What's the etiquette here??

Incredibly impersonal, when giving someone your “number 2” preference it should always be your own.

Just dropped an absolute specimen. Didn't know whether to flush or break a bottle and name it first!

I've fired off a quick mail to Ringsend as they may want the guys ready with the net to fish it out of the inlet. I've no doubt it'll arrive intact. Could provide useful information to help the designers with any future works at the plant.

I was going to get them a while ago, for that very reason. There but for the grace of god and all

I dunno lads, human use toilet wipes are found alongside the TP display, or more commonly, in the Infant goods and services section of your typical Tescos

The ones that Einstein used above, are placed for sale beside the bleach, the toilet duck and the caustic soda, for a reason. Even if I did happen to be that much of an imbecile, I'm not sure I'd admit to the media at large, that the radiation from my ring was being picked up on the James Webb Space Telescope.

But while I'm here...

Q: What did the Cavan man take for diarrhoea?

A: €5 a bucket, 3.50 for pensioners.

Yeh, not a festive occasion but was in a ‘Bijou’ Hotel in Cornwall a while back.

Now nothing too nasty but the greasy helmet behind the bar was not overly welcoming.

Fcuhhker not used to pumping out gallons of stout and meaty pasties quanto rapido.

Anyway foohker insulted one of our team and action was called for.

About two hours before closing and full of stout and pasties occupied the four stalls and sprayed 8 arse cheeks full of ripe military green scutthery midden over the units.

stood back and laughed as the complaints flooded in.

Last seen with a bucket an mop heading for the bomb bays, while the manager took over the bar.

Serve the kernt right.

It is Berlin? Not much of a back shelf so I could be way off. No chain on that toilet?

Anyway, dealing with a legacy issue from the weekend in the downstairs “water closet” at home. My partner arranged a play date with a friend and their kids. One of the guys is a big lump of a thing, only 5 or 6 but you’d nearly guess he was twice that.

Anyway, he fired a depth charge into our jacks, real King Kong’s finger jobbie. Don’t know how he did it because, even though he’s a “unit”, the dimensions are eye watering. I should point out the kid damaged the flusher as well, must have been hanging out of it after he did what he did. I can’t help but feel it was personal.

The dump went unnoticed by everyone and it was the first thing I was “confronted” with when I stumbled in after the Leinster match, full of drink. Very nearly sent a stomach’s worth of porter in on top of if when I lifted the lid. The fermented stench was shocking.

Ive tried a number of tactics, mostly stuffing the bowl full of toilet paper but has only shifted some of the compacted bolus. I’m really loath to use the brush on someone else’s horrible “leavings”. I threw in bottle of bleach this morning before leaving the house, will see if that helps but I’d say it’ll be the brush in the end.

I dread to think what that lad will be doing in 10, or 15, years from now. Going to need a Teflon bowl or a proper old school crapper that can handle excessively heavy “loads”.

Had an embarrassing experience about two days ago.

Was driving to casa Bendar when I took the notion to pull into an upmarket garden centre to check the stock.

Parked the slab and rambled to the door noting that a fairly urgent ball of arse gas was building up.

Thought it would work itself out but no way.

Tried to ease one out at the climbing shrubs section but full of bewers in tweeds.

Spotted an area called My Shed or sommit and entered…. not a soul in sight..empty…nice and warm with a display in the middle.

Time to test the acoustics so unloaded a long watery ripper that hopped off the walls and galvanized roof…. Fcukker would have stopped a Leopard tank!

Anyway round the corner of the middle island and the legs buckled when I saw an auld wan sitting at a table doing an inventory!!

Tried to think of something but all I could come up with was ‘Very thundery outside missus’ before exiting very rapidly.

Cork?

The sitting room poker to move the unwanted lodger?

I felt a fart coming on , but rather than risk it I sat down. Cue a complete emptying of my insides in thick soup-like consistanty

But GOD it was needed