Wife is cheating - what next?

You sound like a dedicated dad, and I totally understand how torn up you are to discover this fling. It's cruel. But as others have said, you're going to need a lot of support and strength to get through the next months. I can't believe you would let her go off again to have her fun. That would eat me up inside, but I guess you know your marriage is over so it's not going to bother you as much.

You don't have a property so you're not going to get into the splitting of proceeds etc, but finding somewhere your son is comfortable with is the priority. She has a role to play here too, so when you're ready to have the big conversation with her, keep reinforcing that he is your number one, and coming up with a care plan and shared custody will take time. Esp when feelings will be running high. She will be disappointed her excitement is over, and you're going to be juggling so many feelings too.

I also think she might have wanted you to find something out on her phone, but unlikely she would have booked another trip so soon (and so brazenly!) if she thought you knew.

Definitely don't have any sexual interactions with her in the interim, as it sounds like she had unprotected sex with him

Good luck with it. Talk to family and friends when you feel ready - even saying it out loud to one person will help you. Speak with a solicitor to line up your options. But don't always think court is the final destination. A counsellor is not going to tell you what to do, so maybe save that until you've had the conversation with your wife, when you will need someone neutral to listen.

You'll get through it but it takes so much time and courage to come out the other side. Keep moving forward is all you can do. And keep being the best dad for your son.

Awful to read that OP.

Echoing others here but make sure you get the professional help needed both for mental health support and for professional advice (solicitors etc...).

I'd advise that you inform her your intentions before she heads off on her jolly, preferably that morning/the night before and tell her you'll put the wheels of separation in motion while she's away. Use that time to let your family and her parents (if they help with the kid in any way) know that separation is in progress and if they push on it tell them why.

Being able to deal with the inevitable dirty work will be easier without her around (you mention you don't like confrontation and she would control situations)

best of luck with whatever you do, it's an awful situation and it speaks a lot about you that you as a father are putting the kids needs first at such a testing time.

She has mentally checked out of your marriage. Take it from someone who has been in her shoes (being the cheater, badmouthing my long term boyfriend and despising him etc)

Don't for a minute think she will change. I am guilty of being the cheater, time and time again because my boyfriend loved me alot and kept accepting it1. I am not proud of that.

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Don't let her do the same to you, walking all over you and treating you as this disposable person that can easily be replaced.

Respect yourself, your son and walk away.

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OP. You're in a difficult, heartbreaking situation but from what I can see you're doing everything right. You're not being rash, You're seeking professional help, and you're not lashing out for punishment or revenge. And hopefully, you ignore the grim, misogynistic advice (see above) that will inevitably come your way.

This will be tough but you're going at it the right way, be strong.

What an awful situation for you.

I can only reiterate what previous posters have said - do everything by the book, see a solicitor, don't let tempers get flared, etc. Once you confront her, after that point if possible try and keep all formal communication by text or email just so you have a copy of it should any legal issues arise. Courts by and large will take a positive view of stability, civility and so on so if you can make sure your behaviour is impeccable going forward, it will stand you in good stead even though there may times you just feel (justifiably!) like letting it all out.

Just to add, I think her behaviour has been abominably selfish. I have all the time in the world for those who suffer from PND and mental health issues (my own wife went through it for a time) but it can't go on indefinitely - there comes a time, especially when you have a family, that you owe it to them to address it and move forward. It sounds like she's done very little to improve things despite a massive amount of logistical and emotional support from you, and then to cap it off, she engages in an affair - all signs to me at this stage that she's only interested in her own needs.

That's the first time I've read an OP and genuinely felt a pit in my stomach.

You don't deserve that and neither does your child, it is an incredibly selfish thing your wife has done. The messaging behind your back about you is very hurtful I'd imagine.

I've no advice other than do it properly, go get legal advice and take it from there.

I wouldn't wait till she goes again if it was me, I'd look to get it out in the open asap if for nothing but the sake of your own mental health. It's probably the only thing you have control of here too, she's inevitably looking froward to going again - I'd take that from her.

I'd also say don't be swayed by the emotional plees when it is in the open, inevitably from my own slim experience with similar situations the blame is going to be lobbed on you about how you aren't doing this or aren't doing that and how that drove her to it. Don't be swayed by it. Remain a rock, try your best to show indifference.

I hope the wind is on your back with whatever happens after this, you seem to have the priorities of your child at the fore which is very admirable.

You sound like a very devoted and loving father, fair play to you on that front. I dunno, cheating is something I know I could never forgive, and depression etc is no excuse. Your wife sounds utterly useless, and I don’t mean to be harsh at all, but you’ve shouldered more than your fair share and it seems she just copped out and went off to find a new boyfriend. Consult a solicitor, decide how you want to proceed, make a plan for your son and his care and for yourself of course as I’m sure your wife will be quite happy to let you continue being his primary carer. How she reacts or behaves is not your problem, you did nothing wrong to look at her phone, her behaviour gave you cause to check it. mind yourself, set things up for yourself in a right way and move on. Good luck to you, you deserve better and someone who will really love you.

Good Luck with everything. If I was you I'd open the app and use my own phone to take photos of the messages. Talk to a solicitor, let her travel. While she's in the the air. I'd send her a message so that she gets it when she lands. Tell her you know what's going on and when she gets back can she stay in her parents house. You can both explain to your son what's going to happen next. Tell her she will have to start doing her fair share and more for your son from now on, you won't be carrying her load. Block her number safe in the knowledge that you've ruined her weekend and she'll be dreading coming home. You might as well let her parents know too.

If you have savings move at least half of them to an account you control.

Really sorry to hear you’re feeling stressed, remember one day at a time of you can.

Regarding your employment - if it’s a job that can be done from home a few days per week you might still be in a position to do that - I know quite a few people who would just do that and start a little late but then work extra time etc.

Doesn't matter if she’s covering her tracks now, you saw what you saw and you won’t need to prove it to anybody.

You’re going to have a lot of tough days in the near future until all this is worked out - I hope you have some friends and/or family to rely on.

Joint account- move your money asap. Family member of mine had the accounts cleared out by his cheating wife and he had no leg to stand on. If you’ve joint credit cards, as in if she has a card off your account, call the bank and cancel it. If she has authorisation on any accounts or utility bills that are in your name call them up and revoke that also. If you have a car that is yours but has her name on the registration book, move that to your name too, again my family member had this and the ex wife basically took off with the car he paid for and that was fine by the judge as she was the registered owner! Consult a solicitor asap OP don’t waste time, make sure you’ve covered as many bases as you can, and move on. BTW, I think you’ve enough stress at the moment, I’d knock the interviewing on the head and stick to the place that offers you flexibility until you have this sorted out. stay strong,