Ashamed

Traceyfinn00 · 25-01-2023 10:36am #1

Hello I'm lookingbfor some advice from anyone who has done something stupid while drunk met this lovely mas 2 weeks ago chating nonstop had a great first date he seemed very keen so we agreed to meet again only I stupidly had way to many drinks and arrived very drunk to him I'm not a big drinker maybe every few months but what ever I did r said he has gone completely off me I text next morning apologised for my behaviour he said it was fine he. Me again sometime but he has gone cold and completly gosted me ibxan understand him nit wanting to see me again I fucked up but to be ghosted after we had sex that night I feel is a chappy thing to do I asked him if he wanted to leave things but no reply he just gone silent for 3 days now

Iseedeadpixels · 25-01-2023 10:38am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058281185/ashamed

I honesty think he was just after sex, I see it all the times, hes lovely at first, gets what he wants then ghosts. Do your best to move on from him.

Traceyfinn00 · 25-01-2023 10:43am

Possibly but I feel so guilty and ashamed of my behaviour he seemed so into me until I got drunk we had sex tge first night too tgere was a big attraction and I wanted to sleep with him but this second time whatever I did drunk he has disappeared

Iseedeadpixels · 25-01-2023 11:07am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120154641#Comment_120154641

Nothing to be ashamed of, like I said he probably does this a lot.

YellowLead · 25-01-2023 2:37pm

This happens all the time. I doubt him ghosting is connected to your drunkenness.

What you need to do in future is be wary if somebody seems overly into you, it could be love bombing. It’s better when people take things semi slowly and get to know each other, it’s more genuine.

Have sex on the first or second date if you want to, but don’t do that if it’s upsetting for you to be ghosted after, because sometimes people are just looking for sex. Experience will be able to weed that out 90 per cent of the time. But remember - just because somebody says they are really into you and texts a lot doesn’t mean they are, you don’t know them enough in the early stages to judge this. So if you’re not after casual, take things slower and with a degree of caution.

Danzy · 25-01-2023 2:42pm

I'd bet my bottom dollar that he hardly noticed your level of drunkness or that it effected his decision.

He wanted the ride and that was all.

TheadoreT · 25-01-2023 8:09pm

Probably unrelated to ghosting but maybe when writing or texting guys you should slow down and check for spelling and grammar.

It would be a turn off for me if you wrote like you have here. Small things can matter.

NiceFella · 25-01-2023 8:24pm

Write it off to experience. He was looking for a ride and nothing more as far as I can tell.

If you are looking for something serious, slow down on the drinking. Ideally you would want to be fairly confident without it and if that's not the case then that's something you need to address.

Plus be a bit more guarded, people can get sucked in by people very quickly undeservingly.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-01-2023 8:56pm

I think people are being a bit kind to you OP. If I was him I'd be very unimpressed with you turning up pissed to a second date. You met him and had sex the first night. He agreed to a second date, and you turned up very drunk.

He didn't ghost you after having sex, he agreed to, and turned up for another date. You showed up pissed.

If it were me and a man showed up to our second date drunk I wouldn't bother with a third. And I wouldn't bother texting him to explain either. If he texted to apologise I'd probably say as this fella did to you that it was fine, but I wouldn't be making another date.

He owes you nothing. His silence is his answer. Take it as a lesson learned and don't show up to a date drunk.

Traceyfinn00 · 25-01-2023 9:50pm

I understand arriving drunk was a real bad idea and I regret it so much...hevwas after driving from Cork to Dublin that day and when he got to me I had one to many....I just simply asked him next day if he wanted to leave things I'd understand and if he wanted to meet for coffee I'd love to with no pub involved no hard feelings if he wasnt sure anymore but he just ignored my texts I just feel i deserved a I'm sorry but I'd like to leave things but I'm left feeling used and like I'm not even worth a goodbye

sniperman · 25-01-2023 9:55pm

the feelings your having now,remember them,lesson learnt,the hard way

Citizen Six · 25-01-2023 9:56pm

Doesn't really matter what the reason is, he just seems to not want to pursue any kind of a relationship. Time to move on.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-01-2023 10:57pm

He didn't use you. You had sex. He drove from Cork to Dublin for a second date. You might feel used. He possibly feels like you treated him like a fool. He made a huge effort to show up for a second date. I assume totally sober if he'd driven. And you arrive worse for wear.

My tolerance for drunk people is very low if I'm sober. I'd imagine the second date wasn't much fun for him, especially after a long drive.

You made a mistake. Just make sure you learn from it. No point trying to get any reaction from him. He's not interested.

Traceyfinn00 · 25-01-2023 11:07pm

All true I messed up so bad and I liked him so much I will absolutely learn my lesson now I feel I lost someone special

Goodigal · 25-01-2023 11:26pm

He drove all the way from Cork for you. What a shame you didn't acknowledge the effort he made at the time. I'd love someone to do that for me!

Chalk it down to poor judgement on your part (the too many drinks bit) and try not to let a nice guy slip away quite so easily next time. But don't beat yourself up about it. You can't go back in time and change things. Learn from it. Chin up!

Citizen Six · 25-01-2023 11:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120158455#Comment_120158455

There's loads more people out there. Don't worry about it.

Traceyfinn00 · 25-01-2023 11:32pm

He lives in Dublin but had a job to finish in Cork he booked a room both nights we met he was out of coverage most evenings with his work so I did have my doubts why his phone was off most evenings and the night we were to meet his phone was off again right up until 2 hours before we met I suppose I had a drink as I thought he might not show....I just thought I deserved a sorry I'm no longer interested and wish me good luck but to get no reply to any text I sent hurt he did awnser a call eventually and rushed me off the phone saying he text next day but that was 3 days ago

YellowLead · 25-01-2023 11:38pm

I miss understood initially - I thought you slept together on the second date where there was drunkenness.

More inclined to agree with BBofC’s take once I realised that. It would totally put me off if somebody arrived to a date very drunk especially if I drove out of my way to meet them. If I was super into them an there was a solid explanation I might give them another chance but I’d be cautious.

Advice still stands however - don’t sleep with people early on before a good understanding of each other has even developed, unless you are happy with causal only and are willing to risk that is all it might be.

Tork · 26-01-2023 12:09am

I remember some of your older threads. You have a track record of meeting unsuitable men or getting yourself into all sorts of strife. Are you learning anything from all of these experiences?

Traceyfinn00 · 26-01-2023 12:17am

I did explain I don't drink often and I didn't realise I was as drunk as I was until was to late I apologised and said I'm ashamed but it's not the person I am and if he could find it to give me another chance with a coffee and he could decide then he said yes to coffee at start and he check his schedule but I know in my heart he was only saying yes to be polite after that he ignored my calls and texts I already know I fucked up just wanted to know I wasn't just sex and wish my well that's all kinda closure

bottlebrush · 26-01-2023 12:20am

You say whatever you did drunk, he has disappeared. Does this mean you can't remember your behaviour on the night?

Either way, this man's silence is the loudest answer you will get that he is no longer into you. He made the effort to meet you for that second date after which it seems he has decided you are not compatible and he doesn't want to pursue the relationship further. It may be because you were drunk or he may have ghosted you anyway, who knows. In the ideal world he would give you an explanation but that doesn't happen in reality.

If you're ashamed of your behaviour while drunk, then don't drink or drink less. It won't guarantee you won't be ghosted but at least you won't be wondering what you were doing while drunk and feeling ashamed at the thoughts of it.

YellowLead · 26-01-2023 12:21am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120158795#Comment_120158795

You don’t get closure from a lot of online dating experiences - particularly when you’ve only met somebody a couple of times. Try not to get so invested too soon, have a more relaxed attitude so when stuff like this happens it doesn’t send you into a spin. It wasn’t meant to be with this guy, forget it and move on.

spaceHopper · 26-01-2023 2:08pm

He's from Dublin, he's meeting you on a work trip in Cork and booking a room, his phone is "out of coverage". Any chance he's a wife or girlfriend?

GavPJ · 26-01-2023 2:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120157557#Comment_120157557

Yip, and turning up drunk for a second date would have me walking away.

Traceyfinn00 · 26-01-2023 4:50pm

I did wonder if he was with someone he would go out of coverage a few nights he would tell me in advance he contact me when back in coverage I never gave it alot of thought......but we only live 20 minutes apart he is a driver who goes all over ireland I found it odd he could never meet for a coffee one evening had to be on a sunday both times at 8 r 9pm he booked room in advance....the night we were to meet I couldn't contact him for hours his phone was off.....he originally said he be free on the Saturday but that changed then said Sunday at 6 that changes as a trip to cork came up so we agreed same time as week before.....so yes there's a chance he might have someone

spaceHopper · 26-01-2023 5:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120161204#Comment_120161204

Well if that's the case, it's nothing you have done it was always going to happen. Sorry he's been such as d1ck, probably best to move on.

26-01-2023 5:01pm

Right turning up drunk isnt good but neither is ghosting. However he sounds shady, no where in Ireland would you be without coverage for days! Also booking a room in anticipation on the first 2 nights!? sounds like hes married and looking for some on the side.

Larbre34 · 26-01-2023 5:06pm

Married as f**k.

Forgive yourself for being a bit naive and take the incident off like a coat and leave it behind you.

Have a nice weekend, spoil yourself and never contact him again.

Traceyfinn00 · 26-01-2023 5:22pm

Thank u......if he wasn't married I think he was litterly only single maybe,20 minutes apart though and so hard to pin down I found odd I asked for cinema r coffee but his choice was the same hotel each time at a time where all restaurants were near closing etc who works 7 days a week that they xant take a few hours off for a coffee,I'm not justifying getting drunk but I really did want to avoid a pub situation and do something nice and drink free.....all week he was telling me I was amazing and beautiful and nicest person he spoke too in so long so me getting drunk should not have erased all I was in his eyes all week imo yes I imajine I looked a state but he knew from first time we met that I'm not that person

26-01-2023 5:31pm

You're fixating on the drunk thing. Dont do it again but dont beat yourself up over it right now. Block all contact with this guy and move on.

Also let this be a lesson. He love bombed you and wrapped you around his little finger to the point it wasnt clear to you that the going offline thing was a lie. Follow actions, not words and keep your eyes open next time.

Girl Geraldine · 26-01-2023 6:01pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120158795#Comment_120158795

I'm sorry but it is the person you are. You made the decision to go and drink, and you voluntarily drank the drink. They are your actions. So don't be deflecting. Drink didn't do anything. You did it, because you impaired yourself with drink.

And as for this fella. Leave him alone. If he wanted to talk to you or have contact with you, he would. But he is communicating with you all the same - his silence tells you that he has no interest. So respect that and leave him be. Don't be harrassing him with begging texts and phone calls.

As for being out of coverage except when when ye are about to meet up. That is just a shít excuse on his part. He is either just interested in a ride, or he is cheating on a partner, or both.

It is what it is.

emilymemily · 26-01-2023 11:28pm

Since he ghosted you id guess he's not as great as you think he is. Ghosters are usually immature time wasters that cant communicate, you dodged a bullet.

Traceyfinn00 · 27-01-2023 3:58am

Thanks Emily yes I think no matter what mistake a person u slept with made ghosting them when all a person wanted was a I'm no longer interested and wish me well.but obviously I was noting more then sex to him all the week lead Up,him texting and calling telling me how amazing was all bullshit

Big Bag of Chips · 27-01-2023 8:19am

Tracey, you are trying to push all blame on to him. He was texting you telling you you were amazing. Maybe he thought you were. But your behaviour on the second date made him feel that maybe he'd gotten you all wrong.

Yes, maybe it would have been nice to get a text where he let you down politely. But it also would have been nice for you to stay sober at least until you got to the date. You need to stop blaming him for backing off and ignoring you, and look at your behaviour and drinking. I've said it before and I'll repeat it. If a fella had turned up to a second date with me, pissed, I would be very offended. I would most likely block his number, and never contact him again. It would be a major red flag for me and would maybe signal just what sort of relationship I should expect if I continued with him. It shows a huge lack of respect, and possibly a drink problem. Not something I'd be willing to stick around and give a chance when there are plenty other people out there to date.

If a woman posted that a man turned up drunk to their second date after having sex with her on the first date she'd be advised to steer clear and not go back for a third date. She'd be told he clearly had no respect for her, it was a sign of things to come. Block his number and move on. She owes him nothing etc.

Yes, a text might have been nice to let you down gently. But after one date and one evening tolerating you drunk while he was sober, he owes you nothing. You need to look at your own behaviour and "own it". Otherwise you'll always be looking for someone else to blame rather than deal with yourself.

Tork · 28-01-2023 2:34pm

This is an incredible story but anyway....

Tracey, I've seen numerous threads from you here and you have an unerring knack for finding creeps and messing up your life. You come across as somebody who's vulnerable and exercises poor judgement. While I agree that turning up p*ssed for a date isn't good at all, it may have saved you on this occasion. This guy is dodgy and you chose to ignore the warning signs. Ireland has pretty good mobile phone coverage so being out of contact for that reason makes no sense. it also would make it difficult for him to do his job, because most people on the road need to be contactable. I'm also intrigued by why he needed to book a hotel room despite living near you. Aside from his assumption that riding would be happening, why could you not just go back to his place or yours? You were just his bit on the side and you were complicit in his cheating. If you struggle to read the cues from the men you keep on unearthing, can I offer you one piece of advice. Don't sleep with them on the first date. That'll shake off a certain % of the ones who just want to get laid. If a man is interested in you as a person, no nookie on the first date won't put him off.

Dial Hard · 28-01-2023 3:07pm

I too remember your many previous threads, OP, and I don't think the issue here is the fact that you inadvisadley got a bit pissed on your second date; it's your ongoing, inherent lack of self-worth because of your facial "issue". And I've put that in quotation marks because it's an issue for you rather than for anyone else.

You consider yourself so far below deserving of anyone's attention that you are willing to accept it from anyone, regardless of how poorly they treat you or how incompatible you are together. As long as this is the case, you'll continue to settle for a succession of chancers, narcissists and downright w@nkers, and then be so puzzled at and upset by how they make you feel that you'll behave as you did here, wonder if the fcuk-up was your fault, second-guess everything and thus the cycle continues.

You need to forget about men for a while and get yourself into some serious counselling with someone who's qualified to deal with your particular self-image issues, and discover how to value yourself as a whole, intact, human being who is worthy of the space they occupy in this world. Until you do that, you'll keep finding yourself in these situations.

You are more than just your facial difference.

Iseedeadpixels · 28-01-2023 3:17pm

In all seriousness Tracey I hope you'll move on from him, there have been some harsh comments here so don't take them to heart.

JoChervil · 29-01-2023 1:59am

Tracey, I think the way he was treating you for the whole week, like not being able to contact him etc. made you nervous more than usually. Our subconscious works all the time and knows better than our conscious mind. You deserved much better than being treated like a booty call, so you got nervous and drunk too much. It indicated that this guy was not for you, if he set you on such a destructive path. Next time, when someone makes you feel this way, notice it and run, not drink to numb yourself.

I think that others have a good advice for you. You need to strengthen yourself first to be able to deal with creeps. And check, if you are not developing drinking problem.

rolling boh · 29-01-2023 11:11am

The only good thing to come from you turning up gargled was to stop you getting involved with a guy who doesn't appear to be as single and free as you thought .Not going to repeat the good points already posted by others good luck to you and heed the points about drinking etc already posted .

xzanti · 29-01-2023 11:42am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120169525#Comment_120169525

Sounds married to me for sure. Or has a long term girlfriend. Probably kids too. The burner phone gets switched on right before his dates. IMHO.

mykrodot · 29-01-2023 12:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120163040#Comment_120163040

I think he had every right to "ghost" the OP...............if that's what you want to call it! I'd do the same and I am female, if a man turned up drunk. Stop putting the blame on the man here, it is entirely the fault of the OP. She needs to grow up and take ownership of her own issues. Its not attractive to be drunk on a date and its not attractive to then be begging for "closure" after 2 dates, this was not a relationship! Apologies if this sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

Duvet Day · 01-02-2023 4:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120172696#Comment_120172696

She turned up drunk, yet he slept with her and then ghosted her, his behaviour sounds much worse than hers imo. He's a ****k.

midnightblue · 01-02-2023 6:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120187603#Comment_120187603

He slept with her on the first date. There is a difference.

01-02-2023 7:04pm

I think he is not for you. Please do not feel ashamed. I have a good friend, and was friends too with her lovely late husband who sadly died of cancer a couple of years ago. She is a quiet lady, never drinks much, he was a lovely man who enjoyed a glass but not to excess, loved coming to my annual little party. I once asked how they met up, they said she was living in a flat in Ranelagh back in the 70s, and he came to one or two parties in the flat where she was extremely drunk on both occasions, most uncharacteristic of the person she became! She was so drunk on both occasions she got sick all over him! Yet he saw something compatible, and wanted to get to know the sober version of her. They fell in love, had a very happy marriage, and she still laughs at the “show” she made of herself initially.

Now unless your guy had had a particularly bad experience of alcohol previously in his life and was put off by his encounter with you because of that, it is likely enough he got as much as he wanted either way, ie a one night stand.

Maybe next date with somebody start off with coffee and a walk, or a day out, (maybe finishing with a drink) so he sees the real you. It’s very natural to be nervous on initial dates.

Duvet Day · 01-02-2023 8:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120188411#Comment_120188411

I read it wrong, thought it was the same night.

YellowLead · 02-02-2023 9:42am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120188959#Comment_120188959

Thats the way it read to me too initially. OP if you are still reading can you clarify?

Traceyfinn00 · 02-02-2023 1:16pm

Hi yea we slept together on the first date.....he booked a room and asked to meet at the hotel initially I wasn't happy he booked a room as he only lives 20 minutes from me but I thought oh he probwants to have a beer and not get a taxi home.....either way I wanted to sleep with him as I fancied him and we got on so well,the whole week after he initiated contact with compliments and ideas of future date's....the second date his phone was off for hours and I had a drink at home as was a bit upset then he rang said he was out of coverage and he meet in the hour but was 3 hours later he arrived at whitch point I was very drunk

Kurooi · 02-02-2023 2:05pm

What do you want to happen? You had a one night drunk hook up.That's all it was.

If you want a proper relationship don't start dates with a 3 hour drink session, and don't jump straight to sex. You acted like a hook up, you got a hook up. Pardon him if he's not making marriage plans just yet. Beautiful thing is, this is your business, your secret, if you're ashamed you can let it be in the past, move on and do better.

02-02-2023 4:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120191500#Comment_120191500

Did you sleep together on the second date also?

Traceyfinn00 · 02-02-2023 8:10pm

Yes we did

bottlebrush · 02-02-2023 8:43pm

You said in an earlier post that you were left feeling used. Well if you wanted to sleep with him because you fancied him, he didn't use you. The thing is, you had different expectations after that first date than he had. If he was as into you as you were into him, he would have made sure to have phone coverage and be on time. If it was the other way around, wouldnt you?.

I don't think it would have made any difference at all if you were drunk or not on the second date.

Ashamed

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