Wife is cheating - what next?

YellowLead · 13-04-2023 9:32am

Really sorry to hear you’re feeling stressed, remember one day at a time of you can.

Regarding your employment - if it’s a job that can be done from home a few days per week you might still be in a position to do that - I know quite a few people who would just do that and start a little late but then work extra time etc.

Doesn't matter if she’s covering her tracks now, you saw what you saw and you won’t need to prove it to anybody.

You’re going to have a lot of tough days in the near future until all this is worked out - I hope you have some friends and/or family to rely on.

Hooked · 13-04-2023 10:17am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120471280#Comment_120471280

Hi OP

Crap situation - handled impeccably by you...

Let me be blunt on a few things. When this cheating and this other man become a real life "everyone knows" situation - it won't hold a fraction of the fun and excitement that it currently does for them. When reality hits - and this affair is known - do you think this other man is going to want all of the graft and hard work that your current situation with you, your marriage and your son demands? Will he fook.

As far as I can tell - you didn't keep any evidence? But only we know that. Your wife doesn't. So... if it were me - when the sh^tt hits the fan, tell her calmly that you have all of the screenshots saved... which will soften her cough. You can quote certain things to her - and the date she deleted the app, etc. Last thing she'll want is her dirty secret becoming a reality outside of her little bubble.

But do not put ANYTHING in an email or a text! And be careful that you're not being recorded once u do confront her. You're the good guy here. The caring father... and you will want it to always look that way when solicitors and legal crap starts to happen.

If I was a betting man - this affair won't materilaise into anything once it's all in the open. Your sons situation won't make it appealing to either of them. And you sure as shite shouldn't be worried about her "getting her hands on your sons care". You do all the heavy lifting as it is!!! Do you really think that she, with her new man, will want to do more than she currently does? Pffft. She will in her hole!

Stand tall. Work on your self esteem, your son - and find happiness.

And for the love of Christ - don't take her back when this other lad runs a mile from real life responsibilities!!!

13-04-2023 10:44am

Discord works in the browser as well. You don't need to use the app.

Senature · 13-04-2023 12:14pm

Hi op, try your best to stay as calm as possible, seems like you have been doing great so far.

If it helps, I don't know why people are suggesting you need to gather evidence. I feel like this would just add to your stress. You know what you know, even if your wife never admits it. I presume you are in Ireland, there is 'no fault' divorce, you don't need to prove anything happened. You know, and she knows.

I would echo the sentiments to ensure you are in sole control of half of your joint funds in bank accounts etc. Maybe open an account of your own if you don't already have one.

All the best

screamer · 14-04-2023 1:52am

Joint account- move your money asap. Family member of mine had the accounts cleared out by his cheating wife and he had no leg to stand on. If you’ve joint credit cards, as in if she has a card off your account, call the bank and cancel it. If she has authorisation on any accounts or utility bills that are in your name call them up and revoke that also. If you have a car that is yours but has her name on the registration book, move that to your name too, again my family member had this and the ex wife basically took off with the car he paid for and that was fine by the judge as she was the registered owner! Consult a solicitor asap OP don’t waste time, make sure you’ve covered as many bases as you can, and move on. BTW, I think you’ve enough stress at the moment, I’d knock the interviewing on the head and stick to the place that offers you flexibility until you have this sorted out. stay strong,

Sunny Disposition · 14-04-2023 11:19am

You're doing very well, it's tough to do what you're doing, but it's a clever approach. When you talk to the solicitor and the counsellor I'm sure you'll start to see a path forward. You have really been used and abused by that woman and getting out of the relationship will be good for you. It probably will be a rough time for you and your son until things are more settled, but you'll get there in a few months. And then the future will be way brighter than it has been for the duration of your relationship with your wife.

It really sounds like you've been very decent, and she's treated your kindness as a sort of weakness to be exploited. She more than deserves the shock that's coming.

Neyite · 14-04-2023 11:43am

I know she's actually the one who has ruined things, but it'll still be me that acts on it.

Very often, the cheated spouse who refuses to tolerate the cheating gets accused of breaking up the marriage or the family. And that accusation carries a lot of guilt for "causing" the upheaval for the children, or financially or geographically when you are already reeling from the personal loss of trust and love.

No.

It was broken the moment she crossed the line you just didn't know it had broken until a while afterwards.

Imagine a scene from one of those movies set on a train where the junction shifts and the train goes in the different direction but it's a while before anyone notices they are heading towards the broken bridge. She moved that junction. Just because you are trying now to steer the train towards a soft landing with minimal damage to everyone, doesn't mean you are responsible for the crash.

So let that be your mantra or inner image if anyone tries to imply you are breaking up anything.

maggiemae · 14-04-2023 3:36pm

OP, I really feel for you. When she comes back from her trip I'd suggest joint counselling. If your wife is a Clerical Officer she will likely have an Employee Assistance Programme which should give you 6 sessions of marriage counselling. I used this facility myself when deciding to separate from my cheating spouse and found it helpful dealing with the emotional side and processing the level of deception that I had been living in. I felt secure in my decision to leave after that and it helped when the extended families found out to be able to say we came to a joint decision with a professional in the room! I feel it may be beneficial should things turn nasty with her and there is talk of protection orders etc.

Ask at your solicitors appointment what is the best decision is regarding taking up employment again and follow their advice including if she wishes to purchase a family home for her child with you the primary carer.

Do not mention to your wife that you have taken solicitors advice when you both acknowledge that this marriage is now over. The next step would be to attend family mediation where hopefully you can both come up with a mediated agreement in relation to the care of your child, assets division etc.

Do not worry about proving adultery in court or whether looking at her phone will reflect badly on you, Ireland has a no fault divorce system so it is irrelevant. Your wife my whinge about her impinged privacy but it's inconsequential.

It's such a long process but getting rid of those who betray you in the long run is worth the effort

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 16-04-2023 5:08pm

Another crappy weekend coming to an end. I've resolved that I'll say something to my wife before the end of the week, so it's (hopefully) my last weekend of feeling like I do.

I'm meeting with a solicitor tomorrow for the first time. I know they're an expert and should cover everything, but if anyone has any suggestions of areas I should be focusing on or should ask about, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks again all.

Goodigal · 16-04-2023 5:22pm

My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the weight you're feeling.

I didn't speak with a solicitor for a long time after my husband left. He wasn't looking for shared parenting so it wasn't up for discussion. And as others have said, regardless of circumstances, courts do not care who caused the end of the marriage. And legal separation or divorce is years away for you right now.

For now, establish what you want to happen next, with your son's routine to the forefront. And work out financially how you're going to navigate the next few weeks, nevermind years. Take care of yourself OP.

spaceHopper · 17-04-2023 11:07am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120484721#Comment_120484721

Good luck hope it goes well, things could get worse for a while, once you confront her she'll either try to save things or she could get hostile, don't let her gaslight you into thinking it was your fault. Make sure to have some cash in your own bank account so that you aren't left broke. If you bank with AIB it's very easy to set up an online bank account and to me half your joint saving over to it.

Once it's in the open talk to your friends and family get it off your chest.

XsApollo · 17-04-2023 11:28am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120484721#Comment_120484721

One thing I would be doing if you are not doing it already is preparing another room in the house ( if you have the space) to move in to.

You won’t know how she is going to react when she hears the news.

wether she will have your child’s interest at heart the way you do is something you won’t find out till it happens.

don’t get into an argument either, and cut communication with her after you have said your piece , move into your room and don’t talk unless it’s necessary to do so, do not give her any ammunition or any inkling that can make her feel threatened.

I would make it clear, everything is 50-50 now, and she can start pulling her weight.

this is your home also, and you are perfectly entitled to live there.

don’t move out unless you want to of course. Be thankful you don’t own a house together, will be easier to start fresh with your own place when this is all said and done.

shootermacg · 17-04-2023 12:17pm

You have to think of this person as whomever she gets to represent herself. You will not be dealing with her, you'll be dealing with her solicitor. You can pretty much ignore any promises from her with regards to financials as by the time the solicitors get through, you'll be forking out as much as they can get from you. I recently had a friend who went through the whole thing and he paid out exactly how much they could get from him, regardless of his cheating wife who made all sorts of promises.

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 19-04-2023 10:26pm

I met with a solicitor on Monday and a counsellor today. I'm going to have it out with wife tomorrow. My son is going to my sister's after school, and my wife works from home on a Thursday, so once she finishes (around 4ish) I'll have the talk. Having to go collect soon will allow me a limit on the talk too, so we don't go around the world on things.

Bricking it now though.

YellowLead · 19-04-2023 10:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120497373#Comment_120497373

The anticipation is worse. Once you get it over you will be relieved. Yes, the fall out will be tricky too but at least you will be living it - right now the fear of the unknown is what is so hard. Best of luck, and remember you are doing the right thing.

omeara1113 · 20-04-2023 6:04am

Good luck

Big Bag of Chips · 20-04-2023 7:21am

The fright of what she is about to lose might snap her back to her senses. I'd expect a range of emotions from tears and remorse to anger. She will deny, deflect. She'll blame you, him, everyone else.

Don't let her words get to you. There might be a way through for you both to repair your marriage, if it turns out that is what you both want. Today is your first step. Take care of yourself.

screamer · 20-04-2023 7:50am

Don’t brick it, practise what you’re going to say, she will probably fling it back that you checked her phone….. but look, SHE CHEATED, so don’t brick anything. Figure out what you’re going to say, think about how she will respond so that she doesn’t throw you off track and get it done with. You deserve a life with someone who loves you, so take that step towards it.

DownByTheGarden · 20-04-2023 8:29am

When you have it out with her tell her you know as fact that she is has been having an affair with this guy she is going to see. Dont tell her how you know. Tell her nothing else. Let her do all the talking after that.

No matter what she asks you, dont tell her how you know or all of what you know. She will start saying, was it my phone? Did some friend tell you? What did they tell you?

She wont know what you know so she cant construct lies around what she knows you know. It will be easy to catch her on these lies.

raclle · 20-04-2023 8:59am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120497995#Comment_120497995

Or she might have deliberately left the phone behind and is looking to be caught. Wouldn't be surprised if she straight up confesses and says she wants out of the marriage. Sounds like she wants nothing to do with the child either.

DownByTheGarden · 20-04-2023 10:37am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498074#Comment_120498074

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity

20-04-2023 10:40am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498074#Comment_120498074

This might happen especially if lover boy has been telling her what she wants to hear.

She’d likely be in for a rude awakening though if reality hit home for your man. A fling is grand, especially away on holiday… far different when you’re considering Heinz or Bachelor baked beans in aisle 4 of Tesco.

HBC08 · 20-04-2023 10:43am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120497995#Comment_120497995

This is good advice.

How you found out is irrelevant.

Tell her you know and let her off talking and tieing herself in knots.Never tell her how you found out,knowledge is power,don't give her any.

Good luck.

XsApollo · 20-04-2023 10:53am

Don’t let her turn it on you either, you’ve done everything by the sounds of it.

Always remember she has the energy/ makes the effort to go see this other guy.

she chose to do that for and with him, she chose not to do it with or for you.

Seve OB · 20-04-2023 11:45am

Good luck this avo

20-04-2023 11:46am

Good luck OP. This is going to be the hardest but ultimately the most liberating thing you do.

Girl Geraldine · 20-04-2023 11:48am

Best of luck. Be prepared for waterworks, anger, blaming you, suicide threats etc etc. It is all bullshít. Stick to your guns and tell her your mind is made up and you're not changing your mind and bully scare tactics isn't going to work. Be assertive.

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raclle · 20-04-2023 12:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498745#Comment_120498745

Be surprised if it got that far. Sounds like she's half checked out already.

20-04-2023 12:13pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498836#Comment_120498836

It’s one thing having the mindset that you are in control, to suddenly being told you’re not wanted. Some will do a 180 degree change, which may even surprise them.

micar · 20-04-2023 12:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498745#Comment_120498745

Don't let her blame you......cheaters will put the blame on the other person.

This is all on her.

Sunny Disposition · 20-04-2023 12:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120497373#Comment_120497373

Like a lot of things the waiting and the anticipation may be worse than actually having the conversation.

Remember any upset she feels is all her own fault, it was her decision to start the affair.

feelings · 20-04-2023 12:34pm

I presume others have recommended it but record your conversation!! I've been exactly where you are right now. It's amazing how quickly someone can turn from your 'loving' wife/partner to a nasty piece of work.

raclle · 20-04-2023 12:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498856#Comment_120498856

Whist I do agree with your point her reaction will be interesting to say the least. Horrible situation for the OP to be in. Wish him all the best

spaceHopper · 20-04-2023 2:15pm

Good luck, you said that you live beside her parents, any possibility she could stay there for awhile. Make sure to take half or even 2/3 of any savings you have in a joint account 1/3 for you 1/3 for your son 1/3 for her.

She might also try to get you to agree to try and save the marriage and not to tell anybody about what has happened, don't it's a way for her to get her side out first.

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 20-04-2023 11:06pm

It's done. Had the conversation earlier this evening. It was like a weight off as soon as we were done, thankfully.

She didn't deny, she didn't push back. She was shocked, but said she had a feeling I knew, and was close to telling me herself too. She has asked me if I'm 1000% sure that our marriage is over, I've said yes.

We've agreed nothing yet, she's staying here for tonight anyway, I've told her if it takes a few days then thsts fine to sort herself out. I've also told her that if she doesn't move soon, I'll leave. I can't share a house with her.

My hope is that she sees sense and moves in to her parents' house next door, she'll still have access to our son as often as she likes, but it will give me that wall I need between us.

She's already told her sister and her mother, so reality is starting to kick in for her now. In going to tell my sister tomorrow and parents over weekend, there'll be no turn back then. I'm glad though, like I said - it's a weight off.

I just really really hope ahe doesn't go nasty and start pushing back on logical choices around childcare/etc.I've told her the obvious choice is that she keeps working, I become a proper full time carer for son, we sort out bills and whatnot together and she had access as often as she wants. I also said I'd be happy to let her stay here a couple of nights a week, I can bail out to my parents (with our son's needs, it isn't currently possible to have him stay in a different house). let's see how tomorrow goes now.

YellowLead · 20-04-2023 11:14pm

Well done!!!!! And I’m glad it has started off calmly, let’s hope it stays that way. That was a really tough thing to do but you got through it. Keep taking things one at a time and it will be sorted at some stage.

gary550 · 20-04-2023 11:35pm

Good on you man, by the sounds of things it's as good as a situation like that could've gone

I don't think I'm alone here but all the best to you and your son

I genuinely hope life is good to you both from here on in.

Caranica · 21-04-2023 12:05am

Well done. Just one thing. Do not leave. She has somewhere to go, you don't. If you leave the house that will be it. Take back that option you've given her.

road_high · 21-04-2023 12:46am

Do not move out of the house under any circumstances

FishOnABike · 21-04-2023 1:01am

Be prepared for your wife to have second thoughts on what she is prepared to agree to once she has had time to think about things and has had the benefit of legal advice.

21-04-2023 1:08am

IIRC you don't own the house, it's rented, OP, is that correct?

When you have time to catch your breath, and process all of this, you should look up what is called "birds nest" parenting.

Considering your son's needs to stay in one place and that he is non-verbal, it may be the best option for you all.

Try and keep things as amicable as possible. best of luck.

21-04-2023 6:59am

I’d expect a change in tone once she’s ghosted by ‘the guy’.

Well done on getting this far, good luck.

anonymouscactus · 21-04-2023 7:07am

Good luck, OP. Just wanted to add that there are some respite services available for parents, sometimes through gov-funded bodies, sometimes through local charities. At such an emotional time, it might be something worth considering for yourself and your son - even a day or two's break might provide you with a chance to refresh.

raclle · 21-04-2023 7:12am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498422#Comment_120498422

You were saying???

Big Bag of Chips · 21-04-2023 7:22am

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Please read The Forum Charter to familiarise yourself with the rules of posting in this forum.

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Goodigal · 21-04-2023 7:34am

As others have said, don't offer to move out. It's where you care for your son, and he's your life. She can sort herself out.

Really hope you can exhale again and just take each day as it comes now. She might try to get you back onside but I like the way you've taken control and made plans. You should be very proud of how you're handling things. Hoping for a better future for you OP

Sunny Disposition · 21-04-2023 7:47am

Well done OP, you’re handling things very well.

raclle · 21-04-2023 7:56am

You're about to go through the hardest time of your life OP and you have my deepest sympathies. Wish you and your son all the best for the future.

XsApollo · 21-04-2023 8:02am

Yes definitely don’t move out, if it does go to court, the judge will have one person to look after and that’s your son, and a place to live for him will be top of the list.

I’m not sure where you can live if you move out, but I think there are certain things judges don’t look on too favourably for living arrangements , if you are looking at being primary carer for your son.

such as house sharing, rooms and stuff like that.

21-04-2023 8:45am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120502284#Comment_120502284

I think he's over the hardest of it, emotionally at least. He can now start to rebuild his life. He should take great heart from that.

Wife is cheating - what next?

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