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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5302
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Police have accused me of stealing a set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.

    I said "Hang on, I can explain everything!"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5303
    RayCon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,878 ✭✭✭RayCon


    The advantage of easy origami is two fold.



  • #5304
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today. But it’s definitely up there.



  • #5305
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The world Origami championship is on SKY

    It's pay per view.



  • #5306
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion...


     


    I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.



  • #5307
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I am 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon...


     


    Unfortunately I am now starting to flag quite badly.



  • #5308
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I made a lamb curry yesterday, but apparently they only eat grass.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5309
    The DayDream
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 513 ✭✭✭The DayDream


    Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.



  • #5310
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,235 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I used to work with a lazy, useless arsehole. I once took a print screen of his desktop, including all the icons, and set it as his background. I then deleted all the icons so that clicking them did nothing.



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  • #5311
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    i went to a very expensive cannibal restaurant last night - it was €50 a head!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5312
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,235 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    We’ll done to the person who invented autocorrect



  • #5313
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!"


    The leader replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon.



  • #5314
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Apparently historians are now debating if William Shakespeare died of tuberculosis.

    You know....


    TB or not TB, that is the question

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5315
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?


    The prose... they outweigh the cons.



  • #5316
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I once had an interesting conversation with a very profound overweight monk…

    He was a deep fat friar

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5317
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,743 ✭✭✭Worztron


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120429438#Comment_120429438

    Good one! :-D

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5318
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore, looking like an idiot.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5319
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I've recently started using food in my magic act. I start by crushing garlic, basil and pine nuts and then I blend them together with grated parmesan and olive oil…


    And Hey Pesto!



  • #5320
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The most dangerous type of canoe are volcanoes.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5321
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5322
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Anyone know how to get rid of condensation in the kitchen?


     


    If so, pop around any time, the kettle's always on.



  • #5323
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm going to a fancy dress party this weekend and decided to go as Chewbacca. Sadly I ordered a Bigfoot costume instead. Wookie mistake.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5324
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Did you hear they found a cure for kleptomania?


    Yeah, now they make a pilfer it.



  • #5325
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Quite a few French words have found their way into English.

    We’ve got the phrase ‘hors d’oeuvres’ for starters.



  • #5326
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Did you know: Peruvian owls are always hunting in pairs...


     


    It's because they're Inca hoots



  • #5327
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120475174#Comment_120475174

    I used to have kleptomania. Now when I feel the urge I take something.



  • #5328
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5329
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,560 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120409477#Comment_120409477

    The person who invented autocorrect has died. His funnel is tomato. May he restaurant in peace.



  • #5330
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Engineers have just made a car that can run on parsley...


    Now they're hoping to make busses that run on thyme



  • #5331
    chooseusername
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,907 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120490123#Comment_120490123

    If it works they'll be minted.



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  • #5332
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I watched my first porn film the other day. I was much younger then.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5333
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I've almost finished my A to Z of Lionel Richie songs, but I'm stuck on you.



  • #5334
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If you shoot a mime should you use a silencer?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5335
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock...


     


    Who's there?


     


    An octopus.



  • #5336
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120504775#Comment_120504775

    Beware, if they catch you they will do unspeakable things to you.



  • #5337
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,049 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    That's such a stereotype. Stop putting them in a box!



  • #5338
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


    I once lived a stones throw away from a family who all died from mysterious head injuries.


     



  • #5339
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What Is The First Rule of Mime Club?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5340
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,569 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/1030885#Comment_1030885

    What do you call a dog with no legs?

    Cigarette, cos you take him out for a drag every night.



    Where do you find a dog with no legs?

    Same place you left him.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



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  • #5341
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower'. I think I might have florets.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5342
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    We had a match against a team from the local quarry. We beat them 2-1 on aggregate.



  • #5343
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Got arrested for stealing Engelbert Humperdinck Records but Police released me, let me go.



  • #5344
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    As soon as I saw my wife in gloves and a green jersey I knew she was a keeper.






    She kept the house, the car, and the bank account.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5345
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,502 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    I saw a river with a small dam-like structure, with the water running over it.

    I thought to myself "That river is weired".



  • #5346
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have just deleted the 20th junk email from a famous psychic without bothering to open and read it.

    You would think they would have got the message by now.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5347
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants!

    I said, "For God's sake petal, where did all this stem from?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5348
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,502 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/MooseAllain/status/1654804191938789379


    ...



  • #5349
    BENDYBINN
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,865 ✭✭✭BENDYBINN


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120561292#Comment_120561292

    You sowed the seed of resentment a long time ago.



  • #5350
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Is everyone okay? I just heard there was a nuking in London.



  • #5351
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,202 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher.


    I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order.


    The boss reckons I am dishlexic.



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