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womaningreen · 02-03-2023 9:39am #1

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02-03-2023 11:18am

You need to talk to him about it. Also dont hope to see him, if you want to ask him to make plans together. Also if its going to set serious talk to him about your fears and insecurities.

If hes not committing to plans or following through and you dont like this then either let him know something has to change or walk away. He may be at the stage where he is enjoying having someone to talk to but not wanting a full relationship.

Yes hes going through something and things are probably a little more complicated for him but hats not to say you cant have your needs and wants also.

Flinty997 · 02-03-2023 12:04pm

Its unrealistic to expect someone who has lost a partner that recently and lives with their children, to have the clarity and commitment you're looking for.

accensi0n · 02-03-2023 12:14pm

I'd imagine someone whose dealt with a tragic ending to their relationship like that would need a couple of years to properly recover.

CrookedJack · 02-03-2023 12:41pm

He is still VERY recently bereaved, I can't imagine how you think you can have a serious relationship with him at this stage.

I think, from your post, that you are entirely unaware of how massive a life event he has just gone through, and how complicated everything now is for him. He'll have no idea of his own feelings about anything right now. You're jealous of him spending time with his sister-in-law, his dead wife's sister... with HIS SUPPORT NETWORK. Just have a think about that for a minute and you'll realise how inappropriate all your concerns are.

You should really examine whether you're doing the right thing here, I find it hard to believe this is a healthy relationship for either of you.

Flinty997 · 02-03-2023 1:14pm

You need to give them as much time as they need.

Confused11811 · 02-03-2023 2:04pm

I was in a similar situation but flipped around. I'm widowed 9 years and had 2 very young kids at the time 3 and 6 years old. I started dating a year after becoming a widower thinking I wanted a relationship but the reality I wasn't in the position to be in one and inadvertently hurt one or two really nice Ladies.

It wasn't until maybe two years after I became a widower I figured what I wanted was female companionship as an escape from my situation. I wanted FWB .... It's a subject that's often frowned on but with consenting adults it should not be. Once I made it clear to ladies I could only be a FWB, the reasons behind it things became so much easier for all involved. The pressure of a traditional relationship was removed and the friends I made knew where they stood. I didn't make a huge number of friends, maybe 2 or 3 and only saw one woman at a time. They moved on as their needs and situation changed but we remain actual friends today.

However I would say this everyone in my life knew I was dating. I never hid anyone away. I wouldn't have been comfortable doing that to anyone. It seems like you're being hidden away here.

Not matter what the situation or relationship type you're in it should make you happy. If you're not then you need to think about yourself and put your feeling first. The circumstances of your partner do not take priority over you and your feelings and your life.

banie01 · 02-03-2023 2:08pm

You may be wanting too much too soon from him. Everyone is different and grief is a funny animal but, speaking from experience as a man who was widowed young. He is between a rock and a hard place regarding how people will view any potential new relationship, particularly given you said he is attending events with his sister in law and you are experiencing insecurity around that.

He is very recently bereaved, he is being supported by friends and family and you are feeling insecure regarding that. That's not his problem, it's yours. He has enough on his plate without your insecurity being added to his burden.

As I said, everyone is different and grieves differently but he is in a situation where he is raising children, who have recently lost their mother, where his own family dynamic has been shattered. I know when I was in that situation, I didn't date. It was actually 4 and ½ yrs before I entered into real dating and anything more than an FWB situation.

You are expecting a lot from him and even a cursory glance at your OP? Lays out pretty plainly that you are racing ahead and without meaning to be brusque or dismissive, you need to face the constraints of his situation and accept that on his list of priorities right now? You are low down there and may well be for a long while yet.

Dial Hard · 02-03-2023 2:30pm

You.met this man 16 weeks after his wife died. Think about that. 16 weeks. That is literally no time at all and while he may have joined the apps out of loneliness, or the need for a distraction or whatever - all of which are understandable - the fact of the matter is that he hadn't even begun processing his loss at that stage. It has still barely been the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things and yet here you are, jealous of his relationship with his family and hers.

I think you need to bow out of this gracefully now, for both your sakes.

Buddy Bubs · 02-03-2023 2:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120305778#Comment_120305778

It was 10 months but your point is still very valid.

CrookedJack · 02-03-2023 3:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120305924#Comment_120305924

No, have a reread. It was ten months ago that she died, but four months before OP met him.

womaningreen · 02-03-2023 3:24pm

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CrookedJack · 02-03-2023 3:29pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306054#Comment_120306054

That's a very mature and thoughtful response, I'm impressed. I would say that you should temper your expectations WAY down. I just can't see him being ready for the kind of relationship you clearly want for years. I can only imagine that, as the other post said, he has a void of female companionship and he doesn't know how to fill it.

oldfriend213sf · 02-03-2023 7:50pm

You sound lovely, thoughtful and decent OP and I don't envy you this situation.

I wouldn't shame you for your feelings of jealousy / insecurity: I know it seems shameful to feel that way about his sister-in-law, but you're also a human with needs of your own and perhaps this is an opportunity for you to reflect on those needs. Don't lose sight of them, even though this man has gone through something truly heartbreaking and his boundaries and the gentle pace of progression needs to be respected here.

You don't want to wind up falling hard for him and committing years of precious time when it may not ever move in the direction you need. If you're in your 30s too, you may have your own goals and timelines.

I wish you the best OP.

Furze99 · 02-03-2023 8:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058286516/relationship-with-widower-am-i-being-overly-anxious

Enough flags there to be cautious. If he's in his 30s and has children late teens, what age was he when they born? Teenager or very early 20s? Unusual in itself? And then whilst you message frequently, you can't pin him down to a date? Too many unknowns I'd have thought to be investing in it. Take your time and proceed carefully.

YellowLead · 02-03-2023 8:41pm

Theres no way he could have been ready for a relationship just 16 weeks after losing his wife. You will get more hurt the longer you linger.

Everything you describe sounds like he is nowhere near ready for a relationship, but you are around when he needs some sex or comfort / female companionship every now and then. It doesn’t sound like you are cool with that from the amount of panic and fret coming across in your OP. If you care about him, and yourself, ease off and let him find you when he’s ready - if he ever wants more than what currently exists with you.

standardg60 · 02-03-2023 9:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120307083#Comment_120307083

They're stepchildren.

Tbh i don't get the criticism of the OP in relation to questioning this just because he's been recently bereaved, he's the one who joined a dating app.

OP i think you're perfectly entitled to be questioning this, the everyday messaging looks good but if he's hard to pin down to meeting up and is happily making alternative social engagements which don't include you then you need to ask where you're both going.

My immediate thought was that he's just not that into you but you need to find that out for yourself. You are your priority, it doesn't matter what anyone else has been through, it's not a reason to not be happy

mykrodot · 02-03-2023 10:34pm

mmmm dunno, call me cynical but there was a spate of men on online dating sites calling themselves widowers a year or two ago. You got reeled in by their tragic story, usually had kids but very often they were stepchildren too. It was impossible to get any kind of certainty or committment from them, they played a few women at the same time, all excused by the fact that they were dealing with recent bereavement. Women being so empathethic gave them a lot of slack and put up with a lot more than regular guys............ this was their modus operandi.

Not saying that's happening here but tread carefully. For me I wouldn't be interested in someone that recently bereaved, there is far too much stuff to work through. Also the stepchildren seems very old for a man in his 30;s, they are late teens?? Seems a bit unusual.

I would certainly be looking for a bit more details from this "widower" at this stage, you have every right to. If he is not forthcoming he shouldn't be on a dating site.

HildaOgdenx · 02-03-2023 11:03pm

Mod Note - As the OP has deleted their opening post, I will close this thread.

Thanks to all who took time to offer advice.

Hilda

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