What's the etiquette here??

Met an old friend for afternoon pints and rugby yesterday. Went to a fairly okay-ish south side boozer with what has now become a sub standard smoking area. I simply cannot spoil my drinking without the pleasure of a few cigarettes, what is the point otherwise?

I picked the venue as it generally is fine of an afternoon, but regrettably bumped into a "family" style christening that had to be seen to be believed. Basically 3-5 generations of hardcore Dublin knackeria, you wouldn't stare at them for too long type of thing. Screaming scrote kids jumping off tables with candy shoestrings hanging out of their mouths, surrounded by teenage mothers coked off their chopperoonies, dressed like Dutch porn stars in Penney's finest.... actually in fairness that look has its' charms and if you thought you would get away with you probably would?

The brothers, fathers, uncles and cousins were nothing short of terrifying. Basically a gang of jail hoppers who would have your guts for garters , no questions asked.

I had been brewing logs all afternoon and it got to the point where my farts were becoming toxic... and i wasn't fully sure if it was, sweat, or early push through, that had began stinging the sides of my cheeks with an uncomfortable heat? I had been for couple of slashes already and the jacks had degenerated into a minor drugs den with members of the christening party using the cubicles for pipe smoking, snorting gack and god knows what else? At one point one of the dutch pornstar lookalikes walked straight out of the mens' wide eyed, rapping Mariah Carey at the top of her lungs. Bint faced is not the word.

It was not looking good and I decided my best option was to maybe try the ladies? I figured I would have a better chance in there if I managed to sneak in unnoticed and make a "try in the corner" dash to one of the cubicle's? As long as I wasn't spotted going in or out I could get away with it? After another uncomfortable blast from my heaving ass I decided to bite the bullet. Thankfully both facilities were down a corridor, so it actually gave the opportunity to make a swooping entrance into the ladies and from there a 50/50 chance of scoring in the corner. If by bad luck I was met by 4 hefties throwing on lipstick I could always make like an ejet and give it the old " oh jesus christ ,excuse me!!! " before swinging around and getting out of there.

I side stepped into the ladies like Brendan Mullen on steroids.. I had to be quick because as I beat the game line I heard the click of trap 3 and I basically dived for the corner and didn't respond to the " is that you Mary?" as I locked the door and about faced and dropped anchor with seconds to spare. I let a huge massive rasping fart in the process of heaving out a really large, challenging, fecal deposit of foul smelling scutter a dairy cow would be proud of. It flowed out my ass with a lucrative viscosity and I stared sweating like Daniel in the lions Den. Jesus it smelt something fierce - and it would not stop coming? It degenerated into a full liquid pour out, I was dry retching.

I actually flushed straight after my cleanout, not too sure on the science of that attempt to declutter any remaining air particles with the smell of my nurtured insides, I never got an answer to that one in school? As I flushed I could hear the main door opening and in wandered a cackle of coked up hens the Devil himself designed. Swearing, farting , giggling and laughing like nothing I have ever heard? It didn't take long for them to be silenced by the stench that greeted them, my eyes winced as I heard a resounding " oh my sweet **** Jesus who the phuck did Dat ... oh mother of holy christ?"

I hopped out the window in shame.