Must be the day that’s in it

ladygrace9 · 14-02-2023 10:18pm #1

Hey all. Some advice needed..

So as some may remember, I had a dilemma with a younger man (it didn’t go anywhere). I played the field a bit with some dates but nothing went anywhere. At the moment, I’m seeing a guy (my own age lol) for the last few weeks but it seems to be a slow burn and I’m not sure if he fancies me or even finds me attractive. He kisses me and that but It’s hard to tell with him. The dates are low key/not much effort and if there is, it’s low investment. (we do coffee, walks)… he seems like a nice guy and I like him but he keeps talking about himself and his life, doesn’t give me much of a chance to stick my own ore in and I’m not a quiet person at all but I have noticed the conversation isn’t a two way street and he doesn’t ask much about me or what I am looking for or probe me about my life. I have to often volunteer the information myself. And I do find myself orchestrating a lot of the dates as he wouldn’t come right out and ask me out. He skirts around it. He did tell me he hasn’t much experience and he hasn’t really been in relationships but that doesn’t excuse rudeness or not being enthusiastic. I wouldn’t of said I was a woman of the world of dating but I’m enthusiastic and treat people with respect. Tbh, the dating and continuous dead ends makes my ex look like a saint now but I know that’s just rose tinted glasses…he made me miserable. But still…I miss him at times.

Amended*: also in regards to dating and dead ends and the way my ex treated me, I’m starting to believe the problem is with me

Just looking for some advice in this post break up/newly single limbo I'm in. TIA

Goodigal · 14-02-2023 10:29pm

Awh he sounds incredibly nervous to me. He told you he hasn't much experience. That's not easy for a guy to admit. So he's unsure maybe of how things should go. He's talking about himself cos he is relieved to have someone nice to listen to him maybe?!

Tell him how you're feeling. That you're confused bout where it's all going. If you don't see it going anywhere, let him down gently. And find someone who makes you feel more excited bout meeting up!

ladygrace9 · 14-02-2023 10:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120241929#Comment_120241929

Yes well; he hasn’t had anything serious or anything that has lasted… which is fine and doesn’t bother me but as I said above, I Dont accept that as a get out clause in not putting effort in…

I just feel I’d rather know if someone is into me or not. Why drag something out if it’s not going anywhere? Why lead me on?

I like him and I was excited about him for the first few dates but now I find myself wondering “what about me? where’s his enthusiasm or excitement.for or about me? “

YellowLead · 14-02-2023 10:43pm

You are right to wonder if you re not feeling effort.

What you said was interesting - in terms of the problem being you. The problem is not YOU per se, but it could be how you approach things, it could be a lack of confidence. You are right to wonder about a lack of effort and to expect more. Sometimes we don’t assert ourselves because we fear scaring people off etc, and we go too far in the opposite direction and sail along with flakiness from the other party - but there is a difference to being clingy and being assertive/ conscious of our own needs.

It’s hard to know whether this guy being a bit meh because is inexperienced, or that’s just him - either way you should be happy and excited in these initial months not fearful and questioning - so somethings got to give.

Do not put those rose tinted glasses on!!!

Edit…this is literally only a few weeks old. So that changes things slightly but there still should be excitement and wanting to see each other. I am not sure what you mean by low effort dates exactly - maybe he is taking things slow or maybe he’s not flush with cash for dinners. Give it some more time and get to know him better, don’t be afraid to talk to him. If he’s low effort / not that interested you won’t be scaring a good thing away but at least you’ll know where you stand.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-02-2023 7:18am

How long have you been seeing him? And what is it you'd like a date to be? Coffee and walks sound perfect to be honest. Unless you're looking for big gestures. If you'd like to do something different why not suggest something different? Some people aren't great for coming up with ideas, but are happy to go along with something suggested and then find they really enjoy it. My husband being 1 such person and we're 20 years married.

If you're not feeling it with this fella it's ok to end it. Dating is a numbers game and you're not going to click with every fella you go on a date with. You're not going to click with the majority of people you meet. Nobody is perfect, and nobody will tick all the boxes. But, you will meet someone who you do click with, and you won't mind so much about the little things.

TheadoreT · 15-02-2023 7:42am

What stands out in your post to me is you seem to value being liked over actually liking someone or whats good for you. That sort of mindset will always lead to all sorts of problems.

This guy sounds more gormless than anything to me but it's pretty evident you're not feeling him and yet you're still wondering if he fancies you. The strong confident woman wouldnt care and would have dismissed him already and focused on herself/ finding someone more suitable.

You need an abundance mindset, not a scarcity one. The reality is there are endless amounts of single people out there, and if you focus on self improvement and being happy within yourself you'll eventually meet the right one, until then practice saying no to the wrong ones for the right reasons, and don't chase validation from people you don't care about for a shallow ego boost.

ladygrace9 · 15-02-2023 2:09pm

Thanks for the feedback above.

There just seems to be a lack of enthusiasm or excitement from his side and I don’t want to force something if it’s not there. I had enough of that with my ex and my confidence was knocked by that experience. I like a man to be interested, especially in the initial stages. But the 4 men I’ve dated in the last few weeks (3 have fallen off the radar) have done nothing but rudely talk and brag about themselves as if they are overselling themselves but it turns me off. I just want things to be calm and have a natural flow to the conversation and a natural chemistry with fun along the way - by the time it comes to my turn to talk or if there’s a pause in the conversation etc, I’m worn out from them talking about themselves.

I’m finding myself stumped lately at the amount of clueless men out there who act rude and then act as if I’m the problem. Tone deaf. It’s turned me off dating on the apps.

With this guy, it’s like I’ve to heavy lift and suggest meet ups / dates. Coffee and walks are grand. I know both sides have to suggest and show interest etc but He’s very slow to do it himself. And I don’t feel we spend enough time together on dates - he always seems to be due somewhere or running off or back somewhere which is disappointing because it’s as if he doesn’t want to spend time with me. In terms of chemistry it just seems to be hugs and kisses / hand holding. Nothing else yet.

Tork · 17-02-2023 12:01am

I'm not sure this guy is an awful lot better than the other ones you've encountered lately. It's hard to know if he just sees you as a pleasant diversion or if there are deeper issues going on with him. Even if he doesn't have much experience of dating, it doesn't explain his lack of interest or enthusiasm. He's at an age where he should've figured out that talking about oneself all the time is not an attractive trait. And if you're going on dates and he liked you, why isn't the conversation naturally flowing in both direction? As for those short dates, either you're not a priority or he's incapable of seeing that you might have a problem with them. Neither is good. It all sounds like too much hard work to me. I'm not sure dating somebody based on what you think they could be is a good move either. Maybe things will improve for you but by how much? Be careful not to fall into the trap of seeing him as a project.

ladygrace9 · 17-02-2023 6:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120251190#Comment_120251190

Thank you! Exactly Tork ! I wouldn’t be dating up a storm all the time but I know what manners and basic cop on is. Yes - both early 30s… so there really is no excuse. Yeah I’m trying not to view him as what he COULD but rather what or who he actually is. I fell in love with potential before and all I got was a headache and neglect. He doesn’t seem to keen to go to dinnner or out for a drink (I’m not a big drinker but like to go out) (he is a drinker and prefers to go with the lads it seems)… all short dates here and there. I was thinking maybe it’s just early days ? But now I’m wondering what the hell is the story here! I hate when people play others and keep them dangling. I feel like I’m on a hook here. Wondering.

Tork · 18-02-2023 8:53pm

In my experience, not knowing where you stand is a bad sign. It's hard to know what's going on with this guy but things shouldn't be this difficult. Hard and all as it is to open up these sorts of conversations, I think you're within your rights to say to him "I don't think this is working out". I think his reaction to that will tell you a lot.

ladygrace9 · 19-02-2023 9:05am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120259130#Comment_120259130

Yeah there’s no enthusiasm and excitement from him at all. I don’t like laziness or rudeness - after he talks nonsense about himself, I try to interject and talk about myself or something during the week and he couldn’t be less interested! Interrupting or looking around and not engaged….. it’s ridiculous behaviour. A few things I’ve suggested (low key btw) have been shot down and we only seem to meet when he’s free or suits him. He seems to be playing some sort of hard to get approach or long game but I’ve lost interest now.

I’m quite active and energetic - for some reason and I don’t know why I seem to attract low energy and/or rude men and they are in abundance on the apps. Usually they tell me they’re like this and that and interested in this and that before we meet ….but it’s never true. Also they always seem so interested at the start and then lose interest despite I’m the same person I was when they met me. Honestly, I do feel there are unrealistic expectations for women to be perfect when dating thanks to social media and I always find these guys are on the look out over the horizon for someone better or more attractive and I do feel like giving up on meeting someone altogether…. I have kept a brave face with dating and kept trying but they all have that in common unfortunately- constantly looking for some thing better - even my ex who was so in love with me was like this when we were in a relationship and it killed my confidence tbh. When I’m dating someone - I date them completely. I don’t look over their shoulder for something better - because I’ve chosen them. But the men I’ve dated - that’s their approach.

Sorry for being a downer but this is what I’ve been up against for the last 2 years. Boggles my mind that I am talking about men in their 30s who should know better and how to act appropriately.

YellowLead · 19-02-2023 10:10am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120260239#Comment_120260239

That sounds ridiculous, he’s clearly not interested or is quite lazy. Don’t wait for him to dump you, take action now.

It’s hard not to feel disheartened when you keep meeting men like this. I’m frustrated right now also. I meet really great guys, but they don’t want a relationship from me. But the only way is to keep on dating and one good one will come around at some point :)

Would you date men in their 40s too, expand the age range a little?

You don’t have pictures on your profile that are a miss representation or anything do you?

ladygrace9 · 19-02-2023 10:21am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120260407#Comment_120260407

Well I can tell you one thing, these guys I have dated are far from perfect and I’m not looking for perfection but I am looking for decency. They are acting and treating me as if they are superior yet they are no better than me but have unrealistic expectations. For some reason, I keep meeting narcissists.

I was in a relationship where I was constantly treated and reminded there was better out there and I was actually told people were replaceable.

no I don’t believe I do have pictures that are a misrepresentation. Clear pictures. Nothing filtered. I am clothed in them and have both face and full length.

I suppose lack of travel and bikini photos don’t do me any favours I guess?

TheadoreT · 19-02-2023 12:59pm

OP narcissism is an extremely rare condition. There's absolutely zero chance you're meeting *lots* of them. It's probably a slim chance you even dated one.

You're confusing this with people that just aren't that into you, and for some reason you're hanging around hoping they'll change, despite noticing all the signs.

Your fear of rejection/need to be liked seems to be overriding any sense of objective judgement about these men you're dating.

A genuine connection is really rare. It's fine if they're not mad about you, most won't be, and visa versa, it's what makes it so special when you do find someone that feels right.

Until then, try to chill out and not spiral out of control over guys you know aren't even your type, due to your excessive need to be liked.

ladygrace9 · 19-02-2023 7:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120260898#Comment_120260898

I dunno about that T. I’ve definitely come across 2 with narcissist tendencies. But yes, I see signs that maybe they aren’t into me or they don’t find me sexy etc but I don’t know if I’m reading into it or not. I guess I see hints or sense vibes and I continue on to give them a chance. For example, one guy I really liked already seemed to have his mind made up it wasn’t gonna work relationship wise (without getting to know me properly) but he wanted just sex and his efforts dropped dramatically. I still went along with his advances/suggestion of a “spin” at night. I knew what he was up to but still went out for the spin thinking maybe he just wants to go for a walk but it was what I thought and turned down the advances. Never heard from him again. And I was left embarrassed.

So yes, I do tend to ignore obvious signs and go along hoping it’s not heading to doomsville. I ignore my gut. Sometimes I don’t know what is and what isn’t. They all seem to tell me they are into me and this and that but their actions say otherwise….. so they all are the same?

YellowLead · 19-02-2023 7:54pm

I think you should trust your gut and cut them off earlier.

As to how to meet genuine ones, it beats me so I can’t help on that one :) Maybe consider is there a particular type you go for, and try and date outside that. Think outside the box.

TheadoreT · 19-02-2023 9:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120262400#Comment_120262400

Write down a list of characteristics you'd ideally want in a partner. It doesn't have to be crazy unrealistic and nobody will tick every box, just expectations you'd have for a healthy relationship. Its sexy when someone knows what they want and doesn't settle for mediocrity.

My personal preferences for a woman would be something like:

Funny/witty

Chilled confidence

Integrity

Spontaneous

Get up and go

Non party animal

Active

Not overly cynical/beaten up by life

Appreciates small things

When you know what you want you hone in on those type of people far easier and filter out the ones you'd be wasting time on. I think this is particularly important for you as you're getting into situationships with men miles from your ideal and hoping they'll change.

Read your list before meeting someone new and if they're not close to your expectations after a date or two, move on and forget about them.

20-02-2023 9:43am

OP you seem to know who you are and what you want but cant expect that from other people, you can however find it in the right person. If someone isnt giving you the impression they are into you or arent interested in what you want then move on. Stop trying to make them something they arent. This will get you no-where.

Also stop comparing everything to past relationships. They didnt work for a reason, learn from them and move on. If dating is wearing on you this much then take a break from it. Spend some time on yourself, go solo travelling, take a course and learn to get what you need from yourself. Once you have this finding the right partner comes a lot easier.

Must be the day that’s in it

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