Fear of ageing and shedloads of regrets.. any of you relate?

Arequipa · 19-03-2023 10:19pm #1

Hi,

I hope you are all well.

I have hit a bit if a wall recently....

Long story short.. I have battled mental health issues my whole life.. anxiety, OCD and more recently depression.....

I was incredibly anxious through my childhood and managed to get through school, college and have been full time employed for years..

I have a great family and friends but have become increasingly anxious and down... I have tried personal relationships and found them very stressful and never developed strong feelings...

I am approaching my late 40's and am hyper aware of ageing, getting older, any aches or pains, wrinkles, grey hair..

I have been making painful comparisons to colleagues, happily on the road to engagement, marriage, kids etc, friends doing very well professionally..

As a child & teenager, I was very anxious .. so I didn't join teams for long periods or achieve much in sport.. I have been really triggered by nephews, younger guys seemingly happily joining teams, going to training, with big groups of friends, ...versus me as a child.. and me now.. a few years away from 50 and not getting any faster, stronger or fitter... It hurts a lot.. also the thought that how my childhood could have been...

So do any of you relate to these fears of ageing?

And to these comparisons to colleagues, friends, even younger friends and family?

Any advice on how to gain a peace of mind...

Thank you..

A.

Ps.. I do feel grateful for a number of things in my life..but just find life a real struggle.

Jim_Hodge · 19-03-2023 10:26pm

To be honest, I never felt that way and just always considered my age another number. I'm mid 60s and while I may get more twinges after a bit of activity, I don't give it much thought. I would say look at the pluses and try to stop the minuses of looking at the lives of others whether they're your age or younger. Enjoy your life as it is now. Don't waste energy wondering about getting older or regretting not being younger. Live for the now and for you.

Arequipa · 19-03-2023 10:40pm

Hi.. thanks for the reply... The way you live sounds just really nice...

Some of my comparisons are driven a bit by OCD... Where I ruminate on something to try and fix it or figure it out...which can be tough to disengage from....but I will try.

screamer · 19-03-2023 10:52pm

I think it’s only human to have regrets. Every single decision we make has so many different choices and outcomes. Aging is like anything else a bit of fear of the unknown but also coupled with time running out, easy to see how it would feed into anxiety and depression for people who have them. However, all these things aside, my mantra in life is, what’s past is past, I cannot change it. If I don’t like it, why spend any more time pondering it, make peace with it and move on. It’s never too late to try something new or different, what’s the worst that can happen? And as I get older the one benefit is that I give a little less of a **** about what anyone else thinks of me each day. Life is for living, don’t waste it worrying about things you can’t change, spend it changing things you can and enjoy every moment you have.

19-03-2023 10:53pm

I can identify with you in a lot of respects. I’m very down at the moment myself after recent bout of Illness which has affected my mobility, and I’ve struggled with serious health issues over the years, which got in the way of my living a “normal” life as most others do. Presently I’m in a hospital, hoping to be discharged very soon, but the whole episode has made me look back with a lot of bitterness at how my health has bedevilled so many things.

I do love to travel, hoping to get on a long haul tour soon. Just approaching my 62nd birthday I feel there’s really not much time left to get a proper bite out of life, and I struggle with that thought. I’m intelligent and lucky to have a few talents, to have done stuff like flying light aircraft, have been to Antarctica etc. But “ordinary life” has been elusive, and my work life was horrible as there was a culture of bullying where I worked. I had not much choice but to take early retirement after an incident which affected my health badly & could have killed me.

I take comfort in how smart I am, in fact in spite of having lacked commensurate confidence through life I now realise I can keep learning new things, and become good at stuff. A product of growing up in the 1960s where being generally put down was the norm and it leads to lifelong anxiety & confidence issues in those prone to it. I would never come across in lacking confidence, I’m well able to talk for myself, but it’s what is pervasive inside & I perceive disapproval too easily rather than breeze it off.

In later decades society started to give kids a reasonable & healthy amount of confidence, but in more recent years the idea of awarded every child a gold medal is absolutely stupid and a certain amount of failure & learning how to cope with that is healthy. These kids will never be able to deal with the cruelties of life, and indeed sone more narcissists will be bred.

In my experience of getting to know some people I continue to learn how those who seem to have the ideal life (good family, apparently supportive partner, kids, house, job, holidays, decent car etc) often have an overwhelming background issue or two that is eating a lot of the joy in life. I think when you are prone to the circular and often very negative thinking of anxiety, you are by definition in the realm of overthinking everything and it is such a hard habit if a lifetime to let go of, but I believe there are ways to do that, not that I’ve made much of an effort tbh 😂 Often I use tactics to try and distract myself, I use a lot of humour, dark & otherwise, but sure I’ve a lot to learn yet, and I’m on this planet to keep finding out stuff, which is what I’m best at 😁

sporina · 19-03-2023 11:16pm

your doing your best - don 't be so hard on you

Tork · 19-03-2023 11:19pm

OP are you seeing anybody at the moment for your mental health issues? I don't think any of us are equipped to help you in the way you need.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand · 19-03-2023 11:21pm

OP, you need to see someone professionally about your feelings.

Arequipa · 19-03-2023 11:31pm

Hey..thanks for the reply... I really like your approach!

Arequipa · 19-03-2023 11:34pm

Evening, thank you for your reply..I hope you get a long period now of good health so that you can travel and do what you want to do.

You sound like a very intelligent and understanding person & you seem to know yourself really well too

Arequipa · 19-03-2023 11:35pm

I have mate and continue to get counselling

Arequipa · 19-03-2023 11:36pm

I am yea... Not even advice but also seeing if any of the relate to these fears and comparisons

saabsaab · 19-03-2023 11:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058288905/fear-of-ageing-and-shedloads-of-regrets-any-of-you-relate

Make a list of what makes you happy and try to do more of such activities in the future. Also when you are feeling down try to imagine doing these things and when you might get a chance to do them again.

FintanMcluskey · 20-03-2023 12:33am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058288905/fear-of-ageing-and-shedloads-of-regrets-any-of-you-relate

I have been making painful comparisons to colleagues, happily on the road to engagement, marriage, kids etc,

Let me assure you,marriage & kids is not a gateway to happiness.

Galaxy00 · 20-03-2023 1:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120377945#Comment_120377945

This 🙌 we have absolutely no idea what's going on in other people's lives/relationships despite the snippets of perfection on insta

Comparing yourself to others can either inspire you or leave you despair. Grieve your childhood, try understand and be compassionate with that anxiety and compare yourself to yourself, no doubt you've grown and developed since then

I do relate to regrets and ageing but hindsight is a funny thing

It's great you practice gratitude

Goodigal · 20-03-2023 9:12am

I can understand where you're coming from OP, especially given your history of anxiety. But the way I look at life is that every day is something to be grateful for. There is something small in every day to be thankful for. And I say this as quite an emotional person! Even on bad days, I'll still find a few seconds to practice gratitude. It's a positive way of living.

With regard to aging, I cannot believe I'll be 50 next year. And I'm looking forward to it. Yes there are aches and pains and tweaks, but that's just getting older and my brain thinks I'm still 27! So what if we are getting lines and grey hair??!! Some people don't make it this far in life. Look after your health and diet as much as you can. But deffo wouldn't be one for cosmetic surgery to try slow down the process!

Embrace the fact you're here. Find things to bring joy, even in small doses. Spend time with people who are good for you. And keep talking to your therapist.

Dial Hard · 20-03-2023 11:32am

You know what they say, comparison is the thief of joy. It's a pointless exercise.

I don't have any advice about your mental health issues as I can't relate but it's great that you're in therapy. In terms of your physical health and fitness, why not try Couch to 5k or similar? Team sports aren't for me either (cause I'm no good at them, not because I'm too nervous to join) but I took up running last year and it has made a HUGE difference, physically. I will never be one of those people who bounces out the door for a run, I complain bitterly about every single one, but I do feel antsy if I don't do about 15km a week. If you can find a solo exercise that becomes a habit for you (and your OCD may actually help in that regard) then you can at least scratch your physical wellbeing off your list of worries.

Very best of luck, OP.

Padre_Pio · 20-03-2023 11:43am

People always compare themselves to the BEST of their peers, "oh John has X, Mary has Y and Jim has Z, so why don't I have X, Y and Z". It's an unrealistic exercise.

The best we can do is plan for the future. You're older, more mature now. Think to yourself "when I'm 60, what will I regret not doing when I was 50?", then plan for that.

xzanti · 20-03-2023 12:21pm

It sounds like you're very in tune with yourself OP. You've identified what it is that's affecting your mental health and you're doing the work. You're miles ahead of many of your peers in that regard; in my humble opinion.

So many people who are unhappy believe that marriage and kids will make them "whole" or complete them and bring them happiness. Which often isn't the case and they simply end up with unhappy kids because their marriage isn't working because they married for the wrong reasons. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm not labelling you as "unhappy" I'm simply making a generalisation.

I'm a woman in my late thirties and I'd be lying if I said aging doesn't bother me. It doesn't keep me awake at night but it does sadden me a little to to see myself grow older. I'm only human. But it saddens me to watch my siblings and parents grow older too. The marching of time can be frightening.

I love that quote from Dial Hard. Comparison really is the thief of joy. But the things you have, I can assure you, someone is looking and wishing they were you; for reasons that you may not be able to relate to.

saabsaab · 20-03-2023 4:24pm

We all age. I see it in the people around me (not myself) and with it comes the loss of some capabilities but there are some gains too. Perhaps more understanding, knowledge and material security.

Arequipa · 20-03-2023 5:23pm

Thanks Galaxy 00..

@Goodigal... I love your perspective.. finding good things in every day and just embracing getting older.. I suppose we are all in the same boat!

@Dialhard.. thank u.. I do a fair bit of exercise and find it really helpful...

@Padre pio ... Thanks mate... I love that plan for the future now...& Comparing is always a biased exercise as we do compare the highlights of others lives and don't see the full pictures Vs a lot of negative things from our lives...

Xzanti... Thanks a mil... I think I do have a good understanding of what bothers me alright..& perspective is helpful as you said, others might look at me and think .. he has a great life.. I hope you are well

Hey Saab Saab.. like Saab cars btw! ..that is interesting that you notice it in people around you.. I often notice it in my work when younger colleagues join the company... You look at them and think.. jesus, I am 20 years older! It is good to know there are some pros of getting older!

TheadoreT · 20-03-2023 6:14pm

When you say you've never had strong feelings for anyone in relationships why do you think that is? What's holding you back from letting go?

Only asking as genuine connection as well as self acceptance is usually at the core of most people's true happiness and to completely write off relationships as you seem to have done here feels counterintuitive to not having more regrets in the future.

sporina · 20-03-2023 7:19pm

gee @Arequipa .. sorry to hear your feeling like that,..

so your in therapy - thats good..

as others have said, comparison is v v unhealthy.. we are all on our own path in life.. etc..

Maybe you need to work on accepting yourself? self compassion also helps..

Have you heard of DBT? https://www.dbtireland.ie/ Maybe look into it.. tis basically about the merge of acceptance and change.. I think you could benefit from it.. achieve more in life but within YOUR OWN parameters..

If you are seeing a mental health professional, you could ask them about it?

Re: Self compassion - check out Kristin Neff... not airy fairy stuff.. all clinically proven to help..

Be gentle with yourself..

20-03-2023 7:30pm

Plan some bucket list items, you might get doing some of them. I always had in mind to do a skydive but when I was young and flying light aircraft solo, the very thought of jumping out of a plane horrified me. But deep within I promised myself to keep entertaining the idea, and I reckoned when I turned 60 I would have developed more courage. This came to pass, last Christmas Day in Gran Canaria I looked at a flyer advertising skydive over sand dunes and I whimsically filled out the online form, for a skydive three days later. I got a phone call early on St Stephen’s Day to tell me to come straight over by taxi, as the weather would be bad for rest of week. I didn’t have too much time to further think about it 😁 I’m so glad I did that as I’ve developed a medical issue that may prevent any such further shenanigans, but I’m absolutely thrilled I did that and have a great scary looking video to prove it.

JoChervil · 21-03-2023 12:11am

OP, what I find the most fulfilling in life are the situations, where my presence or skills make a difference in someone's life. I think it might be at the root why family, relationships and kids bring this joy to people.

If you think that it might bring joy to you as well, why not joining any volunteering groups? I think especially in the second half of our lives, we want more to give than achieve.

ManOfMystery · 21-03-2023 12:26pm

My dad constantly makes comments about getting older. Even though he's a relatively fit, healthy and able man for his age. Last week he groaned getting up off a chair and said "getting old is a terrible thing" - I raised an eyebrow and told him that the alternative is even worse.

Any time I open the news and read that a child died in a car accident or a 19yr old footballer had a heart attack or something similar, I remind myself that getting old is actually a privilege and we don't all get to enjoy it. Of course, we lose certain things as we get older - maybe our athleticism if we had it, for some of us it's our hair, our eyesight can get worse, and so on - but these things can be addressed. Play sports and go to the gym or swim. Laser eye surgery or trendy glasses. A hair transplant or just shave your head and rock the Statham look.

Life is what you make it. There's an almost subconscious preconception that getting older means a lower quality of life, but that's entirely down to your mindset. Most people find they have more free time as they get older and children leave the nest, they may be financially better off than they were in their 20s - get out and do things and learn new things and make new friends.

Your past can't be changed. Your future can - no matter if you're 40 or 80.

Arequipa · 21-03-2023 6:35pm

JoChervil..thanks for the reply.. I do a bit of volunteering in my local area.. but I could definitely do more...

Man of Mystery.. I like your attitude...there are some negatives about getting older.. but some positives too... You are right.. we can increasingly with technology & modern life, live very well until a ripe old age..

What you say about the past and future is 100% true.. thanks mate.

zoobizoo · 22-03-2023 12:11pm

"As a child & teenager, I was very anxious .. so I didn't join teams for long periods or achieve much in sport.. I have been really triggered by nephews, younger guys seemingly happily joining teams, going to training, with big groups of friends, ...versus me as a child.. and me now.. a few years away from 50 and not getting any faster, stronger or fitter... It hurts a lot.. also the thought that how my childhood could have been..."

I think some CBT and talking to someone would help.

"The Big Group of friends" - I think that the reality for most of us is that they don't have a Big Group of Friends who all get along and who all have the craic together. Have you ever sat and listened to a Big Group of Friends trying to talk? The loud ones are loud, the quiet ones are quiet and the conversations are competing voices where the loudest people dominate. Is something that appeals to you now and would it have been something that would have appealed to you as a teen?

You say you have good friends now - that is a bonus.

You have regrets about sports you didn't get to play but have you tried any other sports in the last 30 years, team or otherwise? I'm 50 and I played tennis for the first time in 35 years on Monday, and again yesterday. It was sociable and fun. Now, I could frame this as "shoot, I missed out on playing this fun sport for the last 35 years. I gave up due to anxiety and having no commitment" or "hey, that was a fun thing to do, I'm looking forward to the next game already"

There's nothing you can change about your past. You have to learn to live with it and accept it for what it was.

HildaOgdenx · 22-03-2023 7:44pm

Mod Note - I have deleted some posts. As per the charter please bear in mind that:

Personal Issues is an advice forum.
Posters are required to offer advice to the OP in their replies.

Thanks

Hilda

Fear of ageing and shedloads of regrets.. any of you relate?

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