get that, if I was minding a child that's what I would do too.

However as toots has said maybe the daughter wanted to do something on her own.

Maybe the childminder was worried about pay being cut......or doesn't want to set a precedence of ferrying your daughter to different activities.

It might be something simple as a last minute place opened up.

Without talking to the childminder it's very hard to know. I think you do need to have that conversation.

MarkR · 18-01-2023 10:17am

Maybe those kids had been on a waiting list to get into the class. Could be full.

byrne249 · 18-01-2023 10:20am

Looks like your child is being actively ostracized from activities. Very strange indeed. When I was a child there were a gang of us on a lane, rural setting. I occasionally was minded by other parents. If they were going somewhere, swimming etc. I was always asked if I would like to go to. A swimming lessons group was organised and everyone on the lane went.

Just think about it, you're in a car with your two 'friends' going somewhere. Your two 'friends' hop out and go in to have fun but you are arbitrarily told to stay or go home. It's humiliating and you can be damn sure your child feels humiliated but probably doesn't know how to enunciate this. I think you already know as you wouldn't be posting here if your gut instinct wasn't already in gear.

Jim2007 · 18-01-2023 10:28am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120123436#Comment_120123436

Are you paying this person to look after your child? It strikes me that you don’t seem to have good lines of communication and no agreed approach as to what minding your child entails.

mmc2010 · 18-01-2023 11:37am

thanks very much for all your comments. I think its probably just that she wants her own child doing something different, which is fair enough.

Deeec · 18-01-2023 11:45am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120123803#Comment_120123803

This could be it. However I would have expected her to mention it to you so you could explain it to your child. She has given no consideration to how this may upset your child. She should have asked you if your child wanted to do the dance class too. Could it be that she thinks that her pay would be cut by an hour if your child is doing the class?

Also Ive learned over the years that some people have just no cop on - this could also be a reason.

victor8600 · 18-01-2023 11:46am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120123803#Comment_120123803

Would actually talking to the childminder about this be a good idea maybe?

Jim_Hodge · 18-01-2023 12:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120123841#Comment_120123841

She's child minding this girl. Her own kids have to live their own lives. The childminder is doing something for her own child. She is minding the OPs child. There's a distinction. It's up to the OP to organise extracurricular activities for her own child.

Neyite · 18-01-2023 12:26pm

You need to talk to her really. If the arrangement is otherwise great then you need to manage your daughters expectations - or, arrange a hobby for her on the weekend you can bring her to so that while she's sitting in the car for the girls's hobby, she knows she gets to do her own one at a different time.

You say this though: "She's happy there and she gets on well enough with the other girl, most of the time but they have their clashes every now and again". That actually doesn't sound like they are the best of friends so maybe the childminder feels your kids need a break from each other in the week.

My neighbour would have said the same about her son with mine but the truth was that they only played with each other when they had to. And my son didn't like hers much at all - so much so that when we moved, he was relieved to be away from the other boy. The truth was that there was something most days that they disagreed on and I would only really see the times when my son came in the door balling because he got yet another whack or whatever. Some kids just don't get along - even siblings need to do their own thing without having to share.

The other suggestion is if there was something else on at the same time that your daughter could get dropped to? That way they all get to do an activity and it eases the perception of unfair treatment.

Deeec · 18-01-2023 12:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120123980#Comment_120123980

I do know that but you are missing the issue - the child is feeling excluded. The childminder should have dealt with this better so the child was prepared for this. Making a child feel left out is lousy behaviour for a childminder.

mmc2010 · 18-01-2023 12:45pm

yes, she's being paid to mind my child for two hours after school and I would expect fair treatment towards all the children in her house for those two hours - regardless of whether they are my child or hers. The least I would expect is kindness and I just don't think dropping the other two girls off to an activity that ultimately she would have enjoyed is particularly kind. But maybe I am being too simplistic - her own child is always going to be her priority and I just need to suck it up!

Deeec · 18-01-2023 1:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120124148#Comment_120124148

I agree - the fact that the 3 girls are in the same class in school makes it especially unfair. If they were in separate classes or schools I could understand. She should at least mentioned it to you.

I think all you can do is mention it casually to the childminder that your child mentioned that the girls are doing dancing. See what excuse she comes up with because she should feel a little embarrassed. Its important not to let it annoy you though - just mention it and then forget about it. Explain to your child that sometimes people want to do different things with different people.

Princess Calla · 18-01-2023 1:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120124148#Comment_120124148

It's not about being too simplistic it's about managing expectations.

You need to talk to your childminder.

Her role is to mind your child , which is what she is doing.

If you want your child participating in after school activities, you need to firstly see if the childminder is willing to bring them and collect them and then see if you can get your child booked in.

The way it has happened isn't great , it's unfortunate that both kids are same gender as if this was her bringing her son to football or whatever you probably wouldn't have much of an issue.

I know myself some parents like their kids participating in activities away from the school class group just to broaden their friendship group.

I do suspect if you don't address the issue it's going to fester.

FionnB · 18-01-2023 1:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120123469#Comment_120123469

So bringing your daughter to a dance class counts as her being 'dumped'? What a strange attitude you have.

shesty · 18-01-2023 4:38pm

Mod Warning

@Count Dracula avoid the generalisations please. The OP is looking for advice, and making broad sweeping statements about general parental behaviour is not helpful.

Can we all refrain from going down the rabbit hole of back and forth on individual posts, rather than addressing the OP.

Thanks,

S

Data Analyst · 20-01-2023 10:19am

I think it’s simply the case of the childminders daughter wanting to do her own thing.

maybe the childminders daughter doesn’t see it as a friendship between herself and your daughter.

are you paying the childminder?

Jim_Hodge · 20-01-2023 11:50am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120132895#Comment_120132895

This is it precisely. Being a girl in her class doesn't make the childminder's daughter the OP's daughter's best friend. If it's a formal paid childminder situation then the OP has to realise the minder's family have their own separate lives.

Am I taking it too personal

Comments

Mod Warning

@Count Dracula avoid the generalisations please. The OP is looking for advice, and making broad sweeping statements about general parental behaviour is not helpful.

Can we all refrain from going down the rabbit hole of back and forth on individual posts, rather than addressing the OP.

Thanks,

S