Dry patch how to talk to partner

howyaben · 02-03-2023 2:15pm #1

Well where to begin myself and my girlfriend of 8 years both 30 no kids haven't had sex in months. I can never talk about sex as she never was one to talk about stuff like that, I tried to get some spark back booking weekends away and that but nothing happened she just falls asleep I have gotten tired of trying she never trys to make a move always me . She's still acts the same around me acts like nothing is wrong but what's the point being with someone even if you love them if there is no sex Feels like we are just stuck doing the same thing each day. She always wants to watch something while in bed then falls asleep.

I know she has body issues but I'm always saying there is nothing wrong with her body she isn't even on the big side she just has this in her head . she still doesn't like getting changed in front of me after all the years we have been together.

So my question is How can I to talk to her about this without her feeling like its her fault I think we are both to blame and just stuck .

Sleepy · 02-03-2023 2:21pm

Get out while you still can tbh. If she's quite content not to have a sex life, it's not going to get any better with age.

Dial Hard · 02-03-2023 3:34pm

I wouldn't be walking away without at least having a conversation with the woman but tend to agree with Sleepy that these things only tend to go one way.

Tbh, I find it really strange that you can't talk about this and she doesn't even like getting changed in front of you. That suggests pretty deep rooted issues to me. Hand on heart, was your sex life ever good? Did you ever talk about what turned you both on? Tell eachother how hot you found eachother? Or was sex always a bit "lights off, in silence"?

howyaben · 02-03-2023 4:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120305800#Comment_120305800

Yes our sex life was great it was never just lights off in silence I just think we have got into a routine like alot of relationships we are obviously not in the honey moon phase at the start if a relationship. We have been through alot together good and bad I feel the next step is engagement but only if we can get past this . I know sex isn't the main thing but it's still what makes you a couple

Dial Hard · 02-03-2023 4:41pm

Well then just talk to her. If you can't talk to her about this how are you going to talk to her about any of the other shìt life is likely to throw at you as a couple if you get married, have kids etc??? You need to sort this out before you even dream of getting engaged.

CrookedJack · 02-03-2023 4:41pm

You really need to talk to her. There can be many reasons, medical or emotional/psychological, that can cause a loss of libido. Many of them can absolutely be improved. Couples counselling and a visit to the GP are what i'd be pushing for.

But before all that happens, you need to talk to her!

In this conversation you need to explain to her, in a non-judgmental way, that this is not just her issue, it's yours also. That you share the relationship, you share the troubles and will share the solutions. That you are there to support her, not just because you're sexually frustrated but because you want the relationship to maintain its passion and intimacy.

Tell me how · 02-03-2023 4:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058286548/dry-patch-how-to-talk-to-partner

she isn't even on the big side

I may be a bit pedantic here but if you use terms like this you might be missing some of the subtle ways in which someone might feel insecure about their body. You saying this might (I'm saying might here) indicate to her that were she to gain weight, you would view her differently. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're the problem, just as soon as I read your post, it stuck out to me. Lots of people who struggle with how they feel about their body do so despite everyone else telling them they are fine or normal or whatever.

That aside, some people have different requirements when it comes to intimacy. A straight conversation from the perspective of finding out first how she feels about things and explaining where you are at would be a good place to start. And maybe do it outside of a situation where she feels pressured to respond immediately such as on a weekend away, or a night out.

Ye may end up going different ways, but it's mature to try to explore it together before just throwing the towel in. If ye have different needs when it comes to intimacy, try to make sure she doesn't feel it's her fault. It isn't really, it just is what it is.

Thelonious Monk · 02-03-2023 4:51pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306116#Comment_120306116

I think people overplay this medical/psychological thing when it comes to this issue. After a long time with another person, it's quite common for at least one of you not to want to f**k the other one any more, the chemistry is completely gone and you live like friends or siblings. If they split up and she met someone new eventually, she'd be banging him till the cows come home like what happens at the start of every relationship, I'm pretty sure there'd be no medical issues then.

I don't really know the answer here OP as I have lost interest in sex with partners in the past, but it never went as far as not having it for months. It just spelled the end of the relationships as everything sexual was just gone on my part.

ahappychappy · 02-03-2023 5:36pm

If you can not talk openly together - then the relationship is missing a key factor - communication!. Whether there are medical issues or not the fact she hasn't said - look I am not feeling like sex but I am going to the doctor - or whatever then fine but really how good is a relationship if you cant talk openly. You are young without the challenge of kids I would not be getting engaged.

mykrodot · 02-03-2023 5:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306143#Comment_120306143

there's different requirements.............and there's not having sex for months! That is simply not healthy for a couple aged 30. Its got nothing to do with "requirements" One has stopped fancying the other, or at least stopped fancying sex. Simple.

Also the issue of how she sees her body is more her issue than the OPs, he clearly still fancies her. You say "despite what everyone else tells them they can still struggle with how they feel about their weight" So this is hardly the problem of the OP? He sounds mad about her. She owes it to him to open up and talk to him about the lack of intimacy. It spells the end for most relationships

02-03-2023 6:19pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058286548/dry-patch-how-to-talk-to-partner

There are threads of people who stuck through this, got married and nothing changed. Now stuck in sexless marriage and feeling abandoned and unloved. Worse when they have kids from one of the random times they did do it, so are hanging around just for them.

Life is too short for that. Talk to her and tell her that she needs to figure out what is up; be it through talking with you, the GP, or a counsellor.

If she refuses or things stay the same afterwards, I would be making plans for an exit

Augme · 02-03-2023 7:29pm

If she won't engage with you in this issue then that is a major red flag. Also, to be blunt, if she doesn't see this as a major issue that is an even bigger red flag.

If I had a €1 for every thread I've read in this forum that goes along of the lines of partner in sexless marriage and trying to fix it while also admitting that it was the exact same before marriage and they hoped marriage would change things I'd be a millionaire. Don't be a mug and end up in that situation.

Lots of people will tell you to talk to her and counselling, GP's are the way to go etc but I would think long and hard about that as well. There's a reaso Ln you've reached the point of a sexless relationship at 30 and a reason she's happy, or at least she content with this lifestyle. Now, you sitting her down and having a talk with her might well get her to change her ways, but how long for? The fear of her being single at her age can be a great motivator for her to become a new fond sex kitten, but fear of an alternative isn't a solid foundation for a great sex life.

osarusan · 02-03-2023 7:43pm

If the dry patch is something she also sees as a problem and wants to resolve - there's plenty of hope.

If she's just content to go along without sex, you're in trouble.

TheadoreT · 02-03-2023 8:27pm

You're very relationship focused, that's more a feminine trait so it's no wonder the attraction has fallen over the years as there's no polarity there.

Put that effort into your career and personal improvement re fitness and health. You're concerned about fixing her but should be about getting back to the man she was turned on by initially.

Do you still date her? People get comfortable in relationships and stop making the effort to go out and have fun once or twice a week. Take control of these things and don't be indecisive. Couples of play together, stay together.

The truth is, If a woman is truly in love with you they'll usually want your attention 24/7 and want more sex than you can even handle. You've messed up along the way to get to the point where you are now, take personal accountability about where you've got to, and how to fix it.

Furze99 · 02-03-2023 9:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306871#Comment_120306871

What's this narcissism about? I suppose if you want to go about scoring as many birds as you can, it's way to go.

But this poster is in a relationship and trying to make it work. They just want to have a bit of intimacy on a reasonably regular basis. To OP, definitely talk and sort it out - sex doesn't have to be at the drop of a hat. It can be functional and even mutually agreed on a certain day or night every week or whenever, it just needs to happen for most couples to last.

bucketybuck · 02-03-2023 9:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058286548/dry-patch-how-to-talk-to-partner

How to talk to her?

You sit down in front of her and say "We don't have sex any more, its a problem and we need to talk honestly about it".

Anything else is just dancing around the issue and going nowhere.

One thing to add, depending on her response it may well end up in a situation where she feels its her fault. Absolutely it might. But you need to do it anyway, because letting this linger on until it becomes poisonous is worse than her feeling bad for a while.

YellowLead · 02-03-2023 9:32pm

No sex life, one person hiding while getting changed and the other who can’t talk about a really important topic - definitely not the hallmarks of a couple who should be heading for engagement at all.

As another poster said, if she is concerned about the lack of sex then you can both work on it, if she is happy out with no sex and refuses to even talk about it, then breaking up is the only option unless you want a lifetime of heartache. Such a common thread to see here is somebody married with a few kids telling us how the lack of sex life was there before marriage, but he thought it would magically get better but of course it didn’t and now they are entangled.

Have the talk and then depending on how that goes take things one step at a time. Good luck!

whiteframe · 02-03-2023 11:09pm

This is the story of lots of couples. The reality is that it rarely gets better with time, especially if there is no willingness to have a serious discussion about it. You can live with it (getting worse), or you can get out while you can. That said, what is to say you won't be in the same situation with your next partner after 8 years (the only thing is that the experience of this means you would tackle such a situation earlier).

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306871#Comment_120306871

Being very realistic, putting effort into career is hardly going to do anything to improve sex life in a long-term relationship.

02-03-2023 11:12pm

Jeez I talk about sex with any partner, I never just talk about it but do it, or try it, or whatever. Now sexual problems are not a problem as long as they are discussed or accommodated within a discussion.

dockysher · 03-03-2023 1:35am

The reality is couples in long term relationships is there going to have less sex, thats the reality no matter how much communication etc on the matter.

Single people getting older have even less sex by a lot even though you might think if you were single you be getting it whenevr you want. I have numerous single friends in 30s gone years without sex. But they will always say the single life is best.

I am just stating facts, long-term relationships become so natural nd friends and life more things take over importance.

I am not saying sex is not an essnetial part of a relationship cause it is, but to expect same after few months and then few years plus is not going happen.

JoChervil · 03-03-2023 5:15am

I know she has body issues but I'm always saying there is nothing wrong with her body...

You are a fixer, so you are killing your relationship with this attitude. She is unhappy about her look and she wants to share how she feels about it. So you instead of letting her to fully feel it, express it and have sympathy for it and cheer her up, you just say that her feelings are invalid, what pisses the unhappy person even more. She needs hugs, closeness, acceptance of her imperfect body, not lies, not fixing. She is an adult and can fix herself. She needs compassionate ear, nothing more.

We need relationships to share our deepest feelings, our vulnerabilities and find understanding and acceptance for them. So the rest will follow. When we block others, when they want to be heard, we block everything, which follows next. Lack of sex just shows an emotional unresolved problems in a relationship. When emotions flow, sex flows as well.

She at least tried to make you aware of her insecurities, while you don't want to show your vulnerabilities. You need sex. Sorry but I don't buy that you don't talk about it because "she never was one to talk about stuff like that". Were you? It is an easy excuse to avoid talking and putting blame on a partner.

I suspect that your relationship also lacks tender touches, hugs, and kisses. These build intimacy. When you are able to be close for some times in that way without it leading to sex, sex then happens naturally as a consequence of this closeness.

I doubt you both will miraculously start talking in a way getting results, that means opening each other instead of blocking each other. You need someone to teach you how to do it or mediate between you two. I would seek professional help.

TheadoreT · 03-03-2023 8:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120307539#Comment_120307539

Thats why most people end up in stale relationships and come here to complain it. Very few men know how to maintain attraction long term. Being ambitious and pursuing your purpose fearlessly is a massive turn on to most women. It needs to be your first priority. It's not even about money but the associated qualities like drive and confidence and her not being able to fully have her way with you.

JoChervil · 03-03-2023 1:01pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120308129#Comment_120308129

The problem is that it is a short term strategy. It helps pull out girls (frankly it sounds like from manual for it), mainly neurotics but without real energy flow between partners it will die anyway...

whiteframe · 03-03-2023 1:21pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120308129#Comment_120308129

I think that’s rubbish. You can have the best career in the world and a rubbish sex life with your long-term partner.

Caranica · 03-03-2023 1:42pm

OP, please just talk to her. It might be awkward or uncomfortable but the sooner you have the conversation the easier it will be in the long term.

TheadoreT · 03-03-2023 3:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120309020#Comment_120309020

It's one part of many aspects you pulled from the original post. And as I said there's a reason so many end up in these dead end relationships. People don't understand how attraction works.

The OP is focusing on fixing his partner which is absolutely terrible way forward.

There's probably a million things he could fix about himself first to increase her attraction. And when she's in love she'll naturally want to improve herself too to keep him interested.

Hannibal_Smith · 03-03-2023 4:15pm

OP, you're right to address the issue with your partner. And like you say, addressing it in a way where there's no blame attributed is the best way forward. All you're trying to do is resolve the issue between you both. It's not going to be fixed any other way.

Going to the gym, improving your job opportunities is not a solution. You're in a mature adult relationship and talking about it is possible. My husband and I have been together decades. Our work lives have both changed, our sizes certainly have. But that spark is still there between us. There were times where life bogged us down alright but if he started going to the gym and looking up college courses to improve his job opportunities it would never cross my mind that it was part of a charm offensive directed at me! So there is no one for all formula that all women are looking for.

Thelonious Monk · 03-03-2023 5:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120308129#Comment_120308129

you really do post some awful nonsense in this forum

sugarman20 · 03-03-2023 6:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120310079#Comment_120310079

It's straight out of the Andrew Tate handbook.

raclle · 03-03-2023 6:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120308044#Comment_120308044

This post here is on the right path. Your partner is insecure with her body to the extent she doesn't change in front of you which screams at some deep rooted personal issues. I'd be seeking professional help also.

TheadoreT · 03-03-2023 7:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120310293#Comment_120310293

You seem more familiar with him than I am.

Not sure how promoting a healthy and hard working lifestyle to reap healthy benefits is all that radical tbh. But i know a lot of people put barriers in front of their own happiness and then complain when they don't have the sex lives they'd like.

The sedentary lifestyle the OP talks about with them sitting in watching TV every night is never going keep a spark in a relationship long term, they're both just existing unhappily right now.

Dry patch how to talk to partner

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