Wife is cheating - what next?

spaceHopper · 17-04-2023 11:07am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120484721#Comment_120484721

Good luck hope it goes well, things could get worse for a while, once you confront her she'll either try to save things or she could get hostile, don't let her gaslight you into thinking it was your fault. Make sure to have some cash in your own bank account so that you aren't left broke. If you bank with AIB it's very easy to set up an online bank account and to me half your joint saving over to it.

Once it's in the open talk to your friends and family get it off your chest.

XsApollo · 17-04-2023 11:28am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120484721#Comment_120484721

One thing I would be doing if you are not doing it already is preparing another room in the house ( if you have the space) to move in to.

You won’t know how she is going to react when she hears the news.

wether she will have your child’s interest at heart the way you do is something you won’t find out till it happens.

don’t get into an argument either, and cut communication with her after you have said your piece , move into your room and don’t talk unless it’s necessary to do so, do not give her any ammunition or any inkling that can make her feel threatened.

I would make it clear, everything is 50-50 now, and she can start pulling her weight.

this is your home also, and you are perfectly entitled to live there.

don’t move out unless you want to of course. Be thankful you don’t own a house together, will be easier to start fresh with your own place when this is all said and done.

shootermacg · 17-04-2023 12:17pm

You have to think of this person as whomever she gets to represent herself. You will not be dealing with her, you'll be dealing with her solicitor. You can pretty much ignore any promises from her with regards to financials as by the time the solicitors get through, you'll be forking out as much as they can get from you. I recently had a friend who went through the whole thing and he paid out exactly how much they could get from him, regardless of his cheating wife who made all sorts of promises.

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 19-04-2023 10:26pm

I met with a solicitor on Monday and a counsellor today. I'm going to have it out with wife tomorrow. My son is going to my sister's after school, and my wife works from home on a Thursday, so once she finishes (around 4ish) I'll have the talk. Having to go collect soon will allow me a limit on the talk too, so we don't go around the world on things.

Bricking it now though.

YellowLead · 19-04-2023 10:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120497373#Comment_120497373

The anticipation is worse. Once you get it over you will be relieved. Yes, the fall out will be tricky too but at least you will be living it - right now the fear of the unknown is what is so hard. Best of luck, and remember you are doing the right thing.

omeara1113 · 20-04-2023 6:04am

Good luck

Big Bag of Chips · 20-04-2023 7:21am

The fright of what she is about to lose might snap her back to her senses. I'd expect a range of emotions from tears and remorse to anger. She will deny, deflect. She'll blame you, him, everyone else.

Don't let her words get to you. There might be a way through for you both to repair your marriage, if it turns out that is what you both want. Today is your first step. Take care of yourself.

screamer · 20-04-2023 7:50am

Don’t brick it, practise what you’re going to say, she will probably fling it back that you checked her phone….. but look, SHE CHEATED, so don’t brick anything. Figure out what you’re going to say, think about how she will respond so that she doesn’t throw you off track and get it done with. You deserve a life with someone who loves you, so take that step towards it.

DownByTheGarden · 20-04-2023 8:29am

When you have it out with her tell her you know as fact that she is has been having an affair with this guy she is going to see. Dont tell her how you know. Tell her nothing else. Let her do all the talking after that.

No matter what she asks you, dont tell her how you know or all of what you know. She will start saying, was it my phone? Did some friend tell you? What did they tell you?

She wont know what you know so she cant construct lies around what she knows you know. It will be easy to catch her on these lies.

raclle · 20-04-2023 8:59am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120497995#Comment_120497995

Or she might have deliberately left the phone behind and is looking to be caught. Wouldn't be surprised if she straight up confesses and says she wants out of the marriage. Sounds like she wants nothing to do with the child either.

DownByTheGarden · 20-04-2023 10:37am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498074#Comment_120498074

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity

20-04-2023 10:40am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498074#Comment_120498074

This might happen especially if lover boy has been telling her what she wants to hear.

She’d likely be in for a rude awakening though if reality hit home for your man. A fling is grand, especially away on holiday… far different when you’re considering Heinz or Bachelor baked beans in aisle 4 of Tesco.

HBC08 · 20-04-2023 10:43am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120497995#Comment_120497995

This is good advice.

How you found out is irrelevant.

Tell her you know and let her off talking and tieing herself in knots.Never tell her how you found out,knowledge is power,don't give her any.

Good luck.

XsApollo · 20-04-2023 10:53am

Don’t let her turn it on you either, you’ve done everything by the sounds of it.

Always remember she has the energy/ makes the effort to go see this other guy.

she chose to do that for and with him, she chose not to do it with or for you.

Seve OB · 20-04-2023 11:45am

Good luck this avo

20-04-2023 11:46am

Good luck OP. This is going to be the hardest but ultimately the most liberating thing you do.

Girl Geraldine · 20-04-2023 11:48am

Best of luck. Be prepared for waterworks, anger, blaming you, suicide threats etc etc. It is all bullshít. Stick to your guns and tell her your mind is made up and you're not changing your mind and bully scare tactics isn't going to work. Be assertive.

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raclle · 20-04-2023 12:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498745#Comment_120498745

Be surprised if it got that far. Sounds like she's half checked out already.

20-04-2023 12:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498836#Comment_120498836

It’s one thing having the mindset that you are in control, to suddenly being told you’re not wanted. Some will do a 180 degree change, which may even surprise them.

micar · 20-04-2023 12:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498745#Comment_120498745

Don't let her blame you......cheaters will put the blame on the other person.

This is all on her.

Sunny Disposition · 20-04-2023 12:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120497373#Comment_120497373

Like a lot of things the waiting and the anticipation may be worse than actually having the conversation.

Remember any upset she feels is all her own fault, it was her decision to start the affair.

feelings · 20-04-2023 12:34pm

I presume others have recommended it but record your conversation!! I've been exactly where you are right now. It's amazing how quickly someone can turn from your 'loving' wife/partner to a nasty piece of work.

raclle · 20-04-2023 12:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498856#Comment_120498856

Whist I do agree with your point her reaction will be interesting to say the least. Horrible situation for the OP to be in. Wish him all the best

spaceHopper · 20-04-2023 2:15pm

Good luck, you said that you live beside her parents, any possibility she could stay there for awhile. Make sure to take half or even 2/3 of any savings you have in a joint account 1/3 for you 1/3 for your son 1/3 for her.

She might also try to get you to agree to try and save the marriage and not to tell anybody about what has happened, don't it's a way for her to get her side out first.

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 20-04-2023 11:06pm

It's done. Had the conversation earlier this evening. It was like a weight off as soon as we were done, thankfully.

She didn't deny, she didn't push back. She was shocked, but said she had a feeling I knew, and was close to telling me herself too. She has asked me if I'm 1000% sure that our marriage is over, I've said yes.

We've agreed nothing yet, she's staying here for tonight anyway, I've told her if it takes a few days then thsts fine to sort herself out. I've also told her that if she doesn't move soon, I'll leave. I can't share a house with her.

My hope is that she sees sense and moves in to her parents' house next door, she'll still have access to our son as often as she likes, but it will give me that wall I need between us.

She's already told her sister and her mother, so reality is starting to kick in for her now. In going to tell my sister tomorrow and parents over weekend, there'll be no turn back then. I'm glad though, like I said - it's a weight off.

I just really really hope ahe doesn't go nasty and start pushing back on logical choices around childcare/etc.I've told her the obvious choice is that she keeps working, I become a proper full time carer for son, we sort out bills and whatnot together and she had access as often as she wants. I also said I'd be happy to let her stay here a couple of nights a week, I can bail out to my parents (with our son's needs, it isn't currently possible to have him stay in a different house). let's see how tomorrow goes now.

YellowLead · 20-04-2023 11:14pm

Well done!!!!! And I’m glad it has started off calmly, let’s hope it stays that way. That was a really tough thing to do but you got through it. Keep taking things one at a time and it will be sorted at some stage.

gary550 · 20-04-2023 11:35pm

Good on you man, by the sounds of things it's as good as a situation like that could've gone

I don't think I'm alone here but all the best to you and your son

I genuinely hope life is good to you both from here on in.

Caranica · 21-04-2023 12:05am

Well done. Just one thing. Do not leave. She has somewhere to go, you don't. If you leave the house that will be it. Take back that option you've given her.

road_high · 21-04-2023 12:46am

Do not move out of the house under any circumstances

FishOnABike · 21-04-2023 1:01am

Be prepared for your wife to have second thoughts on what she is prepared to agree to once she has had time to think about things and has had the benefit of legal advice.

Wife is cheating - what next?

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