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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5192
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    what is brown and comes out of cows backwards?

    The Isle of Wight ferry.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5193
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo



    When David Beckham's son made his debut last night for Brentford B team last night, the manager gave him the number 4 shirt.


    "Wear four out there, Romeo."



  • #5194
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo



    How does an alchemist get his wife off?


    Elixir



  • #5195
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    For dinner, tonight I am treating my wife to a Himalayan rabbit stew.


    I found himalayan on the side of the road.



  • #5196
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Some women like their men like coffee- hot, dark and strong.

    My wife prefers them like tea- in a bag and under water.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5197
    Banjo Carney
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭Banjo Carney


    Y’all think eggs are expensive… wait until you fertilize one



  • #5198
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?"


    Dad: "I don't know."




    Son: "So it was you."



  • #5199
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just asked the woman in WHSmith if Prince Harry’s book is available to download.


    She asked, ‘You mean the PDF file?’


    I said no, that’s his uncle.



  • #5200
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week but actually, but it was more of a spell check.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5201
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My neighbour's 4 year old Grandson is learning basic foreign phrases , but he still can't say please yet in Spanish.....that's poor for Four



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  • #5202
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


    I wouldn't say the wife was fat but she fell down stairs and I thought Eastenders was finishing


     



  • #5203
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,199 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Dad always insisted on switching everything off before he went to bed, which is actually how he died and everyone else in that intensive care ward.



  • #5204
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    To the person who stole my place in the queue, I’m after you now!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5205
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I had an operation on my funny bone today.


    The doctor said I will be in stitches for two weeks.



  • #5206
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor.


    I’m in it for the long hall.



  • #5207
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,800 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    Just because most people think you look funny does not make you a comedian.



  • #5208
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I've got a pet pheasant which I called ABBA because that's the name of the game.



  • #5209
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125904#Comment_120125904

    "People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now."

    ― Bob Monkhouse,



  • #5210
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,457 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Imagine you don't know what 'Uber' or 'Uber Eats' are.


    "Uber Eats Driver's Car Stolen at Gunpoint in Northeast DC"

    https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/uber-eats-drivers-car-stolen-at-gunpoint-in-northeast-dc/3230374/


    Uber must be a huge gun-toting, car-eating dog.



  • #5211
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    How did 37 mathematicians board a bus with only 36 seats?

    They carried the one

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5212
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Got a fright last night when I was in the bath. I felt a tap on my shoulder.



  • #5213
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The company that owns the franchise to Heinz soups in Italy has gone into adminestrone

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5214
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What was the name of the irish judge with no balls?


    Justice Mickey



  • #5215
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,199 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I watched this documentary about beavers.

    It’s the best dam series I’ve ever watched



    Pulled something in my back carrying bags of coal to the shed.

    Miner injury.



  • #5216
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My obese parrot died today.


     


    It’s sad news, 


     


    But it’s a huge weight off of my shoulders.



  • #5217
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5218
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Some friends suggested holding a joint party for the Chinese New Year and Burns Night called ‘Chinese-Burns Night’ 


     


     


    I wasn't keen but they twisted my arm...



  • #5219
    Banjo Carney
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭Banjo Carney


    I asked my girlfriend what date her birthday was on, she said ' March 1st ,

    So I walked around the room and asked her again...



  • #5220
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My wife said I have to stop making puns of world capitals..


    You win some, Jerusalem.



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  • #5221
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What if after you die, God asks you: “So how was heaven?”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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