As heartbroken as one could possibly be........

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 12:54am #1

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Purple Mountain · 02-03-2023 1:07am

The paternity test isn't your decision to make. That's up to your partner and the woman.

So you either have to accept that he doesn't want to know now but may or may not in the future and decide if you can live with either outcome.

It is not your place to make him face up to his potential paternity. Only he can decide that.

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 1:12am

Surely it's ok to want to know before I try to get pregnant though no? It would then be my childs sibling :/

emo72 · 02-03-2023 1:22am

She doesn't want him to be part of her or the childs life. I'd get on with your life. You've no way of controlling what happens in the future. Make your own plans and enjoy your life. Don't be worrying about other people.

emo72 · 02-03-2023 1:33am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120304013#Comment_120304013

Well, you can want to know, but it's not your choice. I think it's a small blessing that she isn't interfering with you or your partner, wants to be left alone to live her life. Really, you should do the same. Have your own children, live your own life. It's only a problem if you let it be.

marilynrr · 02-03-2023 1:36am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120304013#Comment_120304013

You'd be mad to try to get pregnant right now, there's a high chance this other baby is his and he knows that but he doesn't seem to be that bothered about finding out.

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 2:53am

He was bothered about finding out but she has him convinced its not his now and I guess he has accepted that :(

I'm pretty positive about my theory though......that its his child and she for some reason does not want him to know.......

Stressed about what her long term plan is though.......is she gone for good?

TheadoreT · 02-03-2023 7:13am

Of the 3 parties you seem most intent on the "truth" when it's really not your place. Her request for you to leave her alone regardless seems very understandable. You're way too involved and deeply deeply insecure about all of this and that must be pretty unsettling for her. She'll have enough stresses in her life right now without all this.

You're looking to "beat" her by having more kids with him which is truly bizarre. She's a random younger woman he had sex with when you weren't together. Why have you turned this into some baffling competition? She clearly wants no part in your lives.

A good question to ask yourself in such situations is "what if you're wrong"?. And then what would it say about you if you were wrong?

Please leave this poor woman alone, don't push her for a further test and go and seek help for your own issues.

airy fairy · 02-03-2023 9:38am

The other woman has made it clear, whether it's a true test or not, that your partner is not the father. Sounds like she has repeatedly said this and wants nothing more to do with your partner.

Step away from it now. It's not your business. If she wants to come back in years to come with child on tow saying it's his, then so be it. It shouldn't matter, if by then, you've another 3 kids with this man. If your relationship is secure, then they will deal with the other child if it ever came about.

Worry about your own situation now. How committed is he to you? Is he desperate for a child that he can call his? I think this is what you need to examine. Are you secure in the knowledge that this man will stick with you in the event you cannot convieve a child between you? I think you need to discuss this and this alone with him. Forget about the other woman and child, for now, that's parked. If that ever comes about again, it's not your business anyway.

You seem frightfully insecure. You need to be having conversations of the future, not the past.

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 10:20am

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lawred2 · 02-03-2023 10:24am

Jesus you should be running hard and fast for the hills

Squatman · 02-03-2023 10:36am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120304418#Comment_120304418

can you think of a time when having a baby helps resolve a relationship like this? do you think that this would be an appropriate environment for a child? you start off being unsure of ever having a baby, and then within a paragraph or two, move to talking about having multiple kids that you always wanted. If you think this is what you deserve in life then go for it. Remember back to when you were a child, did you dream of having a very unstable relationship with a recovering addict- is that the limit of your ambitions? The world is a very big place, this is the ideal time for you to go and experience it.

you mention t's like the future I planned for myself has died - is it really the future you planned, or was it the future you were being dealt?

Glaceon · 02-03-2023 10:38am

As hard as it may sound, I agree with @lawred2 here, even putting aside the other woman and her child. You should look into why exactly this relationship has been so on and off for so long. I know you mentioned his addiction issues; has he had help to overcome this and is it likely to be a problem going forward? Don't have a child with this man in the hope that it makes the relationship more stable as it very possibly will not. It sounds like he's the one pushing it anyway.

Put yourself first. Get help if you need to, there's really no shame in it.

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 10:42am

The man I’m talking about has finally gotten his **** together and is off drugs and has turned his life around more then I ever could have anticipated he would. I’ve wanted a baby for a long time and considering how well he has done this past year I would be thinking now is the perfect time to finally start a family together except that I’m pretty confident he already has a child so now I’m not only wanting a family to compete with the other woman. I wanted a family with him already and if a real DNA test proved he wasn’t the father I would be over the moon. I’m right free DNA testing does not exist in Ireland? So her results are clearly fake and if she has nothing to hide why wouldn’t she let him pay for a test when he offered?

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 10:44am

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Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 10:47am

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Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 10:47am

Thanks for the responses though 💔

Neyite · 02-03-2023 11:14am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120304509#Comment_120304509

On the off chance that you are just being overly dramatic in your post and you are nowhere near ending your life, then you've two choices: stay and get ahead of your feelings on this or leave and find someone that you know hasn't fathered a child and start a family with him. You DO have choices, but the solution you want - where you want a living human to be unrelated to the man you are with is not something you can change. So focus on what you CAN change.

If this is making you genuinely suicidal then you need to seek professional help that's way beyond what an internet forum can provide for you.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-03-2023 11:28am

My husband had a daughter when I met him. He wasn't with her mother. They never lived together. They were never a "family". We have 4 children together and my children or our life together aren't less just because he already had a child.

You are assuming an awful lot. You are assuming her due date (unless she told you specifically). Birth date could be anytime before and up to 2 weeks after due date. Pregnancy is considered 40 weeks. But that's 40 weeks from the date of the woman's last period. Not from the date of sex. So you counting back and thinking the dates coincide could be way off. Maybe she said the test was free because she didn't want to take any money off your bf. Maybe she just wants absolutely nothing to do with him.

Also, I assume you are adults. As adults 8 years isn't much. So worrying that he's going to run off with a "much younger woman" is a fruitless exercise. In a few years she's going to be the same age as you are now. Will you still consider her a young woman then? If so then you are a young woman now!

Hard as it might be, none of this is any of your business. You have no right to demand anything from this woman. She wants nothing to do with your partner, and she certainly doesn't want to be dealing with his on/off girlfriend.

You need to decide if you can accept the situation for what it is and move on together. Or if you can't accept it and you simply move on. Have you ever been to counselling? You've been in a turbulent relationship with an addict for 10 years. That is going to take its toll and you are not going to emerge from that unharmed. You need to get yourself some emotional and mental health support. Then you will be in a better place to make decisions based on what is actually right for you, rather than "winning" or proving a point to someone who has zero interest in your life. This woman doesn't care if you ever/never have children. It's nothing to do with her. She won't be responsible for their upbringing. They won't be financially, emotionally, physically dependent on her. You need to get your head clear and make decisions for yourself without bringing other irrelevant factors in.

SAMTALK · 02-03-2023 11:37am

Maybe ask yourself why she doesnt want him involved in the childs life if the child is his ?

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 11:54am

Because she doesn’t want her kid playing happy families with me? Also my partner doesn’t want to be with her……so maybe she wants a fresh start without any baby daddy

SAMTALK · 02-03-2023 12:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120304780#Comment_120304780

I don't imagine she would forego maintenance just because she doesn't want to play happy families with you.

Maybe the issue isn't with her but with your partner. Why were ye on and off over the years?

You need to forget about her and her decisions, it's not up to you . Sort out your relationship and if you want children or not

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 12:18pm

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Big Bag of Chips · 02-03-2023 12:44pm

Maybe she did... You simply don't know. And regardless of whether the baby is his or not, it's irrelevant to you. She wants nothing from him. She wants nothing from you.

You seem to see babies as some 'weapon'. You think this woman is lying about paternity of her baby, missing out on maintenance to which her baby is fully entitled, all because she doesn't want her baby in your company? Maybe that's true, but maybe it's absolutely nothing to do with you at all. Then you want to have multiple children just to "beat" her? Children aren't a commodity. They're not objects to be used in some imagined battle with an ex. They are living, breathing, dependent humans. They are babies for a very very brief time in their lives. They quickly turn into expensive, dependent teenagers and sometimes dependent adults. I have 4 children and we pay the equivalent of a mortgage every month on various activities and expenses. Not to mention navigating difficult emotional mental health situations that comes with having teenagers in this society.

Unless you cut out the immature "competition" with this woman then I would really question how suitable you and your partner are to the long haul that is parenthood. It's not easy, and it gets more difficult. You need to focus on you. Only you. Not this woman. Not "beating" her in some imagined contest. She wants nothing to do with you or your partner. Back off and leave her alone or you might find her contacting the Gardaí and reporting harassment.

Get yourself to your GP and counseling before you seriously consider getting pregnant. You really don't sound like you're ready yet. You did the right thing by not getting pregnant in the last 10 years with this fella. Maybe hold off another few until you're both in a more stable frame of mind.

02-03-2023 12:52pm

I feel like you're assuming a lot. How old is the kid now? Either the kid isn't his and that's a win or it is and she wants nothing to do with him and that's a massive red flag. Shes 8 years younger than you so that's 25 now so depending on how old the kid is she was very young having a baby and i cant imagine her giving up maintenance and help just to annoy you.

Is this really the environment you want to bring a child into. Its fantastic hes doing well and off drugs this past year but a year is no time to be in recovery and planning something as big as a family. On top of this, you're 33 you still have loads of time

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 1:05pm

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airy fairy · 02-03-2023 1:15pm

Why does it bother you so much? If the woman wants nothing, and says she wants nothing to do with your partner, she says the child isn't his, then what do you want? Force a paternity test?

You've said your partner has moved on, why can't you?

Tbh, there's no way you should be having a baby in this frame of mind while she circles inside your head.

SAMTALK · 02-03-2023 1:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120305083#Comment_120305083

And again why do you think she doesn't want him involved ?

Faith · 02-03-2023 1:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120305138#Comment_120305138

This is the biggest red flag for me. If the child is his, she's going to a lot of effort to deny it and keep him away from the child. This woman is 10 years younger than your partner. Let's assume she's 25 - you said the child is 18 months old, plus 10 months of pregnancy. So she was about 22 when he slept with her? She was very young and I'd really have to wonder what her view on the whole thing is.

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 1:32pm

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Big Bag of Chips · 02-03-2023 1:33pm

Maintenance is not linked to access in any way. She can apply for maintenance from a father who never lays eyes on his child.

He has let it go. She doesn't want anything from him. You cannot know for certain that he's the father of her baby. If he doesn't want to pursue it, and she isn't pursuing him then just move on.

As mentioned above you do have choices here. You do have options. If being the mother of his first child is so important to you, and you seem pretty certain that you're not, then your options are walk away, or accept it.

But I will say it again and can't stress it enough, you need to talk to someone not connected with this situation. Because you are not in the frame of mind right now to make rational decisions.

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 1:35pm

I know and I will :( thanks

covidcustomer · 02-03-2023 1:53pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058286499/as-heartbroken-as-one-could-possibly-be

Being totally honest......

It seems to me that there are two relationships going on here, you say that he sleeps with the same woman during your "off" periods and I wonder is that the case?

Maybe she doesn't want him to be the father of the child for the same reasons you didn't want to start a family with him, unstable, addiction issues and in an on/off relationship with you?

You say you can get over him sleeping with this woman, but when he's doing it repeatedly...... If it walks and talks like a duck...

10 years is a long time to invest in a relationship and for it to come to this "drama"?

You seem to be the only one hurting and maybe it's time to cut your losses because you've gone down a rabbit hole concerning this other woman and a child that maybe/maybe not his.

If you are going to stay in that relationship then you need the truth and that involves a professional DNA test.

If that child is his then like it or not, that is a tie to this other woman for the foreseeable - in the past he has slept with this woman, what's to say he won't do it again?

Either way, you are in the middle of a drama that you didn't create and do you want that going forward?

Wishing you all the best, only you know what to do in the end, all the advice in the world can't make a decision for you.

covidcustomer · 02-03-2023 1:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120305083#Comment_120305083

Access and maintenance are two different things, paying maintenance does not guarantee access.

Purple Mountain · 02-03-2023 2:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120304102#Comment_120304102

Nope, if he really wanted to know, he would go down the legal route of ensuring he got his answer.

She has made it easy for him.

airy fairy · 02-03-2023 2:08pm

All the drama aside, if you love the man, and you can now trust the man, and he is fully committed to staying clean/sober, having a child shouldn't depend on him being a biological father to a different child, be it a one night stand, past relationship or whatever.

There are many many blended families with mixed biological parents living in loving homes. I cannot fathom why you are hung up on your partner determining if he is truly the dad or not.

happyoutscan · 02-03-2023 3:43pm

If you were my sister I'd be saying to move on from him.

You'll never be happy with this relationship.

xyz13 · 02-03-2023 4:07pm

He is so devoted he has been on/off for 10yrs and there's no ring in sight. 🙈

A young woman made a big mistake earlier into her adult life, but she seems to have her priorities sorted [unlike some people 8/10yrs her senior].

Leave them alone OP!

Hannibal_Smith · 02-03-2023 4:20pm

Unless he has an enormous amount of information on her, he can't pinpoint the pregnancy to the night of the condom break and you're not going to have that information with someone you've slept with the odd time. Also he cant know her all that well because she was seemingly with someone else while she was with him. How does he know she wasn't using other forms of birth control herself?

It seems to me like an unusual scenario. Like, you have an awful lot of information on their time(s) together. Did your boyfriend offer this up? How do you know the girl he slept with? Did he tell you who she was? When you broke up, did you break up with him?

The reason I'm asking is that I'm wondering whether the boyfriend is giving you this information to feed into your insecurities? Is he telling you he slept with a girl 8 years younger to show you he can get another woman, a younger one, so you'll think if you break up with him it'll be your loss? He's been after you to have children and you've said no...all of a sudden there's a possibility he's had a child with someone else and now having a child with him is front and foremost in your mind. That all might be a bit of a stretch, but there's something about you having so much information that is a bit unusual.

The girl wants the two of you out of her life. Respect that. Stop contacting her. Your issue is between you and your boyfriend and the very topsy-turvy relationship between you both. Having a baby together now would be the worst idea. You need to talk to someone openly and honestly and get an objective take on your relationship. That's where I'd start if I was you.

CrookedJack · 02-03-2023 4:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120305083#Comment_120305083

I can't think of many mothers who would deny a good responsible man paternity to his child and instead opt to be a single mother, simply to avoid having a break from the child once a fortnight.

On the other hand, a mother who doesn't want a man with addiction problems who has only sorted himself out recently at the age of 34 seems very sensible. It would be irresponsible to let someone like that into a child's life. You know this because you spent years not having his children.

To be honest you seem to be viewing having children in a completely selfish way. Your biological clock is ticking so you'll give your kids a dad who, by your own words, is unstable and has addiction issues. You don't like the idea of your child not being his first born so you're disrupting three other people's lives to try, what, prove yourself right?

oldfriend213sf · 02-03-2023 4:25pm

Just a few observations from an internet stranger OP.

You don't seem happy. And I think you're not happy because you don't know yourself and your needs, what you want, what you don't want out of life. What you deserve.

And I think that because I lived in the world like that once. I spent time with partners that were making me feel terrible about myself, making me feel worry and dread for my future, made me feel like I had no other option but them and therefore they held all the power. Toxic relationships where my needs were never met but that was a familiar feeling for me - I never felt like a priority in my life, even as a kid. I didn't learn what "healthy" or "nurtured" was. So I found these men because they kept me in that old familiar loop.

On the face of it, there are some big red flags here and you don't seem at all happy. You're together 10 years and you are still not clear on the vision of your life together. The "on and off" bit, those types of relationships don't tend to spell success and happiness in the long-term, they just speak of constant unresolved issues that are ignored because you can't seem to walk away from someone. And the paternity question, which will never be resolved by the sounds of things. I don't see the issue with a man having a child with someone else, but the circumstances are just all off. It happened when you were in an "off" period of your relationship, you seem to feel competitive with her but probably deep down insecure about your own relationship (who wouldn't when it's 10 years on and off) and so are projecting onto her.

I think the only person you're at war with is yourself, OP. The heartbreak comes from knowing what is right, instinctively, but letting the pressure of your age and this sunken cost fallacy of investing 10 years into the wrong person that you don't feel like you can walk away from. What would you do if you weren't 33 and were 20 instead? What would you do if you loved and valued yourself? What would you advise your best friend to do in this situation?

I'll tell you what I did. I walked away and changed a lot of my life circumstances. The pain of staying the same outgrew the fear of change. I had to be OK with potentially not having children, potentially not meeting someone else, so many unknowns. But I knew I deserved more and that act alone of putting myself first and following my instinct changed so much for me.

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 4:26pm

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SAMTALK · 02-03-2023 4:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306063#Comment_120306063

Both more stable and not so on and off anymore !

IMO you are both miles off bringing children into this world

airy fairy · 02-03-2023 4:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306063#Comment_120306063

Not so on and off anymore??

What do you mean by that?

02-03-2023 5:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306063#Comment_120306063

Not so on and off and everything's been OK! OP you absolutely cannot have kids with this man, not until everything is great and its very stable at least. From the sounds of it, thats not going to happen, its taken 10 years to get to ok.

The fact he would have had kids while in the throws of addiction and being unstable shows he has no idea of what a responsibility being a parent is. You need to take many steps back and start to look at this situation from a fresh perspective. If getting yourself into such a state that believing a kid that he and the kids mother says isnt his makes you feel as heartbroken as someone could possibly be then you need a little time to work on yourself.

SAMTALK · 02-03-2023 5:04pm

The childs mother seems to be more mature and sensible that the both of you put together

Hannibal_Smith · 02-03-2023 5:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306063#Comment_120306063

The relationship was toxic and you left for the sake of your own sanity. Yet you are heartbroken that he may have had a child with another woman and are looking up pregnancy calculators and looking into her due date and delivery date.

Is the advice you're looking for whether you should have a child with him or not? Because I think you've received excellent advice from posters here. Take a bit of time and read over them and be honest with yourself about where you're at and why you're ready to have kids. Because I'd wonder is it only because you think this other girl could have more of a higher status than you in his mind if she has his child?

ahappychappy · 02-03-2023 5:29pm

OP you need to draw a line and move on. You mention a past extending over ten years, on-off, addiction and toxic issues. Any one of these issues would be a red flag there are several. My reading of this is that the 25 year old has the measure of him and is keeping her child away from possible heartbreak. My reading is he hasn't had his addiction under control for a very long time - less than a year? That is no time at all and you want to add a child into this mix - a major stress? I appreciate you have given a lot of time to this relationship but please do not think a baby is a healthy step now. This isnt going to improve in fact it has the markers of the issues recurring over and over.

You deserve a non toxic relationship with the prospect of parenthood without the challenges of addiction management and possible relapse - statistics aren't great in people beating addiction.

Squatman · 02-03-2023 5:29pm

The more i read the OPs responses the more im convinced she just wants to be told, yes, allowing an addict whose not commited to you will definitely solidify your relationship. Should have done it years ago.

OP, and Genuinely, your a young, single childfree woman. and you have 10 years ahead where you can have children (yes it gets more complicated over 40, but you can do tests these days). There are plenty of people who would only love the opportunity to have kids with you, and people who are capable of providing for you /your family, if you indeed do genuinely feel like you want to have kids, and not to save a relationship. Go an live your own life, leave this two timing in your past.

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 5:41pm

Deletd

Chillybilly342 · 02-03-2023 5:42pm

Deleted

As heartbroken as one could possibly be........

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